[Scene: a dark, yet cozy library, kinda like what you'd expect from
Sherlock Holmes' apartment, yet a hell of a lot more cluttered. A fire is
blazing; the silhouettes of two girls and a cat can be seen. Suddenly, the
lights blaze on.]
Girl #1: Hi! My name's Cerina Hayashibara! (flips back her incredibly long
green hair0
Girl #2: And I'm Michinoku, aka Sailor Izu! (sticks her tongue out at the
camera)
LilTigre: And I'm the cute one! (grins impishly as she licks her
green-and-gold fur)
Cerina: (glaring at LilTigre) We're fictitious characters created by the
complely demented mind
of jessica faith hardy. And since my fanfic series ended a few months ago-
LilTigre: -and since she hasn't been using me as her nickname on IRC for a
while-
Michi: -and since I was just created a couple of weeks ago-
Cerina: -we've gotten tired of just sitting around in her head waiting for
her to use us in a story. So we're going to do C&C while we wait!
Michi: You sure she won't mind? After all, this is mid-terms week...
LilTigre: Nah, she won't mind. After all, she won't mess with me anymore
cuz I dumped her into the Jyusenkyo Pool of Drowned Aragami- and I always
carry cold water with me!
Cerina, Michi: (facefault)
LilTigre: (yanks a huge projector out of a subdimensional pocket) Anyway,
our debut critique will be Nibun no Senshi Sailor Moon ep. 5 by the
Eternal Lost Lurker!
Cerina: Hey, pass the popcorn, will ya?
On Sun, 19 Oct 1997, The Eternal Lost Lurker
wrote:
Michi: Dear Diary, I still haven't found a new friend yet, so it will
always be just you and me, together forever!!!
Cerina: (piku) Uhhh.... okay....
Here's the new version, with the OOC parts rewritten, so that the episode
culminates in pretty much the same ending...but no longer has the
questionable behavior which was the single downfall of this episode.
All: YAY!
Cerina: "The Rise and Fall of the Fifth Chapter," by Lurker Shirer.
LilTigre: Knock it off with the obscure references, will you?
C&C please!
Michi: You're welcome.
Ranma 1/2 property of Takahashi Rumiko, Shogakukan, VIZ
Sailormoon property of Takeuchi Naoko, Kodansha, Toei, PNIS...I mean DIC.
<snicker>
Cerina: Please tell me I didn't see that last part.
Michi: (laughing) Bwahahahahaha! You go Lurker!! Woohoo!
LilTigre: Oh, brother.... (sweatdrops)
Nibun no Senshi Sailormoon
A magical girl fanfic crossover series created by The Eternal Lost Lurker.
Michi: Hey, am I in this part?
Cerina: No, you're only a senshi in this room, dear.
Michi: (pouts)
Episode 5: Ill Met by Moonlight
All: (singing) Fighting evil by moonlight, winning love by daylight...
Screenplay by: Flashman
Edited and expanded by: The Eternal Lost Lurker
The sunlight of a new day poured into the hospital room, highlighting the
young woman in traction and the man who slept in the chair beside her bed.
The five o' clock shadow on the man's face bore silent testament to how
long he had remained by his true love's side.
Michi: (gag) Romance, yuck!
Cerina: Hey! It's sweet! Haven't you ever stood by the bedside of someone
you loved as they lay suffering?
Michi: I don't even have a history yet, and you're asking me that?
As the light poured over the girl's face, her eyes squeezed tightly
and
she groaned.
LilTigre: Get that damn spotlight out of my eyes!
While the sound had been too soft for the man to hear, a sixth sense told
him to wake up and look beside him.
Michi: Yes, it's the Mamoru Chiba Psychic Network!
What he saw looking back was a certain
pair of blue eyes that he thought would never look at him again. "USAKO,"
he cried for joy as he knelt down towards her face.
Michi: I don't think she's in the mood for love, if ya know what I mean..
huh huh huh huh...
Cerina: That's sick, Michi. Still, the "kneeling down to her face" IS a
bit sexually slanted....
"Mamo-chan..." Usagi managed to croak out before a fit of coughing shook
her frame.
"Usako," Mamoru repeated as tears trickled down his face, "I'm sorry... if
I had gotten to you a little sooner... I just got you back, I didn't want
to lose you again."
Cerina: Wait a second... if that's Mamoru, shouldn't the girl be Momiji?
LilTigre: Wrong series, dear.
"Mamo-chan," Usagi replied softly as she smiled gently at him, "just do me
one favor."
"Anything."
All: (snicker)
"Stop worrying so much and SHAVE."
Michi: Uhhh.... oh, darn, I figured she'd want something else-
(A dot-matrix printer appears out of nowhere and clunks Michi on the head)
LilTigre: Cut it out, Sailor girl!
Mamoru stared at her in disbelief as Usagi started to laugh but she
stopped as the laughter proved to be too painful for her abused ribs. At
her grimace, Mamoru picked up a nearby glass of water and said, "Here.
Drink this."
Cerina: Take, drink, for this is my blood...
Usagi lifter her head slightly so Mamoru could bring the glass to her lips
and she gulped down the clear, cool liquid as quickly as she could. Once
she was done, she looked up at her boyfriend and said, "Mamo-chan..."
"Yes?"
"When I was first injured... I was pretty out of it, but I kind of
remember being Princess Serenity for a bit... and something about giving
away my Sailor Moon powers..."
Cerina: I did remember to put a lease on my powers, didn't I?
"Yes," Mamoru replied, "until you get better there's a new Sailor Moon."
"What's she like?"
"Well, from what the others say, he's pretty unique."
LilTigre: You can say that again...
"'He'?"
Mamoru shook his head and replied, "Sorry, I'm more tired then I thought.
I meant she."
Michi: He means both.
To himself he added, It's better if she doesn't know about THAT little
detail until she's in better shape. *I* still don't completely understand
it.
Cerina: It's not that hard to understand; there's this cursed spring in
Chi- *umph*
(A big piece of duct tape pops up and straps her mouth shut)
Usagi looked up at him and asked, "Do you think it would be okay if I met
her?"
Mamoru stood and as he headed for the door, he said, "Sure. I'll go
contact the others and see if they can get her."
*****
LilTigre: Hey, look, snowflakes!
Kasumi walked towards the back door and called out to where Ranma and
Genma were having their morning sparring session, "Ranma-kun, phone for
you."
Michi: Lightly broiled, just the way you like it!
Cerina: *grumpht*
"Who is it?" Ranma called back without taking his attention off his
father.
"I don't know, but they told me to say 'Luna sent me.'"
Michi: Yeah, a cat's calling on the phone for you....
Ranma froze. "Sorry Pop, gotta cut training short today." He jumped on top
of his father's head and sprung from there to the veranda.
All: Boing!
As Genma fell into the koi pond, Ranma ran off to where Kasumi had left
the phone off the hook for him. With all the female traffic that came to
the Tendo Dojo, compounded by the fact that Ranma didn't have a
communicator yet, it had been decided that if they needed Ranma for Sailor
business, they would call the Tendo Dojo and say "Luna sent me." This idea
had been suggested by Minako and after everyone had looked at her funny,
they realized that, until such time as they could get him a communicator,
it would work as well as anything.
Michi: That's Minako for ya...
Cerina: Hey, I thought Ami was the smart one!
Ranma scooped up the receiver. "Hello? What? She does? Okay, I'll be
there as soon as possible."
Ranma hung up the phone and ran for the stairs, colliding with Akane on
the way up. They both fell down the stairs and as they sat up Akane
snapped, "WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING YOU IDIOT!"
LilTigre: Ukyo's SO much better for him healthwise...
"Sorry Akane," Ranma said quickly, "I'm in a bit of a rush."
As Ranma got up and bolted up the stairs, Akane blinked. Ranma
APOLOGIZED?!!
All: (facefault)
In the bowels of Hell, Satan roared at the little white ball that was the
source of his frustration. No matter how much heat he used on it, the
snowball refused to melt.
Cerina: Saban? In Hell? Somehow, that's appropriate...
Michi: No, that's SaTan....
Cerina: OK, so there's one letter's difference...
Akane was even more confused as she saw onna-Ranma bolt back down the
stairs, P-chan in her hands. "HEY," Akane yelled, "where are you GOING?!
And you're not picking on P-chan again, are you?!"
Michi: P-chan is MY sex toy, you hear-
(An Apple computer pops into the air and lands on her head)
LilTigre: Isn't that a waste of a computer?
Cerina: An Apple? Nah. If it was an IBM-compatible, now...
"No," Ranma replied, "it's just that we have somewhere to be right now.
Bye."
As the aquatranssexual martial artist left the dojo, Akane decided to find
out what was going on, and followed him into the streets of Nerima.
*****
All: Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow....
Ranma paused as they reached a flower shop. "Hold up for a second
Charon," she said.
Michi: Ranma can stop at any time can't he? After all, he's carrying the
pig, not the other way around...
"What is it?" the possessed pig asked.
"Nothing really. I just hear that it's polite to bring flowers when
visiting someone in the hospital."
In the combined mind that Charon and Ryoga shared, Ryoga muttered, <Since
when have YOU been polite, Ranma?>
LilTigre: Yeah!
*****
Cerina: No more snowflake jokes, OK?
LilTigre: Damn.
Akane caught her breath as she leaned against the building, which just
happened to be Ucchan's Okonomiyaki-ya. Ukyou looked out the door to
regard her rival fiancee. She had been preparing to open the restaurant
but the presence of Akane usually meant that Ranchan was close by. "Hey
Akane," she said in greeting, "what's up?"
Michi: Not much, considering that she's female-
Cerina: No more sex jokes, either.
"Don't know," Akane replied, "Ranma got a phone call this morning and now
he's just run off with P-chan. I was following him and I was just catching
my breath."
LilTigre: Have you seen my breath anywhere? It always runs away from me...
Ukyou raised an eyebrow and said, "Phone call? Do you think..." the
okonomiyaki chef frowned.
Michi: Stupid telemarketers...
"What's Shampoo up to THIS time?" Akane groaned.
"Someone say Shampoo name?"
Cerina: No.... They said conditioner...
The two girls looked up and moved out of the way as the bike that the
Chinese Amazon rode dropped down between them. As the two fiances looked
at the third rival for Ranma, they asked
simultaneously, "What have you done to Ranma this time?!"
Shampoo glared at them and snarled, "Shampoo do nothing. Shampoo just
trying to follow husband. Shampoo say hello before but husband ignore
Shampoo AND husband ignore gymnast girl when she appear."
"That's weird," Akane muttered, "he at LEAST shudders when he hears her
laugh."
LilTigre: EVERYONE shudders when Kodachi laughs
Ukyou noticed something out of the corner of her eye and when she turned,
she saw Ranma walking out of a flower shop with a bunch of lilies and
lilacs in her hands. "Hey Ranchan," Ukyou called out, "where are you going
and what are the flowers for?"
Michi: Are they for me??
To her surprise, Ranma completely ignored her and ran down the street,
P-chan following her. "Where is he GOING?!" Akane growled in frustration.
Cerina: I thought you hated him, Akane...
"Let's find out," Ukyou suggested as she hung the "closed" sign on her
door.
"Aiyah," Shampoo shouted as they began to move off in pursuit, "Shampoo
come too!"
*****
Tatewaki Kunou looked up as he walked down the streets of Nerima. What he
saw made his heart beat faster. His red-haired love raced down the street
toward him, a bundle of beautiful
flowers in her arms. "Ah Pigtailed Girl," he cried as he threw open his
arms, "it gives my heart such joy that you have finally decided to bestow
your affections on me. YES, I SHALL DA...."
Michi: Come to Butt-head....
Kunou's rant was cut off as Ranma jumped up, stepped on Kunou's face and
leaped off. As the Pigtailed Girl jumped away, Kunou thought he heard her
muttering, "What should I say to her?
Hi! I'm Ranko, your replacement. Nah, too mean."
Of course, he also thought he heard the small pig following her say,
"RANMA! WAIT FOR ME!!!"
LilTigre: What's up with that? I thought all animals talked!
Michi, Cerina: (bigsweat)
The great Blue Thunder dismissed the "hallucination" as the price of
spending so much
time perfecting his Kendo skills and decided that NOW would be a good time
for a much deserved rest.
Michi: Rest up at Sunnydale Psychiatric Center..
*****
The bus ride to Juuban had been uneventful, except that at a stop in
Nerima, the bus driver could have sworn that he had heard three loud bangs
on the roof. Ranma and Charon got off at the appropriate stop and, with
their three tails at an appropriate distance
Cerina: Tails? I thought pigs only had one tail...
, they moved
for the hospital. However, the three girls following Ranma didn't realize
that they were being followed as well.
"What has that fiend Ranma done to my darling Shampoo to make her journey
with him to this district," Mousse wondered.
Michi: Poor Mousse... he's so cute, and Shampoo ignores him... *sigh*
LilTigre: Kusanagi Mamoru..... (drools)
Cerina: Jason David Frank..... *sigh*
LilTigre: You're lusting after a Power Ranger?
Cerina: You should see how he fills out the spandex!
Michi: (piku)
Kodachi's thoughts were along the lines of, "That little witch has
something planned to keep my darling Ranma-sama away from me. I will not
allow it."
Michi: Who's she calling a witch? She's one too....
Kunou thought, "After awakening from my short slumber, I realized that the
Pigtailed Girl must have accidently missed me and is now searching all of
Japan for me. I will not disappoint her."
LilTigre: In your dreams...
*****
Ranma took a deep breath as she prepared to open the door. "Well," she
thought, "here goes. I'm about to meet what many consider a living legend.
The original Sailor Moon."
All: (starry-eyed) WOW!
She walked in the room to see the four other Senshi gathered around the
bed, along with a man with black hair, who leaned in periodically and
kissed the girl on the bed on the forehead. "That must be the Mamoru guy
they told me about," Ranko noted. "Poor guy. He must feel
really bad about what happened."
Michi: Ranma has feelings? NO!
She cleared her throat and the other Senshi turned to regard her. "Hello
Ranm... I mean Ranko," Minako said in greeting.
"Hi. Ami called me and said 'she' wanted to see me," Ranko replied.
"Go ahead," Makoto whispered, "but be quick, she still needs a lot of
rest."
"Right."
All: DUH!
Ranko approached the bed and sat down in a chair. Usagi looked up at her
and as their eyes met, for a brief moment, the crescent moon sigil flared
brightly on both of their foreheads. "So you're the one," Usagi said,
stating the obvious.
All: (again) DUH!
"Yep," Ranko replied, "my name's Ranko."
"I'm Usagi. Nice to meet you Ranko-chan."
"I'd shake your hand, but under the circumstances..."
Everyone in the room chuckled softly and Ranko, remembering her manners,
held out the bouquet of flowers. "Um, here. These are for you."
Usagi smiled as brightly as she could without making her head hurt, which
wasn't as much as she usually could and replied, "Thank you Ranko-chan.
Mamo-chan, could you put them in the vase over there?"
Michi: She's awful lovey-dovey with him... I mean her...
"Of course Usako," Mamoru replied as he took the flowers from Ranko.
Usagi looked at the others and said, "Could you all leave me with
Ranko-chan for a little bit?"
Cerina: I want to get to know her a little better....
LilTigre: Are you feeling ok?
Cerina: Michi's not the only one who can use sexually slanted lines, ya
know...
Ami, Minako, Makoto and Rei all took their leave but Mamoru paused for a
bit to give a lingering kiss to Usagi on the lips before he left as well.
"Some people have all the luck," Ranko muttered under her breath.
All: (facefault)
"Did you say something?" Usagi asked.
"Nothin' important," Ranko replied, "I was just commenting on how lucky
you are to have such a simple love life."
Ranko was caught off guard as Usagi started to laugh but the blonde
stopped as her ribs once again warned her against such actions. "Trust
me," Usagi said once the pain died down to its constant drone instead of a
piercing scream, "it's not as simple as you think."
Michi: you can hear pain?
"Compared to mine, anything you can come up with I can probably top. I'd
tell you a few of them, but I don't think someone in your condition could
handle them."
"Really?"
"Yeah...." Ranko squirmed, "could we drop this subject?"
Usagi smiled, "Sure."
Silence filled the room as Usagi tried to think up her next question.
Finally, as she strove to come up with something better, she said, "You got
here pretty quick."
Ranko replied, "Yeah. Who says you can never catch a bus in Tokyo."
LilTigre: WHOA! Good one, Ranma!
Usagi cleared her throat and gave Ranko a LOOK. Ranko, realizing that she
had, once again, performed the "Saotome Foot In Mouth Technique," quickly
added, "Errr... no offense."
All: heheh....
Usagi's face suddenly brightened again and she replied, "None taken."
The hospitalized girl sighed and she said, "To think of all the times I
wanted to have someone else be Sailor Moon.... if I had known that THIS is
what it would take, I never would have wanted to."
Ranko laughed and thought, "Nice kid."
Usagi said, "You're a nice girl Ranko. Do you want to be friends?"
Usagi was surprised when Ranko grimaced. It took a minute, but finally
Ranko replied, "Okay."
Inwardly, Ranma sighed, "Oh well. I guess it could be worse."
Then, things got worse.
Michi: NEVER say it could be worse, cuz it always does...
Akane and Ukyou walked in the door. The two looked at her, then at the
figure on the bed and they asked simultaneously, "What's going on here?"
As if those words had set off a chain reaction, everything fell apart at
once. The wall crashed in and a cheerful, "NIHAO!" echoed through the room
as Shampoo bounced in.
Kunou followed through the hole and shouted, "Pigtailed Girl! I know not
what malady has forced thee to this place of healing, but I Tatewaki Kunou,
shall be by your side!"
A chilling laugh came in Kunou's wake and Kodachi came through the hole
next as she said, "So, you wicked harridans! You think you can counter my
poisons in this place? I think not!
HOHOHHOHOHOHOHHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO
HOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!"
Next came Mousse. "SAOTOME! PREPARE TO DIE!!!"
Usagi, feeling overwhelmed by all that was happening at once, said the
only thing she could come up with.
"Hi. Are you friends of Ranko-chan?"
Cerina: She's taking it awfully well....
Ranma groaned. "What the heck are you guys doin' here?"
"We could ask you the same thing, sugar," Ukyou said.
"What's going on here, Ranma? Who's this girl? You didn't go get engaged
again, did you?" Akane asked.
"Ranma have Shampoo! Why need weak odango girl?"
"HEY!" Usagi shouted, although her injuries didn't allow for much force in
the shout, and she broke into a coughing fit afterwards. When the coughing
subsided, she said, "Who're you calling odango girl? You have a bigger set
than mine!"
LilTigre: Oooh, a threat!
Shampoo smirked. "Shampoo everything bigger than weak odango girl."
"Ooooh, why you..."
All: (laugh)
Ranma smacked her forehead. "Will you guys cut it out? Dontcha ever give
me a chance to explain nothin'?"
Akane scowled. "Why should we? It's obvious you're a pervert and you went
and got engaged again."
What Akane was saying finally registered on Akane. "Anou...Ranko-chan?
What's she talking about? And why did they call you Ranma?"
Michi: Huh? akane saying to Akane...?
Ranma sighed. "It's a long story." To Akane, she said, "Look...you got it
all wrong. Usagi here's a friend of mine. I got called this morning, saying
she was hurt real bad. I just wanted to check up on her, 'sall. Nothin' to
get upset over or jealous about."
"I am *not* jealous! You can take her right now for all I care!" Akane
fumed.
Michi: That was sick.
Cerina: Yup.
Usagi blinked, and blushed, both out of embarrassment and anger. "Hey! Cut
that out!" Under her breath, she mumbled, "sheesh, what a pervert..." Ranma
snickered.
All: O_O
Kodachi realized that whatever was going on had little to do with her
Ranma-sama, and left. As Kodachi left, five other figures burst into the
room. The intruding horde gaped as the new arrivals leapt over their heads,
to stand beside the bed. Four were very attractive young women, wearing
abbreviated sailor-fukus. The fifth was a gentleman in a tuxedo, cape, and
eyemask.
"S...Sailor Senshi," Akane gasped.
Ukyou blinked. "What the heck're the Sailor Senshi doin' here?"
LilTigre: Yeah! it's just a bunch of people, after all...
"Who are all you people?" Jupiter demanded.
"Get outta here now, or you're gonna be in serious trouble," Mars said,
scowling.
Kunou's jaw hung open. "The Sailor Senshi...indeed, they stand before us,
in all their beauty and power. Those who defend the innocent against foul
creatures the likes of which even the cretinous sorcerer Saotome would
shudder at the very thought of...truly they must be sent from the gods
themselves, to greet the noble Kunou Tatewaki! It is I, the Blue Thunder,
whom you seek!"
Michi: Dream on.
None of the Senshi seemed impressed by his speech. "You want Thunder? If
you don't shut up, you'll get some Thunder where the sun don't shine,"
Jupiter said. Kunou, knowing full well that the tall, chestnut-haired
Senshi could easily back that threat up, decided that perhaps it was best
to abide by her demands.
"Aiyah, what sailor girls doing here?" Shampoo asked.
"Probably more of Ranma's fiancees," Akane muttered.
LilTigre: Akane seems obsessed with the fiancee issue...
"Are you all deaf?" Mars snapped. "We know who you people are. We also
know you like to get into big fights that do a lot of damage. Well look
around. This is a hospital. Nobody invited you here, and our friend is hurt
really badly. Can't you see the casts all over her body?"
"We don't need a brawl in a hospital room," Mercury said. "You could cause
further damage to our friend."
"So get out while you can. Or else we'll throw you out," Venus added.
All: YOU GO GIRLS!
Mousse, who watched the news on a regular basis, silently slipped out of
the room, vowing to take care of Saotome later. Kunou left as well,
deciding to go purchase items of Sailor Senshi merchandise, planning to
construct a small shrine to his bounty from the gods.
Akane and Ukyou shuffled nervously. They both figured that if something
bad was going to happen to them, Ranma would protect them...but the redhead
looked pretty well ticked off at the moment. "We'll discuss this later, at
home, Ranma," Akane seethed. Turning on her heel, she stormed out.
Ukyou sighed. "Whatever's goin' on here, you better tell me next time you
stop at the Ucchan," she told Ranma. She left, idly twirling a spatula.
Cerina: Those two are about as bad as Kodachi...
The Senshi stared at Shampoo, eyebrows raised. For her part, Shampoo
didn't care much about current events in Japan, and so wasn't impressed by
the Senshi. "Hmph. Silly sailor girls in too-short skirts no keep Shampoo
from airen. Shampoo throw all four out, and stupid tux-boy too." She hefted
her bonbori.
Michi: Tux-boy!
Ranma sighed. "Just great."
Venus scowled. "You asked for it...VENUS LOVE-ME CHAIN!" The glowing
golden chain of hearts snaked out, and wrapped around Shampoo's bonbori.
The Amazon tugged on her weapons, while Venus tugged on the chain from the
opposite end.
"SPARKLING WIDE PRESSURE!" Jupiter threw her thunder disc at Shampoo. The
Amazon cried out in pain as the high-voltage attack struck her, and she was
flung into the hallway through the hole she had made in the wall. Venus
yelped and dropped the chain, which disappeared after a moment. "Yeowch!
Watch it, Jupiter! Those round things are metal, y'know."
"Sorry," the tall Senshi replied sheepishly.
Cerina: That was pointless... I give Shampoo more credit than that...
she's not an idiot like Kuno...
Ranma sighed. "This is all my fault. I'm sorry everyone."
Venus shook her head. "How could it be your fault?"
"They followed *me* here."
Rei favored Ranma with an annoyed look, and snapped, "So what? You didn't
have anything to do with it. It's not your fault those jerks don't have
better sense than to barge into a hospital like that."
Michi: Exactly.
"Anou..." Usagi said weakly. "Can someone explain what's going on here?"
LilTigre: Girl, you don't want to know.
*****
"You're kidding! Ranko-chan...I mean, Ranma-kun's really a boy then?"
Ranma, now male, nodded. "Hai, Usagi-san," he said.
"So that bunch that showed up here?"
"The girls are my fiancees...well, the gymnast one, Kodachi, just thinks
she is."
Usagi's eyes widened. "Fiancees, plural?"
(all power is suddenly cut; the rooms fades into darkness)
Cerina: Hey!
(In steps in a huge, ominous plant-being waving it's tentacles wildly)
jessica-Aragami: Can ya'll chill?! I'm trying to study here!!
(grabs a kettle of hot water and dumps it on herself, then leaves)
Cerina: Well, I guess that wraps it up for us... We love it Lurker!
Michi: Keep those suggestive lines coming!
LilTigre: Sayonara!
(light fades as the gang pulld out the rules for the R1/2 Drinking game)
Jess...