Yes, after procrastinating for quite some time, part 3 is here!
It'll make you laugh, make you cry, make you ignore it and go read Ranma
fics. Actually, probably only 1 or 3.
Enjoy.
Tom - qotd:
"When you think Australia, think Air New Zealand."
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Neon Genesis Evangelion - For a Change. 1.1
Part 3: In which Rei rants for the entire episode, and Shinji
trips on a power cord.
Spoiler Info: This occurs in the alternate universe that is defined in
episode 26 of the series. Or at least, it's inspired by
it, sorta. Not really. 26 makes more sense than _this_.
Which isn't saying much.
DANGER! This story contains an exceedingly brutal act of self-insertion.
Don't archive this version, except in the FFML archives. I'll post
this to the Eva ML and RAAC in an archivable form.
Evangelion is copyright GAINAX/Project EVA. And I'd like to say that
their lawyers are of exceptional breeding.
You can guess who Tom is based on. (HINT: He still hasn't mastered
writing Rei.)
The huge purple and green monster ran down the street, its face a
mask of the most hideous evil. It was obviously not under the control
of its human occupant, as it smashed into nearby buildings, sending
chunks of the buildings raining down on fleeing pedestrians.
Suddenly, it opened its mouth, and let out a sound that no human
should be forced to hear. "I Loooove You! You..."
"We'll return to Godzilla vs Barney after these messages."
Asuka flipped the television off. "There's nothing on! You'd think
that NERV could spring for cable!"
Shinji ignored her, focusing on the magazine he was reading. There
was an interview with a leading astronomer, who was explaining how
unlikely it was an asteroid would hit the earth. According to him, the
probability was "astronomical, pardon the pun." It was pretty obvious
the magazines were as out of date as the television.
Shinji evaluated his options, and decided a conversation with
Asuka was the best way to proceed. "I don't see how this changes
anything."
"How so?"
"Well, we were looking for something to relieve the boredom, and
to do that we needed money. So, we took these jobs. But we're still
bored."
Asuka thought for a moment. "Yes, but now we make minimum wage for
our boredom."
"True."
--------------------------------------------------
"Rei, how are you doing?"
"Fine, aside from being cooped up in this entry plug for who knows
how many hours, unable to move, breathing liquid, or able to go..."
Misato muted the link to the Entry Plug. "I think we can finish up
this test now." She switched the link back on.
"...and wearing this plugsuit that's so tight that it..."
--------------------------------------------------
"You can put the four on the five, sir."
"There's a reason they call it solitaire. I assume you have a
reason for being here, other than giving me gaming advice."
"Yes, General. An Angel was just sighted."
"Heading toward Tokyo-3?"
"Umm... Yes, sir."
"Good. Call NERV, and let me get on with my game."
"Yes, sir."
--------------------------------------------------
"We'll get right on it." Misato put down the phone, and stood
up. "People, we have an angel incoming. Go to alert." She slammed her
hand down on a big red button, just to prove the point.
There was a flurry of action.
"Seal Terminal Dogma!"
"Tokyo-3 to secure configuration!"
"We want that pizza delivered."
Finally, all stations were put on alert. The last thing to be
reported was the status of the Evangelion.
"The Evangelion are just over three hundred seconds from launch."
Misato flipped on the communications link to the only one of the
pilots that had actually managed to synchronize with an
Evangelion. Unfortunately, the pilot was not yet done
speaking. "... and another thing, this LCL... Do I really have to
spend all this time underwater? My skin will get all wrinkled up,
like..."
Misato had the good sense to flip the speakers back to off. "Tell
Ritsuko and the other two pilots to meet me in briefing room
seventeen. We have an Angel to defeat."
--------------------------------------------------
Fuyutsuki watched as the largest buildings in Tokyo-3 sunk into the
ground. He had warned them of this day, told them to take the
necessary precautions, but had anyone listened to him?
No, they went ahead and built Tokyo-3 on a swamp anyway.
--------------------------------------------------
"...and using those weapons, we want you to take out the angel."
Misato lowered the notes, and addressed the pilots. "Any questions?"
Shinji had one. "We've haven't even been all that near the
Evangelion! What do we have to do to synchronize with them?"
"Ritsuko, I think you can answer this better than I can."
"First, we stuff you in the entry plug." Ritsuko demonstrated
with her hands. "Then, we drown you in LCL." She waved her hands even
more. "Finally, we hook your brain right up to the Eva." Her hands
pounded on her head, to prove the point. "After that, the rest is
easy."
"All we need for you to do is sit in the pilots seat." Ritsuko
said, her hands returning to a standby position.
Misato felt compelled to add to this. "Well, that, and kill
that angel! Now, to your Evangelion!" She tossed the pilots the
keys.
--------------------------------------------------
"Removing the termination plug."
"Inserting the entry plug."
"Commencing the synchronization process."
"Anyone order some pizza?"
"Flooding the entry plug with LCL."
"Glub, Glub."
"Connecting all circuits. Activating main power."
"Initiating second-level contact."
"The language has been set to pig latin."
"The mutual contacts have been established, and synchronization
has started. Evangelion units one and two are ready for launch."
"Cool."
--------------------------------------------------
The technobabble died down. All eyes and ears were on Misato,
who would give the order to launch. She turned to Tom, a technician
who looks quite like the author. Unlike the other technicians, his
console had but a single button, large and red.
Misato spoke a single word to him. "Launch."
Tom pushed the button, thus ending this incredibly pointless bit
of self insertion.
The Evangelion launched into action.
--------------------------------------------------
The angel's name was Sachiel. How do we know this? Simple, it was
wearing a name tag that read, "Hello, my name is _Sachiel_."
Unfortunately, getting close enough to read it without some sort of
incredible protection would be suicidal. Fortunately, an Evangelion
counts as incredible protection.
Coincidentally, two of them popped out of the ground right across
from where Sachiel was standing.
Shinji commanded the Evangelion to walk (actually, to alkway, but
who's counting?) and it took a step, then another.
"It's walking!" Ritsuko shouted, stating the obvious.
Unfortunately, Shinji's tactical achievement (walking) paled
besides Asuka's. Unit Two was charging the Angel, progressive shotgun
drawn. Its pilot was incoherently shouting something about mister
angel meeting mister boomstick. She unloaded both barrels into the
Angel, which staggered back, but seemed otherwise unhurt.
She loaded two more rounds while charging the
angel. Unfortunately, she forgot to compensate for the AT Field the
angel had put up, and bounced off.
"Asuka!" Shinji shouted. Unit One ran toward the angel, even as
the angel circled around the other Eva. Responding to his thought, his
Evangelion started running toward the angel.
"Look Out!" Asuka shouted. Shinji looked, and completely missed
noticing Unit Two's power cable.
The probability of what happened next was on the order of seven
million forty three to one against. So, of course it happened.
Unit One, Shinji inside, tripped and was sent flying. It collided
head first with the angel. Unit One's horn smashed through the name tag,
straight into the core of the angel.
Sachiel, not having anything better to do, exploded.
--------------------------------------------------
"Checkmate." The younger man pushed the glasses up his face, the
light reflecting off them.
The older man looked at the younger for a second, before removing
overturning his king. "This time you have won, Ikari. But next time,
the game will be different." He stood up. "Checkers perhaps." With
that, he was replaced with blackness.
--------------------------------------------------
"... and only paying me eight times minimum wage! Do you get that,
or do I have to start repeating myself!"
Perhaps To be Continued.
That wraps it up for the first arc of Evangelion - For a
Change. Here's a teaser for things that may or may not be in future
episodes that may or may not be written.
- Rei finally gets written reasonably.
- The Children save humanity, "and all I got was this lousy t-shirt."
- The true reason for mankind's existence is revealed. (No, not 42!)
Look for future episodes... coming, but not soon! Miss it, or don't!
1.1 18 Oct 1997
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