On Tue, 14 Oct 1997, John McGinnis wrote:

	<snip>

	Ranma-chan sat alone in the quiet and darkened bathroom, the only 
illumination coming from a few candles placed around the room.
	The lights in the house had been out for two days now, the others having 
gone on vacation. Meanwhile he was still here, taking classes to make up for 
lost time in school. Around the room the shadows were deepening as the 
candles began to flicker, the dim light from the flame cast an eerie glow
around 
the room.

	Fusebox problem?  No money for an electrician?  Do you know hou 
difficult it is to study by candle when you're used to electricity?

	Turning she stared in the mirror at her face, at the face that had been a 
curse since that fateful trip to Jusenkyo.  It's ageless beauty, unchanging and 
flawless, taunted her.

		Its ageless beauty...  [It's = it is]
	

	For the first time Ranma was actually glad for the body she had once 
hated. Alone in the dark for two days, she had pondered all the events which 
had occurred in the last year.

	Why now?  What does being Ranma-chan instead of Ranma-kun 
contribute to gladness now?  

	All the kidnappings, the fiancees, the rivals, monsters, debts and enemies.
	Few of these were Ranma's fault, and yet all that happened always ended 
up as another burden on his soul.
	The pain that was caused by his father's inexcusable actions.
	The promise to his mother had to long kept them apart. Yet now Nodoka 
had leaving him behind, going with the others on their holiday together.

		... had too long ...  ... had left him ...   holiday. 
(Consider the alternatives:  going with the others on their holiday 
separately ^_^ ]

	Now Ranma was completely alone, able to take her time and think. To think 
about Jusenkyo, thinking of the pain and her life.
	Things had become too painful to bear by herself and yet she was alone.

	Heh.  Alone with her school assignments.  ^_^

	Her friends had left, her father had disappeared and her mother had gone 
with them.
	Now Ranma felt utterly alone.
	The betrayal at the wedding had been painful, and now because of the 
people that were both family and friends she was alone once more.

	I can't see the insertion of the wedding betrayal here.  It feels 
like more of a distraction at this point than a positive contribution to 
the present angst.

	Still looking in the mirror, Ranma removed the tie which bound her hair into 
a pigtail. Watching as the long tresses that had been bond for so long, fell 
freely about her shoulders like a waterfall.

	Ranma grabbed for the bottle of sake that she had brought from the 
kitchen, downing its contents without even pausing for breath.

	She brought a bottle of sake from the kitchen?  Ah, perhaps this 
explains the angst, if not the candles. Presumably it is not the *first* 
bottle she has opened this evening.  I've had evenings like that...  

	In the last year a slew of monsters and martial artists had endangered 
everything which she held dear.
	From Herb to Tarou and from the amazons to Saffron. No matter who she 
fought or how often she triumphed, nothing seemed to matter. No matter what 
sacrifices were made, they were never enough.
	Akane, Genma and the others, they just could not be satisfied.  If one was 
chosen it would hurt and dishonor all the others.

	Then there was Nodoka, mother, and symbol of the family honor.
	Nodoka had little understanding for Ranma's problems, and what made 
matters worse was that she had told him that the problems were his 
responsibility to sort out, including any other fiancees that might show up. 
	Ranma pulled her thoughts away from these matters with a jerk. The pain 
that they caused her when just thought about them was just too much.
	Staggering to the family room on unsteady legs, Ranma grabbed for the 
phone but somehow ended up sprawled across the floor instead.
	Crawling to the couch she dialed blindly, trying to recall the right number 
for the pizza shop up the street.

		Japanese pizza? Delivered by a cute young pizza cook?

	After the first ring someone picked up the pjone at the other end.
	The voice on the other end sounded bored and spoke almost 
mechanically.
	"Hello, you've reached the goddess technical help line, one of our 
representatives will be with you in one minute."  The woman at the other end 
of the line rattled off.

	Uh, oh.  Tech support.  

	Hearing the message Ranma hung-up the phone. She was thinking of her 
mother again and did not wanting to try for the pizza shop again.
	Staggering to the couch Ranma landed on it moments before she blacked out.


	As Urd stepped out of the television set, the sight of numerous opened 
and empty bottles scattered around at random point of the room greeted her.  
Frowning at the sight she shook her head at the sight.

	Ah ha!  I *thought* this wasn't the first bottle.  I just never 
realized Ranma was a problem drinker.  Something else picked up from his 
father, no doubt.   Er, perhaps you should rephrase that "random point".  
Perhaps just scatter them randomly?  And either "Frowning, she shook her 
head at the sight." or "Frowning at the sight, she shook her head."

	"So much pain in one so young.  Poor kid no wonder they sent me." she 
muttered.

			...kid, no ...sent me," she muttered.

	Looking around she spied the lone unopened bottle in the room. Picking it 
up she examined at the label.

		...lone, unopened ...  it up, she (looked at/ examined - 
'read' would be good, too.)

	"Glen Levit single malt scotch" It proclaimed.

	... scotch," it proclaimed.  *In the Tendo's*??  I could believe 
it in the Kunou's, but if it's whiskey in the Tendo household, it can't 
be more than Suntory. ^_-;;

	Urd sighed softly as she glanced from the bottle to the figure on the 
couch.
	"Might as well have a drink while I wait for the kid to wake up" she 
rationalized to the silent room.

	Ah, that's our Urd.

	Smiling she took a swig of the strong spirits. As she drank she watched 
the curled up on the couch in front of her who had a look of pain and 
whimpered softly in her sleep. Even in her drunken sleep she held a great
deal of sadness lines of pain etchd in her face.

	As she drank, she watched the curled up *what* on the couch?  
This is a run-on sentence.  Stop at the word couch.  Make a second 
sentence about the pain and whimpering.  ...drunken sleep, she ...  
...sadness with lines of pain etched ...

	Moving over to couch Urd held the girl to her chest, stroking Ranma's hair 
lightly and rocking her back and forth.  Almost crying at the pain she felt 
coming from the girl, Urd tried to soothe Ranma's troubled dreams as she 
drank more of the scotch.
	As the night wore on the goddess grew tired herself and had almost dozed 
off when the girl awoke from her fitful sleep.  Seeing in the disoriented and 
confusion in the young woman's eyes, Urd smiled reassuringly.

	... wore on, the goddess...  Seeing the disorientation and ...

	"Don't worry. I'm here to help you." she told the girl gently, "Just relax. 
You need to release your sorrow before it shatters your soul."

	Ranma drowsily looked at the half drunken stranger who had just spoken 
to her, then giving in and began to sob releasing years of pent up anger and
pain.

	...half drunken stranger...  Nah, Urd's not even finished her 
first bottle yet.  This is Urd!  Run-on sentence again.  Suggest stopping 
at ... just spoken to her.  Falling under the spell of the goddess' calming
enchantment, she began to sob, ...

	The pain of her life had finally broken through her defenses and now she 
had a way to release it.  Someone who would listen to her, who would help 
ease her pain. The words came slowly and haltingly at first, but then sped up 
until they tumbled from her mouth as she released the pent-up memories that 
had tormented her during her life.
	The few things good things that had occurred had been ruined by others 
and Ranma had been forced to suffer in silence, unable to release the pain.
	No one had been willing to listen to him, not even Nodoka. Now though 
this stranger was sitting here and listening. Crying for the pain Ranma had 
felt. This freely given sympathy only brought more tears to her eyes.

	Crying for the pain Ranma had felt.  Sentence fragment.  Who was 
crying?  

	Ranma's family hadn't been willing to listen and yet here was a stranger cared 
enough for her to allow release.

	stranger who cared

	Sobbing her heart out, crying as though the pain could be washed away 
by her tears, Ranma leaned into the strange woman's shoulder until the pain 
had been released.

	I'm beginning to be overwhelmed by pain.  Let's try rage, 
frustration, tension, even angst.  Variety of vocabulary maintains 
interest in the reader.

	Looking for the first time into this stranger's face Ranma smiled bitterly. 
The words which came from her mouth were filled with pain and bitter from 
years of abuse of trust and pain.
	"I wish you could be my mother, at least then I'd have a real family."

	See previous note.

 	As the bright light flashed through the room Urd began to sputter a 
protest, only to realize she was too late. The wish had been approved.
	As the brightness cleared she looked down at Ranma and saw marks 
which almost perfectly matched her own adorning the face and forehead of 
the girl.  It was only then that she realized what had happened.
	She managed to only say one thing before she blacked out as the enormity 
of the situation hit her.  
	"I'm a mother!?"

	It could be worse.  It might have been Skuld. ^_-;

Nice idea, I'll be interested to see how you develop this.  It definitely 
qualifies as a situation that would appeal to Kami-sama's sense of humor.
A bit more care with the vocabulary and sentence structure needed, but 
this has the potential to become the intro to an interesting series.


S h a z o r n				No, I'm not an otaku!
<rayburn@cc.umanitoba.ca>		But I'm working on it... ^_^;