Ranma vs. MTV - by Chris Jones

	"Ms. Rumiko..." He looked at the sheet. 'Takahashi Rumiko'.
"May I call you Takahashi?"
	The short japanese woman before him scowled. Snobby Japanese,
he thought.
	"Yes," she replied in heavily accented English. "You may call
me Takahashi... sama."
	"Okay, Takahashi-sama." He still managed to make it sound
diminutive. "I need to talk to you about 'Ranma'. Frankly, the show
just isn't performing on MTV as well as either Viacom or MTV
Networks thought it would." He shuffled the papers meaninglessly
around his desk.
	"Do you think it could possibly be the cuts you've made to
the program?" she asked, crossing her legs. The executive swore
that he could see a long canine fang as she grimaced at him.
	"Heavens, no! Did you see it before? All sorts of gratuitous
nudity and jokes that us Americans are just too mature for." He
shook his head. "The concept just doesn't work here in the
'States'."
	"I see." Her expression, however remained impassively
irratated.
	"Well, since our contract with Kodansha doesn't expire until
2002, we really do need to revitalize the show. We've come up with
several ideas that we want you to take a look at as creative
producer."
	"You want to... change my show?" She asked incredulously.
	"Yeah, we'll make it great! Just watch," He pulled a remote
out of his desk, and the video monitors across the room sprang to
life. Characters on the screen appeared that she could only vaguely
recognize as squiggly caractures of her characters.
	"Whaaaa!" The small red head child screamed. "My diaper's wet
in two places!"
	"We call this one 'Ranma-Babies', Takahashi-sama. What do you
think?"
	She stared in horror at the screen as a miniature panda, pig,
siamese cat, duck, and yeti-riding-bull-holding-crane-and-eel-
combined-with-octopus were displayed on the screen, all in diapers.
The woman started muttering under her breath in rapid-fire
japanese. The executive picked up the syllables 'baka' several
times. *I wonder what that means,* he thought.
	"You don't like it? Try this one. We call it 'My So-called
Curse'.
	On the screen, a red hairded girl in American school clothes
spoke with another girl wearing jeans with the knees worn out and a
large egg turner strapped to her back.
	"Gee, Ran-Honey. I don't know what to tell you about Ryouga."
	The redhead sighed and mooned longingly at the camera. "If
only he would notice me, Uk-Honey. We could finally get together
and laugh at the foreign students like all the other couples."
	Takahashi-sama's knuckles begin to whiten against the arm-
rests	of her chair.
	"Or... we have this one. It seems to be the one kind of show
we CAN sell to the sponsors. We call it 'Neon Genesis Ranma 1/2'.
	She wasn't able to look at the screen for long, but what she
did see terrified her utterly. A giant pigtailed mech was pounding
violently away on a giant pig mech.
	"Something else you might consider... Since the success of
their movie, we've thought of bringing these two back."
	"NO! NO BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD AND RANMA!" She shuddered and
tried to keep her stomach under control.
	Jeez! Doesn't like quality programming, he thought. "Oh,
well. There's one more option we have." He clicked the remote,
showing a beautiful green haired girl in a tiger striped bikini.
"She's appeared in a few of our videos here at MTV. Name's 'Rum' I
think. We don't know where we got her, but she sure does seem to be
popular with the fans, if you know what I mean. I think it would
really boost the ratings if we were to add her to the cast. What do
you think?"
	"I think.... I think I have had quite enough... RUMIKO KICK!"
	*Ah, damn! The silly @#$@# *kicked* me!* When the executive
managed to make it to his feet, he saw not only Takahashi-sama
infront of him, but the green haired girl too, as well as several
others. A pigtailed redhead cracking her knuckles menacingly,
another girl holding a giant cartoon mallet, a girl holding a kick-
ass spatula, a purple haired girl with what looked like beachballs
on the end of short handles, a medium length haired girl in a
volley ball outfit, a girl with icy hair and a long white robe, a
short haired girl who seemed to be wearing a metal bikini, and
several others, each looking menacing in some way.
	"What is the meaning of this, Ms. Rumiko?" He pounded a
button on his intercom. "Security!"
	The intercom disintegrated in a hail of lightning, spatulas,
mallet, ice, and gunfire.
	"W-what are you going to do to me?" he asked nervously,
cowering behind his desk.
	"I take it you've never appeared in a fanfic or doujinshi
before, Executive-san."
	He shook his head in terror.
	"This is what you get for changing the artist's vision."
	The executive learned at length what it meant to cross short
Japanese women.
	After they finished, Ranma held up his(her) fist. "Now lets
go kill Beavis and Butthead."
	The group cheered, and as a trained fighting unit, they
destroyed the Viacom building, and much of New York City.
	Then they went to Canda and did the same to VIZ and DIC, just
for good measure.

Chris: (Bows) Thank-you! And now for my next trick-- (is pummeled
by several weapon weilding and martial artist japanese women. Then,
free of DIC, the Sailors came and finished the job.)

Chris: Urghhrrh.... thankyo... doit 'gain pleze....

(Characters of 'Ranma 1/2' and 'Urusei Yatsura' and the likenesses 
thereof are used without permission. The likeness of Rumiko Takahashi
is used without her permssion. I *don't* think she'll sue me, but MTV
sure might...^_^)
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Chris Jones                      hamster@arn.net
The Hamster House of Animation   http://users.arn.net/~hamster
The Ranma 1/2 Gallery            http://www.geocities.com/tokyo/6413
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I'm the fat and ugly Sailor Panda. I fight for beer and pretzels, and 
because I'm afraid of my wife, I'll annoy you!