This can be best described as... the result of insufficient amounts of
sleep. :-) I hope it gives someone a laugh or two.
THE RIGHT CHOICE
a CUSTOMIZABLE Ranma 1/2 Spamfic
by Gary Kleppe
The question "Who is Ranma's Best Babe?" has been widely debated on
newsgroups and mailing lists. Finally, there is a spamfic that YOU to
can use to show how much better YOUR choice is!
This spamfic has been designed to be *fully customizable* according to
the individual reader's preferences. In the following, <Fiancee A>
represents the one you think ought to end up with Ranma. <Fiancee X>
represents the one you *least* want to see with him, or the one you feel
is the greatest threat or obstacle to his happiness with <Fiancee A>.
<Consolation Prize> is someone else who loves <Fiancee X> who you think
ought to get her instead of Ranma.
Using a global search and replace, you can edit the text of this so that
*your* preferences are reflected. You may also wish to edit dialog to
reflect the particular fiancees' speech patterns.
If you redistribute this fic, please send the original uncustomized
version only; let each individual reader make his or her own
substitution.
Standard disclaimer applies.
[Scene: Ranma is walking along the streets of Nerima, looking contented.
A voice comes down, seemingly out of nowhere.]
Voice: Ranma Saotome!
Ranma: [Looks around a bit, then up at voice] Yeah?
Voice: Where are you going?
Ranma: Gonna go see <Fiancee X>.
Voice: So, you've finally decided, eh?
Ranma: Uh, yeah. I, y'know, love her and so I'm gonna marry her.
Voice: What about <Fiancee A>?
Ranma: Well, she's all right, but I only like her as a friend and stuff.
Voice: Are you sure you're making... the *right choice?*
Ranma: Whattaya mean?
Voice: Have you thought about what your life could be like if you chose
<Fiancee A>?
Ranma: Well, I dunno....
Voice: Watch this!
[Scene dissolves. We see a much older Ranma, his hair mostly gray,
together at a dinner table with <Fiancee A> who still looks as beautiful
as ever.]
Ranma: Honey, it's been a great life. I'm so glad I chose you!
<Fiancee A>: Me too, honey. We've raised four wonderful children, saved
the world from hordes of demonic invaders, taken long walks in the
park...
Ranma: And the sex has been great!
<Fiancee A>: [slightly embarrassed] Right, darling. We've had so many
wonderful years together, filled with joy and happiness...
Ranma: ... and sex...
<Fiancee A:> Right, honey. [laughs]
Ranma: Did I mention the...
[The door crashes open. We see <Fiancee X> storm in. She has obviously
deteriorated over the years. Her face is distorted, with some hair and a
few teeth gone. Though still muscular, she has gained a bit of weight in
all the worst places. She looks angry.]
<Fiancee X>: RANMA! How DARE you be happy!
[<Fiancee X> pulls out an axe and charges forward at Ranma, but she
slips on a banana peel and ends up stabbing herself in the heart.]
<Fiancee A>: Oh NO! Please don't die! Ranma, help me get her to the
hospital!
Ranma: Too late, she's dead. [strikes dramatic pose] Why, oh why,
couldn't she just accept the inescapable threads of destiny that binds
me to <Fiancee A>?! If she had only accepted <Consolation Prize>'s love,
everything would have been all right. But no, she had to struggle
against what had to be. It was her tragic flaw.
<Fiancee A>: Her tragic flaw?
Ranma: Well... that and a few other things. But let us not think about
that. Let us simply remember her as having nobly sacrificed her own life
so that the two of us could be together.
<Fiancee A>: Oh, Ranma!
[Return to original scene with normal-aged Ranma]
Voice: Still think you're making the *right choice*?
Ranma: Well, uh... I dunno...
Voice: Then watch this!
[Scene dissolves again. We see a barren landscape strewn with corpses.
Demonic creatures are running around, killing whatever people happen to
be left. A young adult version of <Fiancee X> stands amidst the chaos,
smiling evilly. Ranma is slumped on the ground next to her, looking
emaciated and completely out of it.]
<Fiancee X>: NYA HA HA!
[<Fiancee A> runs over to the pair of them.]
<Fiancee A>: NO!! What are you doing to Ranma?
<Fiancee X>: TOO LATE! I've tapped into his ki energy so that I may use
it in my evil plans! Nothing can stop me from taking my ultimate revenge
on anyone who ever insulted me or parked in a space where I wanted to!
Ranma: I had jello today.
<Fiancee A>: Oh Ranma! What a fool I was to let you marry <Fiancee X>! I
only wanted you to be happy! Please, you have to reject your foolish
misguided love for her and fight back!
Ranma: It had little pieces of fruit inside it.
<Fiancee X>: There's nothing you can do, my dear. My demons will ravage
the world, killing everything that lives! NYA HA HA!!
[A demon slashes its claws into <Fiancee X> from behind, ripping out
several organs.]
<Fiancee X>: ... okay, maybe I could've thought this thing through a
little better... [dies]
<Fiancee A>: Oh, Ranma! And to think you could have prevented all of
this just by choosing me!
Ranma: It was orange flavored.
[<Fiancee A> weeps as she and Ranma are mauled by hordes of demons. The
view pans back as the entire Earth becomes a lifeless wasteland. It then
fades back to the original scene.]
Voice: Still want to marry <Fiancee X>?
Ranma: No way! I'm making the RIGHT CHOICE!
Voice: <Fiancee A>. The *right choice*. Appearing in fanfictions near
you!
Nabiki: [From out of shot] Cut!
[We pull back to see Nabiki, along with Hiroshi and Daisuke. Hiroshi is
carrying a camcorder. Daisuke has a microphone and has obviously been
doing the voice-overs.]
Nabiki: Thank you, Ranma.
Ranma: Okay, I did your dumb commercial. This means I don't owe you that
money no more, right?
Nabiki: Your debt is... reduced.
Akane: My own sister!
Nabiki: [counting a wad of bills that <Fiancee A> has just handed her]
Sorry sis, but cash is thicker than blood!
(If Akane IS <Fiancee A>, replace the last two lines with the following:
<Fiancee X>: No fair! Favoritism!
Nabiki: [counting money from Akane] Hey, if you've got the cash, I'll do
one for you too!)
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics