Okie all! I've been a TAD quiet lately, but.. well, Life is Life. Anyways,
angst. Total angst. so beyond angst that... well, anyways, spoilers for ep
24 of EVA -- ie, the Kaworu episode. Just letting you know... 

Darkness in the Cold: By Monica Shin

	I stare into the water. In the red light of the sunset, it is dark blood
and wine. Shadows of a past that can never be erased.

	And I wish.

	Climbing the rocks to where he had been, the first time I'd seen him in
the dusk, I sit. Staring out into the red glare of the sky.

	Longing. Hoping.

	No one is here. No one is ever here, now that the buildings have been
destroyed and the people evacuated. Leaving only me to know. 

	Mourning. Wanting.

	You were the first to ever say those words to me. Simple words, but you
were the first. In my heart, the pain that never leaves intensifies.

	Betrayal. 

	There had been such utter pain in my heart and soul when I thought that
you had used me like everyone else had. In that blind flash of realization,
I think I hated you as much as I hate my father. Except...

	I never truly hated you.

	You. Both of you. Neither of you. I don't... I want both of you to like
me. Approve of me. Tell me those words that only one of you did.

	I love you.

	Smiling, happy. So wise, and yet so careless. I watch the sun set as I
remember my impressions of you, Kaworu-kun. Philosopher and child, you told
me too much. You knew too much. 

	And I knew.

	You betrayed me by being an Angel. But you didn't. Somehow, in my heart, I
had already known that you weren't right. That you didn't fit. That you
wouldn't be able to stay.

	Home. 

	Did you envy me for my being able to go home? For being able to say that I
didn't feel like going back? You had no place on a world with humans. 

	You threw away immortality.

	You gave it to me, your life. One convulsion of my hand, and you were no
more. A being that could have -- that should have been shining forever.
Instead, nothing more than blood and meat. 

	Gone. 

	Into the mists that you had come from, you disappeared. No sign, no trace
that you had ever existed. 

	Except in me.

	A light in my life for a too-short space. Your smile gentle, forgiving.
Undemanding. Loving. 

	Obliterated.

	I throw a rock into the water-filled devastation, causing ripples and
disturbances all along the smooth surface. Breaking up the reflection of
the sun on the water and the rocks along the shore. I shatter into tiny
bits of me.

	Glass heart.

	I stand from my perch, and walk down slowly. Deliberately. The sun has
already set, making the waters black as the night surrounding it. Broken
buildings casting ominous shades all around. 

	Nothing but the darkness.

	Human hearts feel pain -- that is why it hurts to live. But humans can
forget, which is why they can live. But what happens when you can't forget
the loss?

	Nothing but the desire.

	I walk to the edge of the still lake. For a moment, I stare at it, before
I step into it. One foot at a time, until I am up to my neck. Only one step
more. Only one.

	Live.

	The desire to exist. To be. To become more than what you are. Why do I
have that? Why didn't you?

	The numbing chill of water all around. Ice.

	If I stay in here long enough, would that warm hand touch mine again? That
soft touch of lips on lips as you kissed me in the sultry heat of the bath.
One stolen moment with others that I will always remember.

	Sweetness. Heat.

	I sigh and shake my head. Slowly, I step out of the lake, and shiver in
the night. I can go home. I have one.

	Kaworu-kun.

	You could have had a place with me. If you had wanted more than oblivion.
If you hadn't had to sacrifice yourself for us. People. Mortals.
Insignificant beings who hate and kill and...

	Touch.

	I avoid contact -- feeling anything for people. And yet. How did you break
through all of the shields with just one smile, one word, one sensation of
warmth and kindness?

	Chill.

	I shiver again as the wind picks up, and decide to go back home. But I
turn again to that crater of devastation and disaster, now filled with
too-cold water. 

	Just one more look.

	Was it love? Did you even know it? I don't know. 

	I have no answers anymore. I wish I did. 

	But I waited for you that day, for no reason. I invited myself over to
your room for no reason. When you smiled at me, I blushed, for no reason.
Reason had nothing to do with why I stayed that night. 

	You needn't have come down onto the floor to me. 

	Sweetness and pure need. Sensation and pleasure merely for feeling, for
being. I think I cried at the end. 

	A single tear.

	And another one matches it down my cheeks as I turn from the bittersweet
memories, and go back to where I should be. 

	True memories can never be broken.

	I'll be back, Kaworu-kun. I'll play for you another night. You never did
hear me on the cello, did you? I would have liked for you to have heard me
once.

	If only.

	I would have liked to do a lot of things with you. 

	If only.

	Kaworu-kun. Say hello to my mother if you see her. Please.

	See you later, Kaworu-kun.

	Kaworu.

	Love.

---Finis---
-----
Monica/Akira-chan/Heero/Hayama/Naga/Kircheis no Miko- Proud TABBE! Member
monica@pipeline.com - http://www.pipeline.com/~monica/- Up! Yay! ^_^
Loves- CLAMP, LoGH, MB, RKen, Z/B, Gundam, EVA, Kodocha, RoV, Subby, K-sama
"Tell Annerose-sama that Sieg kept his promise..." - Kircheis-sama
"Watashi no Andre?" Oscar Francois de Jarjeyes