Off-screen, Andrew walks up to the sleeping WoLF and gives him a swift
kick in the back side. WoLF lands in an ungraceful pile in the middle of
the screen. With a sheepish grin, he pulls out the C&C rifle and aims it
at the FFML. His grin turns feral as he pulls the trigger.
A stick pops out of the barrel and a banner unfurls to reveal the word:
/----------------------------------------\
/ | | \
/ | BANG! | \
/ | | \
/ ---------------- \
/ \
/ \
/ \
/ \
/ \
/ \
Jusenkyo Productions Proudly Presents
A Bubblegum Crisis, Ah My Goddess!, and Tenchi Muyo cross over
Knights.
Part 2 If Wishes Were Ice-cream-cones.
A C&C brought to you by The Comment Patrol. If you are interested in
having your fic reviewed by a member of the comment patrol, please
point your web browser at: http://www.io.com/~hcobb/anime/comment.html
If you don't have web access, send e-mail to:
Henry J. Cobb <hcobb@io.com> . He is the coordinator for The Comment
Patrol and will pass your fic on to the appropriate person for review.
WoLF stares at the stupid excuse for a joke with wide eyes before
turning and shaking his fist at Andrew, who is snickering off-screen.
On with the show.
Her older sisters had gone, returned back to the temple. Belldandy was
worried about Kenchi, and wanted to start dinner, while Urd was bored.
This is a loaded set of phrases. Who is the older sister mentioned in
the first one? Belldandy and Urd are present.
Because the subject changes, you should break up the second sentence.
Try this:
Belldandy was worried about Keichii, and wanted to start dinner. Urd was
simply bored.
WoLF: Everyone knows that the author means Keichii, not Kenchi. I won't
mention this again.
Once they had fixed the time loop, there was no need for any of the
three Norns to hang around in Heaven. But Skuld stayed and watched the
last moments of the Knight Saber Nene. Along side her was her father,
Use "Beside" instead of "Along"---------^^^^^
WoLF: You make them sound like ships. ^_~
Him, The Lord, God, Kami-sama. He has had many names over time, but
Skuld knew Him as her father, and the one who had intrdusest her to
icecream.
ice cream introduced
There had been a bug in Yggdrasil, and Kami-sama had called the Norns
back to Heaven to fix the problem. Originally, it was Nene who was
supposed to die, not the rest of the Knight Sabers. On the monitor in
front of them, Nene pushed Syila out of the way, and got hit by the beam
of the BU-75.
WoLF: Nice. Your phrases flow well and are easy to read. I haven't seen
hint of a run-on sentence yet.
Kami-sama frowned a bit, “I thought that you and your sisters lived in
the 1990’s, Nene’s time was in the 2030’s. How then did you know her?”
^
I would put a period here. It seems like a natural place for it.
Skuld blushed a bit, “She and I chatted over the net Lord, I used an
uplink to Yggdrasil to breach the time barrier.” ^
I would put a period here too.----------------------------------|
The corners of Kami-sama’s mouth turned up slightly, “You used the
computer that runs to universe to chat on the Internet?” He asked.
I've had this error pointed out to me several time in one of my own fics.
I watch for it now.
If the lead-in phrase doesn't have a word linking the quote, there should
be a period between them.
Examples of linking words to a quote:
he/she/it said
he/she/it asked
he/she/it inquired
he/she/it demanded
etc.
In other words, you should have a period after the word "slightly".
Skuld tried her ultra sweet and innocent routine on Him. “I’m sorry
Father, I just wanted to chat with someone who knew computers as well as
I did.” She said with big innocent eyes.
Here is a better example. There is a period after the word "Him". This is
correct since there is no linking word. BUT! I would put a period after
Father. That way, I could put a comma after "I did" since there is the
linking word "she said" right next to it.
Kami-sama was not fooled. After all, He had made the cat. “Skuld, are
you that lonely?”
WoLF: This phrase has no linking word so there is a period. Perfect.
I won't mention this again either.
“But now you had to cut her life line, locking her in time.” Kami-sama
said. “You may rejoin your sisters Skuld, you have earned your ice-cream
for the week.”
WoLF: Is this some kind of obscure reference? I know Skuld likes ice cream,
but I didn't know she worked for it.
After Skuld left, Kami-sama sat thinking for a bit. The problem was he
I would put a comma here--------------------------------------------------^
decided, that Skuld was right. She was still a child, and had been
“If wishes were ice-cream-cones, even Skuld could eat her fill.” He
murmured to Himself.
WoLF: That's a nice quote. An original variation on "If wishes were
horses... "
“Lord, I.....” He stuttered.
“Peace Kenchi, know that I am well pleased with thee, thou hast made my
daughter most happy.” Kami-sama said. Then he asked something that sent
Kenchi blushing to his roots.
WoLF: OOOOOO! I almost wish I knew what he said... although I could guess.
Wanna bet it had something to do with little Gods and Goddesses
playing at his feet.
Keichii & Belldandy: Would you stop, he has enough ideas already.
“Kenchi-san, who is it on the phone?” she asked in the sweet voice of
hers. ^^^
I would probably change the "the" for a "That"------------|||
“Lord! Why are you calling?” Belldandy asked.
WoLF: The linking rule doesn't apply to question marks. This phrase is
correct. You wouldn't change the question mark for a comma. The
next word after the question mark is capitalized as usual.
“I need to speak with Skuld.” He said.
WoLF: <Grin> there would be a comma here though. The "He" should be in
lower case.
Kami-sama told her. By the time that Skuld got there, having gone
through the door, and skidded to a stop in front of the phone, both
Belldandy and Kenchi were bright red.
WoLF: I would probably have written this sentence like this:
Kami-sama told her. By the time Skuld got there, both Belldandy and Keichii
were blushing bright red.
WoLF: I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with the extra... but
that's what it is: extra. I feel that it adds nothing to the
scene.
This is a personal opinion and should be ignored if you choose to
do so.
“What’s wrong with you oneechan?” Skuld asked. Belldandy and Kenchi
blushed even brighter.
WoLF: <Snicker>
Keichii: <Hissing under his breath> This is not funny!
“No but’s Skuld, I have spoken.” And with that He hung up.
WoLF: Good old God. Hiding his gifts in orders. Makes the surprise that
much nicer. Well done.
Urd chose that time to make her presents felt. She came into the hall
presence
to find a still blushing Kenchi and Belldandy, and a furious Skuld.
This phrase bugs me for some reason. I think it's the word "still"? I'm
not sure. Something about it sounds wrong. <SHRUGS>
“Man, every time I go out, something happens.” she complained, then a
smile crossed her lips, “But on the other hand, Thor is definitely worth
it.”
WoLF: Wha?! <Spits wink all over the place> I don't want to know.
Keichii: <smirks> You deserved that.
Andrew: <looks discouraged> But I have to clean up the mess...
The next morning showed up, bring with it a new visitor.
WoLF: Can you say this? Showed up sort of implies movement by a living
being... I think?
“Hello, my name is Nene, are you Skuld?” she asked.
Put a period here-------------^ Are
Skuld took the logical course of action that most people would do if
someone you knew is dead just showed up to tell you that she is now a
Goddess, or in other words, Skuld screamed and fainted.
WoLF: I thought Skuld's logical reaction for stuff was to hit them with
her crocket mallet? <GRIN>
Skuld: You were saying?... <Brandishing said weapon>
WoLF: GULP!
In another part of the world, another red head sat at her computer and
glared at the screen. On it were the words: ‘Welcome to Yggdrasil,
Please enter your password.’ But that was not the trouble, the trouble
that was causing the red head so much anger was the blinking words
underneath it.
‘Access Denied.’
WoLF & Skuld: Anything but that! It would be the end of the world if she
got in.
Andrew: <Grin> But it would be fun.
WoLF: That's because you like Washuu so much. Can you imagine the damage
she could do?
Andrew: Oh yes! ^_^
OK, that’s the end of chapter one, part two of Knights. Please don’t
hit me, I just couldn’t resist getting together my three favorite people
WoLF: I wouldn't dream of hitting you. This is a nice piece of work.
The potential for disaster is already tangible.
Apparently, the author's been talking to Andrew? Whatever sneak
preview you gave to Andrew was enough to give him pause. I look
forward to the next part.
C&C wise, I had to look pretty hard for errors.
<Puts away the C&C rifle. The first clip is only half empty>
Characterizations: As such, I have no complaints. But it's 1:45 in the
morning, my time... and I may be slipping. ^_^
Good night all.
Standard disclaimer: No fanfic authors were harmed (I think) in the
production of this C&C.
See ya
___________
/ Here lies:\ "Oh my god! They killed Kenny!"
| Andrew | http://www.ugcs.caltech.edu/~ttant/SouthPark/
| |
| I think | Andrew Petalik {ICQ ID: 160869}
| he's hungry | "I am Cornholio! I need some TP for my bunghole.
| | I have no bunghole."