Donny Cheng writes:

Ordinary

By

Donny Cheng

<snip!>

Clever premise...a few things could use some work, though...
1) I was a little confused in the sequence where Yuka tries out the dating
techniques; were some of these supposed to be daydream sequences?  It seems
like it but it's hard to tell.
2) Why not go a little more into the complications caused by being a
Ranma-iinazuke?  Disposing of toxic rose bouquets, surviving staredowns
with Ukyou, losing comfortable eating priveleges at Neko-Hanten, etc.  I
feel like the fic moves too quickly after the "engagement" to appreciate
the situation.
3) The engagement itself could use a little work.  Kodachi is often not
counted among the iinazuke, and even she has more reason to be recognized
than Yuka under your circumstances.  Somehow or other this engagement has
to be made substantial enough for anybody to take it seriously, but flimsy
enough that it can be gotten out of eventually.

A few specific nitpicky bits, too:

she woke up.  It's just not fair.  Ranma was about to tell her that he

                         ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Should be "It just wasn't fair" since everything else in the paragraph is
in past tense.  Unless it's supposed to be Yuka's thoughts, in which case
it needs <> or "" or something around it.

	Yuka tore her gaze from Ranma to look at the black-haired Sayuri with
shame.  "Sorry."

Something about "the black-haired Sayuri with shame" sounds singsongy and
rather weird.  Not a big deal, though.

	Yuka pinched herself.  That hurt a lot.  It was not a dream.  Miss
Hinako had indeed partnered her up with for an English project.  

Huh?  "partnered her up with _him_", maybe...

of his fights, yet he did nothing to stop Nabiki.  "Ranma, I wanted to
know why you just didn't follow Nabiki's orders.  She can't stop you
from not going with the person that paid for your services."

Eep, weird sentence construction.  I'd be lost if Yuka was talking to me
IRL.

	Unfortunately, another person had chose to think that way.  A person
with a giant kick ass spatula to be specific.

"had chosen"

* * * * *

Ukyo had passed by fast food joint and came in to see what all the
commotion was.  "Ranma!  Are you saying that you've got another girl
after you now?"

"Ukyo had passed by the fast food joint and come in to see..."

	Ranma finally shrugged Shampoo off him only to have Ukyo pound him with
her spatula.  This resulted in Shampoo fighting with Ukyo.  Soon word
spread throughout Nerima of Ranma's new 'fiancée'.  Akane, Kodatchi,
Mousse, Kuno, and Ryoga soon arrived on the scene seeking blood.

This resulted in Shampoo fighting with Ukyo...rather dull, no?  Though the
fight scene isn't the key to this fic it could use some livening up, or at
least enough detail to get a rough picture of it in our heads.

(This is, incidentally, where it becomes horribly unclear as to why anyone
is calling Yuka a fiancee.  They're dense, but...)

	Ranma cursed himself.  You say one wrong thing and people jump at it. 
Life just wasn't fair.  Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Yuka
worried face.  The poor girl.  She must have been scared out of her

"Yuka's worried face"

mind.  Ranma decided that he had to save her.  He quickly escaped from
the seven people that were after his hide and went to Yuka.  He had to
get her to safety.

"He had to save her.  He had to get her to safety."  Ho hum.  Maybe burn
these sentences together or something.

	"Don't be scared.  I'll bring you to a safe place."  Ranma quickly
vaulted away with the other in pursuit.

"the others"

	"That's okay, Akane.  I wasn't hurt too much."  The fight had ended
yesterday, when Yuka had got hurt. 

"gotten hurt"

artist hurt in one of their squabbles.  Well, everyone except Kuno and
Kodatchi.

Really?  What did they do, then?  I'm curious.

at this turn of events.  At least now, her life was not so ordinary.

I'm getting pleasant shades of a few Hiroshi & Daisuke fics here...Ryoga
1/2 and the shoe one, in particular.

 

	Yuka followed Ranma after school.  She had a hard time trying to catch
up to him.  He then when into an alleyway.  She followed him in, only to
stare at him face to face.

"went into"

	"I heard you the first time."  It was Ranma's turn to look nervous. 
For all his bravado, Ranma was very insecure when it came to any type of
intimacy.  He groaned inwardly as he looked a Yuka.  Why hadn't he

"looked at Yuka"

you.  I think you should as someone else.  I don't have the same
feelings for you."

"ask someone else"

Hrm, Ranma comes off a bit cold here.  Granted, he's not the best person in
the world at expressing himself, but maybe he should at least give a hint
that he's saying no partly to keep her from suffering the life his other
admirers do....after all, that seems to be his main motivation in saying
no.

	Yuka immediately latched on to Ranma with her lips.  She poured her
entire heart and soul in to the kiss.  All her dreams where she kissed

"into the kiss"

***

S'about it on the nitpick front.  I really did like this one, as it's a
good idea done pretty well, and acts as a perfect complement to other
ordinary-people fics..."Normal" in particular.  Thumbs-up.

(IMO, as usual)

---Addison