[Fade in on a small room. There is a sofa against one wall, with a
German flag hanging on the wall behind it; across the room, facing the
sofa, is a large TV/VCR assemblage. Several chairs and a table -- on
top of which are assorted objects and, especially, papers -- seem to
have been hurriedly shoved against the far wall. A college student is
sitting on the sofa, reading a newspaper. He looks up, blinks, and,
smiling nervously, throws the paper to the side. It lands on the
table, on top of the stack.]
Scott: Uh, hi. I'm Scott, from the Comment Patrol. Didn't think I'd
be seeing any fics in my area this soon... right. Anyway, we try to
review any of the fanfics dealing with particular series. Mine are
Mamono Hunter Yohko, Marmalade Boy, Kimagure Orange Road, and Maison
Ikkoku, so if you write a fanfic or crossover involving any of these
and don't get C&C, feel free to send me a nasty letter. ^_^ Anyway, I
don't typically write criticism in this style, but this time, it
seemed appropriate.
Urac 'Ratbat' Sigma wrote:
And remember, I love C&C... :)
Scott: And on that note, let me introduce my puppets... uh, partners.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... the People Not Appearing In This
Fanfic.
[Yuu and Akane walk into the room from the foreground.]
Akane: That took you long enough.
Yuu: (looking around) If this is an MST-style critique, aren't we
supposed to have a theme song, or a cool setting, or something?
Akane: Yeah, and what about the doors?
Scott: Hey, I don't have that kind of budget. Be glad we have the
sofa...
[Yuu and Akane sit down.]
Yuu: It looks like your mailreader is having trouble quoting the
attachment.
Scott: True, but it shouldn't matter. Everything with character name
in caps and text not left-aligned was written by Urac Sigma. The rest
is mine.
A Marmalade Boy/Ranma 1/2 alternate history crossover
Scott: Someone decided the relationships weren't complicated enough
as they were. This was the only way.
MUSTARD GIRL
Episode #2
Otoko tai Onna. Iinazuke wa Dare desuka?
by Urac Sigma
Scott: (points a remote at the VCR and fastforwards through the cast
list) Miki apparently isn't looked upon favorably by our good author.
Yuu: That's putting it mildly...
Scott: However, Meiko and, for some inconceivable reason, Namura are.
Yuu: Now you're bringing your own biases into it.
Scott: Well, yeah... okay, on with the fic.
1. LIBRARY.
[With the typical Marmalade Boy this-is-what-
happened-last-episode music, we pick up from the
last scene of episode 1...]
MIWA: Oh, I'm sure you'd at least like a tour of the
school. Then maybe of a movie theatre...
Akane: Miwa isn't really a womanizer, he's just practicing to take
over at Jusenkyo.
Scott: "Oh, sir, is very bad, you fall in Spring of Drowned Girl. By
the way, are you doing anything Friday night?"
Yuu: Miwa can't help it. He's fallen into the Spring of Drowned
Comic Relief.
[Ranma steps right back and tries to overcome
the sheer futility of her next statement.]
RANMA: Listen!! I'm a guy!
Scott: Has anyone ever listened to him when he's said that?
[Miwa smiles.]
MIWA: Hey! We've got something in common, then!
Akane: He's persistent, you've got to give him that.
[Ranma notices the figure emerging from behind
one end of the bookcase.]
Yuu: Remember, if you think you might need to hide behind a bookcase
in the future, it's always a good idea to diet first.
Akane: That's not what he meant...
Scott: True. It's either Shampoo or Ukyou; either way, that's quite
a figure...
Akane: <glowing blue aura>
SOMEONE ELSE:You stop there!
All: o/~ Stop... in the name of love...
[Judging from Miwa's reaction, she turns to see
someone come out from the other end, as well.]
Scott: (Ranma) In the future, I've gotta rememebr to look behind all
the bookcases.
Yuu: The first one had a figure, but the second one doesn't?
Akane: Men...
SOMEONE: What do you think you're doing with my fiancé?
Scott: (Miwa) I was going to give her a tour of the school, and then
the movie theater, and then my bedroom, and...
Akane: Rest in peace, Miwa. Uhm, shouldn't that be 'fiancee'?
Yuu: Well, he is a girl right now...
[On Miwa's justifiably surprised reaction.]
ART CARD.
[With Ranma ˝'s episode-title jingle.]
MEIKO [VO]: Otoko tai Onna. Iinazuke wa Dare desuka?
1 (Continued).
MIWA: Wow. An engaged lesbian who thinks she's a man.
I sure know how to pick them.
Yuu: Miwa usually seems a little more devious and intelligent than
this.
Scott: (Miwa) It's all part of the master plan!
[Ranma turns to glare at him.]
RANMA: Urusai! I'm not a lesbian! I'm not engaged
either! I'm not even a girl!
Scott: Boy, that's a lot of exclamation points. You think it's...
Akane: (flatly) Don't -even- say it.
[Both she and Miwa let their gaze sink to her
chest.]
MIWA: Then puberty sure was bad to you.
[Ranma thumps him against the bookshelf and he
falls to the ground. She turns to face 'Someone
Else'. She turns out to be a girl of about
nineteen, with lots of purple hair and a white
Chinese jumpsuit.]
RANMA: I know you, right...?
SHAMPOO: No you can forget! Shampoo is Shampoo!
Yuu: (Ranma) No, I can forget? Okay. Thanks!
[She looks over her shoulder to 'Someone'. This
one is a young lady about the same age as Ranma,
long brown hair, royal blue tunic with 'suki'
kanji all over it, and a collection of small
spatulas culminating in an absolutely huge one
on her back. Ukyou.]
RANMA: I've never seen you before.
[This seems to ire her. A lot.]
UKYOU: 'Never seen'?! You bastard!
Akane: I thought he was facing Shampoo.
Yuu: He's the Man with a Thousand Faces.
Scott: Or woman, as the case may be.
Akane: That means he has 998 other fiancees waiting for him?
Scott: If this place is anything like the Ranmaverse, yes, probably.
[She whips a spatula from her collection and
throws it at Ranma. Ranma ducks it, and it
almost hits Shampoo.]
SHAMPOO: Hey! Careful temper!
Akane: (waving fans) A little more to the left! You almost had her!
UKYOU: Sorry.
Akane: Aww...
RANMA: Who are you, then?
Yuu: (Shampoo) No you can forget. Ukyou is Ukyou!
Akane: (Shampoo) No you is helpful. Confused is confused.
UKYOU: Kuonji... Kuonji Ukyou. Ring any bells, Ranchan?
[Miwa is getting to his feet.]
RANMA: Kuonji...?
MIWA: Say, do you mind if I ask--
RANMA: What's your name?
Scott: (Miwa) No, actually, I was going to ask for a date again. I'm
a slow learner.
MIWA: Miwa Satoshi.
RANMA: Ja, Miwa-san...run!!
[They take off at a high speed, ducking past
Ukyou and away.]
Yuu: Ducking?
Scott: Colloquial.
Akane: That, or Mousse showed up from the other other enf of the
bookcase.
Yuu: (Ranma) I'd like to trade that in for what's in the box.
SHAMPOO: Hey...!
[Ukyou is visibly upset.]
Scott: (Ukyou) Damn! I didn't expect that duck!
UKYOU: He didn't even remember me...
SHAMPOO: We worry about that later! After Ranma now!
[They go in the wake of Miwa and Ranma.]
Akane: Shouldn't the "wake" be after they catch him?
Yuu: That, too.
Scott: I think they have a fate worse than death in mind.
2. CORRIDOR.
[Ginta has joined Meiko and Miki, and the three
of them walk along the corridor. Meiko carries a
kettle. Meiko and Miki are talking about
something, but we focus on Ginta's thoughts.]
GINTA [VO]: I'm sure I saw a girl there...but the only
person I saw before was that guy with the red
top. But...
GINTA: Miki, who's Saotome Ranma?
[Miki stops, a look of bizarre alarm on her
face.]
Yuu: As opposed to her usual look of ordinary alarm.
MIKI: He's...he's...just some guy who I don't really
know well at all. I think...[inspiration!] I
think he lives near me, so if he ever comes to
school by the same route as me, then...that's
why! It's just a coincidence!!
GINTA: Aa...sooka.
GINTA [VO]: 'Some guy'. But didn't Miki tell that strange
woman that Saotome Ranma was a girl?
Scott: Ranma Saotome, all things to all men. And women.
Akane: Hentai.
Scott: I didn't mean it like that... it's a reference! Honest!
[His head starts to spin.]
GINTA: Maybe I just shouldn't worry about it.
MIKI: Un?
All: He said, "Maybe I just shouldn't worry about it."
GINTA: Aaa...nothing. Uh, I have to go. Ja!
MIKI & MEIKO:Mata nę!
[Miki watches him go.]
MIKI: He's still so nice to me. But if he likes me so
much, why did he drop me? I still like him.
But...then there's...Ranma.
[Looks disappointed with herself for even daring
to fancy a hydro-induced physiotranssexual.
Realises something.]
Akane: I know the feeling.
MIKI: Nę, Meiko, why are you carrying a kettle?
Yuu: (Meiko) Because I wanted to see how long it would take you to
notice. You're slightly less perceptive than a rock.
Scott: (Meiko) Because there are times when I just -need- coffee.
Akane: (Meiko) Because the pot called it black, and I had to separate
them before things got violent.
MEIKO: I have a feeling it might come in useful before
long...
Scott: Meiko sees all, knows all.
[For once, Miki looks justifiably confused.]
Yuu: "For once"?
3. STAIRWELL.
[Ranma and Miwa run up the stairs. Ginta has to
leap out of the way. He looks after them.]
GINTA [VO]: That girl again...it's definitely a girl, but
she's dressed in the same Chinese stuff as Ranma
was.
Akane: Apparently Ginta got a brain transplant from Kunou.
Yuu: Suou-kun was never that bright.
SHAMPOO [OOV]: Stop now!
[Ginta gets floored by Shampoo and Ukyou
charging up the stairs.]
Scott: (Ginta) I... stopped...
GINTA: I get the feeling this isn't the first time
something like this will happen.
Akane: Now Ginta is precognitive, too.
[A small distance away from him, Miwa comes to a
halt, puffed.]
Yuu: He's always like tha-- oh, sorry. I thought you said "puffed
up."
MIWA: What am I running for? [Pant] It's her they
want... [Pant]
[He straightens up and looks proud.]
MIWA: Besides, what am I doing running away from
women?!
Scott: Considering they're Ranmaverse women, I'd say "exhibiting
intelligent behavior."
Akane: HEY!
[Ginta sees this and face-faults.]
Yuu: Facefault from lying prone on the stairs. That's impressive.
Akane: 9.8, 9.7, 9.9, 9.8, and a 6.4 from the Russian judge.
4. CORRIDOR.
[Ranma charges down, seeing Miki and Meiko at
the end of the corridor.]
Yuu: (Ranma) This is perfect! If I charge now, I can kill them both
at once!
MIKI [Calls]:Nę! You're not supposed to run in the hall!
[Ranma is reaching them as...]
RANMA: I'll risk it!
All: Take... the... risk!
[She pauses for breath a moment. Her bust is
troubling her.]
Scott: I won't even bother. It's too easy.
Yuu: And you've got a hot-tempered mallet-wielding Ranma character
sitting next to you.
Scott: Yes, that too.
RANMA: Chikusho...! These things are a nuisance!
[Miki blushes and looks angry.]
Yuu: (Ranma) Wait, Miki, I wasn't talking about you and Meiko... I
meant my breasts!
MIKI [VO]: How can he be so crude about her own body!?
Akane: (Miki) And why can't I keep my gender pronouns straight?!
[Ranma starts to run again, but Meiko grabs her
arm.]
RANMA: Meiko! I've gotta--
Scott: (Ranma) --do what I wanna do.
Yuu: (Ranma) --dance when the music's playing.
Akane: (Ranma) --shout! Come on, now. Shout!...
MEIKO: Ranma.
[She tips the contents of the kettle over
Ranma's head, and she changes. Ranma looks
stunned.]
Scott: I'd look stunned too, if someone poured a kettle of hot water
over my head, then changed right in front of me.
MEIKO: Better now?
[Miki and Ranma just splutter at her.]
Akane: (Miki) You didn't have to get ME wet too!
RANMA: A...a...you know about Jusenkyou curses?
MEIKO: I'm in the literature club...I spend a lot of
time in the library. I've read about all kinds
of things!
Scott: As I said... Meiko sees all, knows all.
MIKI: And you don't think it's weird?
Scott: (Meiko) Of course not! The author's decided I'm the
sympathetic character!
[Meiko glares at her.]
MEIKO [Deadpan]: Well, you can talk. Your parents swapped
with another couple.
Scott: (Meiko) Oh, and I'm not supporting your parents' swap in this
continuity, either.
[Miki fumes. She's not having the best of days.
She snaps at Ranma.]
MIKI: Why are those girls chasing you?!
[Meiko looks down the corridor.]
MEIKO: Maybe we should worry about that later...look!
[The three of them disappear into a convenient
classroom. Ukyou storms down the corridor, looks
around, but doesn't see anything. She turns back
the way she came.]
Akane: (Ukyou) I wish I'd been smart enough to look down the corridor
I was walking along. Then I might have seen them duck into that
convenient classroom.
5. STAIRWELL.
[Ukyou returns just as Shampoo does the same
from the opposite direction. Miwa is still
here.]
UKYOU: They've gone.
SHAMPOO: Shampoo no can find them too.
[She rounds on Miwa.]
SHAMPOO: You tell Shampoo!! Where is Ranma?
[She grabs him and holds him against the wall by
his throat.]
Yuu: (Miwa) I think I saw him at the movie theater. Would you like
me to take you there?
MIWA [Choking]: I don't know...
SHAMPOO: You lie! Where you hide him?
MIWA [Choking]: [Gack!] HIM? She looked-- [erk] I mean, I
really don't know-- uhh...
SHAMPOO: Me can hurt you!
Scott: (Miwa) Promise?
[Ukyou gently taps Shampoo on the shoulder with
a spatula.]
UKYOU: Y'know, sugar, most likely he really doesn't
know anything about this...
Akane: (Ukyou) ...Or much of anything else, from the looks of it.
[Shampoo reluctantly lets him go. He gasps and
rubs his neck.]
MIWA: Uhh...thank you...
Yuu: (Miwa) I really appreciate your decision not to torture and/or
kill me.
Akane: (Miwa) That's one of the most important things I look for in a
relationship.
Scott: (Miwa) I haven't actually found it yet, but...
[He smiles That Miwa Smile.]
MIWA: You know, you're kind of pretty when you're
psychotic.
UKYOU: I'm sorry about my friend... she gets a bit
worked up when it comes to matters like this...
You see, me and Shampoo - we've both got a bit
of beefbowl to settle with Saotome Ranma...
MIWA: Sure looked like it. What the heck did
this...person...do to you?
UKYOU: In my case, nothing. And there's the problem...
Scott: (Miwa) I'd be glad to fill in for him...
[Dissolve.]
Akane: I'm melting... melting...
6. EMPTY CLASSROOM.
[How strange. No-one seems to be needing to do
any schooling today. Oh, well...]
[It's not entirely empty, though. Miki and Meiko
are sitting on desks, watching a pacing Ranma.]
RANMA: I just don't get it. I don't think I did
anything to Kuonji Ukyou.
MIKI: You're not sure?
RANMA: I was only five when I knew him!
[He stops and looks up.]
RANMA: And he was a him!
MEIKO: Maybe he still is.
MIKI: Nani? You think he's...
[She blushes.]
RANMA: I think she means that Ukyou could have fallen
into the same pool I did, Miki.
Akane: But Miki is closer to right. Score one for her, I guess.
MIKI: Oh.
RANMA: But that's not what I'm worrying about now. What
did I do to him to piss him off so much? And
his...her...fiancé?!
Yuu: (Ranma) I have absolutely no clue how those two things might be
related!
[That doesn't help Miki's mood much.]
MIKI: Maybe you should try to remember! Maybe this
marriage thing is all a mistake!
RANMA: You could be right. I hope you're right...
[He remembers. Flashback to:]
7. ROADSIDE.
[Genma is here, as is a much younger Ranma [as
in, age five or so]. Both are wearing gis,
walking down a dirt path in the countryside.]
Yuu: (Ranma) Are we there yet?
Akane: (Genma) No.
Yuu: (Ranma) Are we there yet?
Akane: (Genma) NO!
Yuu: (Ranma) Are we there yet?
Akane: (Genma) Argh!
RANMA [VO]: I met him on the first training trip my dad took
me on. His dad had...an okonomiyaki yatai.
[Genma and little Ranma arrive at a food cart.
An Ukyou (who does look like a boy, but in a
five-year-old-girl kind of way) of the same age
as Ranma is there.]
RANMA [VO]: We used to get food from him all the time.
Ucchan and I used to get on great.
[Young Ukyou and Young Ranma start arsing about
together.]
RANMA [VO]: And he was a real good chef, even though he was
only five.
Akane: How assuring it is to know that some things never change. -_-
[Young Ukyou leaps up to the griddle on the
yatai, then brings a lovely-looking okonomiyaki
down for Ranma. Before giving it over to him,
she draws a big love-heart on it in okonomiyaki
sauce. He takes to it happily.]
RANMA [VO]: He tried to teach me to do it, but it never
quite worked.
[Young Ranma now leaps up to the griddle and
brings down his creation: a five-centimetre
thick chunk of blackness.]
Akane: But Ranma can cook...
Scott: Not okonomiyaki, apparently.
RANMA [VO]: Gotta admit, though, he was always real nice
about it.
[As Ranma happily eats his okonomiyaki from
Ukyou, Ukyou puts Ranma's creation to her lips,
bites, and pulls back to reveal a missing tooth.
She smiles at Ranma, then, while Ranma is
looking down to eat, throws it away.]
[End flashback.]
8. EMPTY-ISH CLASSROOM.
RANMA: Then one day he just went away. Oyaji never did
say where he went. So I don't know what could
have happened!
9. STAIRWELL.
[Miwa, Ukyou and Shampoo are still here. Shampoo
is off in the background, yawning while Ukyou
talks to Miwa.]
Akane: (Shampoo) Shampoo take nap while Ukyou ramble on, okay?
Yuu: She just keeps going, and going, and...
UKYOU: Saotome Ranma betrayed me, that's what happened!
[Flashback to:]
10. ROADSIDE.
[Younger versions of Ukyou and Ranma playing
like before.]
UKYOU [VO]: All that time that we were playing together, I
was in love with Ranchan, and I knew it. So, I
told my dad this...and he offered to propose
marriage to Ranma for me, giving the yatai as a
dowry. He did, and they took the yatai...
[Young Ranma gets up and leaves the picture.]
UKYOU [VO]: ...but after they took their yatai, Ranma never
came back!
[End flashback.]
11. STAIRWELL.
UKYOU: He took my heart and fried it in a savoury
batter, then left it out for the dogs!!
Yuu: She uses such picturesque metaphors.
Scott: I don't believe Ranma... didn't he know that fried food isn't
good for you?
[Tears are now very much in her eyes. At the
batter remark, Miwa casts a 'What the heck?'
glance at Shampoo, which she returns with a 'she
always does that' one.]
MIWA [VO]: This Ranma is one heavy guy...or chick...or
whatever...I need to find out all I can about
her...even if she is really a guy, I bet her
female side still gets lonely...
Yuu: (Miwa) I'm not desperate, I'm open-minded!
[He looks over at Shampoo.]
MIWA [VO]: Or, better yet, this Shampoo girl might learn to
get over him...but why does she want him, for
that matter?
Akane: That's a good question. There isn't an answer.
Scott: Doesn't that bother you?
Akane: What do you think?
Scott: Uhm... I think I'll shut up now.
MIWA: So where do you fit into all this? I know you
both want to marry him, but doesn't that mean
you should fight each other?
SHAMPOO: That all change when Ukyou come to my village...
[Flashback to:]
12. EDGE OF VILLAGE.
[We see a figure approaching a group of huts
that marks the start of the village of Chinese
Amazons. As we draw closer, we can see that is
Ukyou, dressed and bound to look like a male.]
UKYOU [VO]: Right. By this time I was sixteen - and I'd been
living as a boy. After what Ranma had done to
me, I couldn't bear life as a girl for a very
long time... I'd started tracking Ranchan down,
and I'd got as far as a particular region of
China...
[As the flashback-Ukyou approaches, one of the
village women calls out to her in Mandarin.]
VILLAGER: Hey, you! Outsider! Who are you? What do you
want here?
Yuu: (Villager) And WHAT... is your favorite color?
[Ukyou stares at her blankly.]
UKYOU: I'm sorry...I don't speak much...Mandarin?
Cantonese? French? Do you speak Japanese?
Akane: French?
Scott: (Ukyou) I couldn't bear life as an intelligent human being for
a very long time... so I became a Kunou.
VILLAGER: You're quite welcome to pay a visit, stranger,
but we need to know what you want!
UKYOU: Gomenasai...wakarimasen...[slowly and
patronisingly] I'm looking for Saotome Ranma.
Has he--
SHAMPOO [OOV]: Saotome Ranma?! Who dares utter that name
in my presence??
Yuu: (Ukyou) I'm Kuonji Ukyou. Nice to meet you.
[Shampoo launches forth from the distance, and
comes to a landing before Ukyou.]
SHAMPOO: That foul scoundrel has thoroughly humiliated me
before my entire village, so if you've got
anything to do with her, I want to hear about
it!
Scott: And now Shampoo is getting Kunouesque.
Akane: It could be worse.
Scott: I doubt that.
UKYOU: Ranma...is...my...fiancé!
SHAMPOO: Ranma what? I'm terribly sorry, old bean, but I
can't understand a dashed word you're saying.
Akane: See? It's worse.
Scott: ...
[Ukyou pulls a phrasebook from a pocket in her
backpack and flips through it.]
UKYOU: Me...marry!
[This enrages Shampoo.]
SHAMPOO: You want to marry me? I must say, old chap, I
admire your pluck, seeing as we've just met and
all that - but I'll only stand for it if you
come by the rules of our village - and best me
in combat!!
Yuu: (Shampoo) By the way, I'm uncommonly calm for an enraged sort o'
person, wouldn't you say?
[She leaps at Ukyou and tackles her to the
ground. Ukyou only just manages to get free and
drop her pack. She looks at the phrasebook.]
Akane: Fumble!
Scott: Shampoo's grabbed the bag... she's going for the 30... the
20... the 10...
UKYOU: Blankety-blank two-hundred-yen piece of
rubbish!!
[She throws it away. She grabs a spatula and
turns for the next Shampoo attack, but she's too
off-guard to start with, and the pack and book
have only made it worse. When she tries to throw
the spatula, Shampoo flicks it back at her,
throws her own bonbori to knock her to the
ground. Grabbing her weapon once more, Shampoo
dives in for the crushing blow...]
Scott: (Ukyou) I couldn't bear life as a competent martial artist for
a very long time... so I became the late-manga Akane.
Akane: HEY!
NEW VOICE: WAIT!!
[Ukyou slowly opens her eyes to see that she is
not being pounded, after all. Shampoo's blow has
been held in check by a small, very old looking
woman holding a stick against the younger
Amazon's wrist.]
Yuu: She may be an old woman, but she has a -new- voice.
Akane: (Cologne) You like it? I just traded in the old one.
SHAMPOO: Now hang on a moment, great-grandmother, what is
it you're playing at?
[Her great-grandmother, Cologne, looks up at
her.]
COLOGNE: Even though ignorance of our traditions is no
excuse for anything, Shampoo, I think these
might be considered mitigating circumstances.
Look!
[Cologne points. Ukyou and Shampoo both look and
see that the deflected spatula damaged both
Ukyou's shirt and her binding, and while she's
not exactly all on display, breasts are
certainly in evidence.]
SHAMPOO: Another girl wanted to marry me? That doesn't
happen very often.
COLOGNE: [Sigh] Child, I can understand everything our
guest has been saying. She doesn't want to marry
you at all. [To Ukyou] Can you stand, stranger?
Yuu: (Cologne) And I don't blame her. That accent would drive
anybody mad.
[Ukyou, relieved to be hearing Japanese, nods
and gets to her feet.]
COLOGNE: Then I suggest you come with me. We have a lot
of talking to do.
[Cologne and Ukyou move off. Shampoo stares
after them for a second.]
SHAMPOO: What's the problem? Why doesn't she want to
marry me? What's wrong with me??
Akane: You're violent.
Scott: You're somewhat less than intelligent.
Yuu: You're obnoxious.
[Her ego bruised, she turns to the other
villager.]
SHAMPOO: You would, wouldn't you? You'd marry me if you
liked girls, wouldn't you?
[The villager says nothing, just walks away.
Shampoo humphs and stalks off after Cologne and
Ukyou. Dissolve.]
13. COLOGNE'S HUT.
[Shampoo watches as Cologne is talking to
Ukyou.]
UKYOU [VO]: Shampoo's great-grandmother told me about the
Saotome Ranma they'd met - but they'd met a
girl...
COLOGNE: ...then, after she and her panda had eaten all
the food that was to be the prize for the
contest, she and Shampoo fought - if Ranma won,
then the food would have been hers anyway.
UKYOU: And did she win?
COLOGNE: Ranma? Oh yes. But to be defeated by an outsider
was a great humiliation for Shampoo, and so
Shampoo gave her the kiss of death. With no
prior arrangement or proposal before the fight,
Shampoo is now pledged to kill the girl known as
Saotome Ranma.
Scott: Welcome to the Amazon village, where even if you win, you
lose.
UKYOU: But Ranma's a boy! I told you that!
SHAMPOO: Have you got around to mentioning the fact that
her Ranma is a chap, and ours is a girl yet?
Akane: What timing.
COLOGNE: Shampoo, practice your Japanese.
SHAMPOO: Watashi wa otearai no terebi o tabetaidesu.
[Ukyou stares at her blankly.]
Yuu: (Ukyou) But I don't have a washroom television, and you
certainly couldn't eat it if I did.
SHAMPOO: Fluffy pink gerbils I like to polish.
COLOGNE: Shampoo?
SHAMPOO: Yes, great-grandmother?
COLOGNE: Go home and practice your Japanese.
SHAMPOO: Yes, great-grandmother.
[Shampoo leaves.]
Akane: (cheers)
Scott: She'll be back later in the fic.
Akane: (stops cheering)
UKYOU: Ja, whatever you said, it doesn't change the
fact that you think Ranma's a girl, whereas I
know he's a boy.
COLOGNE: But there's one fact that both you and Shampoo
haven't considered.
UKYOU: Oh? And what's that?
Yuu: (Cologne) Ranma likes to cross-dress.
COLOGNE: Less than a day's travel from here is the
legendary training ground called Jhusenkyou.
That place is covered in cursed springs - and
whoever falls in them today is cursed to take on
the form of whoever or whatever drowned in there
to curse the pool centuries ago. One of the
biggest pools in Nyannichuan, where a young girl
drowned about a millennium and a half before
now...if this Ranma is the dedicated martial-
artist you say he is...
[Ukyou snaps her fingers.]
UKYOU: Then he could have fallen in there, and now he's
a girl!
[Cologne nods.]
COLOGNE: Some of the time, anyway. But what to do? If
Ranma is really a man, this changes things for
Shampoo.
UKYOU: It does?
COLOGNE: Yes. You see, for an unprepared woman-to-woman
fight, what Shampoo did is a pledge to
kill...but if she was defeated in combat by a
man...then she must take his hand in marriage!
UKYOU: What? But I'm engaged to Ranma! I've got to
marry him! For my family, for my honour!
COLOGNE: I know...and your claim by far predates
Shampoo's...
Scott: (Cologne) ...So we'll have to kill you. Nothing personal.
[There is a long pause while Cologne thinks,
then:]
COLOGNE [Calls]: Shampoo!
[Shampoo comes running back in.]
SHAMPOO: Yes, great-grandmother?
Yuu: (Cologne) I've decided it's time for lunch. Make some tea,
would you?
COLOGNE: Shampoo, I suggest you practice your Japanese a
lot - you're going to need it where you're
going!
SHAMPOO: Great-grandmother?
Akane: (Shampoo) Shampoo already know how say "great-grandmother"
well. Done it every line for past five pages.
UKYOU: What's going on? What are you saying to her?
[She reaches for a spatula, but Cologne waves
her down.]
COLOGNE: Stay your hand, visitor. I have decided the
perfect solution for both of you.
UKYOU: You have, huh?
COLOGNE: Have respect, child, I could have just saved
both your lives. [Beat] While both of your
claims are valid and honourable, neither of them
state exclusivity. My decision is that you and
Shampoo join forces - and you both marry Saotome
Ranma!
Yuu: Now, why didn't I think of that...
[End flashback.]
14. STAIRWELL.
MIWA: And you did this?
Scott: (Miwa) Well, except for the "marry" part.
UKYOU: Well, I didn't like it at first...
Yuu: (Ukyou) ...But I've learned to love Shampoo.
Akane: No need for Ranma.
Scott: Hey, this's already an alternate reality. Don't being Pioneer
into it, or things'll get really messy.
SHAMPOO: ...but no can argue with great-grandmother!
UKYOU: She's right, you no can. Er, can't.
[Silence. Then Miwa turns to Shampoo.]
MIWA: Well, if you get tired of having someone you
have to share, I'm always around...
[Shampoo growls, and Miwa just manages to duck
aside as a bonbori thumps into the wall behind
where his head was. And just at that point, who
should round the corner but Na-chan.]
NA-CHAN: Oi!!
[All three turn to look at him.]
NA-CHAN: Now, I don't really mind that you girls are out
of uniform, but trying to beat up the class
president, and damaging school walls is too much
even for me to overlook!
[He steps forward, gentle yet scary.]
Akane: Gentle, but scary?
Scott: Sort of like the Stay-Puft marshmallow man...
Yuu: (Namura) Shampoo... are you a god?
NA-CHAN: I think we need to take a trek...to the
Headmaster's office!
15. CORRIDOR.
[Miki, Meiko and Ranma are walking down the
corridor.]
MIKI [Almost-successfully-covered jealousy]: What's with
the 'Ucchan', anyway?
RANMA: I used to call him that. It was like we had pet
names for each other...Ucchan and Ranchan...
Akane: In fact, it was exactly like it, because that was actually the
case.
MIKI [VO]: That's so sweet...
[She catches herself, and the background turns
into a rainbow swirly thing.]
Scott: Miki needs to lay off the acid.
MIKI [VO]: What am I doing? He can't be sweet! He's already
said no to helping me turn our families back to
normal! He's a sign of everything that's wrong
with my life!
[Yes, the crap personality and inability to make
logical connections can be directly and
retrospectively attributed to Ranma.]
Akane: (completely serious) I see nothing wrong with that. Of
-course- it's Ranma's fault.
Scott and Yuu: (sweatdrop)
MEIKO [OOV]: I think I've worked it out.
Scott: Meiko sees all, knows all!
[Miki snaps back to that thing she calls
reality.]
MIKI: Worked what out, Meiko-chan?
Akane: (Meiko) Worked out why you're calling me "Meiko-chan" instead
of just "Meiko" now.
MEIKO: Why Ukyou's a she instead of a he.
Yuu: (Meiko) Because Ukyou is a girl!
Scott and Akane: (gasp)
RANMA: Ja, if he's been tracking me, I suppose he could
have gone to Jusenkyou...
MEIKO: Or...try this, Ranma-kun...have you ever seen a
girl our age, with short hair and wearing the
right clothes, and thought she looked 'boyish'?
RANMA: Yeah, but I don't see where this is going.
[Miki's brain clicks into place.]
MIKI: Wait! I do! So if a really young girl did it...
MEIKO: ...to a really young boy...
RANMA: Are you trying to tell me she's been a girl all
along?
Scott: (Meiko) Yes. Aren't you glad you have me along to point out
the obvious?
MEIKO: It would make sense.
MIKI: Especially if she thinks you're engaged!
RANMA: Y'know, somehow parts of this are starting to
make sense...
16. HEADMASTER'S OFFICE.
[Shampoo and Ukyou are here, right before the
desk. Na-chan and Miwa are also in the room.
Behind the desk is the headmaster: an ex-
military man with a moustache and an English
accent: Brigadier Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-
Stewart. He gets up and goes over to the girls
as if he's inspecting the troops.]
THE BRIGADIER: Now, I was all ready to send letters home
to your parents, but now you tell me that
neither of you actually go to this school! Which
means that not only were you assaulting one of
my students - something I do not take lightly -
but you were also trespassing and vandalising my
school! Can you give me even one good reason why
I shouldn't call the police?
Akane: (Shampoo) Because Shampoo can beat crap out of you with one
hand tied behind Shampoo back?
[Both girls, despite any pluck they might have,
stare at their feet.]
THE BRIGADIER: Hm? Answer me!
UKYOU: [Mumbles something]
THE BRIGADIER: Come again?
Yuu: (Ukyou) I said "Mmm MMMMmmM Mmmmph"
Akane: (Brigadier) Right, jolly good.
SHAMPOO [Sheepish]: It a personal matter.
[The Brigadier softens slightly and allows
himself a smile.]
THE BRIGADIER: Young love, eh?
UKYOU: Sir?
THE BRIGADIER: Oh, I might have a few years under my belt,
but I can still remember what it's like to be
young...the school's certainly insured, and I'm
more than a little familiar with the
impetuousness of youth. [A bit sterner] I think
that if you can assure me I won't see you
trespassing around here again, we might be able
to call it a day.
[He looks over at Miwa, who shrugs: he got to
hit on a pretty Chinese girl, so he's happy.]
Scott: (Miwa) No, really! I'm -not- desperate! Honest!
UKYOU & SHAMPOO: Thank you, sir.
17. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE HEADMASTER'S OFFICE.
[It's this corridor that Miki, Meiko and Ranma
are heading down. Ginta appears at the end of
the corridor, behind them, and quickens his pace
to catch up. The door to the office opens, and
Shampoo and Ukyou shuffle out to see the others.
It takes a moment of recognition of Ranma-kun,
but...]
UKYOU: Ranchan!
SHAMPOO: Wode airen - you come here!
Scott: I see Shampoo's just as bold as ever...
Akane: Don't even -go- there.
Yuu: But Shampoo said to go there...
Akane: (growls)
[Ranma tries to spin for a quick escape, but
gets taken aback by...]
MIKI: Wait! You can't do anything to him!
SHAMPOO: Why wet-look-hair girl say that?
Yuu: (Miki) Because that wouldn't be very nice.
MIKI: Because...han...because...I'm Ranma's real
fiancé!
Akane: That leaves 997 more.
[Now everyone looks surprised. Ginta sees this
from where he is, and snaps.]
GINTA: NOO!!!!
Yuu: (Ginta) -I- wanted to be Ranma's fiance!
[He runs to catch up with everyone.]
Scott: Man, that's a long corridor.
RANMA: What're you doin', Miki?
Akane: (Miki) I'm posing as your fiancee to get them to leave you
alone.
Yuu: (Ukyou) Hey!
Akane: (Miki) Oops, shouldn't have said that out loud...
UKYOU: Nice try, sugar, but we ain't buying it.
[Shampoo brandishes her bonbori.]
SHAMPOO: Should keep out of things that no concern you!
Or could get hurt!
GINTA: Hey! Don't you touch Miki!! [Rounds on Ranma]
And what the hell do you think you're doing??
Akane: (Ranma) Running away from two wuld-be fiancees. Why do you
ask?
RANMA: Me???
[Ukyou spatulas Ginta.]
UKYOU: Don't be rude to my future husband!
[Miwa comes from the office. He turns to
Shampoo.]
MIWA: Still want to marry this guy? I've got a vacancy
for a wife.
Scott: (Miwa) Okay, I'm desperate.
SHAMPOO: Shampoo can tell you which vacancy you can fill!
MIKI: Hey!
Akane: (Shampoo) Is empty hotel owned by Amazon tribe 15 km from
here. You go, yes?
SHAMPOO: Didn't Shampoo tell to be quiet?!
Yuu: (Miwa) No.
Scott: (Shampoo) Shampoo not care. Want excuse to beat up.
Yuu: (Miwa) D'oh!
[Etc, etc...pretty soon there's a full-scale
argument/brawl going on outside the office. No-
one really notices when Na-chan emerges from the
office and leaves. After a moment, Meiko does
too. Then, it's bad news as the next blow
exchanged hits the emerging Brigadier. They
realise his presence, and stop.]
THE BRIGADIER [Slow menace]:You...are...all...on...detention.
UKYOU: But we told you! Shampoo and I don't even go to
this school!
THE BRIGADIER: I DON'T CARE!!!
[Dissolve.]
18. DETENTION ROOM.
[As the Brigadier watches over them, we see
Ginta, Miki, Shampoo, Miwa and Ukyou sitting
sulking at desks. A trip up the back of the room
takes us to Ranma.]
Akane: Hm, Meiko chose a good time to get out of there.
Scott: Meiko sees all, knows... <POUND> urk.
Akane: (holding mallet) We know. We know.
RANMA [VO]: Engagement...what kinda crap is this...I think a
certain father's going to have to explain
himself when I get home...
[We move up to Ginta.]
GINTA [VO]: Damn Saotome...this is all his fault. What's he
want with Miki. I want to hurt him...but
he...and that girl...
[He sighs and slumps his head onto the desk.
Dissolve.]
19. LIVING ROOM.
[We haven't seen the living room of the new
Saotome-Koishikawa house before, but here it is.
We open on Nodoka, Rumi and Jin around the
table. There is an enormous crash, but no-one so
much as looks up. Obviously this kind of thing
happens all the time. We pan across the room to
Ranma angrily walking away from the source of
the noise. Genma the panda is half-buried under
a filing cabinet, holding up a sign that says
'Oh, THAT.']
Yuu: (Genma) On the bright side, he didn't learn about the other 997
yet.
20. ABANDONED SHOP.
[This is evidently the base of operations for
Shampoo and Ukyou. They walk in.]
UKYOU: Shampoo, do you think that that brunette really
is another fiancé of Ranma's.
[Shampoo just turns and looks at her.]
UKYOU: No, I didn't think so either.
Scott: Ukyou has no idea how the Ranmaverse works.
Akane: Well, she's only a character. She doesn't get this
perspective.
SHAMPOO: No worry about her. She no be any threat to us.
We might get setback today, but soon...
Yuu: (Shampoo) The world be ours! No, wait, Shampoo read wrong cue
card.
[They link hands in solidarity.]
SHAMPOO & UKYOU: ...Saotome Ranma will be ours!
Akane: (Shampoo) Shampoo talk much better when in unison.
21. MIKI'S BEDROOM.
[Miki is writing in her diary.]
MIKI [VO]: Maybe Ranma isn't so bad after all...he did try
to stop me getting hurt in the fight...but what
am I to do? If he's around, that means his
parents are around, which means that they're
still going to marry my parents! And I don't
want that! Not at all! It's sick!! Weird!!!
[She goes nuts writing 'hen' over and over again
in her diary.]
22. UPSTAIRS HALL.
[Jin stops Ranma as he walks through.]
JIN: Ranma-kun?
RANMA: Jin-san?
Yuu: (Jin) Just checking.
JIN: Miki's been in her room ever since you came
home. Did something happen at school today?
[Ranma tries to think: after all, this kind of
day isn't so weird for him.]
Scott: I guess some of those fiancees did already show up.
RANMA: Jaaa....
JIN: Maybe you should talk to her about it.
[Rumi mysteriously is suddenly behind him.]
RUMI: We both think it's very important that you get
along!
Akane: (Ranma) You don't own a dojo, by any chance...?
[Ranma almost jumps out of his skin at her
appearance, but calms down and nods.]
Scott: (Ranma) I just can't get used to how ugly Rumi-san is.
RANMA: I guess so...
[Jin and Rumi move on.]
RANMA [VO]: I guess I should thank her for what she did
today...but it was such a dumb thing to do! It
didn't concern her! But Okaasan could be right,
she's a weird, mixed-up kid. That must've been
such a big thing for her... [beat] Does that
mean...? [beat] Oh, this is weird. Maybe I
should just swallow my pride, go in there and
tell her exactly what she did and what it must
have meant. [Beat] Ee, that's it...
Akane: Baka.
[He reaches for the doorknob.]
RANMA [VO]: But then...
23. MIKI'S BEDROOM.
[Miki is lying back on her bed.]
MIKI [VO]: But when Ranma was describing himself and Ukyou
as kids...when they were Ranchan and Ucchan...I
almost felt like...like I was missing out on
something...
[A knock on the door.]
MIKI: Un?
[The door opens, and Ranma enters.]
RANMA [VO]: Get on with it, Saotome! Just tell her exactly
what you were thinking. She's only the girl who
lives with you - it's not like she's some insane
martial-arts toilet-cleaner out for your blood
or anything... Thank her for today, even if it
didn't do anything! Jeez, self! Just tell her
the full story!
RANMA: Uh...thanks.
Akane: Ranma thanked someone? Of his own free will?
Yuu: With only a little pushing?
Scott: Now we know this is an alternate reality. (grins)
[He retreats, and closes the door. Miki leans
back on the bed, a slight smile on her face.]
MIKI [VO]: Poor boy...I already know what he's like...that
must've been so hard for him.
Yuu: o/~ Getting to know you... getting to know all about you...
Scott: Omniscience is contagious. Miki's catching it from Meiko.
[She smiles a bit more. Fade out.]
[Scott fastforwards through the end credits, and part of the author's
notes.]
As for the Brigadier from Doctor Who being the headmaster,
well...at the point of Marmalade Boy I've seen up to, the
principal of the school is yet to receive a name.
Scott: Ah, that explains a lot. The author hasn't seen all of
Marmalade Boy.
Yuu: I'd guess the first 16 or 20 episodes at most, judging by how
some of the characters are acting. Especially Miwa.
Akane: And then there's Meiko, who-- (glares at Scott)
Scott: (about to say something, but closes his mouth)
Akane: --as -someone- keeps reminding us, is too confident and far too
knowledgable compared to her MB self. Hopefully she'll develop a bit
more.
Scott: Character behavior and weird accents aside, though, this is a
pretty promising series.
Yuu: Especially considering the lack of fanfics involving MB. Even
if I'm not in them.
Scott: I still think the idea is twisted, and I still like it... the
characterization is the only negative criticism I have. It was more
noticable in this chapter than the first, maybe because Meiko and Miwa
played such large roles.
Akane: The author definitely should watch more Marmalade Boy.
Scott: Right, then, we're finished.
[He aims the remote at the camera, and pushes a button. All goes
dark.]
Scott Schimmel http://www.seas.upenn.edu/~schimmel/
Ex ignorantia ad sapientium; "You really aren't normal, are you?"
ex luce ad tenebras. -- Miki Koishikawa