Hikaru: We're reviewing a *TENCHI* fic now?

Lurker: <nod> I'm as surprised as you are. But hey, it happens. 

Hikaru: Next thing you know, we'll be reviewing that "Hellraisers" thing...

Lurker: <turns green> I'd rather not view it in the first place, thank
you...

TM and all characters owned by Hiroki Hayashi and Masaki Kajishima.  Sue
some of the better writers, leave ME alone.

<Lurker rapid-fires tennis balls off god-boy's head>

Hikaru: Since when is Chris-kun "god-boy"?

Lurker: <g> Since now.

[Scene opens on a typical breakfast at the Masaki residence.  Washu is
attempting to explain something to Mihoshi (she's a glutton for

punishment,

maybe?).  Aeka and Ryoko are arguing.  Tenchi's father is mysteriously
absent.  Sasami is serving food.  Ryo-Ohki is gorging on a carrot. 

Tenchi

is studiouly trying to ignore everyone.

Lurker: Ryo-Ohki is on an engorged carrot!? O_o

Hikaru: Baka hentai!!!! Ryo-Ohki is eating a carrot!

Lurker: ....oh.

Aeka: A noble's ship?  Why would one of those be here?

Lurker: Slumming?

[Her musings are brought to a halt as the boy walks up and bows to

Tenchi. 

He's appears to be about 12 or 13, with an open face that is obviously
going to be handsome.  Right now, he's mostly cute.  He hasn't reached

his

growth spurt yet.  His hair is a bright neon green, and is pulled back

from

his face to be tied down his back in a thick braid that reaches his

behind.

Lurker: <nervous> that kid looks *way* too much like Susa no ou...

Hikaru: <shakes her head> His hair looks like a demented cabbage. Besides,
this kid doesn't have a mitama on his forehead.

Lurker: <visibly relaxes>

[The boy is suprised, and pulls a photo out of his pocket.  He looks at

the

photo, then looks at Washu.  He repeats this several times, growing more
and more confused.]

Lurker: <snicker>

Boy: [verge of tears] But...but...you CAN'T be!  [Shows her the picture,
it's a faded and worn picture of her face in her older form.  Washu looks
at it for a second.  Next thing we see, she's in her adult form.  Her

very

buxom adult form.  Her...oh forget it, let's just say Washu can be pretty
damn hot when she wants to.]

Hikaru: God-boy no hentai!

Lurker: <snicker>

Washu: [looks down at the boy, his eye level is about 6 inches below her
bust] Is this better?

Hikaru: Lurker-kun....

Lurker: <sigh> I know. One word and you'll disembowel me.

Hikaru: <sweetly> Hai!

Boy: [awestruck, takes a step back, then hugs her tightly]  Grandma!

Collective: [facefault] GRANDMA?!

Lurker: Whoa! 

Hikaru: It was bound to happen sooner or later...

[Washu ignores him, takes the gun-like device to another table, where she
removes a small container from it and places it in another machine. 
Washu's usual screen and keyboard aparatus appears, and she types

furiously

on it for a few moments, then sighs.]

Washu: He's definitely a descendant of mine.

Lurker: I hope for everyone's sake he's not Ryouko's kid...

Aeka: How do you know for sure, Miss Washu?

[Washu brightens and gives Aeka an 'I was hoping you'd ask that' look. 
Another screen appears, much bigger than the others.  On it, the double
helix of a DNA fragment is displayed.  A short portion of the segment is
high-lighted.]

Washu: I changed my DNA so all of my descendants would have THAT

sequence.

[She punches a few keys, and the word 'DECODING' appears over the

display. 

Under the high-lighted fragment, text appears.]

Tenchi: [reading] 'Washu was here.'

Lurker: O_O <snort> <chuckle> <guffaw> <belly laugh>

Hikaru: <laughing> Appropriate.

Lurker: Very appropriate.

Aeka: [shocked] Miss Washu!  How could you do something like that?

Washu: [shrugging]  I was bored, I had access to a DNA re-sequencer, I

was

drunk, it seemed like a good idea at the time.  [Moves to release the

boy.]

Lurker: Sounds like good enough reasons to me...

 So it's official, you're my descendant, at least.  [She pauses.] What's
your name?

Boy: Ichi, ma'am, pleased to meet you.

Lurker: So that explains the title...

Hikaru: Unless it has a double meaning.

Washu: [beaming at him]  Such a polite boy!  So why are you here, Ichi?

Ichi: [walks over to his vest, pulls out a data-cube he gives to Washu.] 

I

am the final product of your experiment, ma'am.

[The others facefault, Washu looks confused. Fadeout.]

Lurker: He's one of Washuu's alright.

Hikaru: Yep.

[Her continued exposition is cut off by another sonic boom, and a loud
voice.]

Voice: ICHI!!!!!!

Lurker: Uh-oh. The "Voice".

Ichi: Excuse me, be right back.  [Starts mumbling under his breath.]
<grumble> <mutter> Jurians <mutter> <grumble>

Lurker: Ain't it though.

Tenchi: [eyes wide] Marry...

Aeka: [same expression] ...his sister?

Lurker: Uh-oh...

[The glow starts to subside, and then lances out to near Ichi's feet. 
Everyone jumps, Mihoshi shrieks.  A bright flash is seen.  At Ichi's

feet,

exactly one board is vaporized.]

Lurker: <snicker>

Ichi: [Furious.]  YOU JERK!  [Holds up one arm and points it at the ship,
puts his other hand on his arm to support it like a gun.]  LEAVE.  [His

arm

jerks, and a red force bolt flies past the ship.] ME. [Another, the bolt
flies closer.] ALONE! [The third bolt hits the ship, doing no damage but
rocking it slightly.  The ship starts to fly away, chased by Ichi's force
bolts.]

Hikaru, Lurker: O_O

[The spectators focus their attention back on Ichi.  His arm is still
pointed at where the ship disappeared, the shirt burned away up to his
shoulder.  His arm is smoking.]

Ichi: [disgusted] Jurians!  For Heaven's sake!

Lurker: Uhh..yeah....

[fadein on the living room again.  Ichi hands his shirt to Washu, who

dumps

it in one of her hyperspatial holes, and pulls a replacement out of
another.  Ichi watches this, eyes wide.]

Ichi: [putting the shirt on] How do you do that?

Washu: [smug] They don't call me the Number One Genius Scientist in the
Universe for nothing!

Ryoko: [barely audible] The only person who calls you that is you.  [A
small statue appears out of a hyperspatial hole above her head and lands

on

her.]

Washu: Be nice to your mother.

Lurker: <snicker>

[Ichi looks at Ryoko and then at Washu.  He's very confused.]

Ichi: Grandma, she's your daughter?  Does that mean she's my-

Washu: She's your Aunt Ryoko.

Lurker: WHEW!!!!! 

Hikaru: Ditto...

[Ichi stands, walks over to Ryoko, and gives her a big hug.]

Ichi: Hi Auntie Ryoko!

[Ryoko turns a bit red herself - she's not good at innocent displays of
affection.  She's very stiff.  Aeka and Mihoshi giggle at her
embarassment.]

Ryoko: [Stuttering, pats him on the shoulder]  H-hi, Ichi.

Lurker: <snicker> Awww, iddn't dat keeeee-yeeeewt....

Hikaru: <giggle>

Aeka: [trying to hold in a giggle] How cute.  [Smiles innocently into
Ryoko's deadly gaze.]  Ichi, could you please explain what was going on
with that ship?

[Ichi turns to her, and his eyes suddenly widen as he notices something. 
He yelps and tries to hide behind Ryoko.]

Ichi: You're Jurian!

Aeka: [confused and irritated] Why yes, I am.

Ichi: Jurians are evil!  

Lurker: ROFLMAO!!!!!

Hikaru: <giggle>

[Ryoko barks with laughter.  This time Aeka's
giving the deadly gaze while Ryoko's trying to look innocent.]  They keep
on trying to make me marry them!

Lurker: Sounds like Amazons to me...

Washu: Whatever the reason, according to this, he's also Ichi's ancestor.

So Ichi is really...

Aeka: [breathy voice] Another Jurian prince, so any noble house marrying
him would automatically be a royal house.

Lurker: Great. Someone's genetics experiment ends up the focus of
heirarchial politics...

Hikaru: Is heirarchial the right word?

Lurker: I think so. I could be wrong. It's late.

Ichi: [wide eyed, like a kid who's discovered he's really rich]  I'm a
prince?  NEAT!  [scowls]  I still don't want to marry anyone.  It wasn't
nice of them to keep on bugging me.

Lurker: Talk about mood swings...

[Sasami chooses this as a moment to introduce herself.  Walks up to Ichi,
who's still watching Aeka warily, and doesn't notice her.]

Sasami: [cheerful, trying to be friendly] Hi!  I'm Sasami, you want to be
friends?

[Ichi turns to look at her, and suddenly starts to blush.  It takes him a
few moments to work out words.]

Ichi: [stuttering] S-sure.

Lurker: <raises an eyebrow> Oh-ho...

Hikaru: Omoshiroi...

[Ichi resists for a moment, giving Washu a helpless look.  She nods
slightly, and he lets Sasami drag him off.  Everyone watches the two
disappear.  Ryoko and Aeka have toughtful looks on their faces.]

Ryoko: He's the right age for her...

Aeka: ...and he's a prince...

Washu: [threatening tone] Don't go there, girls.

Lurker: <snicker>

Hikaru: Awww! Party pooper...

[Ryoko and Aeka look startled and give Washu a guilty look, blushing]

Aeka: Why...I...I would never...excuse me!  [Runs out of the house.]

Ryoko: It...it was just a thought...gotta go! [Exits]

Lurker: <guffaw>

[Cut to a shadow-shrouded doorway.  Yosho's face comes into the light.]

Yosho: [thought] Hmm...trouble.

Lurker: Eeesh.

Tenchi's door glows and silently slides open, revealing Tsunami.  She
floats over to Ichi and places her forehead to his.  After a moment, she
smiles, and fades out of view.

Lurker: O_O

Hikaru: Don't see *that* everyday...

The scene switches to Washu's lab.  She is working at her terminal, the
display showing elements of Ichi's DNA and numerous numbers relating to

it.

 Every so often she maskes a "hmm" noise and types something into another
terminal.]

Washu: Did you like what you found, Tsunami?

Lurker: Heh. Busted.

[Tsunami is standing a few steps behind Washu, looking a bit embarrased.]

Tsunami: I apologise, Washu.  I had to know.  He is one of the Jurian

royal

family, and therefore, one of my charges.

Lurker: Uh-huh.

Washu: [turns to face Tsunami, crosses her arms over her chest] And?

Tsunami: [smiles]  I am reminded of another boy.

Washu: [eyes narrowing] He is not like Tenchi!

Lurker: I hope not!

Tsunami: In ability, no.  In heart, yes.  He is innocent, Washu, and
compassionate.

Washu: [dryly] And the fact that he's attracted to Sasami has nothing to

do

with it.

Lurker: <snicker>

Tsunami: [blushes a bit] Washu!  They are children!

Washu:  [stares at Tsunami for a moment, then turns back to her terminal]
Don't hurt him, Tsunami.

Lurker: This is getting really interesting.

Ichi: Pleased to meet you, sir.

Washu: That's your cousin Yosho.

[Yosho feigns a look of suprise, Ichi looks irritated and confused.]

Ichi: Is there anyone in this house I'm not related to?

Washu: So far, Mihoshi and Ryo-ohki.

Lurker: You sure he's not related to Ryo-ohki?

Ryoko: Well, I'm off to see my Tenchi.  [Flies out the door.]

Aeka: [growling]  He is NOT your Tenchi, he's MY Tenchi!  [chases after
her]

Mihoshi: [stands, chases after them] Oh, please don't fight!

Lurker: That's kinda like asking the sun not to bake people with
ultraviolet radiation...

[Ichi watches them in shock.  Washu puts her hand to her head like she

has

a headache, Sasami just has a pained expression.]

Ichi: Do they do that a lot?

Sasami: [sighs, starts to collect dishes]  Yes.

Lurker: More than Ranma's fiancees even.

Yosho: My grandson is very popular with the girls.

[Ichi goes to the door, to watch the carnage.  After a moment Washu and
Yosho follow him.

Lurker: Hey, look at it this way. It's cheaper than television.

Hikaru: Except for the ensuing property damage...

[Ichi ignores her, and holds the log in both hands in front of him.  He
stands very still for a moment, and then the log appears to sink into his
chest.]

Lurker: Whoa.

[The formerly fighting girls watch as Ichi flys above them, doing
sommersaults and twists in the air.]

Washu: [typing away at a terminal]  An Arcian lazer wire, a Norelian

flight

crystal, hmm... I wonder what else he's absorbed?

Ryoko: [walking up to Washu]  Washu, what the hell was that?

Aeka: Yes, is there an explanation for this?

Washu: Of course.  My boy's an absorber.  He can assimilate with simple

Lurker: Toss out the "with". Should read "He can assimilate simple
artifacts".

artifacts and use them as part of his body. [Frowns, types away at the
terminal]  Hmm...no, I think the sword would reject him, it's attuned
itself to Tenchi...I wonder about Ryoko's crystals...he's shown he can
assimilate a Jurian force field generator...Ryoko!  Catch him!

Lurker: Eh?

[Looking up, they see Ichi plummeting out of the sky.  Mihoshi screams,
Ryoko disappears and reappears under the boy, catching him.  She flies

down

and goes into the house, laying Ichi out on the couch.  He's extremely
pale.  Washu runs up and starts typing at a terminal.  A small gun-like
device appears out of a hyperspatial hole.  Washu grabs it and puts it to
Ichi's arm.  Color starts to return to his face.]

Washu: [sighs in relief] You stupid, stupid boy.

Lurker, Hikaru: <blink?>

Washu: He has the abilities of the objects he's assimilated, but he

doesn't

have the power to use them fully.  He ran out of energy and started to

use

his own life force.

Lurker: Makes sense.

Mihoshi:  Oh, so it's like when Tenchi's walkman runs out of batteries!

[Washu gives her a suspicious look.]

Washu: Why yes, Mihoshi, it is.

Lurker: <boggle> Mihoshi *understood* something?

Hikaru: I hope Satan has enough blankets...it's going to be cold down there
tonight...

Washu: [impish grin]  Yes, you are.  Stops in front of Asuza.  This is

your

Lurker: Needs action brackets around <stops in front of Azusa>.

[Scene switch to Masaki living room.  Washu has a HUGE screen from one of
her terminals, and there's a rather large family tree on it.  Misaki's

eyes

are glazed with misunderstanding, Funaho is listening intently, Azusa is
chuckling.  Through a window, we see Sasami, Ichi, and Ryo-ohki playing
tag.]

Lurker: They have their priorities straight!

Hikaru: <giggle>

Ichi: He took Sasami...Nibun, I'LL KILL YOU!

Lurker: <piku> HALF!? Where'd this one come from?

Ichi: My half-brother Nibun.  He disappeared when I was just a kid, about

Lurker: Ah, that explains that...

300 years ago.  I don't know why he did this, but that was his ship, the
Aquarius.

Lurker: <sings> This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius...age of
Aquarius....

Nibun: Ah, Ichi, you've gone up in the world, consorting with royalty I
see.  [Nods to Azusa.] Your Majesty, I would advise you do not fire upon

my

ship, otherwise I can not be held what happens to your daughter.

Lurker: "held responsible for what happens"

Ryoko: Hey, kid!  [Ichi turns.  She concentrates and her crystal appears

in

her hand, and she tosses it to him.]  Now you won't run out of juice.

[Ichi looks at the crystal, and closes his eyes.  The crystal disappears
and reappears in his forehead.  His adult forehead.  Ichi is now a tall,
handsome young man.]

Lurker: Talk about *juice*...

Hikaru: What's that, 10000% Vitamin C?

Nibun: [laugs bitterly]  You don't know?  You don't know the hell I've

gone

through!  My entire life I've been told I'm a failure.  Even my name,

which

means 'two'.  I had to spent my entire life hearing about 'perfect Ichi',

Lurker: Actually, his name means "half"...

Hikaru: <nods> If you intend his name to mean "second", it should be
"Niban".

Nibun: NO!  You can't beat me!  You can't!  I refuse to lose!  I'll show
you who's better!  I'll destroy this whole ship!

[Nibun throws his head back, and lightning starts to crackle around him. 
Cut to the outside of the ship, where a black hole starts to appear.

Lurker: Call me crazy, but isn't that overkill?

[On the screen, things close up to the center of the wings.  We see

Tenchi,

Sasami, Ryo-ohki and Ichi.  Ichi is conscious, and his holding the
unconscious Sasami in his arms.  He looks around, and lays Sasami down. 

He

then dives out of the Wings, flying toward the black hole.]

Ryoko: What the hell is he doing?

Washu: Something very dangerous.

Lurker: <groan>

[The black hole expands suddenly, then shrinks slowly.  Just as it's

about

to disappear, there's a burst of light, and it is gone, leaving an
unconscious Ichi (child form) floating in it's wake.]

Washu: [Cheering] YES!  He assimilated it!

Lurker: O_O

Aeka: He assimilated a black hole?  How is that possible?

Washu: Ichi is MY grandson, of course.

Lurker, Hikaru: <facefault>

Ichi:  Uncle Azusa?

Azusa: Yes?

Ichi: Are you going to take Sasami away?

Azusa: [looks with amusement at Sasami, who is making her teary eyed
goodbye to her mother, but watching them closely.]  No, Ichi, I'm not.

Ichi: [cheers]  Yay!  [Implusively hugs him, then runs over to Sasami.] 
You're get to stay!  [Sasami hugs him, and he turns red until she lets

him

go.]  I'm going to go tell Grandma!  [Runs off]

Lurker: <grin>

Azusa: [to Misaki]  You're right, he is a good boy.  I like him.

Funaho: Not that you had much choice.

Lurker: <snicker>

Azusa: [sigh of great suffering] Just once, I'd like my family to treat

me

with the respect an Emperor of Jurai deserves.  [Misaki rolls her eyes,

and

Funaho smiles lightly.]

Funaho: When are you going to tell Tenchi that as a Jurian prince, he can
have as many wives as he likes? 

Azusa: [feral grin] He has to suffer just a little bit more...

Lurker: <facefault>

Hikaru: <snicker>

Lurker: Great fic, god-boy. <Lurker and Hikaru fade out of view>

--------------------------------------------------------------------
Lurker's Tip for Fanfic Enjoyment #1:

The Cosmo Canyon music from Final Fantasy 7 
makes *great* background music for fanfic reading.

The Eternal Lost Lurker
EternalLostLurker@worldnet.att.net

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