A note before I begin, this review is NOT part of the Comment Patrol. It
has not been requested by the author and it would not qualify, because it
is a crossover into series that I do not cover.
I appreciate you reviewing it, though. You've always been my my most
scathing critic. (So why do I appreciate it? I dunno--maybe I'm a
massochist. ^^;; )
(My interest in DC Comics
is very slight. I have not seen all of Louis&Clark, the new Batman
movies, or either animated series, but I have seen much more of this
material that I've seen V'ger: the next degeneration.)
Hehe. I haven't watched any of these, either. I just read the comics. ^^
I have commented on this fanfic before this latest revision and in general
have liked it, even if I've disagreed with some of the points.
Thank you.
Let's see what's changed.
Tales of Graviton City
Author's Foreword
Sometimes I thought I would never complete this book. Endless research of
news items, interviews with all the participants (some of whom were
damned difficult to find!),
Oh, it's a meta-author wrapper. I really do worry when I see these,
because it's generally followed by very poor viewpoint handling, but maybe
this comment will simply be ignored later on.
Hmmmm...you never did comment on my viewpoint handling later in here.
{[Editor's note from the original draft]}
Hmmm....
This is supposed to be a gag to break up the seriousness of the 'Author's
Notes'. Whether it works or not, well, that's for the reader to decide.
Superboy yawned, his red-gloved hand moving listlessly to cover his mouth.
"Man, how did I let 'em talk me into pulling guard duty again?" he muttered
rhetorically to himself. His eyes slid over to view the artifact encased
within
the confines of the display case, his lip curling in a grimace.
Let's see the redundancies here: yawned and listlessly, yawn and mouth,
the guesture and the expression that follows. muttered and the comment
itself, rhetorically and the comment, eyes slid and view, encased within
and display case, lip and grimace.
That's eight right?
About the only I can totally agree with is the 'eyes slid and view' one
you pointed out. As for the rest, some might call it emphasis--Superboy is
*really* bored.
'encased within and display case': How else am I supposed to indicate
the book's position relative to the case? It's not sitting on top of it, or
underneath it--it's inside it.
"Your track record as a guard hasn't been very good, at all."
So why was he volunteered again?
He's shown improvement elsewhere since that time, and he's the only
superhero available in Hawaii.
Things such as a beautiful woman in a short skirt passing by him.
Are you sure this isn't a Urusei Yatsura crossover?
Hehehehe. No, Superboy is not Ataru, though he shares that notable's eye
for the ladies. Superboy's less obnoxious about it, though. ^^
with that surrealistic timbre reserved for
evil supernatural creatures.
Eyes front and stop talking to the audience.
Ano...that wasn't dialogue--that was the 'narrator', for lack of a better
term. Who else is the narrator supposed to talk to? The characters?
Miko: Why not? Some of us are witty conversationalists. :P
But ToGC isn't a 'breaking the fourth wall' story....
Olkon's fist struck hard into
his stomach.
Your description above did not include hands.
Point made. I guess I figured they were there by default. I'll see
about udgrading Olkon's desc.
"*Weekend*!" yelled C-ko happily, bounding down the front steps to Graviton
High School for Girls.
This sentence can be shortened and strengthened. For instance is she on
her way TOWARDS the school here? (Which meaning of "to" did you intend?)
The steps lead up to the school; C-ko was bounding down them, away from
the school. I'll work on that, too.
What do you want to do, A-ko?
Usually she is too afraid to ask this question. It's much safer to take
the initiative and drag A-ko along then give A-ko a chance to come up with
something unfun.
Maybe she wanted to provide A-ko at least the illusion of having a choice
in the matter? You'll note A-ko hadn't been considering plans for the
weekend, being so used to being dragged along on C-ko's schemes. ^^
The short bundle of enthu-
siastic energy adopted a look of intense concentration
I don't think you really meant to use the concentrated bundle of energy
mixed metaphor here.
C-ko was concentrating her thoughts, not her energy. Now *there's* a
scary thought--a C-ko with ki abilities....
C-koH: A-hem...
Oh, yeah....I already have one of those....hehehe ^^;;
Or, more likely, pushing it off until
Sunday and reading manga instead.
Wouldn't it be more correct to say looking at manga?
My version of C-ko has the mentality of a 10-year-old, and 10-year-olds
*can* read. I'm not saying she can read very well, but surely she can
handle the occasional manga.
if I may be permitted to put on airs
You may not, stop this meta-author silliness right now before The Colonel
notices and switches the skit to something entirely different.
I'm not familiar with this 'Colonel' person, but if he tries to switch my
story to something entirely different, he'll have a few problems with the
characters, who have a penchant for violence when people mess them up...
Miko: Okay, that's one vote against the silly JY stuff...
JY: Who the f***'s calling me silly?!
A-ko (points to H.Cobb): Him.
JY: Is that so?!
Rebuttal?
JY: H***, yeah, I do! (blasts H.Cobb with a close-range,
megaphone-enhanced stream of creative obscenities until the Cobb-unit is
bleeding from both ears)
Er, thank you, JY...that was extremely--
Miko (flattening JY with a huge mallet <WHAM!> ): --immature.
Henry J. Cobb hcobb@slip.net http://www.io.com/~hcobb
I'm getting the strangest feeling to do the "two-character" MSTing.
How about Monty Python's Colonel reads the fics to C-ko? ;-)
********************************************************
* Kent Magami and David Outram (kmagami@hsonline.net) *
* Second Deacon of Ryoga, Tracker of the Wandering One *
* Co-founder and High Priest of the Holy Order of A-ko *
* Motto: You can *never* have enough C-kos! *
********************************************************
* One month after B-ko hypnotized C-ko... *
* *
* C-ko: Hi, B-ko! What're we gonna do tonight? *
* B-ko: The same thing we do every night, C-ko-- *
* try to destroy A-ko! *
* C-ko: Waiwai!!!! *
* *
* o/~ One of them's an airhead; the other one's *
* insane! It's C-ko and the Brain! o/~ *
********************************************************