otakunxs@bellsouth.net wrote:
ARRGGHH!!! Someone beat me to the Ranma/South Park X-over!!! Still, it
IS kinda short. No appearnce by Kyle or the chef...
you asked for it...
I guess that means I have
to wait to post my take on the genetist episode, also known as An
Elephant Makes Love to a Pig... A Tarou Minatour Makes Love to a P-chan.
eek. well, i won't say you didn't warn me...
Seriously, though, somebody had to do it. And hey, it could have been
worse. It could have been <shudder> a Lemon.
<polite cough> heh-he <scratches back of head while looking embarrased
while the FFML big sweats>
Happosai/Genetist/Brando: And here is a monkey with four breasts... and
here is a Panda with four breasts... and a mongoose with four...
and Andrew Huang thinks _I'M_ weird?
oh well, I suppose he's right. ^_^;
and South Park is _supposed_ to be scary. And it succeeds. Rather sublimely,
I might add...
and now, with much wincing by the author, the second installment
(even though we all did pray it would never come) of this ill-fated
crossover...
South Park/Ranma 1/2 2: An Elephant Does NOT Make Love to a Pig
Note: all Ranma 1/2 characters are chibi & super-deformed.
All animation is endearingly slower, jerkier, and computer generated.
Comedy Central Announcer: Meet Mousse, the smart one.
We see SD Mousse talking to SD Ryouga.
SD Mousse: Ryouga, you've got such a f***ed up sense of direction, that
when people meet you, they say "GodDAMN!!! What a f***ed up sense of
direction!"
-Flashback
SD Ryouga: Furinkan Koko wa doko da?
Stranger: (with Australian accent) Where?! GodDAMN!!! What a f***ed up
sense of direction!
Ryouga: Hey!
- end Flashback
Announcer: Mousse lives in South Park.
-----
We see SD Ranma, Ryouga, Mousse, and Ukyou standing in the snow.
Ryouga: Come on Ranma! If you agree to be our science project, Miss Hinako's
_sure_ to give us an A!
Ranma: What?! How come it's gotta be me?! Why don't _you_ be our science
project, you stupid pig?! (splashes Ryouga)
P-chan: BWEE!!!
Kunou walks up.
Kunou: Bah! Turning your classmate into a swine! What a pathetic attempt
for a science project!
Ranma: Oh yeah? How many people you know can turn a guy into a pig?
I bet we get a better grade than _you_!
Kunou: Really? I accept your challenge, then. I'm sure a mere pig is no
match for
my...KILLER SENTIENT PLANT!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! (Kunou leaves the frame,
lightning flashing dramatically in his wake.)
Ukyou: mmm ruuu mmmmph!!!
Ranma: Aw, don't worry about it, Ucchan! We've already _got_ P-chan, but I
doubt he can really come up with a killer plant by Friday.
Mousse: (dubiously) I guess so...
P-chan: (angrily) BWEE BWEE BUKEE BWEE!!!
-----
Ranma, Ryouga, Mousse, and Ukyou are on line in the cafeteria.
Chef: And how are we today, children?
Ranma: I don't know, Chef. We made a bet that we'd get a better grade than
Kunou on our science project.
Chef: Well, that shouldn't be so hard. That boy is a damn fool.
Mousse: Yeah, but his _sister_ isn't dumb. And I'm sure _she's_ the one who's
really making that killer sentient plant.
Chef: Hmm. And what is _your_ project going to be?
Ranma: Can I have a glass of water, Chef? (Chef gives him one) It's this!
(Ranma douses Ryouga, instant P-chan)
Chef: Well now, that really is something. But I don't know if it'll stand up
to a killer sentient plant.
Kodachi: (appearing out of nowhere) OHOHOHOHOHO!!!!! You've got that right!
Your little pig is no match for my Audrey 2!!! (She pulls out the Audrey 2,
a typical Little Shop of Horrors plant, only with thorns and black petals)
Chef: Hey, you're that crazy cracker from up on the hill, with all that
genetic engineering stuff!
Kodachi: If breeding killer sentient plants spliced with humans is crazy...uh...
(there is a long moment of silence as everyone waits tensely)
um...never mind.
Audrey 2: (leaning hungrily toward P-chan) FEED ME!
P-chan: (shaking head and trembling with fear) BWEE BWEE!!!
Kodachi: OHOHOHOHOHO!!!!!! By Friday, my little Audrey 2 will be all grown up,
and ready to win first prize in that science contest, OR ELSE!!! (laughs
insanely and leaps away)
Mousse: Oh my God! We can't let it eat P-chan! - He's my bunkmate during
summer camp! Chef! What'll we do?
Chef: Hm. I don't know, children. Let's think: what would Brian Boitano do?
Brian Boitano: Did somebody call my name?
Ranma: Wow! It's Brian Boitano!
Mousse: What incredible irony.
Ukyou: mmmmph! mmmmph!
Ranma: Brian, we've got to stop that killer sentient plant, or Kodachi will
take over the entire science fair...perhaps even the world!
Brian Boitano: Kids, killer sentient plants have feelings too. You should
all try
to talk this over, and make an effort to be friends. We've got to
realize that
we're _all_ part of nature, whether we're humans, piglets, or killer
sentient
plants. We all share the same planet. Let's work together to make it
a pleasant place to live. Bye! (skates off)
Ranma: (dumping hot water on P-chan) You know something, he's right.
Chef: Of course he is, children. It's all about not hurting people. It's all
about love. Love...like when you're having sex with a beautiful woman,
you don't want to hurt her, no way. Well, maybe sometimes you want to be
a little bit rough...
Ranma: Hey, Chef?
Chef: - but you've got to - oh - you've got to _hold her_, you've got to
_caress_ her sweet body like a - like a - (music starts)
Ranma: Chef!
Chef: (jiving) Ooooooooh! Sweet love...it's only nature's way...like when
that male
honeybee...brushes up against that...beautiful flower...oh! what i'd
like to do -
Ranma: _CHEF!!!!!_ (music stops)
Chef: Oh. Ah, sorry about that, children.
Ukyou: mmmphle grmmmphl ummph!
Ranma: Ucchan's right, dudes. We gotta go to the Kunou mansion and make peace
with Kodachi and her killer sentient plant!
Ryouga: Aw, you're all a bunch of tree-hugging hippies!!!
Mousse: I can't believe it. We actually met...we actually spoke to...
THE Brian Boitano.
-----
The Kunou estate greenhouse/laboratory. There are many tanks and strange
looking machines. Almost all of them contain some type of killer plant. All
of the plants are moving around and making noise. Some of them are squealing,
snarling, or roaring like caged animals. Audrey 2, who, we see, has grown to an
enormous size, is singing as Kunou and Kodachi watch with delight.
Audrey 2: Feed me 'dachi, feed me all night long!
Kodachi: OHOHOHOHOHO!!!! Of course, of course, my little science project!
Here's some fresh alligator meat!
Kunou: It's perfect, sister!
Kodachi: Why, thank you, brother dear! (she notices Audrey 2 sniffing morosely
at it's dinner) What's the matter? The meat's not killed freshly
enough for
you?
Audrey 2: Uh...no, it's not that. I...I think there's been some mistake.
You see...I'm a vegetarian.
Kodachi: WHAT?! A vegetarian?! What kind of killer sentient plant are you?!
Audrey 2: But I'm not a killer sentient plant! I'm a kinder, gentler, more
politically correct sentient plant!
Kodachi: (eyes widen in shock and horror) Oh, my God! What have I done? Now
I'm going to have to burn down the room!
Kunou: But, Kodachi! I wanna killer sentient plant!!!
(Enter Ranma, Ryouga, Mousse, and Ukyou)
Ranma: There you are!
Kunou: What are _you_ doing here, Saotome?
Ranma: (turns toward Kodachi and Audrey 2) We just came to apologize. Science
shouldn't be like a competitive sport. We should use it to learn more
about
ourselves and our environment, so we can achieve harmony with the
fragile planet we live on. (holds out a hand) Friends?
Audrey 2: Peace, my non-gender-specific planetory neighbor!
Kodachi: (shaking with anger) AAAAAUUUUUUUDREEEEEEEEYYYYYYY!!!!!!!! I order
you to attack, or else I'll thow you to the petunias!!!!!
Audrey 2: eep! (rears up head and attacks resignedly, sending out many vines
and tendrils, finally managing to decapitate Ukyou)
Ranma: Oh my God! They killed Ucchan! You bastards!!! (he turns on the Kunou
siblings and the rampaging plant) mouko TAKABISHA!!!!!!!!
For the next shot, we get the external view of the Kunou estate as it explodes.
-----
The classroom on the day of the science fair.
Hinako-sensei (child): And let's all give a big hand for Hikaru Gosunkugi
and his model of the human anatomy! (there is a smattering of halfhearted
applause for the voodoo dolls) Next! Kunou-san!
Kunou: Hinako-sensei. Fellow students. I would like to introduce to you a
creation far superior to man. I present: The Poetry Reciting Sentient
Plant!
Class: Oooh!
PRSP: (in dull monotone) Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art
more lovely and more temperate...
Hinako-sensei: (to puppet) Oh, Mr. Hat, isn't it beautiful?
Ranma: Hinako-sensei! Hinako-sensei! Our science project is much better than
that!
Hinako-sensei: Oh GOODY! I wanna see!!!
Ranma: We were able to find a way (dramatic pause) to turn Ryouga
(even more dramatic pause) into a pig!!! *SPLASH!*
P-chan: (angrily shaking his hoof) BWEEE!!!! BWEEE!!!!
Hinako-sensei: (eyes get very large and sparkly) Oh!!! Kawaii little piglet!!!
A present for me, ne? (picks up P-chan and cuddles him) Arigatou,
Saotome-san!!! You win first place!!!
Ranma: (bigsweats) Anou...
P-chan: BWEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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notes: to otakunxs@bellsouth.net...i'm sorry. i really _was_ thinking about
doing this before i read your posting. yours can be the lemon version,
okay? with Happosai...
oh, and i know it's a bit of a stretch, making Mousse into the "smart" one.
But when you think about it, Kyle isn't that smart either.
okay, okay. so it was a bad idea. i know it, you know it...look, just stone
me already and get it over with, okay? ^_^;
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this is not a conclusion, and no revolution, just a little confusion,
where your head...has...been...
- tori amos, ode to the banana king (pt. 1)
We're human; we're amnesia machines.
- douglas coupland, Microserfs
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