Well, this took a long time, but here it finally is. Many thanks to my
prereaders, especially Nick, who helped me work out some of the stickier
points (one of the scenes was re-written four times before I was happy
with it). Thanks all of you who have commented and encouraged me to
continue work on this series.
The first part, by the way, went to RAAC today. Chapter 2 should hit
sometime next week, I hope, and chapter three shortly thereafter. I
will start work on chapter five this weekend, and hope to have it ready
for FFML in about two weeks (hopefully).
As always, C&C is very greatly appreciated, and I'd rather have it torn
apart than have serious flaws overlooked. At any rate, here it is...
Blinking against the sudden brilliance of sunlight, Ryouga took
a deep breath and inwardly rejoiced as his lungs filled with fresh
air. It was a welcome change from the stagnant, oppressively
filtered hospital environment which he had become acquainted with
over the last few days, and he took a few moments to savor the
feeling of being outdoors again.
It was a perfect spring day, filled with the sights and sounds
of life. Birds sang joyously, trees swayed slightly in the gentle
breeze . . . as if all was right with the world. Even his troubles
seemed to fall away for that glorious time; he was on his feet
again, and it was a good feeling.
A slight misstep reminded him that the sensations were not all
pleasant; his body ached from the beating he had taken in the fight
with Kunou. Akane was immediately at his side, lending him support,
but he straightened quickly and smiled. She returned the smile, and
his heart soared at the sight.
For her part, Akane was happy to see Ryouga on his feet again.
It had hurt her to see him battered so badly while fighting for her
sake, and his dedication to her touched her. Still, it bothered her
that he was hiding the pain that he felt, both physically and
emotionally. She wondered why he wouldn't talk to her. He had
helped her to deal with her pain, and was still helping her simply
by his kindness. She wanted to do the same for him.
At least he would have a place to stay now; with his sense of
direction she might never see him again once he left. She needed
him right now, and she was convinced that he needed her, too. But
why was he so quiet about it? Did he not want to burden her? That
must be it, she decided.
She knew that he blamed himself for Ranma's death, but she did
not see how he could possibly be responsible. He was too noble, and
kind . . . if he could have saved Ranma, he would have. She was
certain of it.
If only she could convince him . . .
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"If only I could find a way,
I'd feel like I'm the man you believe I am.
It's getting harder every day for me
To hide behind this dream you see.
A man I'll never be."
-Boston, "A Man I'll Never Be"
Douglas Alra Reeves <dougreeves@earthlink.net> presents . . .
Tainted Honor
A Ranma Nibbunoichi fanfiction by Douglas A. Reeves
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Chapter Four - This Dream You See
Midnight. The end of a day, and the beginning of the next.
Ryouga was all too conscious of this fact; it was one more day gone
by, when he could afford to lose none. The days were running by all
too quickly; ten had now passed since Nabiki had issued her
deadline.
Once again, he was awake for this passing; this night found him
sitting on the porch of the Tendou home. Looking out into the empty
blackness of this moonless night, he sighed softly to himself.
There was no escaping his fate; it was coming only too soon.
The sound of a sliding door opening startled him from his
reflections, and he looked back to see Akane standing behind him.
"Can't sleep?" she asked, concerned.
He nodded. "Too much on my mind."
"Want to talk about it?" she offered.
"I . . . ," he hesitated. "I can't."
Something he did not quite recognize flickered in Akane's eyes
. . . was it sadness? She wanted to help him so badly, he knew, and
the fact that he simply could not tell her only made him feel worse.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, turning away. "I'm not ready to talk
about it yet."
He heard her sigh, then answer, "I understand. If you change
your mind . . . you know where I am." Light footsteps marked her
retreat into the house, and the door closed behind her. Once she
was gone, he let out a long sigh and silently cursed himself for his
weakness.
She thought so highly of him, he realized, and wondered why he
had never seen that before. In her eyes, he was kind, and strong .
. . and honorable. She saw him as all that he wished to be, all
that he dreamed of being, and wasn't. And he had to shatter those
illusions--to hurt her again--after he had sworn to protect her.
There was no way out . . . honor, and Nabiki, demanded it.
He would have to break her heart again, and in doing so shatter
his own. This led him to another question . . . why would Nabiki
want it that way? Supposedly she was out to help Akane, but would
this blow not do her more harm than good? Didn't Akane need support
now, rather than another broken heart? Why now, of all times? He
resolved to find out.
* * * * * * * * *
Ryouga had never had as much trouble lifting his hand as when
he went to knock on the door before him. To his mind, it loomed
largely over him, like the entrance to some great and terrible
fortress, or a portal to some unknown danger. The wood seemed to
resound with each tap, gaining weight far beyond its physical mass,
and when Nabiki's voice answered it was to him a pronouncement of
doom.
"Come in, Ryouga," she spoke crisply, and he sighed lightly
before opening the door. Shuffling quickly inside, he closed it
behind him, then turned to face the arbiter of his fate. Unable to
meet her gaze, he looked sheepishly at the floor.
"Well?" Nabiki asked with a slight, almost taunting edges on
her voice. "You haven't come to ask for more time, I hope."
Ryouga shook his head, "No. I came to ask you something else .
. . ," he began, then paused. Shifting his feet nervously, he
mentally cursed himself for being so frightened of her.
Nabiki smiled slightly, a predatory gleam in her eye. He was
nervous about something, she could tell . . . nervousness was useful
to her. "Well then, out with it! My time is valuable, you know."
He took a deep breath, slowly building his determination, and
looked up to meet her gaze. Steeling himself, he opened his mouth
and forced out the question . . .
"Why?"
The change which passed over Nabiki was immediate; her eyes
narrowed and darkened, her gaze hardening to painful intensity. Her
smile faded, replaced first by a sharp glare, then abruptly again by
calculated neutrality as she regained her composure. "I have my
reasons, Ryouga," she answered icily, as though the question angered
her. "After this is over, if you still want to know, I *might* tell
you then."
Ryouga shivered slightly and nodded. "Thanks anyway," he
whispered almost unwillingly, then turned quickly to depart. Nabiki
stared after him for a long moment, holding up the image, then let
out a long sigh.
<Damn you, Ryouga,> she thought as she slumped onto her bed,
<Why did you have to ask me that?> That question had been haunting
her since this mess had begun, and the answer was too close to
herself for her liking. Her confidence wavered . . . was she doing
the right thing? It was too late to turn back now.
If he had doubted her before, Ryouga was certain now that she
would carry through on her threat. Though nearly always somewhat
cold to him of late, Nabiki had been unusually harsh this time . . .
it was almost as though his question had wounded her, and he found
himself wondering why. What about his plight could she take so
personally that it would affect her like that? He shook his head,
not understanding.
At any rate, he was running out of time. Only three days
remained, but even more pressing than the deadline was the pressure
on his soul. He found that he WANTED to tell Akane, or that at
least a part of him did. He wanted to be rid of the damned secret,
and to let her see him as he was. Nabiki knew a lot about secrets,
he realized . . . perhaps that was why she had gotten involved. He
wasn't sure.
And yet, how could he wound Akane so? Then again, if he told
her himself, would not the hurt be less than if she learned from
Nabiki? Almost certainly. With that realization, a resolution
formed in his heart. He would tell her, and get it over with . . .
and he would do it immediately.
It actually took him a while to find her . . . though he had
learned well the borders of the Tendous' land, and did not cross
them, he could still wander for surprising lengths of time within
that seemingly small lot. He cursed for the thousandth time his
abysmal sense of direction, and yet he found himself wondering if it
was his subconscious, trying to deter him from his ill-fated path.
It was as he reached this thought that he saw her; she was just
leaving the dojo and walking toward the house. Moving quickly, he
intercepted her before she could get there . . . better to hold this
discussion away from prying ears, he thought. She looked at him
oddly, as if she could see the nervousness written on his face.
<She probably can,> he thought, closing his eyes for a moment
and building his resolve. Speaking quietly and hesitantly, he
forced out the words, "Akane . . . about last night. I'm . . .
ready to tell you now." <Well, I'm committed to it now . . . >
The odd look on her face was replaced with one of concern, and
she took him aside to sit beneath a nearby tree. "It's all right,
Ryouga . . . I'm listening."
He shook his head miserably. "It's not all right," he spoke,
his voice haunted. "I . . . you need to know. I could have saved
Ranma. . . ."
Akane scowled, "Ryouga, we talked about this--"
"No!" he cut her off, suddenly vehement. "I . . . didn't tell
you the whole story. You see . . . I had a choice, to save Ranma
first, or the relic . . . I thought I could save them both . . . and
went for the relic first."
"But . . . ," Akane whispered, stunned. "Why? You didn't need
it. . . ." Her voice trailed off as frightening thoughts coalesced
in her mind. "No. . . ."
"I . . . did need it, Akane. I also was cursed."
"Then you . . . no." She shook her head in violent denial.
"You couldn't be. . . ."
His gaze fell, an expression of utter self-loathing twisting
his features. "I was P-chan."
"But . . . ," she protested, shocked. "Why didn't Ranma just
tell me?"
"He promised me he wouldn't . . . and I took advantage of that
promise."
Rage slowly replaced the disbelief in her eyes, changing them.
Her face contorted into a vicious scowl, and her next words were
those Ryouga had been dreading for what seemed an eternity. Drawing
back her hand to strike him, she screamed, "RYOUGA NO BAKA!" The
blow came toward him, closer, closer . . . an eternal instant as he
waited for the well-deserved pain . . .
. . . but it never came. Her fist stopped less than an inch
from his nose, and the anger on her face gave way to an even more
devastating look--that of disappointment, and pain. Ryouga's
fragile heart shattered at the sight, and he stared at the ground
between them, unable to meet her gaze.
For a moment there was silence, then the sound of Akane
weeping. She slowly stood, turning from him toward the house, and
as she began to walk away she whispered, "Go."
"Akane . . . ," he whispered.
She whirled on him in fury, screaming, "JUST LEAVE! I DON'T
EVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!"
Ryouga recoiled, then nodded, accepting his doom silently. As
he rose to depart, a part of him questioned where he could go. The
rest of him did not care.
***********
End Part Four
(Not the end!)