Eric: well its another slow day here at work so its time to review more
fanfics

Sarah: so do you actually do work at work or do you just pretend.

Eric: no no i do lots of work, its just that i have slow moments from
time to time.  *sweat drops*

Sarah: ahh.. so whats on the list for today

Eric: Beautiful Lair, a story about an interior decorating Monster.  His
trials and tribulations and how he became accepted by his peers and
eventually earned a spot in the may issue of Homes and Gardens

Sarah: all this from teh subject line? 

Eric: yep.

Jonathan Burke wrote:

This is a little alternate universe that I created.
Enjoy.

Eric: well i suppose its not every universe that has an interior
decorating monster

"Beautiful Liar"

Sarah: i see... so you lied about the title?

Eric: humph *looking downfallen* i feel cheated, I see nothing beautiful
about lying.

A fanfic brought to you by the diseased mind of Jonathan Burke

Sarah: great more people have become infected by the mad cow disease

Eric: well maybe you should do some cleansing.

Insert Standard Takahashi Disclaimer here.

Warning, this fanfic was inspired whilst listening to the NIN song
"Reptile".  If you've heard it, and were offended by the premise, you
might know where I'm coming from and skip the story entirely.  This
story is set in an Alternate Universe, so if the characters are a
"little" OOC, tough.  I don't really care who I offend, but I'll issue a
warning, there are some lemon bits.

Sarah: then you should slap a lemony tag on it.

Eric: never heard reptile and i'm not entirely positive i've even heard
of NIN

Sarah: oh please you ahve too you're just trying to pretend you're
older.
 

With further ado, the pigs march in a line�
**
        Ranma settled back in his futon.   He experienced another one of his
rare, introspective moments.  Ever since he and his father had returned
from that ridiculous training trip in China, his life had gone straight
to Hell.  Wrong, he thought bitterly.  My life has always been and 

Sarah: down that narrow path paved with lawyers?

Eric: that doesnt seem very introspective if you ask me.

will

always be Hell, from womb to tomb.  His misery started at the age of

Eric: well i suppose thats a little more expressive.

Sarah: from womb? but all men want to return to the womb.

five, when his father dragged him from his cold, unloving mother to go

Eric: i thouight it started when he was in the womb.

on a ten-year training trip.  Training indeed, for along with his

Sarah: I wonder if thats just how he remembers her.

fathers vast martial arts skill, Ranma was also forced to learn other,
less savory arts.  His old man had sold him many, many times to
prospective buyers, before and after his curse.

Sarah: well Genma never had much honor.

Eric: that is soooooooooooooooo disgusting.  I mean this is bordering on
well lets just not go there.

        "A martial artist must be ready to sacrifice everything for both his
art and his master." His old man told him callously as he was led off 

Sarah: there's an understatement you rutheless bastard.

Eric: *quickly fetches the printouts he made of Genma*

by

the buyer at the tender age of six to be corrupted.  That bastard 

Sarah: SIX?!?  *flashing bolts of green energy fly off her*

Eric: *tosses a piece of paper in the air*

Sarah: GENMA you're a sick bastard!  *powerblasts the paper, the
ceiling, Eric's Boss who just happened to be standing on the roof, a
passing african swallow carrying a coconut, a nanny with an umbrella,
and a passanger plane being boarded by a UFO*

Kujoni

was only the first of a long line of bastards.  Ranma snorted.  My

Sarah: wow...

Eric: hey wait a second here ... rearranges the letters...  K-U-I-J-N-O
.... umm no... K-O-U-N-J-I...KOUNJI?!  Jonathon you sick bastard! how
dare you corrupt the name of Ukyou!

Sarah: do you really think it was intentional?

Eric: yes!

father must have always been proud to have such a handsome son.

Eric: this is getting worse.

        Life went from Hell to worse, though when he came to Japan.  > Ranma sat
back and reflected on the moment he met the one who now ruled his life
with a silken hand.

Sarah: uhhh... *ponders* silken implies niceness.

Eric: perhaps a different kind of imagery would be more aprorpriate, two
words that contradict each other.  *shrugs*
 

Three Months Earlier
        People gasped in astonishment to see a large Panda leading a young
woman down a busy Nerima street.  Around the beautiful redhead's neck
was a collar, attached to which was a leather leash.  On her body was 

Sarah: grr, 

Eric: ahhhhhhhhhh i cant stand it a redhead in a collar *sniffs, bursts
into tears and runs screaming from the cubicle*

Sarah: ahhh stupid amber.

a

tight black spandex body suit.  Oddly though, it looked a little loose

Sarah: humm... sexual slavery, jeez, you'd think a cop might be a bit
more concerned, then again it is a panda.

in the strangest places�
The panda held onto the leash and tugged the broken girl along.

Sarah: its a shame to see Genma has managed to break Ranma's spirit.

        "So who'd you sell me to this time, old man?"
        The panda held up a sign upon which was written,  <Those times are
behind us son�>

Sarah: oh yeah sure, gee it makes up for it. grrr i'm feeling my blood
pressure rise.  *flickers green around the edges*

Eric: returning... is it over yet?

Sarah: NO!  *left eye twitches*

        "Whatdya mean?"
        <You'll see>

Eric: sounds menacing enough.

Sarah: *the glow increases starting to build into the floor*

Eric: uhhh...

        "Yeah, whatever, old man.  Let's just get this ordeal over with."  The
redhead dejectedly ran her fingers through her hair and followed the
panda through the Nerima ward.

Sarah: *the air around her is starting to ripple with the intense heat
build up and an inordinate amount of energy is being stored into the
earth.  An circle, 5 feet in diameter, glows green around her*  

Eric: ummm....  *wishes he had his ferrets nearby*

Cubicle: thats it i'm outta here, *stands up and walks off leaving Eric
and Sarah exposed*
 �

        Ranma's father, still in panda form, knocked lightly on the door of the
Tendo Dojo.  The door slid open to reveal a pretty, brown-haired girl of
about nineteen.  She blinked twice at the sight before her.

Eric: uhhh... *looks over at Sarah who has an intent look on her face
and the circle has stopped growing.*

        "Father�I believe you have guests."

Eric: from this you take it that they're used to strangeness around here
or maybe Kasumi's just more clueless then before.

        Kasumi shook her head at the pair standing before her.  Really, the
panda she could understand, but the dog collar?  Her father's taste had
sunken lower and lower since her mother had passed away.  Ah, well,
might as well be polite.

Eric: *sweatdrops as the circle around Sarah abruptly expands even more*

Computer: Byyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee *tries to leave but cant cuz
Sarah is holding him in place*  Heeeeeeeeeelp.

Eric: shut up, reboot do something!

        Her father walked up to the door and stared.  He had suffered much
under Happousai, but this was well out of his league.  But the dog

Eric: maybe its all happosai's fault.

Sarah: *the circle around her decreases slightly*

collar did intrigue him�

Sarah: *the circle grows more*

        The panda held up a sign, snapping Soun out of his reverie.
        <Hello again, old friend!>
        Soun promptly fainted.

Eric: well at least he didnt burst into tears.
 �

        "So you're saying that you fell into a cursed spring, both you and your
son?"

Sarah: *maintaining a steady hold on her intense green glow* there
better be a damn good excuse for this.

Eric: dont you think you're over reacting just a bit.

Sarah: you're the one who wrote my childhood, what do you  think?

Eric: *twiddles his thumbs*

        "Yes.  But it has not been such a tragedy.  Rather, it has allowed us
to utilize even more methods for survival."

Sarah: *the glow around her shoots up several feet into the air*

Eric: boy these two are even more despciable then normal, i'd hate to
see what Ranma's other fiancees are like.

        Soun looked over at the silently sulking girl, dressed in tight black
clothes.  "What horrors have befallen you," Soun thought sadly.  

Eric: well at least he feels some remorse maybe he'll change.

Sarah: *the glow holding steady* grrr....he'd better if he knows whats
good for him.

"Genma

had suffered far more than I under our master's tutelage.  What else has
your father done to you�  Oh well!  At least now the Dojo will
continue."

Sarah: *thru gritted teeth* THAT is no excuse.  Its weakness nothing
more.

        "Nabiki, Kasumi, Akane, come here.  Father has something very important
to tell you." Soun yelled.

Eric: it might be interesting to see how Soun has raised his daughters.

Computer: *still struggling to break free* Thaaaaaat woouuuuuuuuuuld
nooooooooot--

Sarah: - be good for anyones sake.

Eric: why am i staying here again?

        Kasumi dutifully sat next to her father and Mr. Saotome as Nabiki
sauntered down the stairs.  Nabiki raised an eyebrow at her father's
request.  "Akane's out�on a date.  Remember?"  Nabiki couldn't help but
put a little bit of scorn into her voice.  Akane was a "known girl."

Eric: a what?

Sarah: *starts to levitate off the ground, the glow around her growing
brighter*

Eric: this does not bode well.

        "Oh my."  Was all Kasumi would say.

Eric: i wonder what traumatic event has occured in her life.

Sarah: grrrr...

Eric: maybe its best not to speculate.

        Soun looked up at his daughters, distraught.  He hadn't given her
permission to go out on a date!  Why, who knows what those foul men were
doing to his precious daughter�

Eric: humm so he's more normal...unless...

Sarah: grrrrrr

        "Why doncha just tell them and get it over with."  Said the redhead.

Eric: stop with the redhead stuff, just call her Ranma, you're killing
me.

Sarah: Stop your complaining.... *Is now hovering two feet in the air*

        Nabiki blinked at the uncouth nature of the younger girl sitting

Eric: the girl has a collar around her neck and Nabiki thinks she's
acting uncouth.

dejectedly in the corner.  "Who the hell are you?" Nabiki asked of the
girl.

Eric: well Nabiki is certainly a cold one.

Sarah: is there anyone that Ranma can rely on in this?

        "Saotome Ranma�sorry about this.  The old man made a little agreement
with your father about sixteen years ago.  You see�'

Eric: why would she be sorry about that?  First of all, Nabiki has been
hostile.

        Ranma was cut off by footsteps entering the Dojo.  She looked up to see
a raven hair beauty sit down beside her father.  She wore a tight
fitting dress, red and exposing entirely too much.  Despite her female
body, Ranma felt her blood pressure rise at the sight before her.  

Eric: considering what she's been through...err ranma's been through he
might not necessarily be sexuall attracted to anyone.

Ranma

breathed deeply, trying to regain her equilibrium.  Unfortunately for
her, her nostrils were assaulted by an age-old smell, a smell she was
long aquatinted with.  The stink of sex, sweat mixed with pure, raw
pheromones.

Eric: ahh pheromones, that would explain it.  

Sarah: *falls slightly down towards the ground*

        The girl noticed Ranma staring and gave her a meaning full 

Eric: a meaningful

look.  Then
she caught herself and stared, spite and scorn entering into her
countenance.  "Another one of her father's whores," Akane thought, "poor
thing doesn't even look attracted to men.  Nah, not with the look she's
giving me.  Well, maybe I can get some free treats after father's done
with her�" Akane's face softened as she winked at Ranma, giving her a

Sarah: *rises into the air several more feet*

Eric: jeez now i want to know the history here.

look that raised Ranma's blood pressure by another hundred points.
        Akane stopped short as what her father was saying registered.
        "�so Genma and I decided that our families should be joined.  Ranma is
going to be married to one of my daughters."

Sarah: *energy expands outward brushing against Eric*

Eric: jeez thats hot.  you'd think that they'd have come up with another
agreement.

        Nabiki just shook her head sadly at her father.  "And how are we
supposed to marry a girl?"

Eric: i thought they were present at the explanation...no maybe not.

        Kasumi, at her father's behest, poured hot water over Ranma's head.
His female body quickly morphed into a handsome, muscular man.  His
flaming locks turned raven as his blue eyes winced in the accustomed
humiliation of his condition.

Eric: i'm sure Akane is thinking of all sorts of clever ideas

        All heads turned to Akane as she coughed lightly once.  Staring right
at Ranma, her lips formed into the one word that would change his life
yet again.
        "Mine."

Sarah: *erupts into a geyser of energy, the pillar expands out of sight*

Eric: ulp... umm really people i've never seen her like this before...
*ducks behind a porcelain duck*

�
        Ranma thought back to that first night.  How he had, weak and foul as
he was, fallen under her spell.  That day Ranma fell in love, strongly,
foolishly, suicidal.  "And she knew it, even then." He thought,

Eric: suicidally?

ruefully.  That first night had been another night of his rage.  Still
befouled from her first encounter, she lead him hand in hand through 

Eric: what?  this is confusing.  *edges away from the ever expanding
pillar*

the
nicer parts of hell�

Eric: you mean the suicide woods? and the lonesome cliffs of despair?

        He shook his head sadly at how pathetic he was.  Despite all the times
that he had been adulterated, he was still a virgin in the way of 

Eric: are you sure adulterated is the right word?

young
women.  Sure, he knew how to please, but his self-loathing prevented him
from ever enjoying the act.  Akane was a different matter.  She brought
him through his nervousness to bring out his skill.  Through the night,
his taint mingled with hers, and heaven shed bloody tears at the acts
below.  Thousands of deaths fell upon the earth as Suffering and 

Ecstasy

warred in the fouled battlegrounds before them.

Eric: umm very dramatic... actually a little cheesy but hey.

        Ranma sadly remembered how happy he was to have met someone who truly
"cared."  How wrong he was.  He also knew how little power he had�

Sarah: *stretches her arms out wide*

        His mind drifted back to his first day a Furikan High.
�
        Ranma had finished sparring with his father, having successfully
immersed the bastard in the koi pond and then slamming his furry head
about thirty seven times into the unyielding earth.  Damn that felt
good.

Eric: shoulda done it more times... i'm shocked he never tried to run
away.

        He walked cautiously into the Dojo to eat breakfast.  Kasumi had set
down a veritable feast, at least compared to what he was used to
eating.  He was wearing his customary black body suit.  Some habits died
hard.   Akane glided down the steps, clad in something that she really
shouldn't have been able to put on in public, at least by the standards
of gravity.  She slid into next to him with a purr, eliciting a 

Eric: she slid into the what next to him?  hummm very fruedian.

shudder

from Ranma.  They both ate their breakfast in silence, the undercurrent
lost to the oblivious Kasumi.  Nabiki was, however, a completely
different story.

Eric: i wonder whats wrong with the other two.

        "Enjoying your fianc�e, Akane?"  Disgust was heavy in her voice.

Sarah: *gathers energy in her arms and she is slowly lowered back
towards the ground*

        Akane just slipped an arm around Ranma and rested her chin on his
shoulder.  "He's perfect."  She let the syllables fall softly from her
lips, like honey from a crevice.  Ranma felt the customary heat all 

Eric: this imagery is way to sexual.

men

know.

Eric: humm its kinda pathetic.

        They left the table and walked to school, with Akane on the ground and
Ranma walking on the fence.  Akane looked up, enjoying the sight of his
muscular body at a different angle.  "Why do you do that?" she asked.

Eric: you'd think he'd try to get away.

Sarah: victims sometimes stay where they are because they no longer care
and have stopped caring what happens to them a long time ago.

        "Advertising�sorry it's an old habit.  I'll stop now if you want me
too."

Sarah: *her feet now hover a few inches of the ground and the energy
around her gives the disconcerting impression that its collapsing
inward*

        "No, don't worry about it.  I like the view."

Eric: its not like he's wearing a skirt.

        Ranma just grinned a little.  Having people notice his body was
something he was entirely too used to.  Odd, though, how Akane's
appreciation made him feel differently from the others.  He noticed many
people looking at him with desire in their eyes.  Even that old lady
with the bucket of water in her hand.

Eric: boy this is one diseased city.

        Ranma shuddered as the lady brought back some memories he wished were
forgotten.  Some snippets floated through his mind�Amazons�contest�the

Eric: okay lets not go here.

old lady so happy to have him hold her in his arm�the lady Kuh Lon.  He
shuddered at how his father had cornered him into that one.

Eric: *shuddering* i asked you not to go there.

Sarah: *there is a silent boom, more felt then heard as the energy
collapses into Sarah*

Eric: this does not bode well..

        Ranma and Akane reached the gates of Furikan High just in time to be

Eric: coincidentally its FuriNkan, well except for the capital letter is
a small case.

greeted by a horde of young females.  Akane stepped in front of Ranma
and smirked.  "So you jealous bitches want a piece of me.  Again.  If
you're so angry�then come and get me."

Eric: a different take.

        Ranma was so shocked at the general mayhem that resulted that he could
do little but stare.  Akane became a flurry of action as the mob of
women charged at her.  She quickly demonstrated her incredible skill as
a martial artist as she proceeded to knee-drop, gut punch, and backhand
every clawing, biting female in the group.  Soon the horde was reduced
to one girl, flushed with rage but carefully circling Akane.

Eric: geez Akane hasn't changed much.

Sarah: *glowing so brightly, it hurts to look at her* not...funny.

        "Stop!"
        A voice penetrated the air, castigating the very winds with its
imperial commands.  Ranma looked up to see a stern-faced, handsome young
man, dressed in a gray clergy's suit and holding a Bible.  Akane looked
at him sweetly.

Eric: oh dear.

        "Whore of Babylon, you have spread your foul taint in this school for
far to long.  I challenge you to a duel.  If I defeat you with Heaven's
grace, then you will not date any more.  Is that understood?"

Eric: heh i like this take...in fact Kuno here provides a welcome
change... and hopefully Sarah can hold it in a bit more.

Sarah: ggrrrrr...

        Akane just shook her head and prepared to pummel him.  Ranma quickly
stepped in front of her.  "I know how to handle this." He said as he
turned to Kuno.

Eric: d'oh *looks at Sarah and quickly sweat drops*

Sarah: *feet touches the ground and the energy from the ground starts to
rapidly pour into her, the ground looks unharmed*

        Kuno looked down on Ranma superciliously.  "And what lost sheep talks
so kindly to such a foul harridan?"

Eric: boy Ranma really seems to enjoy his life.

        Ranma calmly cocked back his fist and slammed it into Kuno's gut.  He
flipped the surprised Kuno over, slamming him into the ground.  Then he
shoved Kuno's face into the dirt while he whispered these words into his
ear.
        "I'm Akane's fianc�e, and if you ever say anything about her again,
I'll rape you before you even know what happened."

Eric: that is soo... uh oh... *notices a strange shrieking sound coming
from behind him*

        Kuno merely looked calmly at Ranma.  He smiled.  "Akane may be beyond
redemption, but I shall save your soul."  He seemed ready to say
something else, but was cut off as Akane drove a heel into the back of
his head.

Eric: humm Kuno ever the chivalrous one, it seems incredulous that he's
the first likable character.

Sarah: *her body shrieking at the energy contained within* maybe...i'll
spare him.

        "Idiot."
        Ranma could not help but agree.

Eric: geez Ranma have you been the victim so long you no longer care?

�
        Ranma ruefully thought back to that first day of school.  Akane had
sauntered into class, dragging him along like a pup on a string.  Even

Eric: i hope he's not wearing the collar still.

then, she made it abundantly clear who owned whom.  "So my father traded
his mastery over me to another�the more things change, the more they
stay the same."  Both times bonded by "love."

Eric: oh dear.  *starts to run and dives behind a porcelain duck*

Sarah: *releases her pent up energy in a blast of green.  The explosion
grows rapidly tearing apart buildings and throwing people far into the
air, the ground and trees are unharmed, as rapidly as the explosion
expands it suddenly collapses back inwards and is over.*

Eric: *lands several miles away*

Computer: *survives unhurt, Sarah's hand rests on his case*
Aaaaaaah!!!!!!!!!

 Hell, she even introduced me to the class.

Sarah: how thougtful.

�

--