SPOOF CHASE PRODUCTIONS
(http://spoof.maison-otaku.net/)
PRESENTS...
Magical Troubleshooting Crossover Fighting Tournament BETA :
Round 2
A Street Fighter / Darkstalkers / Toshinden / Ranma 1/2
Samurai Showdown / Groove On Fight / Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles / And Many Others Reader-Voting
Tournament Fanfic
by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne
(All characters copyright other people, obviously. If I
ever even considered claiming that these were my own
characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where
I'd be forced to eat my own super combos to live.)
-=-
AUTHOR'S NOTE :
School sucks. x.x I'm not getting these out as fast as I'd
like. Hopefully since we divide by two each round, it'll work
out, though. :) Plot, fighting setups and voting form follow.
I was going to tweak the new fights at the end to make them
a bit cooler, but in an effort to get this out the door instead
of waiting days to get enough free time and ideas, I'm shipping
the damn thing now. :) Enjoy.
-=-
Slowly, but surely, the arena was reconstructed from the
thermonuclear display put on by Devilot and Mihoshi. Skuld
directed a thundering herd of robots, making the arena bigger...
better... badder... FASTER.
But until then, the fighters had some time to kill. The
ones who hit a run of bad luck were spending it grumbling.
"Ye gads, that was the soberest I've ever been in my entire
life," Chin muttered, nipping a bottle of Wild Chocobo whisky he
had gotten from a cafeteria vending machine. "Sie, if my senses
ever become that clear again, shoot me."
"Vermillion already did that for you, sensei," Sie muttered,
rubbing his bandaged stomach.
"That he did, that he did," Chin giggled.
"I don't get it," Athena sighed. "I mean, it was my
ultimate technique. It combines some of my biggest causes in
life; peace on earth and goodwill towards men, and idol singing.
Sure, you beat the guy up when he's stunned, but other than that
it's a karmatically sound way to get rid of the bad guy. Why
didn't it work?"
"That kid had some spunk," Chin noted. "Funny little thing.
Ugly, too. We all make mistakes, Athena-chan. Jusht make sure
you're ready for King of Fighters '97. And no more Minmei
Defense outta you!"
"Haaaaai," Athena sighed.
"Hey, don't worry!" Sie laughed. "We'll go back home, go on
a date, kick people around in '97, and all will be--"
Athena elbowed him in the gut lightly.
"Ow," Sie sobbed.
"Oh! Sorry, I forgot," Athena apologized. "Maybe you
should have another antacid..."
"I think I already sucked down all the ones in Heaven," Sie
grumbled.
Athena hopped out of her molded plastic cafeteria chair, and
flagged down a nearby angel. "Say, do you know where my friend
could get more antacid?"
The angel blinked, and turned to look at Athena. And look.
And look.
"Ano?" Athena smiled, trying not to look confused.
"What're you doing back here, Athena-sama?" he asked. "I
thought you went to the mortal plane for good! It's so good to
see you! It's me, Michael."
"Do I know you?..."
"Sure! We went through training back in the greek empire
days? You got a higher score and got to graduate to be a
goddess, I got held back a year after that 'Exploding Harp'
gag... oh, those were the days."
Athena gaped.
"I'll go get you some antacid," Michael said. "You can
count on me, Athena-sama!" And with that, he exited stage left.
Chin took a LONG pull off his bottle, needing it.
"Athena?" Sie asked. "Um. You were a goddess?"
"I.. guess," Athena said slowly. "I always thought the name
was a coincidence, though.."
"You don't REMEMBER being a goddess?" Chin asked.
"Actually, she does!" Sie said, getting all excited. "She
kept saying she felt like she's been here before in one of those
retroactive repressed memory deja vu c'est la vie sort of ways!
Cool!"
"It does seem familiar..."
"So," Chin summarized, "That meansh that she was a goddessh,
and could've been one again, but she lost. Ironic. Man, this
holy stuff really sticks it in and breaks it off, eh?"
"..." Athena said.
*
Caffeine Nicotine walked quickly down the steel hallway of
the Medical Center, staff tapping every other step to support him
and speed him along. Step, tap, step tap. Hurry.
As a result he had accelerated to an upwards of 15 miles per
hour just from the elevator to the intensive care unit, and had
to skip to a stop in unforgivingly archaic sandals on a slick
tile floor.
Skuld looked puzzled, as the monk skittered across the floor
and into a pile of bedpans.
"This is very undignifying," Nicotine noted to whoever might
be concerned.
"Hello," Skuld waved politely.
Nicotine got up, dusted himself off, and walked over to the
bed. "So, has she woken up yet, little one?"
"Nope," Skuld said, shaking her head. "We tried. I mean,
she's awake, but no response. I'm just glad she ISN'T TALKING
LIKE THIS anymore, it hurt my ears."
Nicotine stacked up some crates of surgical gloves next to
the bed, climbed up, and looked into Mizuki's eyes.
Nothing there. The demonically possessed priestess lie flat
on the hospital bed, breathing nicely, but every muscle stood
limp with inactivity and lack of motion and a decidedly nil
amount of inertia.
"Good," Nicotine wheezed. "Was worried for a minute."
"Can you do anything for her?" Skuld asked.
"Why, certainly, little one!" Nicotine laughed, pulling out
a slip of paper and a pen. "Been waiting to do this for years.
And frankly, I have no problem with someone doing the hard bit
for me. Just as long as I have my part done, so this sort of
mess doesn't happen again..."
With that, he scribbled an ancient holy sigil, and a short
prayer banishing evil, and affixed the paper ward to Mizuki's
forehead with chewing gum. He uncapped a small jar, ready.
The effect was really cool.
Swirling dark energies screamed in agony, wrenched from
their cellular hosts, sucked from the paper ward that fluttered
in a perfectly still breeze, spiralling into the tiny clay jar
Nicotine held. The winds of death itself whipped around the
room, the bed at the eye of the vortex, still without challenge.
The body rose several inches, prying itself away from reality
itself, trying to avoid the inevitable as the demon weakened. In
one final howl of rage, it was gone.
"WOW! Do it again, do it again!" Skuld cheered, bouncing.
"Sorry, only works once," Nicotine said. "Mizuki-chan? Are
you awake now?"
The woman's eyes opened. "Ano? What am I doing here?"
"Hey, she got quiet!" Skuld marvelled.
The monk clapped once, in a prayer of thanks. "And all is
well. The evil is sealed in this jar, the girl is safe and sound
and I didn't even have to lift a finger!"
"Nicotine? How'd I get from the temple to here?" Mizuki
asked, rubbing her eyes.
"C'mon, let's go have a drink and discuss it. Tell me, have
you ever experienced missing time?"
"No," Mizuki said, "But I think I remember a man in
black..."
*
A man in black gazed at the pair leaving, eyes glowing blood
red with anger. From knee height.
Akuma had a feeling his newly formed partner would go and
get herself eliminated in such a manner. Fortunately, this ended
any sort of agreement they held. Unfortunately, it meant she
wouldn't be restoring his proper size anytime soon.
His eyes fixed on the jar tucked under Nicotine's arm. He
smelled the evil.
Hmmmm.
*
A large group of fighters milled around the Magical Mystery
Bus. A sign nearby at the station read EARTH SHUTTLE, 1pm,
TODAY.
Most of the fighters who had been eliminated were going
home. Some left in disgust...
"I lost a chance to come back here?" Athena continued, as
she had been for hours. "I thought drama was supposed to work
for the good guys! Man, this isn't fun at all."
"It's how it works out sometimes, Athena-chan. But it's in
the past!" Sie laughed. "Let's move on. We'll go home, have a
sundae, go to a movie, and dinner-- ow. Quit it."
"Athena, quit bonking your partner," Chin requested.
"Mmpmhpmphamhpmmpmphhh," Kenny agreed.
"I didn't mean that way," Chin amended.
...Other fighters were downright pissed...
"I KNOW I can come up with a song she won't guess, I know I
can!" Remi babbled, half mad. "It can't be that hard! Her
memory can't hold every lyric known, can it? If I could just
have a rematch, I'd get that little..."
"Awww, don't worry, Remi! You and I can still go have lots
of fun back on earth!" Popura giggled. "Let's go to a karoke
bar!"
Remi resisted the urge to throttle her.
"Unbelievable that they would allow one as noble as I,
Tatewaki Kunou, to be cut in half like a common watermelon!"
Kunou raged, but lightly, so it wouldn't upset the bandage around
his waist where... somehow... all the king's horses and all the
king's men managed to put sempai together again. "It is best
that I go. Such a people do not DESERVE my greatness for their
godhead!"
...in the back of the crowd, others were somewhat happy to
be leaving for home....
"Mate, I tell you, that was NO sweet little girl," Lord
Raptor scowled. "That was a demonic bitch werebeast from hell.
Makes you think you've got it all wrapped up tight, nice and
easy, then unloads on ya! Forget this crap, I'm getting back to
my tour. Maybe I'll bite the head off a roadie on stage and feel
better."
"I hear ya, dude," Michelangelo yawned. "I wasn't prepared
at, like, ALL, either. Splinter told me to get back to training
the minute I go home, and man : if I can lose to that BOGUS
little pink wuss, I need it!"
"Oooooh," Birdie acknowledged in agreement.
"Momma mia, my head does HURT!" Luigi yelped. "Princess,
quit that, please! In the name of humanity!"
"It's special 'Mallet Therapy!'" Princess Toadstool smiled.
"I learned it from Skuld-chan. If you hit someone on the head
enough times, the pain goes away!"
"I know! It's called dying! Ow. Please? At least until
we get back to the Mushroom Kingdom and I can see a doctor?"
...and other fighters were completely absent.
Those were the ones that merit worrying about.
*
Devilot watched the bus pull away, headed for Earth.
Briefly she considered joining them, and getting away from this
horribly unfair place.
That thought lasted .0002 seconds.
The next thought in the queue was : REVENGE!
"I'll get her for this!" Devilot declared, stamping her
foot. "That wicked, wicked woman! She'll pay, OOHHOOHHOOOO!
She will pay in blood! And in tears! And in more blood! And
maybe in American Express Traveller's Checks! But one way or
another or all of the above, MIHOSHI WILL PAY for destroying my
beautiful mecha!!!"
Devilot enjoyed a good Evil Laugh for the next twenty three
minutes. Her goons plugged their ears to avoid any resonant
mental damage from the frighteningly adorable giggle of malice.
When she was finished her tirade of pleasantly sinister
chuckling, Devilot paused to actually consider her situation.
"I wonder how I'm going to get that revenge?" she wondered
in particular.
A figure loomed in shadow briefly before her, and then
strolled into the light, long arms dangling at his sides.
"Perhaps," M.A.D. said, voice bubbling like a puddle of
sputum, "I can be of assistance."
*
Anita sat on her hospital bed, clutching her doll and
looking as emotion-packed as a slab of bedrock after few aeons of
boredom and inactivity.
She wasn't terribly hurt; after all, they were just plastic
doll heads, even if they were sort of weirdly psionic in nature.
But the medical angels insisted on an overnight stay for
observation. Which Anita didn't mind, since it gave her a quiet
time to collect her thoughts, brood over them, and then pack to
leave.
What she did mind was this crazy human who had followed her
in here trying to cheer her up.
"It's okay, really!" Ukyou said, beaming positively
reinforcing smiles to the child. "It's only a tournament. There
will be other ones, just you wait and see. So cheer up,
alright?"
Anita sat still.
"Here, look at me, I can make funny faces! Bleeeeee," Ukyou
said, pulling at an eyelid. "Isn't that amusing?"
Anita looked at her with dead eyes.
"Umm. Okay, no funny faces. I can juggle!" Ukyou
suggested, taking out some throwing spatulas and working three of
them in the air with twists and loops and stuff. Very
impressive.
Anita wasn't moved to any sort of reaction.
Ukyou sighed, and let the spatulas clatter to the ground.
"Look, I'm sorry you had to be eliminated. You don't have to
give me the silent treatment, I mean, I didn't want to fight you
in the first place. It just worked out this way, you know?"
It was amazing, the lengths these mortals would go to, Anita
thought. She had no emotions. It was a fact of life she had
accepted ever since losing them. She didn't feel she had to tell
anyone about this or discuss it, she simply went along in her own
little way. But folks constantly tried to get a rise out of her.
Didn't they know such feelings were long dead? When would they
learn?
Perhaps this one might, if she just sat here and ignored
her.
"Look, let me go get you some cocoa. Would you like that?"
Ukyou asked. "Nice hot chocolate?"
The girl continued to stay silent.
Ukyou shrugged, and turned to go. She looked down at the
discarded spatulas, "Can't leave these lying around," she said to
herself, turned, and bent over to fetch them.
*RIIIIIIIIIIIIP.*
Pause.
Ukyou looked behind herself, where her tights had neatly
split a seam. Right up the middle, her flowered boxer shorts
were exposed for all the world to see. She blushed furiously.
"Darn it," Ukyou complained. "I thought I had those fixed!"
She quickly covered her rear and dashed out of the room.
Moment passed.
Then, much to her own surprise, Anita began to giggle.
And laugh, and chortle. And roll around on the bed, holding
her sides to keep them from splitting, as waves of amusement
rolled over her like ocean breakers. She kept on expunging years
of held in jokes, as Ukyou returned, hot cocoa growing cold as
she started in amazement.
Anita managed to get herself upright, and try to hold back
the laughter. "I'll take that cocoa now," she smiled.
*
Sakura fought to maintain control.
And won.
"HMMH!" she grunted, and cut loose with an explosion of ki,
the purple blast of body energy casting forward from her fists.
The blob of light smashed through both training dummies she had
set up, and set the wall of the makeshift dojo on fire.
The sudden rise in room warmth snapped her out of her
trance, as she panicked, and ran around looking for the fire
extinguisher.
David sprayed the nozzle of the red can of foam at the wall,
putting out the blaze. "Jeez! How'd you do that?"
"OH! David. I didn't hear you come in," Sakura said
nervously, one hand behind her head.
"Funny, I came in three minutes ago," David noted, looking
suspiciously at the girl.
"Oh. I mean, I DID hear you come in, and, um, just forgot
to say hello. Is all. You know."
"Sakura, are you okay? Ever since your fight, you've been
kind of... weird."
"Whaddya mean, weird??"
"Whoa," David said, backing down. From what? Sakura
blinked, realizing she had started to advance on him, one fist
ready.
"Sorry," she apologized. "It is weird. I mean, before, it
took concentration just to make a little fireball... now... I
mean, that took nothing. It was just so easy..."
"You told me you couldn't do the full version of that
Instamatic Heck Slaughter--"
"Instant Hell Murder, David."
"Oh, even better. You said you couldn't do it. What
happened? You BLEW UP out there!"
With a heaving sigh, Sakura slumped against the nearby wall,
and slid down into a sitting position. "I don't know. I just
got this rush all of the sudden, and it all clicked.. and boom,
there it went."
"It turned your fuku black, you know."
"I know. Probably from the smoke."
"I really don't like this," David said. "Something is wrong
in a large, large way. Maybe you should skip tomorrow's fight
with that monk, or at least until you can figure out--"
"Skip the fight?" Sakura asked, head snapping up to
attention. "SKIP the fight?? What are you suggesting?"
"Nothing, just--"
"You think I'm not fit for it, is that it?" Sakura asked,
getting to her feet. "That I should just give up when something
seems amiss, is that it?! WELL, DAVID?"
"I didn't say that!" David defended with, eyeing the exit.
He didn't really have to seek a way out. In the blink of an
eye, Sakura had him by the lapels of his coat, and had thrown him
out.
"I'm going to fight, and you won't stop me!" Sakura
exclaimed. A brief flare of a dark aura formed around her,
whisked away by the rushing wind of the dojo door, as it slammed
shut, barring the space between David and Sakura.
David got up, dusting himself off, and tried to think.
Direct approach; bad. Time for the indirect approach. He
stalked off down the hall, trying to remember where the monk had
been quartered.
*
Slamming the door closed to the dojo left Sakura somewhat
dizzy, as the brief and unexpected attack of rage simmered down
in her blood. She gasped for air, leaning against a wall, and
trying to concentrate.
But when she focused her eyes, what she saw didn't make
matters any better.
Glaring her right in the eyes were two pools of blood-
colored light, flaring with dark energy and focused six inches
inside her skull. She felt pinned by this force, and a little
intimidated, until she realized that Akuma was standing on a
stack of phone books in order to be face to face with her.
"Go away," Sakura muttered, wandering away from the pint-
sized demon. "I'm busy."
"Training?" Akuma asked, in a surprisingly low octave for
someone his age. Err, size. "Trying to control your powers?"
"If you must know, yes," Sakura said. "I know who you are,
Ryu-sama told me. You killed his sensei and you practice some
evil form of Shotokan. I'm not interested in talking with you."
"If you only knew the power of Dark Shotokan," Akuma
declared, clenching a fist. "I hope the small taste I gave you
in the previous round was enjoyable, however incomplete..."
Sakura paused. "What do you mean?"
"Allow me to finish your training," Akuma stated. A dark
aura raised around his body, and...
*
...seemed concerned. "The ratings predictions aren't good,
sir," Skuld continued, putting up a fresh diagraphgramchart(tm).
"Since the first round had sixteen fights, this one only has
eight... proceeding naturally... ano? Sir?"
God snored.
Skuld wondered if throwing a blackboard eraser at the Lord
was excusable.
Urd threw an eraser at Him. "HEY! Wake up! I wanna get
this meeting over with already!"
He awoke with a start and a snort. "Eh? What?"
"As I was saying," Skuld continued, trying not to look
unsettled by this, "The ratings may fall in round three, since
we'll only have four battles to vote on. Also, round four will
just have two, and so on. It might get dull and we'll lose our
viewer subscription rates to the pay-per-view channel showings."
"Oh. I already planned on that," God said, rubbing
sleepstuff out of his eyes.
"Eh?" Urd asked.
Belldandy quietly entered the board room. "Gomen, am I
interrupting?"
"Naw, Bell-chan, come on in," God waved. "Did you make
those calls I requested?"
"Hai, sir. They've agreed."
"Fabu," God smiled.
"Hold. Take two," Urd requested. "Mind explaining to those
not in the know what's going on?"
"I've hired some entertainment," God said, pulling a
dogeared notepad out of his jeans pocket. "Sideline action, and
so on. Minor prize involved. We should see the first of it in
this round, actually..."
*
In a similar dojo on the other side of the compound, Dan
concentrated.
Whole minutes of painstaking emotional channeling focused
him to the stillpoint of his consciousness. He was one with
intent, eyes closed, prepared to practice this new technique.
When. Now.
The warrior's eyes snapped open. "BOOT TO THE HEAD!" he
screamed wildly, and flung himself through the air.
Dan's foot made a sickening crunch against Splinter's head,
as his ankle snapped. The mouse was unaffected.
"AAARGH! Ow, ow, ow, ow!" Dan yelped, hopping around on one
foot, grabbing his other. "Sensei, you've got a hard head!"
"Or rather, you have a weak leg," Splinter said, pointing to
the offending appendage with his gnarled walking stick. "Are you
so certain you wish to learn this technique, Dan Hibiki? You
have but hours before your fight, but the art of Tae Quan Leep is
not a path to a door; it is an everwinding journey towards the
horizon."
"I just wanna Boot some Head," Dan whined. "Come on,
please, please huh can I? Show me how you do it!"
"Boot to the Head," Splinter said, booting Dan in the Head.
"OOWWWW!!!"
"That is how it is done. I have nothing more I can teach
you," Splinter bowed.
Dan collapsed like a bag of water with the bag taken away as
the sensei left him in his misery.
*
Skuld wiped her brow, examining her handywork.
Superior workmanship!
Streamlined architecture!
Shatter-proof stone!
Surely, an arena beyond compare.
Smiling, she gave a big thumbs up to the Man Upstairs, who
was, in fact, upstairs.
"Suppose it's time we get going," God said, from his box
seat. "Send in the fighters. Round two is about to begin."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
THE YGGDRASIL SUCCESSIONAL FIGHTING TOURNAMENT :
ROUND TWO
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"Alright, all you little couch potatoes, listen up," Urd
said, grabbing the camera to point it at herself. "Round two.
Same rules as before, which I'm here to fill you in on..."
1. Bouts last for ten minutes. Any which go over this
limit will be judged by megamis on hand, based on
whoever had the upper hand throughout the fight.
2. There will be no draws or double knockouts. Any fights
which cannot be determined in the ten minute period
will go into overtime; double knockouts will wait until
both fighters awaken and can continue.
3. Weapons are allowed of any kind. No animal partners
are allowed as weapons; weapons must be non-sapient.
4. Stepping out of the ring and into the shallow watery
moat around it counts as a Ring Out, and the opponent
in the ring wins.
5. All initial bouts were picked completely at random.
Progressive bouts will be organized by victors of
previous ones in standard pyramid fashion.
6. The winner after five rounds, the only undefeated
fighter, will be the one who becomes the creator and
god of all that exists.
"Now, we've got sixteen of these guys remaining," Urd
commented. "Me and my sisters will be on the sidelines mocking
and humiliating them, and in the end, only the eight YOU pinheads
vote for will move on. Now, let's get going!"
MATCH 1 : DAN vs. KASUMI
Kasumi stood in the ring, smiling and looking very pleased
at all that was going on. She had apparently made it to 'Round
Two', which was a good thing. Father would be so proud!
Her opponent rolled into the ring, and sprang into a
taunting position. "BEWARE!" he declared. "Beware! Beware of
the great pink warrior that taunts in your arena! He eats little
girls... sugar and spice, and everything nice! BEWARE! Take
care... BEWARE!"
"Hello," Kasumi waved.
"Did you like that? That's my new taunt whenever I face a
girl!" Dan boasted proudly. "It's wholly original and all my
creation and I worked all night on it!"
"It's quite remarkable, Mr. Hibiki."
"AHA! Thought you'd catch me off guard with your kind words
and politeness, did you?!" Dan laughed, shaking a forearm. "I
know about you, missy! Your last opponent was annihilated in an
earthquake! You are truly formidable! I, DAN HIBIKI, will not
constrict the wild fury that is my warrior's spirit! PREPARE!"
Kasumi smoothed out her dress, and nodded. What a nice
young man!
"This time, I'm not betting on Dan," Urd said. "My money's
riding on Suzy Homemaker there."
"That's not nice, assuming Mr. Hibiki will lose," Belldandy
retorted. "He's got a good heart. I'm sure he'll do well. ^_^"
MATCH 2 : DAVID vs. SPLINTER
David paced around his arena, concerned.
He couldn't find the monk anywhere, to warn him of what was
going on with Sakura. She had locked herself in the training
room all day, and only after she was on her way to the arena did
he see what was left of the building; you could fit it inside a
shoebox. A Keds shoebox.
"What worries you, child?" Splinter asked. He had honored
his opponent's request for a moment to think. "We do not have to
proceed if you do not wish. The win means nothing to me."
"No, it's not that," David sighed. "It's just... eh. Let's
get on with this." He yanked on the cord to his chainsaw, firing
the steel beast into roaring power.
Splinter examined the spinning chain. He fetched his
walking stick from the sidelines of the arena, and hefted it into
his grip. "Now, we both have weapons. It will be a fair fight."
"Sir? That's wood," David said, pointing out the obvious.
"This is a saw. It's designed to cut through wood."
A twinkle sparked in the old sensei's eye, as he twirled his
staff with surprising dexterity, whirling it in a circle and a
path over his shoulders and under, finally locking it in a grip
that could crush volkswagens.
"Perhaps," he said. "Time will tell."
"I don't have time TO tell," David said. "I need to go make
sure Sakura's okay, and you're in my way!"
"So go through me," the rat invited.
David charged, yelling as the saw made a shining arc in the
air...
MATCH 3 : CASEY JONES vs. KUROKO
Casey was busy sorting through his weapons, trying to find
just the one to use.
The last round had exhausted most of his supply. All his
good blunt objects were yanked from his hands before he could do
anything with them; as a result, all he really had left was a
pointed stick, a nerf crotchbat and a heart moon wand.
Unacceptable.
So, having no suitable weapon, he decided to break off one
of the arena pillars and swing that around instead. The problem
with an insane mind is that it assumes it can do this kind of
thing with its bare hands; and it's insane enough to ignore the
body telling it that it's getting a hernia doing it. As a
result, Casey Jones was able to heft an 800 pound slab of rock
over his head, spin it a few times, and SLAM it into the ground
in preparation for use in fighting.
The dinky ninja flipped into the ring, flags at the ready...
and looked surprised at the weapon, if you could see his face
behind the kabuki mask.
Casey laughed. "Mister, the only people who wear all black
like that are bad guys. I will not tolerate bad guys, so I'm
going to have to squish you." With that, he hefted the pillar on
his back, and advanced slowly.
Kuroko flipped over once, pulling out a chisel and hammer,
and jumped into the fray.
"Oneeesamaaaa!!!" Skuld whined. "I spent ALL DAY putting
this place back together, and they're ripping it apart again!"
"But that means you can rebuild it to be better, ne?"
Belldandy reminded.
"Oh? OH! Okay!"
MATCH 4 : MARIO vs. NARU
Naru sat down in a pile of candy and foodstuffs, eating one
cookie, one cracker, one lollypop and so on. "This time," she
mumbled, mouth full, "I won't be caught hungry!"
With a springy little BOING noise, the italian plumber
bounced into the ring. He bounced angrily, like some sort of
rabid Q-Bert, and came to a halt in front of Naru.
"You!" Mario indicated. "You-a beat up my brother, Luigi!"
"He was a meanie," Naru giggled. "I beat him up good."
"Well, you better-a prepare yourself, 'cause I'm-a gonna
beat you up too for beating up him!"
"Aww, you can't beat me up if you had a hundred million
years to beat me up because I'm going to beat you up!"
"It-a gonna take me maybe six seconds to beat you up, you
little brat!" Mario pledged.
"Not if I beat you up first!" Naru laughed.
"BEAT EACH OTHER UP already!!!" Skuld yelled from the
sidelines.
MATCH 5 : NICOTINE vs. SAKURA
Nicotine felt uneasy.
Maybe it was the bad filter on the last few smokes he had,
or maybe it was a swirling miasma of dark energies that had
seemed to form around the arena lately. Maybe both. Either way,
he was making it a point not to go into this fight overconfident;
he hid the jelly jar full of Mizuki's evil power somewhere safe,
and had meditated for the better part of nine minutes before
entering the ring.
His opponent was waiting for him.
Nicotine stroked his beard, surveying the figure before him.
It was basically a less-squashed looking version of his last
opponent; a young girl in one of those adorable little sailor
costumes. Except that it was a midnight black sailor costume.
And her eyes were pupilless and red -- and as any good priest
knows, when your eyes glaze over and turn all of one color in
anime, it means you're possessed. The anti-glowing dark aura was
a good tipoff as well.
"Hallo," Nicotine offered.
Evil Sakura nodded vaguely in Nicotine's direction and
immediately threw a gigantic ball of fire which engulfed the
priest and melted a path along the arena floor with a sickly
crackling, burning noise.
After it passed, Nicotine tossed the slightly scorched Ward
Against Unholy Fire aside, and dusted soot out of his robes.
"So, that's the way it's going to be played. Well, I beat you
once before as being evilly cute, I think I can beat you when
you're just evil as well..."
E. Sakura ignored the speech, warping space around her to
appear behind Nicotine, and used a can opener to unleash one of
the biggest cans of whoop-ass seen this side of the other side.
"Man, I hate it when folks resort to making the characters
get possessed by evil whenever things get dull," Urd grumbled.
"It's so immature and overdone."
"Didn't you get turned into Evil Urd once, oneesan?" Skuld
grinned. "I seem to recall it pretty well, had an evil black
costume and everything--"
"Just watch the fight, kid."
MATCH 6 : VERMILLION vs. B.B. HOOD
Both opponents didn't bother with longwinded speeches or
taunts, they just started shooting at each other and running
around dodging each other's shooting. Bang bang bang bang bang.
Etc.
"STOP! Stop, no!" someone from the audience cried. "It's
all wrong, it's all wrong!"
The combatants paused, more than slightly confused, as a
crazed-looking asian fellow ran down the arena steps and into the
ring.
"You're not dressed properly and you don't have enough
guns!" he proclaimed, then started passing out business cards to
both of them. "This isn't a good action sequence at all. Here,
my card."
B.B. Hood blinkieblinkied at her card. Then her eyes got
all big. "OHMYGOSH! It's... JOHN WOO!!!"
"I love your work," Vermillion noted, shaking the director's
hand. "'Hard Boiled' and 'Face Off' were brilliant."
"Thank you. Say, how would you two like me to choreograph
your fight?" Woo-sama asked. "Make it a LOT better, trust me.
Of course, this boring 'ring' is unsuitable... hang on, let me
ask the man in charge."
John Woo pulled out a cellular phone and dialed God's
number, which he had anyway.
'Yeah?' God asked.
"Hey, G, I was wondering if I could take these two off
somewhere and REALLY make a fight that'll go down in cinematic
history," Woo wondered. "Mind if we go on a field trip?"
'Will there be wanton destruction and cool explosions?'
"Hey... you KNOW me."
'Cool. Rock with it.'
The Woomobile pulled up, and the three piled in along with a
few camera crews, and they sped away.
"Ano... HEY! He took our fighters!" Skuld exclaimed. "How
the heck are the viewers gonna know who to fight on? They didn't
even start?"
"Who cares who wins?" Urd asked, setting up a TV. "We get
to watch a John Woo gunfight!"
MATCH 7 : SD-AKUMA vs. UKYOU
The beast surged and flowed through the veins of Akuma. It
hungered for living blood, it smelled the flesh of the living and
sought to tear it apart. It was Death.
Ukyou was too busy playing cards with Anita to notice.
"Waaaah!" she exclaimed. "I'm the Old Maid again!"
Anita giggled, as she was apt to do recently. "Gotcha!
You're an Old Maid!"
"I wish we could just play poker instead," Ukyou grumbled,
and reshuffled the deck.
"AHEM," Akuma coughed.
"We could play Crazy Eights or Uno or something," Anita
suggested. "I know those games. Or maybe Connect Four? Or
dressup! Donovan likes that a lot, for some reason..."
"Actually, I think I need to fight now," Ukyou said,
pocketing the cards. "How about afterwards?"
Anita started to glow, a pink aura drifting up like a cool
ILM special effect that costs 2 million to achieve.
"Is that a yes?" Ukyou asked.
Glowingly, Anita pointed to Akuma. "Darkstalker," she said.
"He's a Darkstalker! Ucchan, run! He's powerful!"
"What, that little boy?" Ukyou asked. "Come on, you've got
to be kidd--"
"HMMH!" Akuma grunted, leaping into the air with a whirlwind
of lightning-charged kicks, which connected solidly each time.
Ukyou spun around once and fell down, groaning.
Belldandy quickly levitated Anita out of the ring, much to
her protests. "Gomen kudasai, but it's started... you can't
interfere."
At least not directly, Anita thought. She started to think.
Ukyou started to defend. Akuma started to REALLY attack.
MATCH 8 : KIYONE vs. MIHOSHI
"Whoa! Whoa, wait a minute!" Kiyone exclaimed, as angels
pushed her into the ring. "We can't fight, we're partners!"
"Haaaai! I wouldn't want to hurt Kiyone-san!" Mihoshi
whined. "She's my bestest friend in the whole world!"
Kiyone crossed her arms, and sat down. "Nope, I won't do
it. Nothing you guys can say will make me attack my own partner.
It's not proper Galaxy Police officer behavior."
"Right!" Mihoshi cheered. "And we've been in the Galaxy
Police years and years, we should know! Heck, Kiyone and I even
were in the academy together for seven years!"
Actually, we were, Kiyone thought. Normally folks graduate
after three, but with Mihoshi being a constant nuisance and
accidentally ruining her reports and studying...
"And then we were Ensigns for years 'n years after that!
Remember, Kiyone-san? Those were happy times!"
...except for when Mihoshi accidentally pushed that Juraian
Senator into a pit of acid, and they got chewed out and held back
in the ranks for months without promotion...
...and there was the time that Kiyone was going to be
promoted to Special Agent status, but Mihoshi whined to her daddy
who was up in the echelon of GPO standing and pulled some strings
to block the promotion, so they could stay partners...
...and the tuna fish mishap...
...and all those transfer papers that somehow found their
way into a paper shredder or fireplace...
...and the...
...and...
...
Kiyone's left eye twitched.
"...so as you can see, we can't fight. We're buddies!
Right, Kiyone-san?" Mihoshi asked, smiling real big and happy.
Kiyone turned her blaster to 'Deep Fat Fry'.
"Mihoshi, PREPARE TO DIE!!!" Kiyone yelled, and proceeded to
go Postal all over the place.
*
"Ladies and gentlemen and other things!" Urd cheered into a
microphone. "In an effort to boost ratings and provide all of
you with even more senseless actions of violence to satisfy your
sick, voyeuristic barbarian tendencies--"
"Manners, Urd-neesan," Belldandy reminded from the
sidelines.
"--we have arranged two SPECIAL EXHIBITION MATCHES for your
voting pleasure! These fighters will be competing not for the
main prize, but for a... WHAT?!"
Urd stomped over to the guy holding the cue cards, and
grabbed him by the collar. "You've GOT to be kidding me!"
Belldandy stepped in for her sister, taking the megaphone,
which managed to keep her voice soft and quiet, just a louder
soft and quiet. "The winner of this mini-tournament will get to
go on a date with Urd. As mandated by the Lord."
"This job really stinks sometimes," Urd muttered. "At least
the winner will be the strongest. Maybe it won't be half bad--"
EXHIBITION MATCH 1 : KING HIPPO vs. EARTHQUAKE
Urd gaped, a look of terror crossing over her face.
"In this corner," Belldandy gestured, "Weighing in at over
four hundred pounds, we have the boxing champion King Hippo--"
"YEAH! I'm badder than bad!" the giant tub of lard in
entirely too small boxer shorts proclaimed, smacking his gloves
together. "Bring it on! This is gonna be fun!"
"And over here, weighing in at more than four hundred and
fifty pounds, one of the few american ninja. He specializes in
eating and train robbing and petty larceny, and his turnons are
white hair--"
Urd put on a hat.
"--and raw meat," Belldandy finished. "Please welcome the
challenger, Earthquake!"
"HRRNGG!!" the giant, day-glow orange wearing nearly
identical tub of lard grunted, flexing what was either muscles or
muscle-shaped rolls of fat. It looked like volkswagens trying to
park under his skin. "Gonna make ya into mincemeat, pal!"
Bell-sama wisely got out of the ring, as the two fighters
stomped towards each other, their footsteps measuring on the
Richter Scale. The progress was slow, considering the amount of
inertia required to heave that much material around.
"This is a joke, right?" Urd asked. "Please tell me He is
kidding."
"Don't worry, oneesan!" Skuld cheered. "You might like the
next two potential suitors He picked out for you!"
EXHIBITION MATCH 2 : KAMUI SHIRO vs. SEPHIROTH
Kamui floated across the Tokyo skyline, cape swirling behind
him in a way far superior to any Spawn movie effect. He lept
from building to building in the night air like a flying gazelle,
finally coming to a rest atop Tokyo Tower.
It wasn't easy being the psionically gifted savior and
destructor of the world. He was adjusting fairly well,
considering. He hadn't had a Pink Floydian surrealistic
flashback with religious imagery in a few hours now. Except
maybe for the goddess standing nearby.
"So you're saying if I fight this person, I'll be going on a
date with a goddess?" Kamui asked.
"That's the idea," Skuld smiled. "Interested?"
"This must be fate," Kamui nodded solemnly. "Again the
strange pull of my destiny, locked in the patterns of destruction
and creation, tugs at my path. The--"
"Ooooh, here he comes!" Skuld cheered. "Excuse me, I need
to get to safe distance." With that she travelled 150,000,000
metaphysical miles back to Heaven, leaving a satellite hookup
camera in her place.
There was a flash of lightning, and a very slender man with
long white hair and evil black clothing flew into Kamui's view.
"I take it you, mortal, are my opponent this evening? I see your
sword is as cool as mine."
Kamui gripped his sword. "Cooler."
"We shall see, poor weakling!" Sephiroth laughed, and
charged.
The people of Tokyo looked up. They knew an apocalyptic
psychic war megafight from hell when they saw one, and very, very
quickly got the hell out of town as the two bishounen black
wearing sword toting nuclear powerhouses of fate who frequently
have hallucinations started to tear the place apart.
"This is a very irresponsible use of television," Belldandy
commented, watching Tokyo get ground into powder while eating
popcorn.
"Who cares? At least these two are cute," Urd grinned.
"We'll be back in a few weeks with the results of the
round," Belldandy waved for the cameras. "Everybody vote, and
enjoy! Arigato!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
HERE'S YOUR CHANCE TO CAST THE DECISIVE VOTE THAT CHANGES FATE!!!
As is customary in reader-polled tournament fanfic, YOU decide
who wins what fights! If you've read this far, you're probably
interested in how it turns out, ne? It'll turn out how the
majority of readers decide. DON'T DELAY! Mail in this form
today! It takes very little of your time, and if everybody who's
enjoyed this series so far votes, we'll have a better fanfic for
all concerned.
When deciding, consider all of the following...
* Who conceivably would win, given the strengths of these
characters and their abilities?
* Who SHOULD win if you had anything to say about it, because
they deserve it?
* Who would make for a funnier fight later on if they won?
What would maximize your entertainment value?
* If you can't decide, perhaps you could flip a coin?
A couple notes, for when you consider :
* IF YOU VOTE AGAINST KASUMI, I PROMISE NOT TO HURT HER. :)
If you like Dan better as the victor, don't worry, Kasumi
will be eliminated painlessly, I'm not a sicko. (Or if you
like Kasumi better, vote for her.)
Cut and paste the following form, putting X's in the boxes where
appropriate, and mail to the given address. THE DEADLINE FOR
SUBMISSIONS IS OCTOBER 21st, 1997! After that, no more votes
will be accepted, and Round 2 will be tallied, written and in the
books. Good luck and may the weirdest one win!
.----------------------------------------------.
| ROUND 2 PAIRINGS : |
| |
| [ ] Dan vs. [ ] Kasumi |
| [ ] David vs. [ ] Splinter |
| [ ] Casey Jones vs. [ ] Kuroko |
| [ ] Mario vs. [ ] Naru |
| [ ] Nicotine vs. [ ] Sakura |
| [ ] Vermillion vs. [ ] B.B. Hood |
| [ ] SD-Akuma vs. [ ] Ukyou |
| [ ] Kiyone vs. [ ] Mihoshi |
| [ ] King Hippo vs. [ ] Earthquake |
| [ ] Kamui Shiro vs. [ ] Sephiroth |
| |
| Comments about the fic series so far : |
| ____________________________________________ |
| ____________________________________________ |
| ____________________________________________ |
| |
| MAIL TO : twoflowr@glue.umd.edu |
| SUBJECT : Tournament Voting Submission |
| DEADLINE : October 21th, 1997 |
`----------------------------------------------'
DO NOT E-MAIL A FORM IF IT IS PAST DEADLINE!
Do not e-mail empty forms!
Do not e-mail incomplete forms!
You'll be wasting my time and yours.
Be cool. :)
Thank you, and enjoy the rest of Spoof Chase's MAGICAL
TROUBLESHOOTING CROSSOVER FIGHTING TOURNAMENT BETA.
-Stefan Gagne