Mouhahahahahaha! Someone was actually crazy enough to ask me to do a
critique of his fic. So be it, ask and ye shall receive.
WoLF (that's me) pulls out his trusty C&C rifle and points it at the FFML.
BANG
/ \
/ \
/ \
ANIMANIACS:
FOR THE LOVE
OF THE MOON!
A C&C brought to you by: The Comment Patrol.
Greetings mortals! I, the Flashman have concoctied this, a story I
hope is a real side-splitter.
This fic is full of hilarious visual gags. If you've seen EVEN one episode
of Animaniacs, you will understand exactly what's going on. The fic is
light-hearted, slap-happy, silly and a lot of fun. I enjoyed reading this.
If you want a copy of this fic, send e-mail to the Flashman.
P.S.: What does "concoctied" mean? ^_^
And the show begins...
(Mamoru runs off leaving Usagi to start sobbing softly.
Try this:
Mamoru runs off, leaving Usagi who starts sobbing softly.
The cammera pans left to show MINAKO, spying on them, also crying.)
Try this:
The camera pans left to show MINAKO. She is crying too while she spies on
her friend.
(Minako is brought back to the present and is sitting in MAKOTO's apartment.
On her left, reading a newspaper, is AMI.)
I've noticed that a lot of the descriptive phrases are hard to follow. A
trick that I was given: Make them smaller or break them up into smaller
pieces. They are much easier to manage that way. Helps avoid tense
confusion, which always annoys the purists out there.
Try this:
(Minako is brought back to the present. She is sitting in MAKOTO's apartment.
(Minako catches a glimps of something on the paper and quickly snatches it
glimpse
>from Ami's hands. It takes Ami a second to relize that her paper has been
pilfered.)
WoLF: <SNICKER> I can almost see Ami staring at her empty hands trying to
figure out what's wrong. She might even flex her fingers a couple of
times to make sure it isn't her imagination.
Advertisement: Do you know people who had a relationship that ended but when
their apart they still act as if they love each other? Do you ever wish you
could do something about it? If your answers are "yes" call us at
Reconcilers 'R Us. Our helpful staff will help... but it'll cost 'ya.
WoLF: Uh Minako... is this a good idea? I've got a bad feeling...
I'm not complaining on how badly written the add is. I know EXACTLY who
wrote it. ^_~
Minako:(Who has been talking on the phone during Ami's words.) Ok then. I'm
paying by credit card. Yes, as soon as possible. (Hangs up.)
One question: Is she old enough to own/have a credit card?
(The Warners turn and see the girls. Of course Yakko and Wakko's eyes
become little pink hearts and Yakko jumps into Makoto's arms, while Wakko
does the same with Ami.)
Yakko&Wakko: HELOOOOO NURSES! (Promptly plant kisses on the girls cheeks.)
WoLF: WAAAAAAAA!!! Why do they get all the cute girls?
(The cammera zooms in on the ad and then the magnification is increased
camera on has 1 M. This error is repeated throughout the fic.
5,000 times to reviel in still very small print, "No refunds.")
(Dot picks up Makoto's crowbar and starts to try to pry Wakko off. When
this fails, Dot resorts to the tride and true method of bonking Wakko upside
the head with it. A large lump forms on Wakkos head, his hat popping up
several inches along with his skin and he falls to the ground.)
WoLF: Dot... meet Akane. I'm sure you two will get along famously.
(Before anyone can stop him, Wakko sinks his teeth in and bites off the
right ball on Usagis head. He chews, swallows the ball and slurps up the
pony tail like a strand of spaggeti. He burps and gets a strange look on
his face.)
WoLF: I had the strangest vision of Miaka (Fushigi Yuugi) from the episode
when Tamahome hit her with the Nunchuku, breaking the ribbon holding
her hair in a bun.
(Dot pulls out THAT little white box and slowly peels back the lid. This
time a three headed golden dragon pops out, roars, scares the living
daylights out of everybody and zips back in. Dot puts the lid back on the
box and puts it away. This is the last straw for Rei.)
This paragraph is fine. The phrases flow easily. I only had to read it
once.
Luna:(Whispers to Artimis inbetween chuckles) I... don't... think...
their... evil.
they're
(Usagi looks at them knowing something is up but not knowing what, she
decides to let it drop.)
Try this:
(Usagi looks at them, knowing that something is up. She decides to let it
drop, hoping that her curiosity will be satisfied later. She hated being
left in the dark.
Or something like that. Although, Usagi not following up on something like
this is a bit Out Of Character. She would typically beg/whine/plead to
know what's going on until someone either told her or something happened
to distract her.
(Later... Everyone except for Minako, the Warners and {because it's HER
apartment} Makoto has left.)
This phrase sounds weird. I had to read it several times to get it. I think
you should change the "has" for "have". I'm not sure though.
Makoto:(Grumbling while washing dishes) I didn't mean that they should eat
MORE then Usagi.
WoLF: <SNORT!> For some reason, I saw that coming. ^_^
ANIMANIACS:
FOR THE LOVE
OF THE MOON!
part 2
(It is the next day on a street corner in Tokyo. Usagi and Dot walk down the
street. They stop.)
In general, this whole story was written in the present tense. As such, try
to keep the action moving. Try this:
Usagi and dot are walking down the street. Suddenly, they stop.
Emphasis a bit the fact that things are happening now.
(Dot races off. Our view pans right until we see a blue van, inside which is
Yakko and Dot quickly gets on board. The inside of the van looks like
something out of an old spy movie. The Mission: Impossible theme starts to
play.)
Another face-lift here:
Our view pans to the right until we see a blue van which Dot is climbing
into. Yakko is already on board.
>From here on in, I'll leave the large descriptions alone. Make sure to
take a look at them though. Some of them are quite confusing.
Mamoru:(Fidgiting) Ummm... hi... Usagi... fancy... meeting you here.
WoLF: (sounding {badly} like Kasumi) Why hello Dr. Tofu.
Yakko:(Thinking) I've got to snap her out of it. (Aloud) Dot, listen to me.
Mel Gibson is becoming a priest.
Dot:(Stiffens) NOOOOOOOOOO! NOT MY MEL!!!!
WoLF: (Spits Wink all over the place) What?!
Starts laughing like crazy.
Mamoru:(Talking REALLY fast) OhwellIgottago, seeyouaroundUsagi. (Exits VERY
quickly)
WoLF: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Pathetic has left the building. ^_~
(Dot walks back on to see Usagi crestfallen. The girls eyes fill up with
Dot walks back to a crestfallen Usagi.
tears and Dot quickly pulls out an umbrella.)
WoLF: I wonder if tears could induce a Jusenkyu curse... oops!
Wrong series.
(Cut away to a shinto temple. Inside the temple are four of the Sailor
Senshi in civilian form {Rei, Makoto, Minako and Ami}. Rei is meditating in
front of a sacred fire. Ami is using her portable computer to scan Wakko.
Dot is going over some kind of plan with Makoto and Minako. Yakko is looking
at Rei intentley.)
Ah ha! Another example of good descriptive writing. Simple and easy to
follow.
Wakko: Cultural reference. (Smotches Ami on the nose)
Is that supposed to be ????????
smooches (I think that's how it's spelled).
Minako:(Sighs) Yeah. (Thinking as she holds out the credit card) Dad is going
to KILL me when he sees the bill for this month.
WoLF: So that's where she got the credit card. God help me if I were to ever
have a child like her. The next question is: Is a 15 year old allowed
to use a credit card?
Brains voice from inside: And why should I help you Warner brats with your
Brain's
plans?
(Cut to inside the lab. THE BRAIN {a mouse with a large head and small body}
and PINKY {a tall skinny mouse with buck teeth} are standing on a lab table
with Sailor Venus, Sailor Jupiter and the Warner Siblings standing around
them.)
WoLF: They're all standing on the table? Those mice are getting a great
view. @_@
(A laser beam and a bolt of lightning hit Brain and when the smoke clears
Brain is now totaly ash except for his eyes and nose. He retains his shape
for about a second before he falls into a pile. His eyes and nose stay
suspended in mid-air for a second before they fall on top of the pile.)
Put "As well" after the word pile.
Yakko: So what would you like? Popcorn? Gum drops? Dumplings?
Mamoru:(Confused) You don't have dumplings.
Yakko:(Points) Look behind you.
(Mamoru turns and sees Usagi in a white dress behind him.)
Usagi:(Cheerily) Hi.
Mamoru:(Jumps upwards several feet) Ahh! Umm... I mean "Ahh"llo.
Usagi:(Leans close to a very uncomfotable Mamoru and whispers) See you inside
Mamo-chan.
WoLF: Wow! If you're in the correct mindset (hentai), this whole sequence
has enough innuendos to... well, never mind.
P.S.: Change: Mamoru turns and sees Usagi in a white dress behind him.
to: Mamoru turns and sees Usagi in a white dress standing there.
(Usagi skips inside the main theater while Mamoru starts to sneak off for the
door. Unfortunatly, Dot and Wakko have already locked, bolted, barred,
chained, boarded and generally made sure that NO ONE is getting out.)
WoLF: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Pathetic is unable to leave the building.
Mamoru:(Pales and thinks) Maybe there will be a seat away from her. FAR away.
I can't tell her that the reason I can't be with her is because of those
dreams that warn me that if we stay together she'll die.
Wakko: That's a stupid reason.
Mamoru: Hey! That was an internal monolouge.
WoLF: HAHAHAHA Good one!
Flavio: Yes. There is one right next to that nice looking young girl if I am
not mistaken. Who knows, maybe you might get along with her like I do with
my precious large dumpling.
WoLF: OOOOOH!!!! Dumpling joke!
Mamoru: Now don't try to tell me that dumpling reference was unintentional.
WoLF: Uh...
WoLF (thinks): I should've read the whole fic before reviewing it. The
characters seem to know what I'm going to say before I do.
Mamoru:(Shakes his head) Sorry but your not going to get me to sit next to
Usagi. (Aside) No matter how much I want to.
Warners:(Sing song) Oh yes you arrre!
Mamoru: Oh no I'm not.
Warners:(Still sing song) OH YES YOU ARRRRRE!
Mamoru: Ooooh, no I'm not.
(Cut to scean of Mamoru tied up to the seat next to Usagi.)
Warners: OOOOOOH, YES YOU ARE!
Usagi:(Gushing) I'm so happy you could join me Mamo-chan.
WoLF: HAHAHAHAHA! Talk about the right of way going to the one with the
biggest artillery.
Usagi: What did you tell them Mamo-chan? (Her voice suddenly drops to a
threatening growl) and if you say that "I don't love you" excuse, I'll stick
my scepter where the sun doesn't shine!
WoLF: <Gulp>
Moon: Now... you are going to tell me the truth! (Her voice drops to a
frightening whisper) Or... ELSE!
(The Warner siblings are standing in the mouth of the alley.)
Dot: You tell him girl!
Yakko: Remember your promise about the scepter?
Wakko: Use it! Use it!
WoLF: Give him what he deserves!!!
Moon: You don't know how tempted I am to listen to them.
WATER TOWER VARIENT C (and my personal favorite):
(The Water Tower opens to show Yakko and Wakko.)
Yakko: Just in case you were wondering....
(Yakko and Wakko step aside to show a bound and gagged Chibi-Usa.)
Chibi-Usa:(As she strugles against her bonds) MMMPH! MMMMGGH!!!! (She spits
out the gag) GET ME OUT OF HEEEERE!
(The Water Tower closes.)
Water tower variant C is the best!!!
NOW IT'S...
THE END
WoLF removes the now empty clip from the C&C rifle and starts to clean it.
WoLF: Gee! I went through a lot of ammo on that one... but it was worth it.
Hey Flashman! I went looking through the FFML archive and didn't
find this story. How long ago did you post it? I don't recall
seeing it appear on the FFML at all.
As for the rest of you. If you've read this far, you must've found
either myself or the story amusing. Thank you for your time.
Have a good night.
WoLF packs away his toys and ambles out of sight... for now.
Disclaimer: No fanfic authors were harmed (I think) during the production
of this C&C.
___________
/ Here lies:\ "Oh my god! They killed Kenny!"
| Andrew | http://www.ugcs.caltech.edu/~ttant/SouthPark/
| |
| I think | Andrew Petalik {ICQ UIN: 160869}
| he's hungry | Want to cook a yummy cabbit? Go here:
| | http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/6808/cookcabbits.html