Tengu no EskyFlowne

Please ignore inconsistencies such as Dornkirk travelling with Folken in his citadel and Eskyflowne resembling an EVA unit more than anything else.. after all, this is only a fanfic.... a fanfic with spoilers.. you have been warned..


Cultural notes (the Japanese bit): Tengu is a mythical Japanese character invented a short period before the Meiji restoration, to ridicule the idea of Christianity. Tengu is the name given to a goblin character, allegedly Jesus Christ, who escaped to Japan to escape execution.To allude to someone being like the 'Tengu' is to imply that they are braggarts and liars. Popularly depicted as having a rather sizable nose. (Yes, sounds bizarre.. true though..)

- Day 1 -

<Dornkirk in his immense 'wheelchair', sitting on a balcony of his flying fortress, watching the sun rise with a sombre expression. Furrowing his brow, he seems deep in thought. Murmuring to himself quietly he forms intricate plans.>

Dornkirk:'........ hrmmmmm....'

Also Dornkirk:'.................'

Still Dornkirk:'...... hm?......'

<His expression softening, a leer slowly spreads across his face and splits his cragged features.>

'... hee, heee!!.....'

<Dornkirk abruptly jumps up in his seat, turns his back to the sun and pulls his trousers down while cackling maniacally.>

/... elsewhere...\

<Folken and Dirandau exchanging quizzical glances upon hearing the eerie sound in the darkened room. Dirandau's limbs are leisurely strewn across a large chair, one leg over an arm of the chair and his body leaning to the one side, his head resting in his palm, a finger stroking his scar. Folken is interrupted indulging in his favourite pastime, enigmatically gazing into space.>

Folken:'............'

Dirandau:'...... six am?'

Folken:'... must be.. Dornkirk is mooning the sun already.. '

<Folken smirks and casts a glance upon the packet of Mersyndol in his hand.>

Folky:'... heh, heh... let's see how you'll feel today without your sedatives, you old fart.. '

<Dirandau raises an eyebrow.>

Diru:'.. whuh?.. '

Folky:'.. ahem.. umm.. nothing.. just wondering where that pesky dragon will appear next..'

<Dirandau leaps out of his chair at hearing those words and becomes very animated and articulate indeed.>

Diru:'What?! Dragon?! Where?!!'

<Dirandau proceeds to smash things in the room, first knifing the innocent carafe of wine on the table and then the table itself and the chair. Folken retreats into a quiet corner, observing Dirandau with a pitying expression on his face while remaining protectively wrapped in his cloak, much like a sleeping bat. Having broken, maimed and thrown every single piece of furniture in the room and having screamed his head off, Dirandau rushes out towards the melef hangars. Folken grows a sweatdrop.>

Folky:'........... '

<Folken makes a mental note to reduce the frequency of Dirandau's hormone injections.>

- At around ten o'clock that same morning -

/.... on a quiet clearing somewhere in an Asturian forest...\

<Van's Gaimelef, the Eskyflowne, lies inert at the edge of the clearing, occasionally hiccoughing and shaking the ground just a little. He's (let's just give it a gender, shall we?) also hugging a large tree that he had earlier ripped out of the ground. Terrified chipmunks and squirrels flee the unfortunate tree to escape the frightening breath of the stricken Eskyflowne. A melef sized eski lies not far from him, cans of VB and ice spilling out onto the grass. Hitomi and Meruru are merrily singing something by the 'Bees' while attempting to walk in a straight line, supporting one another, with a can of VB in the free hand of each. Hitomi is wearing ugg boots and a flannel shirt.Van is practicing at the other end of the clearing, his opponent a vicious conifer. He's stumbling over empty cans of VB trying to keep his balance, swaying dangerously while taunting the unlucky plant. Allen is standing over the small brook that bubbles past them, his back to the others, a mysterious breeze affecting only him moves his hair and clothing. Scherezade is nowhere to be seen. On his face sits a mask of focused determination.>

Allen:'..... I..... must.... not....   barf.... '

<Hitomi and Meruru advance on the unsuspecting Allen.>

Hitomi:'Oi! You!! Yeah, yuu, pretty boooy!! *giggle*hic* Whooo!! C'mere!!!'

Meruru:<waving>'Aaaaalleeeeeeeen!!!!! Yuu goooowjas hunk of blond intellect!! Yooooo hoooooo!!!'

<As they near Allen, the plastered melef mutters something and gives birth to a gigantic hiccough, knocking Hitomi and Meruru into Allen's back. Allen promptly barfs in mid-fall, coming to rest with his head submerged in water. Hitomi and Meruru manage to scramble to their feet, their cans of VB still intact and half full with - by now - flat and warm VB.>

Meruru:'.... ?'

Hitomi:'... eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwww... '

<Hitomi and Meruru continue to examine Allen as he quietly drowns under their feet, regarding him now with contempt and disgust. Swaying back and forth, they stagger around in one spot for a while, trampling on Allen.>

Hitomi:'.... you can 'ave 'im... '

Meruru:'........ uh.... I think he's dead.. '

<Hitomi shrugs, her boredom evident.>

Hitomi:'... wha'eer...'

<Hitomi looks around and spotting Van, brightens a little as she weaves her way through the deceptively flat and obstacle poor clearing. Stumbling towards him, tripping on the occasional tricky tuft of grass, she coos to herself, eyelids drooping. Van, in the meantime, oblivious to everything else around him, continues to verbally assault the vegetation, because he can not land a hit. Meruru, finally grasping Hitomi's intention, 'races' after her, falling every half a meter. Allen in the meantime has managed to roll out of the stream and take a few much needed breaths.>

Meruru:'Hitomi, you *hic* tramp! Come back heere!! Hoow deeeere yuu do that to Vaaaaan samaaaaaa!! *stumble*'

Hitomi:'... aaawwwwwww, shut yer trap, ya bluddie cat... you've known the guy since you were kids and you still haven't managed to make a move on him.. you're hopeless!'

<Hitomi takes a swig of VB, some of it dribling down her chin. She then discards the relatively empty can by throwing it behind her. The can consequently connects with the advancing Meruru's skull, momentarily confusing her. Meruru loses balance and cops a faceful of dirt. Allen has since resumed his silent vigil, miraculously in an upright position.>

Hitomi:'.. coo.. coo.. cooooooo.. cooooooer...'

<Hitomi stealthily sneaks up on Van, who is still flailing his sword around and hitting little else but air. Hitomi finally reaches the unwitting king and throws her arms around him, embracing him from behind. The abrupt stench that accompanies Hitomi and her physical display of affection surprises Van. In his current state it is an experience that easily triggers a reflex which in turn calls forth his wings. Tearing through the back of his shirt, the wings spread outward, knocking Hitomi on the chin and out. Van, in his confusion manages to strike the nearest tree, his sword becoming stuck in it and knocking a loose branch free overhead. The branch lands with sufficient force to send Van to sleep. Van falls onto Hitomi, who's cooing in her unconscious state.>

Hitomi:'... coo coo.. coo coo...'

Allen:'.... *hic*....... Van... you didn't step forward enough...'


- Late arvo that very same day (yes, still) -

/.... cut to the floating fortress of Zaibach, Folken receiving news of the Eskyflowne...\

Hapless Minion #1:'... lord Folken.. we have located the Eskyflowne in a forest of Asturia... Van Fanel and Allen Schezar have been sighted... also the girl from the illusionary moon seems to be with them. Shall we initiate an attack, my lord?'

<Folken's eyes narrow, his visage turning dark.>

Folky:'.. hmmmmm...'

Folky:'.....................'

Hapless Minion #1:'.... my lord?'

Folky:'... hmmm? Oh, right.. attack.. yah.. excellent idea.. good.. good.. do it..'

Hapless Minion #1:'Shall we despatch master Dirandau and his squad?'

Folky:'.. yeah, yeah... whatever..'

<Minion exits bearing orders of attack, while Folken warily examines the now empty Mersyndol packet as he sways on his feet.>

Folky:'Maybe this was a bad idea..'

<Folken suddenly runs for the head, cape flapping.>

- Oh, give the poor guy half an hour to run around the place -

/.. Melef hangar, flying fortress..\

<Dirandau sitting in his Gaimelef, examining the destruction around him. Having vented his fury and having given free rein to his psychotic impulses, he has effectively destroyed this fortress' complement of melefs, save his own. Engineers and ground crew are running around putting out fires, fixing holes in the bulkhead etc. while the dragon slayers are cowering within the cubicles in the pilot's changing rooms. Enter Hapless Minion#1, bearing news.>

Hapless Minion #1:'.... ... uh.. perhaps it's not the best time.. I'll come back after your lordship has taken your medi.. erm... I mean .. feels a little better..'

Diru:'Speak!!'

Hapless Minion #1:'.... ah.. er.. that is.. an attack has been ordered by lord Folken. Scouts have located the dra'

Diru:'The dragon!!! Vaaaaaaaaaan!!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!!!'

Hapless Minion #1:'...... umm.. why, yes, your lordship.. they are to be destroyed. Van, Allen, the girl from the illusionary moo.. um.. master Dirandau?'

<The bearer of the orders watches the empty space occupied by Dirandau's melef until recently. Dirandau rushes towards the bay doors and jumps through them into the open air, almost taking some of the dangling equipment with him. As it is, he only manages to drag a few of the hangar crew past the bay doors..>

Diru:'Geronimooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!........... ?'

<Transforming into flight mode, Dirandau's melef flies off into the distance, soon to be lost over the horizon to those watching with relief from the fortress. At the same time, Folken is heading towards the conference room to speak with his master.>

Diru:'.... where the hell did he say they were again?.... *shrug*.. oh well.. I'll just fly around a bit and raze some villages until I find them...'

<Dirandau thinks a little more and decides he might even engage in a spot of cattle abduction and stomping around in crop circles out of sheer boredom.>



- ame time -

/.. Folken's comm room... \

<Folken is busying himself with pushing techy looking rods into their respective pedestals. The floor is covered with a heavy, smoky mist, lending Folken the illusion of walking on clouds. As the last rod sinks into its pedestal, the large round screen on the far wall illuminates and Dornkirk's face appears, composed of rough, grainy dots. Folken bows piously.>

Folky:'..... lord Dornkirk.. we have located the dragon...'

Donnie:'.......... hmmmmmm...'

Folky:'.............'

<Dornkirk idly plays with some switches on the terminal of his wheelchair, not paying much attention to Folken at all. While he mashes on buttons and adjusts gauges he mutters about the high cost of cable and missing the Tyson-Hollyfield match. When he does finally notice Folken, he seems surprised to see him and gives him a questioning look.>

Donnie:'........ hmm?'

Folky:'..... ??!...'

Donnie:'.... now, who were you again?....... '

<Folken grows an extremely large sweatdrop. His face grows dark and his eyes narrow.>

Folky:'.. uh... I'm your chief engineer, your commander in chief, your chief advisor, blahblahchief, chiefblahblah etc...'

Donnie:'... waitwaitwaitwaitwait... I know.. you're that guy on Sale of the Century, right?... umm.. nonono.. maybe it was that other one.. Bitchcraft or sumptin... or Maybe Herman's headless... My three sonzabitches?... Northern Overexposure!!'

<Folky rolls his eyes involuntarily, takes a few deep breaths and blinks slowly to dispel his abrupt feeling of faintness. It doesn't work, and he grows a few more sweatdrops. They are getting a little heavy and his neck begins to ache.>

Folky:'.... my lord.. do you know your own name?.......... ....... '

Dornkirk:'... uh.. um.. wait, I know I have it written down here somewhere... hang on a sec.. '

<Dornkirk flips a few more switches and the screen goes blank. When the picture returns, it depicts a clown of sorts wearing a large boofy red wig, a large red nose, oversized yellow overalls and a pair of ridiculously sized red boots. The clown smiles a lot and moves its limbs in an exaggarated manner. Folken stands dumbstruck, his mouth slightly agape, drooling. His eyes grow round and glaze over.>

Big Fat Clown:'.... are wa, TAIHEN!!!'

<The clown is seen inflating himself via his thumb and he rises into the air, swimming towards a big purple thing hanging onto several balloons and dear life. A bit of drivel drips to the ground from Folken's chin, who seems mesmerised by all of this. The next scene depicts the clown and the purple thing flying through the air and crashing through the roof of a cramped little house painted in garish colours. Upon landing, they are greeted by a huge bird thing with old fashioned aviator's goggles on its head.>

Big Bird With Goggles:'.... naisu taimingu, nee!!'

<Apparently the end of the show, the three characters laugh forcibly and a very annoying jingle is played. Now the scene changes to one of a dirt track somewhere and a pair of little four wheeled things racing. A rough, grating voice rumbles something not quite coherent.>

Voiceover:'... Supeedo pauwaaaaaaaa!!!!....... Monsutaa Zeddo!!!!!!!'

<Folken is now drooling profusely, a large pool of it collecting at his feet. The sequence shows the two little buggies performing various stunts at the edge of a cliff and on a rough track, the voiceover relentlessly warbling its important message. The sequence is repeated once more, perhaps to force the viewer to succumb to its suggestion. Following the termination of the second sequence, the logo of the Zaibach empire appears and a pleasant, albeit soulless female voice prompts the insertion of a two dollar coin into the slot at the base of the screen. Folke sighs heavily and murmurs to himself.>

Folky:'... world domination on a budget...*grumble*.... '

<Folken obliges and draws a few coins from his pocket. Fishing the appropriate piece from among the debris, the scrapes the chewing gum off the coin and inserts it. Dornkirk's image snaps back onto the screen, grinning idiotically. This time he's wearing a rubber glove on his head, lending him a bizarre 'poultry' look. Folken phases back into reality from his trance and his eyes focus on Dornkirk. Dornkirk plays with some more buttons, shifting restlessly in his seat, the rubber glove bobbing to and fro, making it look even more like a cockscomb.>

Donnie:'.. ha!! You thought I didn't know! .. well, I'll have the last laugh, young whippersnapper!! Ha!!'

Folken:'.. uh......'

Donnie:'..... my name is.... '

<Dornkirk leans forward and narrows his eyes, silently mouthing something, obviously reading text off screen.>

Donnie:'... my name is.. Dawncrack!! Yes, Dawncrack the munificent! Dawncrack the wise! Dawncrack the atavistic..'

Folken:(in a hushed murmur)'... atavistic turkey?...'

Donnie:'Ha, ha!! Joke son, joke..Dawncrack, get it?

Folky:'.......................'

Donnie:' .... too  fast for you eh?.. well, you were always a little slow.. no sense of humour, young people today.. that's why our economy's suffering...'

Folken:'...... ah.. ha, ha.. yes.. good one master.........'

<Dornkirk continues to recite his ode to himself, while Folken becomes increasingly uncomfortable, shifting his weight from one foot to another and grumbling quietly. When Dornkirk finally reaches the end of his litany, Folken gently reiterates his reason for contacting him.>

Folken:'... umm.. yeas, weeell... aaaaaaaaaaanyway.. I just thought you'd like to know about our having located the dragon, the Eskyflowne.. even as we speak Dirandau is flying to confront them, to eliminate the threat to our empire once and for all...'

Dornkirk:'... Dirandau?... aaah, whassizface.. you know, from that show.. yeah, I know him... it's on channel ten on Friday nights.. what is it... ummm.... bugger.. '

<Folken grows another few sweatdrops, an impossibly large number hanging from all around his head now, their weight threatening to unbalance him. He is forced to brush a few of them aside to be able to see the screen.>

Folky:'... uh.. Lord Dornkirk, you remember Dirandau? Right? ... our best pilot?.. the one we entrusted with the task of eliminating the greatest threat to our future? You know, light hair, psychotic crimson eyes, unstable personality, temperament of a pint sized doberman... nice boy, really, just forgets to take his vitamins sometimes..'

<Dornkirk looks up, concentrating on trying to put a face to the name. Finally succeeding (perhaps), he inhales sharply and shifts his weight in the chair excitedly.>

Donnie:'Aah, yes.. I know now.. yes, very nice boy.. kinda cute... when I have some spare time, I'd like to.. umm.. ahem...anyway.. so, yes.. you've sent him, did you? .. good, good.. I'm sure he'll bring back some souvenirs... anyway, isn't he the one who drives that big thing, you know.. that THING... the big red one.. flies around and such.. I can never remember its name.. what was it now.. the Alzheimers!! That's it!'

<Folken is wishing for a big gun at this point and a shot of whatever sedative is available.>

Folky:'.... yes.. the, um, 'Alzheimers'... the most fearsome weapon of the Zaibach empire.. the mere name strikes fear into the hearts of those who would oppose us...... '

<Dornkirk now sits back, pursing his lips, he places his fingers against them. Looking off into space somewhere to the side, he seems to contemplate something for a moment. Silence ensues, Folken becoming impatient. A few more seconds pass and Dornkirk looks back at Folken, as though having decided something important.>

Dornkikr:'... yes.. but, you know, I'm not really interested in dragons.. they have a tendency to be stringy and tough.. all bone and no meat.. see if you can chase up some chickens for me.. oh, and get me some fries with that, will you? ..... 'kirk out.. *chuckle*.... always wanted to say that..'

<Dornkirk punches a few more things on the dashboard of his wheelchair, sparks fly and the screen blinks dark, the rods slowly emerge from their pedestals. Folken stands there for quite some time, watching the blank screen. He then rummages around in his pockets and floating among a compact, some eyeshadow, maskara and lippie, he finds a bottle of some pills or other (most likely Dirandau's this time) and a box of tampons. Gingerly unscrewing the lid of the bottle, he counts five into his palm and sighing heavily, dry swallows them. As an afterthought, he reads the label.>

Folken:'.. Prozac.. miss Schezar.. take five tablets every two hours until finished or aneurism occurs...  hmmmm... *mumble*... I'd never be that lucky...*mutter*'

<Folken then walks to a panel on one of the walls and opens up a hidden closet. He then proceeds to remove all of his sweatdrops, adding them to his extensive collection. The drops clinking quietly, he closes the panel and walks to wards the exit, picking up his bucket of 'steaming' dry ice on his way.>



- The next day, early arvo -

/... obviously, quite some time passes to allow our 'heroes'.. umm.. main characters to recover from their little 'party'.. because we can't have them dying just yet.. back to the forest, we cut.. \

<Meruru is screaming like a wounded rhinoceros on heat (.. I'm sure they would emit some sort of sound..) while jumping around and pointing at the two forms lying on top of one another. Allen is nowhere to be seen. Eskyflowne is still clutching the tree, complete with dead beavers. Still asleep, he hiccoughs from time to time. Van slowly regains his consciousness, largely due to Meruru's vast vocabulary of various profanities and unabating output of high decibel shrieks.>

Van:'..... whah? What are you screaming abou...  ...... O.o.....?!!'

<Van suddenly notices his shirtless state, and the fact that he seems to have spent a lot of time sleeping on Hitomi, who is wearing a rather lecherous grin on her face right now. Snoring contentedly, not even Meruru's indignant cries of protest are having an effect on her. The whole scene suggests a rather obvious course of events that took place on the previous day/night. Also quite obviously, Meruru is not happy with this. Van is just scared by this, regarding the sleeping Hitomi with some wonderment, some confusion and a great deal of disgust. The flannel shirt (complete with the smell of stale VB which also graces her school skirt in sporadic splotches) and ugg boots serve merely to reinforce Van's overwhelming sensation of repulsion. He climbs to his feet, regretting it immediately.>

Van:'Ow!... owowowowowowowow... OW.... umm... do you remember what happened last night?'

<Van looks to Meruru questioningly, who's calmed down a tad, but is still furious and not very hung over, it seems. Except for a nasty bump on her forehead and grass and dirt streaking her face, she seems perfectly normal (as far as catgirls go).>

Meru:'No!.. and what did you do with that.. that... HUSSY?!'

<Meruru points at the aforementioned Hitomi and fixes Van with a stare that would pierce kevlar and melt Endeavour's tiles. Van takes a few uncertain steps backwards, crushing a few empty cans in the process. Meruru follows him with burning eyes, making a point of stepping on Hitomi's hand as she passes her. Meruru suddenly gathers up a few relatively empty cans and starts bombarding Van with them. Van cops cans to various parts of his anatomy, most memorably to his head and groin. Giving in under the onslaught, Van loses his footing and falls onto his back, bruising his kidneys on rocks and cans alike. Meruru, her anger sated for the moment, holding her nose in the air, sniffs indignantly and marches off somewhere. Van straggles to his feet and looks around. Noting the absence of Allen, he doesn't seem particularly bothered. Leaving Hitomi where she is and giving Meruru a wide berth, he goes to check on Esky. Said melef is still clutching the tree and is snoring softly. The tree worries Van a bit but the snoring assures him that his melef is still largely intact. Picking up a dead, stiff beaver, he begins the lengthy process of waking the mecha up, beating its head with the dead mammal.>



- At that very moment -

/.... off the beaten track, somewhere not all that far from Van, Meruru, Hitomi and Esky... as yet...\

<Allen trudging along, carrying three army style gasoline canisters, one in each hand  and the third strapped to his back. Every five minutes or so he stops to drink from one of the canisters. His gait also becomes increasingly less even and his steps uncertain. As he labors on, he mutters to himself.>

Allen:'... .... *hic*...... *mutter*...... bastards... pawning my Scherezade for beer... just 'coz I ran out of gas... *hic*.. well, I'll show'em... yeah.. I'll git me some gas... fill my baby up.. and then.. and then... '

<At this point, Allen becomes a little confused, but after a moment's thought, he continues unperturbed.>

Allen:'..... I'll think of something later.. ... '

<Allen stops again to relieve his thirst.>

Allen:'... *mutter*.. good thing I filled these up wif booze... otherwise I wouldn't get far in this place...'

<Allen continues to wander around in wavy, uneven concentric circles and actually manages to stray further and further away from Hitomi and the others. Occasionally he bumps into Ryoga who's trying to find his way to Ranma's house and the big bad and stupid wolf who had completely buggered up the roadsigns pointing out the shortcut to grandma's house.>


- Oooh, about five minutes later -

/.... back at the clearing.....\

<Van, having finally succeeded in rousing Esky, puts the beaver down and orders the melef to salvage the remainder of the beer, while he goes off in search of Meruru. He finds her nailing a facsimile of Hitomi to a small tree, a headband fastening a number of lit candles to her head. She hisses as she does this and a malicious frown graces her face. Van sees it wise to approach from upwind and from a direction where Meruru can see him. It would not be wise to surprise her right now. As he cautiously approaches he clears his throat nervously and gathers his thoughts.>

Van:'.. um... ah.. say, Meruru, what are you doing?'

Meruru:'... diediediedie.. *grumble*... *hiss*... *nyaff*... *grrrrrrrr*... tramp....'

Van:'........... .......... uh.. '

<Van tries a more diplomatic approach.>

Van:'... umm.. why is it that you don't have a hangover, anyway?'

<Meruru, intent on her task, sticks her tongue out of the corner of her mouth and ignores Van. Van stands in silence for the next few minutes while Meruru, intent on completing her task, continues to hammer away. Van seems to struggle for words, starting to say something on several occasions, but halting just prior to speaking. He looks around nervously and scratches himself, then picks his nose. Meruru pounds the doll a few more times, then, apparently happy with the results, stomps off towards the eski for breakfast with a timid Van in tow. By the time Van arrives at the eski, Meruru is shotgunning her second VB. As Van approaches, Meruru pauses.>

Van:'...............'

Meruru:'...... either she goes or I go...'

Van:'.... ??.... !!...... uh.. we can't leave her.. she's the only one who can use the pendant... we need her to find more beer..'

<Van looks at Meruru almost pleadingly, and to his relief sees her expression change to one of horror. The thought of a beer-less existence evidently scaring her even more than Van. Glancing inside the giant eski, Meruru notes the small amount of cans left with trepidation.>

Meruru:'... you're right... we need to wake her, quick.. we only have six slabs left!!'

<Now Meruru's eyes begin to water, her voice quavering, desperation and fear evident in her visage. Van chokes on his words, looks at his toes as he takes Meruru's hands in his, then looks at her again with tears streaking his face.>

Van:'..... Oh, Meruru.. what shall we do if we can't wake her?.. we'll be stuck in this shithole without beer!!'

<Meruru and Van break down into sobbing, quivering masses of jelly. In the meantime, Esky has stuck the tree back into the hole from which it was ripped - albeit the wrong way up - and he's planted the beavers in a nice even row next to the tree, with their hind legs and tails sticking out. Esky mutters to no one in particular.>

Esky:'.. hmm.. something's not quite right about that tree... *shrug*.. oh well..... we must get out of here just in case though.. the RSPCA and the greenies may be onto us... if they sue us we're dead meat... I'm still on parole for assaulting that pack of tapirs last week.... '