RPM - acct 3/5 wrote:

[SCENE: kitchen, early morning.  Ranma and Ataru are there, looking
   like they just woke up.  The television is showing the morning
   news, there's two cups of steaming coffee on the table, and Washu
   is behind the grill, cooking something.  A doorbell ringing
   disrupts the tranquil scene, along with an odd sort of whirring
   noise.]

When did these two (Ranma/Ataru) drink coffee?Ranma drinks tea the times
I've seen him.
Don't know what Ataru drinks...

[CAMERA: Ranma opens the door.  A large, seven foot tall purple
   mecha-suit with two gun-mounted cannons stands patiently.

MECH-SUIT: excuse me, is Nuku-Nuku in?

RANMA: (with a surprisingly calm demeanor) Ah... yeah.  Lemme check.
   (closes the door very slowly, then heads off camera)

I don't think I agree with this "calm demeanor".Ranma, despite his
experience with the abnormal,
is still often taken aback when confronted with events
beyond his experience.

Now, once he finds out it's for someone other
than him, I can see him calming down because
he's already seen what this group encounters.

CAMERA:  Urd, Washu, Ranma, & Kyosuke are seated at the table, eating
         breakfast.  At the moment, breakfast is a surprisingly large
         boiled egg with a side of bacon and toast.

If Washu was grilling something earlier, wheredid the egg come from?

URD:  Hey, where's the kid?

KYOSUKE: kid?

Capitalize.  I won't mention it again; I assume you'regoing to correct
grammer and stuff later.

RANMA: Well, yeah, but... egg of what?

He might take a few wild guesses like ostrichesunless it's beyond even
that.

KYOSUKE:  Ah.... (sees that now even Ranma has gone ahead and started
          eating.  He shrugs and joins in.)  This isn't bad.

(Suddenly, there's a *THWAP* sound and the camera goes black)
=============================================================
=========

   "Hey," said Kasuga, "I don't know if the station is gonna put up
with that for much longer."

Be consistent.  Either he's "Kasuga" or "Kyosuke".Personally I'd lean on
the latter as you are referring
to everyone else by their given names.

Ataru's voice:  Hey, this ain't bad.

Washu's voice:  You'd expect anything less from my cooking?

(moment of silence)

Ataru's voice:  You cooked this?

Washu's voice:  Why are you looking at it suspiciously?

Ataru's voice:  I've had bad experiences with alien cooking.  Hey, I'm

                not going to turn into a wombat after eating this, am
                I?

Washu's voice:  Don't be ridiculous.

Oh come on...Given Washu's personality and the general
antipathy that Ataru has generated for himself
among the group, she should play with his
mind some...
("Wait a minute...wasn't that the egg over there?").

   "I don't know," said Kyosuke, sounding doubtful.  Actually, he
didn't feel like getting into any embarrasing situations, possibly
involving girls, that would get Madoka upset.  The last thing he
needed now was an upset Ayukawa.

Again, be consistent with the family/given names.It might confuse
readers.

   Mamoru stared at the pins, determined to at least not lose by a
ridiculous margin again.  Humiliation on public television was
bad enough.  Humiliation live in public was something he didn't need.

In general, I disagree with the bowling sequence.Nuku^2 (with her
computer targetting) I can
accept.
Urd, unless she's cheating with "divine power", does not
necessarily know how to bowl, even if she is the "Goddess
of Love". (Granted, I don't think it's out of char for her
to cheat though...)
Similar for Washu, just because she's a "super-genius",
she doesn't necessarily know how to bowl.

I personally bowled in a league before and have taken
classes.  Trust me, even if you know *exactly* where to
place the ball, how to line up and how to deliver, it's
a far cry from actually getting it down physically
(unless you practice like the pros).

Also, I'd mention that Kyosuke himself is not
beyond a little cheating when being shown up
too hard (in tennis, skiing, boat rowing and
other events in the past in the real KOR).

More comments later tonight; I gotta run.

Stephen Tsai
--
Kimagure Productions|Nephrite:  [Exasperated.]  Yes, it's
    --present--     |a dark evil mark!
 Orange College #31 |Man:  [Shocked.]  Ahh...  I just
  Sailor Ranma #18  |wanted to knowwhere the bathroom was.
   *Coming Soon*    |Nephrite:  ...
Stephen Tsai        |
stsai@netcom.com    |Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Ranma #18

http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Ginza/1604/