Sarah: hello there fanfic world, its time yet again for another joyful
romp through a fanfic.
Eric: you're in a cheerful mood tonight
Sarah: and surprisingly enough, you're not.
Eric: *shrug* its been a long day?
Sarah: a likely story, you had a run in with the red haired demoness
again?
Eric: uhhh no.
Sarah: well lets see here this sounds interesting a fanfic based on that
Stupid movie with hugh grant.
Eric: okay lets hop in.
Emperor Stephen The Mega Man Schlueter wrote:
I know what your thinking. How can someone like me suffer so much during
the writing of one fanfic and immediately start on another. The answer
Sarah: actually i had no clue you had done another fanfic so no i wasnt
thinking that.
is... I have too much free time. Though I did get a pretty good
response, though at least one person thought the ending was a little
clich�, though if the 'getting hit over the head' thing wasn't a
giveaway about the ending I don't know what is. I actually came up
Eric: this sounds interesting which fanfic was it?
with
the idea for this fanfic over a year ago but I just never got around to
writing it. So here I am with my latest item: Ranma 1/2: Four Weddings
And A Catastrophe. I'd like to start by saying NO! THIS DOESN'T HAVE
ANYTHING TO DO WITH THAT STUPID MOVIE WITH HUGH GRANT!!!
Sarah: damn and here i was ready to trash it, i suppose i'll have to do
without.
Eric: humm then this could be interesting, i love catasprophes.
Anyway this is the story of how Genma and Mr. Tendo plotted to marry
Akane and Ranma before Shampoo or Ukyo or anyone else had a chance to
destroy the relationship. But they stupidly sent invitations top both
Ukyo AND Shampoo. Of course Kodachi also finds out about this and
devises a plot of her own. So what do you wind up with? Four girls all
set up to marry the same guy who really doesn't want to get married at
Sarah: isnt this sorta like the end of the manga?
Eric: i'm not sure considering i've only ever heard a synopsis of it.
all. I'm not about to say whether Ranma gets married or not or if he
does to who. One thing I will tell you is IT WON'T BE KODACHI!!! I may
Sarah: damn then its not any fun.
Eric: i'd like to see a fic where Ranma chooses Kodachi of his own free
will.
not be the most normal person in the world but that is just too insane > a
concept to be workable, even for Ranma 1/2! Lastly, I have no idea
Eric: oh you never know a little tweak here and there...
about
weddings in Japan, so I had to go with the standard kind. So please
refrain from sending me irate E-Mails about this.
Sarah: *stops typing and looks up* oh... well then this has to go.
So here it is... The fanfic I've been waiting a year to write!
-The Emperor
Eric: well a bit presumptious arent we?
Sarah: *shrugs* all emperors are eventually dethroned.
Eric: anyways, i was thinking of starting something new tonight, we're
inviting my ferrets to join in on the discussion. Whiskey! Tequilla!
(Two ferrets immediately run out and attack Sarah's feet making joyous
gumping sounds)
Sarah: ahhhhh I'd blast them... but they're so cute!
Whiskey & Tequilla: >gump<!
Eric: heh...
Ranma 1/2: Four Weddings And A Catastrophe
By Stephen Schlueter
This story is dedicated to my cat, Shampoo. Without her continuous
Eric: go sic'her you two!
W&T: >gump<?
attempts to chew on my hands I never would have made absolutely certain
Sarah: as opposed to having your feet attacked by two evil...yet
adorable little ferrets?
she was not going to bite me be keeping my hands on my keyboard.
Introduction:
At first glance the country of Japan seems to have an overpopulation
problem. After all the city of Tokyo alone has roughly the same
Eric: sometimes at third or fourth glance.
population as Canada. Maybe the Japanese just don't know when to stop
having kids.
Sarah: or maybe they just have too much fun making them.
But certain suburbs of Tokyo have a much lower population density. One
in particular, which I have been told is called Nerima (though this may
be an elaborate practical joke intended to screw me up). Anyway,
needless to say, there is a very good reason why this particular suburb
doesn't have a large population. Namely, if it did the majority of > them
W&T: >gump<?
Eric: you said it.
Sarah: what? oh the them.
would be dead by now. It would probably be safer living close to an
active volcano.
Eric: not unlike hawaii.
But I'm sure you already know all this and are asking: "What does this
have to do with the story?" The answer is.. nothing. I thought it
Sarah: ahh a sense of humor to cleverly lead us astray.
W&T: *attack Sarah's feet again*
sounded clever so I put it in.
Anyway, this is apparently one of the last places on earth where parents
arrange their children's marriages. Though these days most of the
children express their disapproval of this by doing sever physical
damage to their parents and/or their betrothed. Some of these parents
Sarah: so its like being married but only you're not and this time you
throw the prospective in-laws in the mix
are also fairly dimwitted. These are the types who set up the weddings
in order to prevent the interference of say competitors for the groom
but will still send the competitors invitations to the wedding. Which
seems really dumb when you think about it.
Sarah: more gifts that way, the parents are also greedy.
This is of course the story of such a problem between two people who are
engaged to each other and are not concerned in the slightest of
expressing their hatred of each other. This often results in severe and
permanent property damage as well as insults and people beating each
other with large blunt objects such as tables, pieces of buildings and
Upperclassman Kuno. This is also the story of the three competitors
Eric: dont forget spatulas
for
the would-be groom, one of whom is a psycho who looks like one of the
worst nightmares of Anne Rice. And finally this is the story of the
Sarah: oh i dont know theres's that rather disturbing scene of lestat
sucking blood in Memnoch
Eric: oi dont remind me of that.
dimwitted fathers and anyone else who happens to show up.
Prologue:
"Tomorrow sees undone what happens not today. Indecision brings delays.
Days lost lamenting lost days."-Ryoga Hibiki
W&T: >gump<
Eric: oh shut up its not my fault.
The cold night swept over the city of Tokyo. A cold, harsh wind rattled
the windows of the Tendo Training Hall.
Sarah: you shouldnt use cold twice in the same paragraph.
All was essentially normal, if you could call life in the Tendo Hall
normal. Happosai as off in his room taking inventory of what he had
Eric: relatively normal. Happosai was
stolen during the week. The three Tendo girls sat in the living room
talking about whatever it is that they usually talk about. Ranma-Chan,
Sarah: oh very descriptive.
W&T: >gump<!
Eric: exactly, it might be funnier to come up with a mock conversation
topic.
exhausted from the events of the day was off in a corner of the living
room snoring quietly.
Eric: why wont he sleep upstairs and if he just fell asleep why would he
crawl into a corner first?
W&T: >gump<.
Sarah: a plot device you say?
Genma Saotome and Soun Tendo, however, were not up to their usual
activities. They were standing out in the garden having an unusual
conversation.
Sarah: this is unusual in what way.
Eric: normally the play shogi and have an unusual conversation
W&T: >gump<
"I think we've run out of options, Saotome." began Mr. Tendo "Shampoo
and Ukyo are too great a threat to the relationship. Getting those two
to get along is hard enough as it is without them as additional
interference."
Sarah: our only option is too call in my friend guido to *ahem* take
care of the situation.
Eric: are you threatening my beloved Ukyou?
W&T: >gump<
Eric: huh, oh yeah she is too.
"So what do you suggest we do, Tendo?" asked Genma.
Mr. Tendo began to explain his plan.
Sarah: i knew it Tendo has connections to the mafia.
Eric: how else would you explain how he keeps the place running and the
bills paid.
W&T: >GUMP<
Sarah: well there is nabiki.
"Oh dear..." began Kasumi in her typical motherly fashion "Look at the
time. I never realized it was so late."
Akane yawned. "I can believe it."
"Oh, what are we going to do about Ranma?" asked Kasumi "I'd hate to
wake him up but he can't spend the whole evening down here."
"Well, unless he starts sleepwalking it's going to have to be one or the
other." said Nabiki looking over at the snoring lump that was
Ranma-Chan.
Sarah: when has anyone actually been nice to ranma?
"I don't know, Tendo.." said Genma trying to ignore the cold wind "They
really aren't going to like it."
Eric: when has that ever stopped you.
"Maybe so.." said Tendo "but it's the only option left... and we can't
let Akane or Ranma know about this until the plans are set."
Genma grumbled slightly. "I never did like planning weddings..."
Sarah: just arranging them.
W&T: >gump<
Eric: well said you two.
Nabiki and Akane carried Ranma across the room. Akane had his feet and
Sarah: this is odd i never thought Akane would be nice to Ranma like
this, i'm surprise he hasnt woken up.
Eric: he is a heavy sleeper.
Sarah: *screams as the ferrets attack her feet again*
Nabiki had his shoulders. Ranma-Chan however didn't wake up.
"At least he's lighter as a girl." said Nabiki.
Akane grumbled something to the extent of 'We should have just dumped
cold water on him'.
Eric: or hot.
Just then Akane, not paying attention to what she was doing, tripped and
fell over backwards launching Ranma-Chan out of Nabiki's hands and
though the sliding door out into the pond in the garden causing a
tremendous splash that caused Genma and Mr. Tendo to stop talking and
turn towards the pond. The three girls rushed to see what had happened
just as Ranma-Chan came sputtering to the surface.
"You know..." she grumbled to the three girls staring out from the
doorway "some people take slightly less drastic measures when they try
and wake someone up."
Sarah: like hitting you over the head with a mallet?
Genma and Mr. Tendo went over to help Ranma out of the pond.
Eric: a fairly uneventful start but we know that Genma and Soun are up
to no good.
Sarah: *letting a little green glow build up around her* I always hated
those two.
W&T: >gump<
Chapter One: The Guy Is Always The Last One To Know.
"What fates impose that men must needs abide."
-Upperclassman Tatewaki Kuno
"Miss Kuonji... your mail!"
Eric: mmmm Ukyou
Sarah: you know if you like it her so much why did you just put her
through hell in your last fic?
Eric: mmmm..... Ukyou.
SaraH: maybe thats an answer.
Ukyo came from behind the grill to pick up the three or four envelopes
that had been delivered.
Sarah: ahhh she's become a jack in the box.
The morning was quiet, which to anyone else might have been a blessing
considering the usual chaos that runs rampant around the neighborhood.
Ukyo just found it boring. Tsubasa, who Ukyo normally banished from
W&T: >gump<
Eric: of course she would find it boring, cuz one gets used to chaos in
the life.
Sarah: you mean like misery?
Eric: Quiet you!
her
sight, was out picking up shipments for the restaurant. Ukyo figured
Eric: Ukyou uses Tsubusa?
Sarah: thats sooo cold.
W&T: >gump<
Eric: you take that back.
if
he, not that it was easy to refer to Tsubasa as 'he', was going to be
around so much he may as well be doing something useful. The early
Eric: good see she has a reason and he is annoying.
Sarah: she could kill the world and you'd probably forgive her.
Eric: mmmm.... ukyou.
hours
had proven to be incredibly quiet or specifically dull. Ukyo began to
wish she had gone out to get the supplies herself.
Ukyo flipped through the letters, most were junk mail. The fourth was an
invitation of some kind. The return address was the Tendo Hall. Why
would she get an invitation from them? Ranma hadn't mentioned any formal
events to her.
Eric: humm why dont you open it and find out?
Ranma walked down the street towards Uuchan's restaurant. He decided to
get out of the house early that morning for fear of how Akane would wake
him up. This was a serious fear considering last night's incident.
Sarah: thats a very real fear. btw you used fear twice.
Eric: you could try using concern in the second sentence.
Then
there was the matter of the nightmare.
Eric: now is that any way to refer to your future bride?
Ranma had a recurring nightmare that came around every so often. It
always started the same and ended the same...
Sarah: i wonder how long he has had the nightmare then. it is sort of
implied that this was a new thing.
Qinghai province, China. The mountain ridge and dense foliage of trees
stretches off into the distance. In the center of the whole scene is
Jusenkyo, the legendary training ground of accursed springs.
Ranma stands on one foot n one of the numerous bamboo poles sticking out
of the springs. There's no one else there.
The water level starts to rise...
The springs start to flood the plains until the land slowly disappears
into the water....
But the water level doesn't seem any higher. It's almost as though the
water level stayed the same and the land had sunk under it. Ranma
Eric: or Ranma's pole grew.
Sarah: ahh someone must be playing a game of populous.
looks
around him. No signs of life anywhere. The sky seems to grow darker.
Sarah: *getting a slightly crazed look in her eyes* oh no not again... I
hate prophecy!
W&T: *run under the chair and attack her feet again*
Eric: *grins evilly at Sarah*
The
rest of the bamboo poles sink into the springs.
A large form launches itself from the spring. Ranma looks up as the form
slows. It's a panda. The panda attacks. Ranma desperately tries to dodge
that attacks but there's nowhere else to go....
Nowhere to run....
Nowhere to hide...
Ranma is knocked from his perch by the enraged panda. While the
Eric: film at eleven
Sarah: *eyes regain their focus* where are you hiding those drafts!
Eric: what drafts you're just imagining things.
distance
between the top of the pole and the spring is only a few feet it seems
like more. SPLASH! The water seems to be attacking him. Ranma flails his
arms about as the water tries to suck him under. He yells for help but
some how his voice is different, a higher, more feminine pitch. The
water that splashes on his head leaves streaks of bright red in his
black hair. Suddenly his clothes seem bigger. But they're not he's
gotten smaller. Ranma makes a final desperate attempt to get a hold of
something, anything. But he doesn't and sinks into the dark waters of
the spring.
This had been a particularly creepy nightmare last night since around
the time the nightmare was at it's end he had suddenly been launched
into the spring in the Tendo garden. Ranma sighed and continued down the
street.
Sarah: *screams again and ducks behind the the desk, the ferrets follow
and immediately attack her*
Eric: thats pretty neat description there of teh dream but it could be
cleaned up a bit.
"Hey! Uuchan!" Ranma said as he entered the small okonomiyaki shop.
Eric: I think thats Ucchan. *looks over his shoulder to contemplate
Sarah being attacked by his two pet ferrets* Heh i finally got the upper
hand on her.
But
Ukyo didn't seem very happy.
Eric: curse you Ranma you made Ukyou unhappy.
Sarah: *fights off the two ferrets and returns to her seat while the
ferrets attack her feet* I'm going to get you for this.
Eric: but they're so cute...
Sarah: aww yes they are..
Actually she seemed really ticked off.
Eric: Curse you Ranma!
"Why didn't you tell me about this??!!!!" Ukyo shouted.
"T-tell you what?!" asked Ranma stunned by the sudden outburst.
Ukyo thrust the invitation in his face.
Eric: down his throat and into his stomach.
It was a wedding invitation. HIS wedding. HIS wedding he didn't even
know about.
"This can't be right." said Ranma as he stared at the small card. Just
then he noticed something. "This looks like pop's handwriting."
Eric: Curse you Genma!
Sarah: *powerblasts Eric across the room* shut up willya?
Ukyo never trusted Genma Saotome. And with good reason. He had tried to
pull a fast one on her before.
Sarah: thats an understatement.
Ranma, figuring he should go talk to is father about this and then kill
him, snuck out of the shop.
Eric: how did he manage that?
Sarah: that whole encounter seems so fake. Ukyou might react a little
strong i think.
Ukyo went into a storage closet and took out a fairly old looking box.
Inside the box were invitations. She had been saving them for her own
wedding. If Genma Saotome wanted to con her gain he could go ahead and
Eric: *sniffs* poor Ukyou, btw it should be con her again
try.
This was war....
Cologne looked over the invitation. She scratched her head. How stupid
would someone have to be to send Shampoo an invitation to a wedding that
she was obviously going to try to stop?
Sarah: Cologne has obviously underestimated Soun and Genma's stupidity
Eric: Unless humm maybe they're leading them astray, you know sending
them to some remote location while those two get Akane and Ranma married
else where.
Sarah: good guess.
Shampoo was digging through the closets looking for certain wedding
oriented items that had gone into storage.
Cologne started copying the date, time and address from the invitation
sent by Genma to the invitations she was sending out.
Genma Saotome had made a crucial error... and they were going to take
advantage of it.
Sarah: you know if what you suspect is true, then i dont think Cologne
would be stupid enough to fall for it.
Ryoga Hibiki stumbled into his house. It had taken him roughly a week to
find his way home. This was one of the major reasons why he normally
stayed near the Tendo Hall. The only reason he usually went home was
Eric: but he doesnt, he's ended up in the oddest of places.
so
he could drop off whatever artifacts he had acquired during his travels
and occasionally reading his mail. He decided to read his mail first.
Most of it didn't look important but one letter had come from the Tendo
Hall. So he read it first.
Eric: Curse you Ranma!
Sarah: *struggling to save her shoes from the ferrets* thats it!
Eric: wait i was just imitating Ryouga.
Chapter Two: The Stupidity Of Genma Saotome
Eric: its a given.
"Don't you know I've got no idea from this point on."
-Ranma-Chan (from the Ranma 1/2 OAV opening theme)
Two days later, after severe beatings from his son, Genma Saotome sat in
front of a pile of paperwork. By now he wasn't even reading it. He
wouldn't have noticed if, say, two extra marriage licenses with
different names on them had somehow gotten into the pile. He just signed
them and went on. It was getting late and he didn't care anymore.
Eric: boy are people acting stupid in this one.
W&T: >gump<
Sarah: *now shoeless* you said it.
Ranma hadn't told Akane about the invitations that Genma had sent out.
Eric: oh yes its much safer to let her find out on her own.
He figured that the wedding was just another doomed plan. After all,
every plan that Genma and Mr. Tendo had come up with to date had been
inexplicably stupid.
Sarah: and if they arent planning something intelligent on this one...
Ranma often questioned the sanity of those who wanted to marry him. He
was not normal. The nightmare was a constant reminder of that. Who on
earth, in their right mind, would want to marry him? HE was half-girl!!
Eric: a little problem with self esteem
Ranma recalled the time Ukyo had found out about his curse. It had been
during his attempt to break up Ryoga and Akane by pretending to be
Ryoga's fiancee.
"You're not Ranma, are you?" Ukyo had said accusingly.
"I'm not?" said Ranma-Chan.
"My Ranma's twice the man he oughta be...." Ukyo had said.
This had been good news since that meant that he still had a normal
amount of masculinity.
Eric: of course later she took great delight in switching him back and
forth.
"They'll never go through with it..." Ranma grumbled to himself. It had
been three weeks since the invitaion incident and now Ranma was standing
in his room wearing a tux. He could hear Akane shouting several things
from down the hall, none of which he could make out.
Sarah: probably threatening to kill everyone and wielding a very large
mallet in the process.
Genma had ordered the tux custom made with material that was resistant
to water damage for obvious reasons. On the lapel was a small gold pin
with the initials RS.
Ranma's mind raced. How was he going to get out of this? How did he get
into this? Why hadn't he done something earlier?! Because his father was
an idiot! That's why! He had never expected the old man to get this far
with this stupid plan.
Now he was trapped...
Nowhere to run...
Nowhere to hide....
And he didn't even have the slightest clue as to what was going to
happen next...
Eric: it sounds like a song.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Note: This fanfic has nothing to do with 'The Wedding: For And Against'
which was posted a couple of days ago. I didn't even know about this
item since when I'm writing a fanfic I rarely have time for anything
else such as planning on how to torture every idiot who wrote a book
about the OJ Simpson trial by forcing them to listen to five staraight
hours of the worst songs of Barry Manilow. This usually results in about
nine hundred thousand E-Mails that I don't even know about.
Sarah: well what do you think.
Eric: its eerily familiar to the synopsis i read of Volume 38
W&T: >gump<
Eric: i'm forced to agree with those two. The problem with the story is
that it drags.
Sarah: and it tends to get a bit dull at points.
Eric: you should either put indentations in or put a space between
paragraphs.
Sarah: Also the characters have no depth, they simply work out the
actions for no particular reason other than to follow the plot.
Eric: which isn't necessarily bad, but they should appear to have some
motivation beyond the standard.
Sarah:*being attacked again by the ferrets* Later!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Emperor Stephen "The Mega Man" Schlueter
Leader Of The Crimson Empire
"It's not like I start the fights or anything.She just overreacts to
every little thing!" -Ranma Saotome
------------------------------------------------------------------------