On Tue, 30 Sep 1997, Stephen Tsai wrote:

RPM - acct 3/5 wrote:

[SCENE: kitchen, early morning.  Ranma and Ataru are there, looking
   like they just woke up.  The television is showing the morning
   news, there's two cups of steaming coffee on the table, and Washu
   is behind the grill, cooking something.  A doorbell ringing
   disrupts the tranquil scene, along with an odd sort of whirring
   noise.]

When did these two (Ranma/Ataru) drink coffee?Ranma drinks tea the times
I've seen him.
Don't know what Ataru drinks...

Good point.  I guess I'll switch it to tea.

I don't think I agree with this "calm demeanor".Ranma, despite his
experience with the abnormal, is still often taken aback when
confronted with events beyond his experience. 

Maybe making him incredibly sleepy would work better?

CAMERA:  Urd, Washu, Ranma, & Kyosuke are seated at the table, eating
         breakfast.  At the moment, breakfast is a surprisingly large
         boiled egg with a side of bacon and toast.

If Washu was grilling something earlier, wheredid the egg come from?

Bacon?

URD:  Hey, where's the kid?

KYOSUKE: kid?

Capitalize.  I won't mention it again; I assume you'regoing to correct
grammer and stuff later.

yup.

Be consistent.  Either he's "Kasuga" or "Kyosuke".Personally I'd lean on
the latter as you are referring
to everyone else by their given names.

What's wrong with referring to either?  They're both his name.
I just switch up for variety, but if it's generally an incorrect
thing to do....

Ataru's voice:  I've had bad experiences with alien cooking.  Hey, I'm
                not going to turn into a wombat after eating this, am
                I?

Washu's voice:  Don't be ridiculous.

Oh come on...Given Washu's personality and the general
antipathy that Ataru has generated for himself
among the group, she should play with his
mind some...
("Wait a minute...wasn't that the egg over there?").

'Oh come on'?  Pardon?

   "I don't know," said Kyosuke, sounding doubtful.  Actually, he
didn't feel like getting into any embarrasing situations, possibly
involving girls, that would get Madoka upset.  The last thing he
needed now was an upset Ayukawa.

Again, be consistent with the family/given names.It might confuse
readers.

Well, if it bothers'em that much...

   Mamoru stared at the pins, determined to at least not lose by a
ridiculous margin again.  Humiliation on public television was
bad enough.  Humiliation live in public was something he didn't need.

In general, I disagree with the bowling sequence.Nuku^2 (with her
computer targetting) I can
accept.

good.

Urd, unless she's cheating with "divine power", does not
necessarily know how to bowl, even if she is the "Goddess
of Love". (Granted, I don't think it's out of char for her
to cheat though...)

good.

Similar for Washu, just because she's a "super-genius",
she doesn't necessarily know how to bowl.

This is debatable.  So, everyone in the ffml...
whadaya say?  I put the question to you.

Would Washu be a good bowler?

I personally bowled in a league before and have taken
classes.  Trust me, even if you know *exactly* where to
place the ball, how to line up and how to deliver, it's
a far cry from actually getting it down physically
(unless you practice like the pros).

Well... bowling a few times myself... some I know
take to bowling alarmingly quick.... others are
slow.  Me?  I'm averaging a meager 140 these days.

Also, I'd mention that Kyosuke himself is not
beyond a little cheating when being shown up
too hard (in tennis, skiing, boat rowing and
other events in the past in the real KOR).

Good point.

-rodM