A note before I begin, this review is NOT part of the Comment Patrol.  It

has not been requested by the author and it would not qualify, because it

is a crossover into series that I do not cover.  (My interest in DC Comics

is very slight.  I have not seen all of Louis&Clark, the new Batman

movies, or either animated series, but I have seen much more of this

material that I've seen V'ger: the next degeneration.)



I have commented on this fanfic before this latest revision and in general

have liked it, even if I've disagreed with some of the points.  Let's see

what's changed.

Tales of Graviton City

Author's  Foreword

Sometimes I thought I would never complete this book.  Endless research of

news items, interviews with all the participants (some of whom were

damned difficult to find!),

Oh, it's a meta-author wrapper.  I really do worry when I see these,

because it's generally followed by very poor viewpoint handling, but maybe

this comment will simply be ignored later on.

{[Editor's note from the original draft]}

Hmmm....

Superboy yawned, his red-gloved hand moving listlessly to cover his mouth.

"Man, how did I let 'em talk me into pulling guard duty again?" he muttered

rhetorically to himself. His eyes slid over to view the artifact encased within

the confines of the display case, his lip curling in a grimace.

Let's see the redundancies here: yawned and listlessly, yawn and mouth,

the guesture and the expression that follows.  muttered and the comment

itself, rhetorically and the comment, eyes slid and view, encased within

and display case, lip and grimace.



That's eight right?

"Your track record as a guard hasn't been very good, at all."

So why was he volunteered again?

Things such as a beautiful woman in a short skirt passing by him.

Are you sure this isn't a Urusei Yatsura crossover?

with that surrealistic timbre reserved for

evil supernatural creatures.

Eyes front and stop talking to the audience.

Olkon's fist struck hard into

his stomach.

Your description above did not include hands.

"*Weekend*!" yelled C-ko happily, bounding down the front steps to Graviton

High School for Girls.

This sentence can be shortened and strengthened.  For instance is she on

her way TOWARDS the school here?  (Which meaning of "to" did you intend?)

What do you want to do, A-ko?

Usually she is too afraid to ask this question.  It's much safer to take

the initiative and drag A-ko along then give A-ko a chance to come up with

something unfun.

The short bundle of enthu-

siastic energy adopted a look of intense concentration

I don't think you really meant to use the concentrated bundle of energy

mixed metaphor here.

Or, more likely, pushing it off until

Sunday and reading manga instead.

Wouldn't it be more correct to say looking at manga?

if I may be permitted to put on airs

You may not, stop this meta-author silliness right now before The Colonel

notices and switches the skit to something entirely different.



	Henry J. Cobb	hcobb@slip.net          http://www.io.com/~hcobb

    I'm getting the strangest feeling to do the "two-character" MSTing.

    How about Monty Python's Colonel reads the fics to C-ko? ;-)