Mystery Science Theater 3000 presents
"Hearts and Minds Prelude Part Six: Shampoo Bie Liao" by Gary Kleppe
MST by DRM
(THIS MST WAS PREPARED WITH THE AUTHOR'S ENDORSEMENT. NO ATTACK UPON THE
AUTHOR IS INTENDED.)
"In the not too-distant future,
(something something) AD…
There was a guy named DRM
Much less cool than you and me…
(Satellite of Love interior: DRM and the ‘bots.)
Crow: Hey! Who the heck are you?
DRM: I’m DRM. I’m filling in for Joel and Mike here on the Satellite of
Love.
Servo: No way! Joel and Mike are tall, clean-shaven, and characterized
by their boyish good looks and their droning, laconic wit! You’re short,
pot-bellied, and you have a full beard.
Crow: Yeah, I’m writing my congressman!
DRM: But guys, you haven’t given me a chance yet.
Servo: You talk in a monotone, like a college professor.
DRM: I AM a college professor.
Servo: Oh, god. Someone get me a crucifix and some garlic.
Crow: How about Hamdingers?
DRM: Oh, the Mads are calling.
(Switch to interior of Mads’ lab. Forrester rubbing his hands together.
TV’s Frank is sitting blindfolded in a contraption with a helmet and
blinking lights.)
Forrester: Good evening, Finger-Licking-Bad. It’s time for today’s
invention exchange. And then . . . HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Frank (still blindfolded): HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Forrester: You skipped a HA, Frank.
Frank: HA!
Forrester: He keeps blowing his lines.
Frank (pathetically): I’m sorry.
Forrester: We’ll go first this time, you black-blooded refugee from the
rat’s nest under a pogo stick factory. Frank here is strapped into the
Attention Span Nullifier. This super-duper mind-sucking device has
already reduced his attention span to the low level of a college
student.
Frank: D-uh, should I write my name on my test paper before I turn it
in?
Forrester: Now watch as I turn the super techno-crank. You’ll notice it
has five settings. The top three are college student, McDonald’s
employee, and professional bus driver. Frank, what are the top three
settings?
Frank: College student … uh … employee … uh … got a beer and a TV?
Forrester: Now I’m going to move it to setting number four: single
mother of six with two full-time jobs.
(Flashing lights, humming noises.)
Forrester: Well, how does it feel, Frank?
Frank: I can’t find my car keys.
Forrester: What do you say to that, Dr. Empty?
(Cut to Satellite of Love)
DRM (leaning close to the camera): You're going to offend a lot of
people with that gizmo, you perfidious villains. Say, what’s the highest
setting?
(Cut back to lab.)
Forrester: Ronald Reagan. (Pushes crank.)
Frank: Well, there you go again.
(back to DRM and the bots)
DRM: Well, today we have some combination novelty items. This here is a
combination ashtray and CD-Rom drive!
Crow: Oh, you got your cigar butts all over Duke Nukem 3-D!
DRM: Uh… sorry. What have you got today, Crow?
Crow: Well, mysterious stranger, this is a combination microwave oven
and pencil sharpener.
DRM: (pushes buttons): Just insert your pencil. Program it to sharpen
for 30 seconds… (beep, beep, beep, whir, DING!) It’s done. (Takes out
pencil.)
Servo: Gee, it, uh, looks like the lead melted.
(pause)
Servo: My invention is a combination back-scratcher and nuclear
reactor. Unfortunately my first model was blown up by a terrorist, but
the Japanese government is secretly building another.
Crow: Yeah, right. Booo!
DRM: Wait! It looks like Gypsy has an invention. Whatcha got, Gyps?
Gypsy: Who are you?
DRM: Oh, not again.
(Cut to lab with Mads.)
Forrester: Actually, she was the model for our device.
(Cut back to Satellite)
DRM: So, that’s who I am, Gypsy. And I love you so.
Gypsy: Ohhh, how sweet. My invention is a combination of Richard
Basehart and . . . Richard Basehart!
(long silence)
Servo: That’s great, Gypsy.
Crow: Yeah, sign me up for that.
Gypsy: Ram chip!
DRM: What do you think, sirs?
(Cut to lab with Mads.)
Forrester: Your experiment today is called "Hearts And Minds Prelude
Six:
Shan Pu: Bie Liao" by Gary Kleppe.
Crow: Kleppe, as in, crappy?
Servo: Now, be nice.
(flashing light, buzzing noise)
DRM: We got fanfic sign. . . . . . . . .
Finally! This one took one heck of a long time,
Crow: Too bad it didn’t take a heck of a lot longer.
but here it is. Let me
know what you all think, and any suggested changes, major or minor.
Thanks to prereaders Chris McNeil, Matt Posner, and Adrian Wong for
their comments and suggestions.
Crow: Posner? Isn’t he that immature goofball who quit the mailing list
after no one read his last story?
DRM: Hey!
Crow: Sorry, Adrian, Wong number.
Servo: Oh, that’s cheap. That’s really cheap.
HEARTS AND MINDS PRELUDE SIX
SHAN PU: BIE LIAO
Crow: Hey, drum boy, this isn’t going to have subtitles, is it? I hate
subtitled movies.
Ranma 1/2 manga fanfiction
by Gary Kleppe
The characters of Ranma 1/2 are the creation of and rightful
property of Rumiko Takahashi. They are used here without permission.
This story may be freely redistributed, but it should not be altered
substantially or used for profit in any way.
Servo: Yeah, yeah, we all know this is a lot of baloney, don’t we?
Crow: Yeah, these characters are mine, damn it! Mine!
"Air China flight 69 for Tokyo and San Francisco is now ready.
At this time, we would like to begin by boarding passengers in rows one
through six."
Hundreds of people rose from their seats in the airport lounge
and crowded into the small gangway tunnel.
Shan Pu remained quietly seated in the small plastic chair. She
could have easily pushed all of the people out of the way, but there was
no reason to do so. She could get in the plane after all of the others
had boarded.
Servo (sings): "She’s got a ticket to ride, and she don’t care!"
She was on her way to see Ranma and Akane. On behalf of her Amazon sisters, she
needed to ask for their help.
DRM: On behalf? What about the other half?
Servo: Oh, Jesus, that was bad! Would you get with the program?
Crow: Yeah, no offense, but your sense of humor sucks, buddy.
They might very well
Crow: Bury her in a ten-ton wad of salt-water taffy!
refuse her, but the situation was desperate and she needed to try.
It had been difficult keeping in touch with Ranma over the years
from her Amazon village.
Crow: Dial 10 + 321.
Servo: Will you shut up? This is hard enough to follow already.
She and Akane had exchanged a few letters, but
mail always came slow to the Amazons when it came at all. According to
what she knew, Ranma and Akane now had two children, Hikaru and Ririko.
Servo: Or was that Hiriko and Rikaru?
DRM: Hikarou and Ririkou?
Crow: Kachuu Tenshin Amaguriken?
Servo: God bless you.
Crow: Er, hasn’t someone made that joke before?
Someone had said that Ririko wasn't really Akane's child, only Ranma's;
Shan Pu was curious as to whether there was any truth to that.
Back home, the elders would be making plans, discussing how to
deal with the brewing crisis.
Crow: Hire more brewers!
Servo: No, then you’d have to deal with the union…
Shan Pu would have been summoned to their
meeting had she been there. As the most skilled fighter of her
generation, she was being prepared for a place among the village's
leaders.
That was a place that she did not want. Shan Pu had always good
at tactics, at figuring out how to achieve a goal. But she had no real
interest in being the one to decide *what* goals should be pursued. That
was something that she had always left to others -- except once. Once
she had thought that Ranma was actually a girl, and that Amazon law
therefore required her to kill this outsider who had defeated her in
combat. Something inside her made her refuse to do this. Of course Ranma
was really a boy, and her love for him led only to disappointment.
Crow: This is getting too weird for me.
Servo: Yeah, it’s kind of like a Fassbinder movie, but without the
leather.
Kuno Tatewaki had gone ahead to Japan, to bring together
whomever he could to help the Amazons. Shan Pu knew that Tatewaki was
attracted to her. Whether she wanted to pursue a future with him, she
could not say. Perhaps she needed to know him better. Perhaps she could
no longer trust her own heart, after the pain that loving Ranma had
brought.
Life in the old days was so much simpler. Shampoo wanted Ranma
to be her husband. Amazon law and Great-grandmother were on her side,
and she carried out whatever plan seemed like it would help her reach
her goal. It seemed like things would stay the same forever.
Until it all came crashing down. . .
DRM: THUMP!!
Crow: What the heck was that?
DRM: All of it crashing down.
______
Great-grandmother was dying.
Servo: Quick, where’s the will?
DRM: Happosai gets the panties.
The thought of losing a loved one might have been devastating to
a lesser individual. But Shampoo was an Amazon warrior. Not just any
Amazon warrior either, but the strongest of her generation. No matter
what adversity or hardships she faced, she would carry out her duty
without failure.
DRM: She would carry out her duty without failure.
Great-grandmother had sent her to find Ranma, to bring him to
the Nekohanten so that they could speak one last time. Why this was so
important, Shampoo did not know. But the reason didn't matter. Cologne,
eldest of the Amazon tribe, had given her a task to do;
DRM: And she would carry out her duty without failure.
possibly the
last one she would ever give. It was one last chance for Shampoo to
prove her worthiness, to at least partly make up for past failures. She
would carry out this task.
DRM: Yep, you guessed right again. She would carry out her duty without
failure.
She ran quickly through the streets.
Servo: Quick, what was she carrying?
DRM: She was carrying out her duty without …
Crow: Without failure, yeah, I know. Give it a rest, huh?
Ranma followed closely
behind, with Akane beside him. They were married now. Ranma, who
DRM: Uh, that should be whom!
Crow: Snob!
Amazon
law and wisdom said rightfully belonged with Shampoo, would now never be
hers.
Ranma didn't love her. If there was ever any doubt of that, it
had been erased at the wedding less than an hour ago. She had told him
how important it was that he come with her. He refused to believe her.
When the others accused her of being there just to disrupt the wedding,
he stood with them.
Yes, it was clear now. Ranma didn't love Shampoo. Didn't trust
Shampoo. Maybe. . . maybe didn't even like Shampoo.
Servo: No wonder he’s got so much dandruff.
Crow: Now, I KNOW I’ve heard that one before.
How good it was to have the strength of an Amazon warrior.
"Shampoo!" Mousse ran alongside the Amazon. She had forgotten
that he was there until he spoke. "I know what you must be going
through. Tell me how you feel! Let it out, you'll feel better!"
Servo: Mouse?
DRM: Mousse.
Servo: Moose?
Crow: Again? That trick never works!
"We need hurry." Shampoo didn't think Mousse really cared how
she felt. He had certainly never cared before, when she had wanted him
to go away. He was trying to get her to open up to him so that she would
trust him, in hopes that that trust might lead to something more between
them. He was trying to be nice, but his niceness carried a hidden price,
one that she was not willing to pay.
Servo: What about sales tax, how much was the sales tax?
Crow: You get fries with that?
"I'll always be here for you, Shampoo." Mousse sped up, trying
to stay in her field of vision. "I'll go back to China with you, if
that's what you want."
"Mousse. . . you think now that Great-grandmother soon gone, we
can be married? That what you think?"
Servo: Marry a mouse? No way. Talk about your bad honeymoons.
Crow: Again?
"Well. . . I. . . er. . ."
"You just not get it. Not Great-grandmother who not let us be
married."
"Then who. . ."
"It me. I not love you, Mousse. I not want marry you. Years and
years I try tell you, why you no listen? Your ears bad as your eyes?"
"I. . . I'm sorry." Mousse fell into a silent sulk.
DRM: A silent sulk.
Servo: A blundering hulk.
Crow: A slithering skulk.
DRM: A shambling bulk.
Crow: A shingling zulk.
Servo: A what?
Crow: Sue me.
Shampoo also said nothing for the remainder of the trip. She
felt sorry for Mousse, but being harsh with him seemed like the only way
to get her message through. She didn't love him. She wasn't lying when
she said that. But deep in her heart, though she didn't want to admit
it, she did like him. Hopefully he would get over her and find someone
else.
______
The four youths climbed the stairs leading to Cologne's room and
slowly opened the door.
Inside, a television announcer's voice droned on. "As you can
see, the President of the United States is shaking the hand of the new
Chinese Premier. Clearly this is a historic occasion, a promise of
continued peace and co-operation between two powerful nations."
Servo: Yeah, right.
Crow: Well, at least Clinton didn’t barf at a state dinner.
DRM: But Gore did look a little green.
"Greetings, Akane." Cologne spoke with obvious difficulty, as if
forcing the words out was a chore,
DRM: But she would carry out her duty without failure.
as she pushed the button on the
remote to blank the screen. "Greetings, Ranma." She looked up from her
bed at the young martial artist. "I shall not call you son-in-law."
"Old gh--" Ranma cleared his throat noisily. "Cologne. You. . .
you're. . ."
"I'm dying," she replied. From the way Cologne looked, it was
obvious that she was telling the truth. Her hands and arms trembled as
they moved. Her gaze moved slowly and often seemed to lose focus. Where
she had merely worn the mask of age before, she was now truly elderly.
"I-- I'm sorry," Akane said, her voice displaying genuine
sympathy along with unease.
Crow: Oh, now, there’s a combination. How about sympathy along with
genuine unease?
Servo: Genuine unsympathy and genuine ease?
DRM: Guys, you’re reaching.
(continued in email immediately following)