"Yes, Great-grandmother. I go now." She began to rise from her
chair.

        "Not yet. There is much more that I must tell you while I still
have time."

DRM:  The leg bone’s connected to the shin bone.
Servo:  No matter how good you are, someone else is always better.
Crow:  Your Sunday School teacher has a sex life.
 

        Shampoo returned to her sitting position.

Crow:  She SAT DOWN! Why does she has to $@#%! "return to a sitting
position?" 

        "Ranma and his friends are skilled, but even they might not be
enough to tip the scales in our favor. There is a secret weapon,
concealed by me in the village. You must use it if you judge it
necessary. Listen closely. . ."

                                 ______

        "Weird."

"What's weird, Ranma?" Akane asked. 

Servo:  Christ, what isn’t weird in this ridiculous story?
Crow:  Hey, anyone see my autographed Tin Woodman codpiece?
 

They were sitting downstairs
waiting, while Mousse busied himself with cleaning the restaurant. The
other Tendos and Saotomes had arrived on the crosstown bus, and were now
upstairs.

        "The whole death thing. Y'know, just between you and me, there
were times when I didn't like Cologne all that much. But now that she's
dying, it's like I can't think that way about her anymore. Does dying
make you a better person?"

Servo:  Don’t know, let’s kill you and then you can tell us.

        "I guess I know what you mean. She and I weren't exactly the
best of friends either. Maybe we should all try to be nicer to each
other while we're alive."

        "Yeah, I suppose. Sometimes it's not easy, though." Ranma smiled
inwardly. He and Akane agreed on something -- saw something the same
way. Though it surely wasn't going to happen like that all the time, it
felt good. If he were the next to die, he hoped that Akane would
remember him this way, not as the jerk who kept calling her an uncute
sexless tomboy.

DRM:  I thought you were going to change that to "unsexy," Gary.
Crow:  Yeah, this guy here is sexless, not Akane.

        Kasumi came down the stairs. "Such a shame about Cologne, we'll
all miss her." Ranma had no doubt that she meant it. She always seemed
to see good in everyone, somehow; that was something that he rarely
seemed to be able to do.

        "Yeah, we will. I hope Shampoo's gonna be okay. This has gotta
be harder on her than anybody else. I don't even know where she's gonna
go now."

        "Yes, it's sad. Still, I'm sure things will turn out all right
for her. Maybe she'll find some nice boyfriend!"

"Sh-- Sh--"

Servo (sings): Sh-boom, sh-boom, sh-boom, sh-boom
Crow (sings):  Life could be a dream…
Servo (sings):  Sh-boom…
Crow (sings):  If only all my precious plans would come true…

 

 Mousse jerked his head noticeably as he picked up a

 bowl and rapidly wiped the inside of it. "Shampoo --" Kasumi didn't
seem

to notice him.

        "Uh, Kasumi. . ." Ranma had only heard part of what Shampoo said
to Mousse on the way over; it sounded a lot like she was trying to dump
the guy once and for all. "You know, Mousse is. . ."

DRM:  Stupid!
Servo:  Clumsy!
Crow:  Blind!
 

        "Why, that's right! Mousse likes Shampoo, doesn't he! I just
know that they'll be happy together. Things are as bright for the two of
them as they'll ever be!"

        The bowl slipped through Mousse's fingers, shattering as it hit
the floor. He grabbed something from under the counter and ran into the
back room. A crash was heard, followed by a shout. "Aaaaarrg! Why won't
this fit in the dishwasher?!"

DRM:  Oh, come on, Mousse. No one has one THAT big.
 

        "Goodness!" Kasumi put a hand to her lip as she turned around.
"Wasn't that the fire extinguisher?"

        "Well, y'know. . ." Ranma groped for something to say. "His
eyesight ain't all that good." He decided to try to change the subject.
"Y'know, you always seem to have something nice to say about everyone.
How do you do it? What's your secret?"

Crow:  Prozac.
Servo:  Methamphetamine.
 

        She smiled. "Why, there's no secret. I've always thought that if
you think good thoughts, about *everything*, then good will come to
you."

Servo:  Yeah, thanks, Pollyanna.
Crow:  Yeah, stick it up your lederhosen, Heidi.

        "So, you could find something good to say about. . . Happosai?"

        "Oh my, yes," Kasumi answered without missing a beat. "After
all, he founded the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts

 
DRM (sings):  Anything goes in… Anything goes out! Fish, bananas, old
pajamas, mutton, beef, and trout!

 and trained
both of our fathers. Imagine how much work and dedication that must have
taken. If not for the techniques that he invented, refined, and passed
along, neither of you two would have anywhere near the level of skill
that you do now. Why, if not for. . ."

        "Okay already!" Ranma raised his hands to his head. "I
surrender!" The three shared a short good-natured laugh.

Crow:  Hey, guys, let’s share a short good-natured laugh. Here’s the
joke: this story!
All:  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

                                  ______

        "May I come in?" Kaede poked her head through the door.

        "Please do," Cologne said. "I am glad you could come when I
asked you to."

        "Haven't I always?" Kaede smiled.

        Shampoo looked curiously at the Priestess. "You know
Great-grandmother?"

        "We met long ago," Kaede replied. "It was just after World War
Two, if I remember correctly. China was fighting a civil war. The
Nationalists were losing, and growing more and more desperate.

DRM:  Maybe the Nationalists needed some new pick-up lines.
Crow: Yeah, "What’s your sign, baby?" doesn’t really work in China. 

        "They had heard stories of the Amazon village, and some of the
strange treasures contained within. They weren't inclined to believe,
but as I say they were desperate. If taking control of a small primitive
village out in the middle of nowhere might help them win, they weren't
going to hesitate to do it.

DRM:  She said "Do it." Huh-huh. Huh-huh.
Servo:  Joel! Mike! Help!! We can’t continue the experiment with this
dweeb!

(All three get up. Switch to the front lab area again.) 
(DRM is in a Kasumi costume. Talks in poor imitation of Kasumi’s voice.)

DRM:  I can find something good to say about anyone. Just try me.
Servo:  You’re sure about that? You’re sure?
DRM:  Oh, my, yes.
Servo:  OK, I got someone. I got someone. Who’s that little ninja guy?
DRM:  Satsuke? Oh, that’s easy. I can say something nice about him. He’s
easy to hit.
Crow:  OK, OK, I got someone. Here it comes:  Morton Downey Junior.
DRM:  Uh… well, he lives pretty far away from us, I guess that’s good.
Servo (to camera):  I don’t think he, uh, she’s really in the spirit of
this.
Crow:  I got one! I got one! Jenny McCarthy, if, uh, if she wasn’t
really pretty, and stuff, and, uh…
Gypsy (from off-camera):  Richard Basehart!
Servo:  OK, here’s a challenge for you. Say something nice about Dr.
Clayton Forrester.

(long pause)
DRM (removing Kasumi wig):  OK, you win. Oh, shoot, we have fanfic sign.

 (DRM and the bots reseating in the theater)

        "I came to your great-grandmother's village along with some
friends of mine. With the aid of the Amazon warriors, we defeated the
invading troops and convinced both sides that leaving the Amazons alone
would be a good idea. That was when I was just learning the art. I was
young, foolish, and impudent."

        "Things have changed since then," Cologne said.

        "Yes." Kaede grinned. "Now I'm old, foolish, and impudent."

        "You did cause your share of. . . trouble. But your dedication to
your art was your saving grace. That and your willingness to use it to
help our people. I know of no one, then or now, that I'd rather have
around in a crisis."

Crow:  I’m having a boredom crisis.
Servo (sings):  Life could be a dream…

        Shampoo's eyes pleaded with the priestess. "You help our village
now?"

        "Young lady, I'm sixty-nine years old, and I don't have your
Amazon constitution. I can't fight the way I did back then. But there is
something else that can be done."

        "What?"

DRM:  Buy low, sell high.
Crow:  Write more sex scenes!
Servo:  Share your feelings … WITH SOMEONE ELSE!!
 

        "As I said, I am getting. . . not quite so young. The time has
come for my knowledge to be passed on to another."

        "Indeed?" Cologne raised an eyebrow curiously. "Have you a
candidate in mind?"

        "Yes," Kaede said matter-of-factly. "One who is quite near at
the moment."

        "One of those in the room below? I don't believe any of them has
any knowledge of Shinto sorcery."

        "Knowledge can be taught. It is the spirit that matters."

Crow:  I’m going to need some spirits to get through this.
 

"Discussion of this can wait." 

Crow:  I think it’s a little late to say that, don’t you??

Cologne sat up in her bed. "I
need to explain why I asked you here. Shampoo, please excuse us. I need
to speak privately with the priestess."

        "Great-grandmother, I no want to. . ."

DRM:  Use good grammar!
Servo:  I think about a thousand people are ahead on you on that
complaint.
 

        "I will still be here when you return. Please, Shampoo."
Cologne's tone was not commanding as it often was, merely imploring.
"What I am about to do here may be dangerous."

Servo:  Like listening to the radio in the bathtub?
Crow:  Eating fast-food hamburgers?
DRM:  Carrying out your duty without failing?
 

        "Yes, Great-grandmother." With head hung low Shampoo exited,
closing the door behind her as she descended the stairs.

                                 ______

        "Shampoo! Is it true?"

        "What true?" Shampoo brushed past Mousse, disinterestedly.

Servo:  Tell the truth, do you really _still_ wet your bed?
Crow:  _You_ should talk!
Servo:  You know very well that was only an oil leak.
 

        "That the Priestess wants to take me on as her apprentice. I
heard her talking from down here." Mousse took Shampoo's hand in his.
"Just think of it! The two of us can study under Kaede. Together!"

        Shampoo shot a glare at Mousse telling him to move his hand or
lose it. "She say she choose *someone* for student. Not say you. And we
NOT be together. I tell you before. NEVER! Not in million years! Not if
you last man on Earth! Understand?" She opened the basement door and
descended the stairs, not looking back.

Crow:  Hey, this Mouse guy is kind of like you, Tom.
Tom:  Why, you… That’s it, I’m coming to your room and setting fire to
your Jughead comics!
 

        "Shampoo! Are you. . ." Mousse's voice carried down from above.
"Are you trying to tell me something?"

        She fumbled for the light switch, pretending not to hear him.

                                 ______

        "What you're planning is difficult," Kaede said.

        "I know," Cologne replied. "But between the two of us, we have
the resources to pull it off."

        "It is possible to know the future. But knowledge is a danger in
itself. What is known cannot be changed. If you foresee great disaster,
then great disaster will occur no matter what you do to prevent it."

Servo:  Yeah, just look, this story got written, for example.
 

        "My friend, I am at the end of my time. There will be nothing I
can do to change things in any case." Cologne smiled grimly. "But I will
not rest with my curiosity unfulfilled. I must know how things will turn
out."

Crow:  WHAT THE HECK ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT?

        Kaede knew that it was useless to argue. "Very well. Let us
begin."

DRM (sings):  900 bottles of beer on the wall, 900 bottles of beer… 
Crow:  AAAAAAARRGHH!

                                 ______

        Shampoo reached the bottom shelf of the basement cabinet to find
it empty.

Servo:  Not as empty as her head.

        Someday, somewhere, she knew that this would mean trouble.

                                 ______

        Cologne gazed into empty space through closed eyes. Her spirit
now stretched ahead into the future.

Servo:  I hope she can see as far as the end of this story.
 

        Kaede sat beside the Amazon elder. Her essence gripped
Cologne's, anchoring it, preventing it from losing itself in the folds
of existence. She dared not look directly at what Cologne was seeing.
For her to see the future would make her unable to change it, and that
for her would be like dying herself.

Crow:  Oh, she’s a Calvinist.
DRM:  Shinto.
Servo:  Well, if she died, that would be OK by me.
 

        That had always been Kaede's weakness, as well as her strength.
She loved being alive. She loved the material world, with all of its
pleasures, sensations, and experiences. Others who practiced the way of
the Kami were content to stay quietly in their temples while they
explored the spiritual planes of existence. Not so Kaede.

        Cologne's brow tightened as her mouth opened. "No. . . not
Shampoo. No. . ."

        What was she seeing, Kaede wondered? But she could not know, not
yet. She maintained her spiritual grip on Cologne's consciousness.

        The sadness in the Amazon's voice turned to desperation.
"Hurry. . . you must not fail. . ." Then she breathed an audible sigh of
relief. One way or another, it was over.

Crow:  Great! Let’s get out of here.
DRM:  No, wait.
Crow:  Damn it!
 

        Cologne's eyes opened as her mind returned to her body. Her
expression was difficult to read; relief mixed with regret, perhaps.
"Shampoo. . ."

        "I'll send her up to you." Kaede moved toward the door.
"Goodbye, honored elder. May you be at peace."

        Kaede descended the steps. Her mind burned with curiosity over
what the future would bring; but she could not know. It was a play that
she still had a role in. It was time to begin that role, if a certain
person were agreeable.

                                 ______

        Kaede paused on the stairs to listen.

        "Ranma, how do you fit that head of yours through the door? You
don't know that she meant you."

        "Ryoga, you big jerk! Who else would she wanna teach? You? You
wouldn't even be able to find her house!"

        "So who says it's either of us? Akari's worked with Kaede
already! Why couldn't it be her? Or Akane?"

        "Yeah, Ranma! Why *couldn't* it be her or me?"

        "Uh. . ."

        Kaede looked at Shampoo and nodded her head in the direction of
the stairs, indicating for the young Amazon to go up.

        "A-actually, it could. . . could be. . . any of us."

        "Oh yeah? Like you? You been tryin' that voodoo junk for years,
and ain't never got it to work."

        "Please! Let's all calm down! As he said, it could be anyone!"

        "Not quite anyone, kiddo. This is Shinto. You were raised by
Chinese Amazons. Different set of gods. Personally, I'm afraid I'll have
to decline. There are easier ways to make money."

        Kaede decided that enough was enough. She cleared her throat
noisily.

                                 ______

        Cologne lie in her bed, as her great-granddaughter held her
held. "Shampoo. . . you face great hardship ahead. I hope you will not
lose spirit. I hope. . . I hope you can forgive this foolish old woman for
the mistakes she made."

Servo: Like signing a contract to appear in this movie.
DRM:  Story.
Servo:  Whatever.
 

        Great hardships. Whatever they were, whatever else the future
would bring, Shampoo would have to deal with it. Alone.
Great-grandmother, who had wisely guided her through everything for her
whole life, would be gone. Who could she turn to for the answers she
would need?

DRM: Trungpa Rinpoche.
Servo: Fibber McGee and Molly.
Crow:  Oprah Winfrey.
Gypsy (offscreen):  Richard Basehart!
DRM:  By the way, that’s "whom could she turn to."
Crow:  Snob! I hate English teachers.

        "Great-grandmother. . ." Shampoo held Cologne's hand and looked
pleadingly at her. "Please tell me what to do!"

        Cologne's only response was silence, and the blank stare of
motionless eyes.

Servo:  Sounds like my eyes at the moment.
DRM:  You don’t have any eyes.
Servo:  Oh, yeah.

                                 ______

        Silence. Everyone stared at Kaede, waiting for her to speak.

        "Well?" Ranma said.

        Kaede stood unperturbed, trying her best to look innocent. "Well
what?"

        "Well, who's it gonna be? Pick one of us already!"

        "I already have," Kaede said. The occupants of the room looked
around at each other. The Priestess chuckled inwardly at the tension she
was creating among the group. Rarely did she get the chance anymore to
have this kind of fun.

        Ranma seemed ready to explode. "Who is it, then?!"

        Kaede pointed at one of the people in the room. "You."

        Everyone turned to look at the designated person, whose eyes
widened in surprise.

Oh  my!"

Crow:  Oh my God it’s over.
(DRM and the bots get up. Cut to front lab of satellite.)

Crow:  Well, that was really horrible.
Servo:  Oh, you’re always complaining.
DRM:  OK, we have a letter here to read. Put this up on still-store,
Cambot. Want to read this, Crow?
Crow:  Okay. Dear Mr. Posner, I’m sorry I didn’t turn in my paper on
time, but I couldn’t get to school because I was in a car accident and
I’m paralyzed from the waist down. But I’ll turn it in tomorrow. Huh?
What the hell is this?
DRM:  Oh, sorry, guess it was from my mailbox at school.
Servo:  Uh, the mad scientists are calling.

(Cut to Mads’ lab.)
Forrester:  Well, E. Coli drumstick, I’m sorry to see you survived our
little experiment in stultifying Shampoo commercials. As you can see,
Frank is now back to his normal attention span.
(Pan to Frank, trying to pour Coke out of an empty bottle into a full
glass. Pan back to Forrester.)
Forrester:  And that appears to be it for this episode. Stay tuned for
Hearts and Minds Prelude Seven:  The Wrath of Khan!  Push the button,
Frank.
Frank:  Uh…  I’ve run out of beans.

(Screen blanks out. Credits:  All Mystery Science Theater characters
property of Best Brains Inc., Joel Hodgson, and other smart people like
that.  This MST by Matt Posner based on the story by Gary Kleppe.)

Shampoo:  "Years and  years I try tell you, why you no listen? Your ears
bad as your eyes?"