"No need to be sorry for me. I've lived a good life for more
than a hundred years. I've been on borrowed time for quite a while. Now
that time is up."

        "Is there. . ." Ranma tried to think of something useful to say.
"Is there anything, y'know, that we can do for you?"

"As a matter of fact there is." 

 
Servo:  Could you scratch my back right there? No, a little to the left.
Aaaaaaahhhh!
 

A slight smile crossed Cologne's
lips, her voice suddenly firmer.

DRM:  Huh-huh, he said "firmer." Huh-huh.
Crow:  No! No!
Servo:  Don’t start that! Don’t!

        "Uh. . . wait a minute here. . . you're not gonna ask. . ." Ranma eyed
Shampoo suspiciously. " . . .for something weird, are you?"

DRM:  Sure am, got a copy of _Kama Sutra_ right here.

        "Have you ever wondered why I am here? Why the eldest and --
until now -- greatest warrior of the Amazons has been running a ramen
shop in Tokyo?"

Crow:  Yeah, you couldn’t get permission to open an Arby’s.
 

        "Well, now that you mention it. . ."

        "There are many in this modern world who view our Amazon village
with hostility.

Crow:  Yeah, like me, if you keep talking, lady. 

To them we are a threat, an opportunity, or both.

Servo:  How about you’re just _boring_?! Get to the point you old hag!

        "Our warriors are strong, but none of us would be able to defend
against a full-scale assault with modern weaponry, myself included. We
could be wiped out to the last woman. On the other hand, with me here in
Japan, should anything happen to my home I would remain. It would not be
difficult for me to determine who was responsible and to take painful
revenge against them. With this known, our village has managed to remain
intact.

DRM:  Huh-huh. She said "intact."
Crow:  Shut up!
 

        "My passing threatens to change things. Sometime in the future,
our village will be in great danger. I do not know when, or because of
whom. I do know that when it happens Shampoo and her sisters will need
your help. Your fighting skills, as well as your leadership ability."

(DRM and the bots get up and walk out.)

        Ranma was incredulous. "Leadership ability? ME?" Akane appeared
to have a similar reaction; this made Ranma a bit upset for some reason.

(Back in the main control room of the satellite. Lights lower, music
rises. Enter Gypsy, wearing a purple wig and a kimono with a large,
stuffed bust. DRM and the bots sing)

DRM:  She was carrying out her duty without fail!
Crow:  She was looking for a bucket and a pail!
Servo:  She hoped she wouldn’t step upon a nail!
All:  Oh… She was carrying out her duty without fail!

Crow:  She was carrying out her duty, so dutiful was she,
            She carried out her duty even when she’d rather pee.
            She was carrying out her duty out where everyone could see…
Servo:  Won’t she carry out her duty far from me!

DRM:  She was carrying out her duty where the sun can never shine!
            She was carrying out her duty, it was hers it wasn’t mine!
            She was carrying out her duty, and her life was on the line…
Crow:  May her duty and my duty not intertwine!

Servo:  She was carrying out her duty in the only way she knew!
            She was carrying out her duty while the winds of trouble
blew!
            She was carrying out her duty, #1 and #2…
DRM:  She was carrying out her wee-wee and poo-poo!

(back to speaking)
Gypsy:  Oh, guys, that’s so sweet.
Servo:  We wrote it just for you, Gypsy.
Gypsy:  Awwww. (leaves)
Crow:  What an idiot.
Gypsy (off-camera):  I heard that!

(flashing lights, buzzer)

DRM:  Guys, we got fanfic sign!!  (mass confusion.)

(DRM and the bots reseated in the theater.)

        "Though it has not been developed, the potential is within you.
Think about your ability to turn foes into allies. Take Mousse here, for
example. Like so many others, he was hostile to you when the two of you
first met. Nevertheless, he went with you into battle twice, against
Herb and later against Saffron.

DRM:  But he stayed home when you fought Ganja and Rhubarb, so don’t
trust him too much.

        "I had originally hoped that you would marry Shampoo and lead
your friends into combat as her husband. It is now clear that that isn't
going to happen."

Crow:  No shit, Sherlock.
 

        Ranma and Akane glanced at each other, some odd unspoken
communication passing between them. They were married now; even Cologne
respected that. The old games that they used to play were over. But what
would take their place?

Crow:  Backgammon? How about Parcheesi?
DRM:  Magic:  the Gathering.
Servo:  How about Twister? No, never mind, I always lose on my first
spin.

        Cologne looked Ranma directly in the eyes. "I want your promise
that when my great-granddaughter calls on you for the good of the Amazon
people, you will answer."

Crow:  Only if she dials 10 + 321.
Servo:  Oh, give it up already!
 

        There was no question in Ranma's mind what his response would
be. To use his skills to protect those in need. . . it was what he had
quite literally spent his entire life training for. "I'll do everything
I can."

DRM:  You’ll carry out your duty without… Ouch!
Crow:  Serves you right.
 

        "So will I. You can count on both of us, Shampoo." Akane
extended a hand toward the young Amazon. Slowly, hesitantly, they shook
hands.

        Ranma tried to remember what that TV announcer had said. A
historic occasion, a promise of peace and co-operation. That was what he
was seeing. It was something that ought to be on TV.

Servo:  Nope! Sorry! Pre-empted by the Superbowl.
Crow:  Hey, I wonder if _I Love Lucy_ is on.

                                  ______

        Hikaru Gosunkugi listened through his headphones to the voices
coming onto his tape recorder. Ranma, Akane, and Mousse were making
their goodbyes, about to leave Shampoo alone with her great-grandmother.

        Gosunkugi had snuck into the Nekohanten a few weeks ago and
bugged it.

 
Crow:  Oh, good job.
Servo:  Junior G-Man.
 

 It was an enormous risk. If any of them had caught him. . .

DRM:  But he carried out his duty without failing.
Crow:  Will you get the #@$#$#!@ off that already?

 Now, as he stood and listened in an alley two blocks from the

restaurant, he wondered whether it had been worth it.

Crow:  Depends on the sales tax.
Servo:  How is Nekohanten doing on the Nisei index?
 

        All he wanted to do was to help Akane; to be her protector and
save her from Saotome the heartbreaker. He expected to catch Ranma with
Shampoo there. For once he was going to play the hero, to show the woman
he admired how unfaithful the man she was marrying was.

        Now Ranma and Akane were married; Gosunkugi shuddered at the
thought of them. . . together. Then Ranma came to the Nekohanten, but not
to cheat on his new wife; rather, to help the Amazons. It was Ranma who
was going to be the hero, in a situation that was far beyond the ability
of a scrawny voodooist-wannabe to do anything about.

 
DRM:  Oh, well. Pass the Cheez Doodles.
Crow:  Anybody got a root beer?

        Gosunkugi removed his headphones. He stashed his small receiver
unit and tape recorder behind a garbage can, with the tape still
running. For now, Cologne was dying. He had only met her a couple of
times while eating at her restaurant. Nevertheless he felt he ought to
say goodbye. It was all he could do. Maybe he would listen to the tape
when he returned. Maybe not.

Servo:  Make up your mind!
Crow:  Say, doesn’t that guy look a little bit like Steve Urkel?
                                 ______

        Shampoo was with Great-grandmother. From down below, the sounds
of more people arriving were heard. She could make out the voices of
Genma and Soun. There were others she couldn't hear well enough to
identify.

        She had just talked with Great-grandmother about her feelings
toward Ranma. It hurt less knowing that someone else could understand
what she was going through and not condemn her for her failure.

DRM:  Failure? But she would carry out… OWWW!
 

        "Shampoo, listen to me," Cologne said. "While we are still
alone, there are some things you must be told."

Servo:  Yeah, like, there is no Santa Claus.
Crow:  Yeah, and there’s no Easter Bunny either.
Servo:  Yeah, and Mommy isn’t really on a long vacation, she’s in an
insane asylum trying to cram spoons up her ass.

        The young Amazon leaned forward in her chair, listening
intently.

        "There is a special cask of water in the bottom shelf of the
basement cabinet. It is something that can be of no benefit to any other
than myself, but it could cause great harm in the wrong hands. You must
make sure that this is not allowed to happen. Pour it into the ocean."

(concluded in email immediately following)