Lurker Productions, Ltd. 
presents
Three Guys and a Little Swordslady: Fanfic Reviews

<Open on a darkened theater with four comfortable-looking chairs. A cloud
of lavender mist floods the room, and parts to reveal the Eternal Lost
Lurker, sitting in one of the chairs.>

Lurker: Greetings. I'm back in the MST business, with my new review crew...

<a straw kasa appears in front of one of the chairs, and from it emerges a
tall, thin blue-haired man, dressed in odd traveling clothes and a fox-like
mask, and holding an ornamented staff. He slings the kasa across his back
and sits down in one of the chairs.>

Chichiri: I'm ready, no da!

<two doors open in the back of the theater, and the remainder of the crew
arrives. One is a plain-looking, bespectacled Japanese teenager with short
black hair, wearing a school uniform. The other is a kawaii young girl with
long braided red hair, wearing a red junior high uniform, with bits of
white armor attached. The two make their way to the remaining chairs and
sit.>

Hikaru: Let's get started!

Gendou: <pushes his glasses up onto the bridge of his nose> Ready.

Lurker: Alright then, let's begin! Today, we're reviewing Chapter 4 of
"Shieldsman" by Christopher Angel. This review is not intended as a slam of
Christopher's work, as this is a very enjoyable fanfic. It's just meant as
some light-hearted C&C. Without further ado...

<Lurker struggles with a glidepad remote control. Hikaru smirks, takes it
from him, and brings the fic up onscreen.>

2nd last Chapter, kids.  Oh, BTW, I should be updating my page this
weekend, if I can get off my lazy ass to do it.

<Gendou gets up, and kicks the mule Christopher is riding, causing it to
throw him.>

"Wow, Mako-chan, you look beautiful," Usagi gushed.  She was wearing a
white sun dress, covered in yellow and green flowers that accented her

hair

nicely.  Her long pig-tails were tied with green ribbons.

Hikaru: How kawaii!

Gendou: I've always preferred women with shorter hair, myself...

Lurker: <isn't about to go there>

Mamoru was looking decidedly uncomfortable at Usagi's side in a black

dress

shirt and grey slacks.  *Thank Kami I got to them before we came out

here. 

Those evening dresses would have been far too much.*  As it was, the

girls

were only marginally overdressed in their dresses.  Mamoru had to admit

Lurker: This is a bit redundant.

Chichiri: Redundant, no da.

Hikaru: No da.

Gendou: <mutters> Retards...

Lurker: <fogs Gendou with a cloud of lavender mist> As I was saying, it
might sound better without "in their dresses."

they looked extremely attractive, although Makoto's and Minako's dresses
were a touch racy for his comfort.  

Makoto was dressed in a long black dress with a pink flower print.  The

Lurker: Again, the redundancy. Try "Makoto wore a long black dress..."

blouse was of a partially see-though material, that showed off the way

the

skirt flowed up her body and showed just the slightest hint of cleavage. 
It wasn't inappropriate, in fact, Mamoru noticed at least two other girls
wearing similar dresses.  It was just a shock seeing Makoto in one.

Hikaru, Chichiri, Gendou, Lurker: <wince at the pun buried in that
sentence>

"Two words, Usagi-chan:  College boys," Minako shot in, causing Makoto to
blush furiously while the other girls gave her scandalous looks.

Lurker: Two words, Minako-chan: Spermicidal--OUCH!

Hikaru: <her sword returning to the jewel on her glove> Hentai. 

"Mako-chan," Rei said, her voice doing her scolding for her.  Rei was
wearing an very pretty red one-piece.  It was a bit severe, since there

was

no neckline, the front of the dress rising up to form a tight collar

around

her neck.  It did show her shoulders and a good stretch of her legs, but
with Rei's manner it made for a rather imposing sight.

Gendou: Probably a counterpoint for her work attire.

Chichiri: You mean her miko robes no da?

Gendou: <sweatdrop>

Ami piped in, "Shouldn't we find our seats?"  Mamoru gave her a look of
gratitude.  She looked good too, in her white blouse and blue pants.  A
little adult for a girl her age, but it worked with her hairstyle.

Gendou: Hmmm...there's just something about that hairstyle...

Lurker: <sweatdrop>

"Hmph," Haruka snorted.  "I'd watch Makoto, if I were you.  I'm almost
tempted to hit on her myself."  She grunted as Michiru elbowed her in the
gut.  "Almost."

Hikaru: <retch>

Lurker: <snicker>

Mamoru let his mind and attention wander as the performance went on.  The

Lurker: Wonder if they followed Ryouga...

Chichiri: If they did, they won't be back before the end of the fic no
da...

Mamoru snapped his attention to the stage at Rei's "Finally!"  Kaneda was
walking out, his standard rakish smile on his face.  He was wearing a
brilliant long-sleeved red shirt and black pants, the ends of the sleeves

Lurker: Ranma impersonator alert!

Hikaru: <sweatdrop> I don't think so...

tucked into his bracers.  As he grabbed the microphone from the last
singer, the golden moon symbol on the right bracer flashed in the light.

Lurker: So he mooned and flashed the audience in one motion? 

Chichiri, Hikaru, Gendou: <groan>

"Evening, ladies and gentlemen.  Thank you for coming tonight," Kaneda
began, then grinned roguishly.  "I know it's a cliche, but I'm dedicating
both of my songs tonight.  My first is dedicated to a friend I can truly
say is a prince among men."  As he talked, he turned his gaze up to where
Mamoru and the Senshi were sitting.  "It's called 'Does Your Mother

Know'."

Hikaru, Lurker: O_O
Chichiri: ^_^
Gendou: <pushes his glasses back onto the bridge of his nose>

<snip song>

"He's very good," Michiru commented to Haruka.  Setsuna was silently
shaking with laughter on her other side.

Lurker: Setsuna laughing...that's not something you see everyday.

"Heh," Haruka snorted.  "I don't like him, but he's got a absolutely
vicious sense of humor," she nodded over to the blushing pair.  "I can
respect that."

Lurker: It's about time she respected *something*. 

The music faded out, and the Inner and Outer Senshi exploded with cheers,
applause and giggles.  Mamoru and Usagi clapped lamely along.

Lurker: All the while trying to wipe the guts, cheers, applause, and
giggles off their clothes.

Chichiri, Hikaru, Gendou: <groan> <massive Lurker bonking ensues>

Lurker: <floorpaste> Itai...

<more music snipped>

Setsuna listened to the lyrics, with a hint of pain realizing how well

they

applied to her.  *Kaneda, you were always the most observant.*  Her eyes
misted with the tears she had fought for millennia, and she smiled a
little. *Thank you.*

Hikaru: Setsuna sure is showing more emotion than usual in this fic...

Lurker: Yeah. Kaneda must bring out the human in her.

Gendou: Personally, I like her better the way she usually is.

Chichiri: You would no da.

Michiru looked over at Setsuna and noticed her smiling face and the tears
in her eyes.  She patted the woman's leg, and smiled at her.  Setsuna
smiled back and wiped the tears from her eyes.

Lurker: All the while thinking, "Dammit, Michiru! You *know* I'm not that
way..."

Hikaru: <bashes Lurker with her sword again>

Kaneda walked back to the microphone.  "This last song is called 'Heart

of

Glass'."  He paused as another bunch of the audience cheered, and someone
yelled a question at him.  "Who's it for?  Hmm..."  he pondered that for

a

moment then smiled sadly.  "Me."

Hikaru: Awww....

Lurker: <rolls his eyes>

Setsuna smirked to herself, and looked down the line at Rei, noting the
tears in the girls eyes.  *About damned time.  Now if Mimete will only

come

through...*

Lurker, Hikaru: O_O

Chichiri: Daaa....

Lurker: <recovering> Well, after all, she *is* the guardian of time...

As the audience roared their applause, a short blonde girl smiled as she
applauded.  *A pure heart of love.  I was right, I did find a perfect
candidate.*

Lurker: <groan> 

Hikaru: She would have to show up and spoil the whole thing...

"Whew," Kaneda sighed backstage, his voice a little hoarse.  "Why is it

Lurker: His voice is SD-Ranma?

Hikaru: Baka! He means his seiyuu is Yamaguchi Kappei.

Chichiri: Anou...do fanfic characters have seiyuu no da?

Hiroshi always conveniently strains his voice when we have a performance
night?"

Lurker: He's trying to sell a new baby food flavor to Gerber.

Kaneda shook his head.  "Nah, I've got to stay and get killed by Mamoru."

Lurker: Gotta hand it to him, he's got his priorities straight...

The girl gave him a look of amazement.  "You're friends with that

dreamboat

Mamoru Chiba?"  She grabbed on his arm.  "You've GOT to introduce me!"

Chichiri: Maybe he would if you had a name, no da...

"Robbing the cradle?" A stage hand piped in.  "Pretty scummy."

Lurker: He's robbing the cradle, not the toilet.

Hikaru: Your *brain* is in the toilet.

"Hello, Kaneda Akasei, you have exactly what I want."  She smiled at him,
and a chill went down his spine.  The last thing he felt before the pain
began was an iron grip on his shoulder.

Lurker: O_O Mimete's into S&M?

Hikaru: HENTAI!!! <smash*dent*crush*mangle*fold*sizzle*char*spindle*ravage>

Mimete stared at the heart crystal in her hands in puzzlement.  "It's so
dim," she said to herself.  "How could someone sing with such feeling and
have such a black heart?"  The crystal in her hands didn't shine at all. 
Looking closely, Mimete could only see the barest glimmer of a spark at
it's center.  

Lurker: His heart just isn't in it.

"Hold it!"  Mimete looked up to see Sailor Mars standing at the end of

the

alley.  "Ice is a thing of beauty and nature, and not to be used to steal

a

good man's pure heart of love!  In the name of Mars, I will punish you!"

Chichiri: This from the coldhearted hothead, no da...

Mimete looked over at the daimon, and handed it the heart crystal, which

it

swallowed.  "Glacia! Get her!"  The daimon nodded grimly and shot a

flurry

of ice cubes at Sailor Mars, singing a battle cry.

Lurker: <singing> A battle cry...

Hikaru: <singing> A battle cry...

Lurker and Hikaru: Aaaaaa baaaaaaaaattttllllle crrrryyyyyyyy..........

Sailor Mars jumped out of the way, the ice turning the cement where she

had

stood into a skating rink.  "FIRE SOUL BIRD!"  The flaming attack

streaked

through the air and impacted Glacia high on the shoulder, and the daimon
was concealed in a cloud of steam.

Lurker: Anou...nitpick here. That's an attack that disappeared after
Chibi-Usa appeared for the first time.

The steam cleared, revealing Glacia minus her right arm.  The daimon's

eyes

narrowed in concentration, and like flowing water, the arm reformed out

of

her body.  "Is that the best you can do?  DIE!"  The daimon flung out

more

ice at Mars, and the Senshi sidestepped just in time.  Behind her, a pole
was instantly flash frozen and shattered.

"Not Kaneda.  Not EVER!"  Mars growled, and lept to the attack again.

Hikaru: <Mars voice> Kaneda...EVER...I can't decide...I WOULD HAVE BOTH!!!

Lurker: <sweatdrop>

At the entrance to the alley, the Inner Senshi and Tuxedo Kamen watched

the

combat in amazement.  "Rei-chan?"  Sailor Moon whispered.  "What's come
over her?"

Lurker: A sudden blaze of love.

Hikaru: ^_^

Sailor Mars shook her left arm as she tried to work the feeling back into
it.  "That's it," she growled.  "FIRE MANDALA!!"  A multitude of burning

Lurker: That's *Burning* Mandala...

Sailor Mars slowly walked over to where Kaneda's heart crystal floated in
the air.  She cupped the precious item in her hands and quickly walked

over

to Kaneda's body.  She brought the crystal down to his chest, and stared

in

dismay as the crystal refused to merge with his body.

Lurker: <crystal voice> Nuh-uh! It's dark and stinky in there!

Like a switch had been thrown, the heart crystal exploded with a

brilliant,

blinding light.  Sailor Mars cried and covered her eyes from the light.  
"What is it?"  Sailor Moon yelled, as Tuxedo Kamen shielded them from the
brilliant glow.  

Lurker: It's light. It makes things brighter. 

Almost anti-climatically, the crystal slowly merged with Kaneda, the
shining light slowly fading and eventually disappearing into his chest. 
After a moment, Kaneda gasped and stiffened, opening his eyes.  Sailor

Mars

hugged his chest tightly and cried her relief.

Lurker: Ewww! She soiled her panties!

Hikaru: Not *that* kind of relief! <sword, head, bruise>

"I know," she whispered, "I know.  That's what makes it so hard."  She
turned her face up to his and kissed him softly, her entire being put

into

that simple act.

Hikaru: <flat stare at Lurker> If you make any kind of remarks about
Rei-chan being a contortionist...

Lurker: <nervous sweatdrop>

<the fic ends, the screen goes blank>

Hikaru: Is that all?

Chichiri: Looks like it, no da.

Lurker: Somehow I thought this one might go on longer...

Gendou: <pushing his glasses back onto the bridge of his nose> If that's
all...<leaves>

Lurker: Anyway, good chapter, Christopher. Until next time! 

<lavender mist fills the theater; when it clears, everyone is gone and the
lights have gone out>

--------------------------------------------------------------------
Zankoku na tenshi no TEEZE
Madobe kara yagate tobitatsu
Hotobashiru atsui PATOSU de
Omoide wo uragiru nara
Kono sora wo daite kagayaku
Shounen yo shinwa ni nare

The Eternal Lost Lurker
EternalLostLurker@worldnet.att.net

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