In the Not-too-distant future
Somewhere in time and space
Mike Nelson and his robots
Are floating out in space.

The bots and Mike were cool
Their show won the ratings pool
But the producers wanted new guys
So they turned to the most despised

I'm just a stupid Author
The worse, of my kind (la la la)
But since I'm stuck in this ship
I'll drive everyone out of their mind

Now keep in mind Tempest can't control
Where these fics begin or end
But he'll survive every one of them
With the help of his few fake friends

FAKE FRIEND ROLL CALL!

Richie! (Hey!)
Seether!
Mystery! (?)
Gary Ooooooooowans!

If you're wondering how he eats and breathes
And other science facts (la la la)
Just repeat to yourself "It's just a thread
I should really just relax."

1 - [A hatch closes shut]
2 - [A Gate drops down]
3 - [A Draw bridge raises]
4 - [The sections of the door close in from the sides]
5 - [Two doors close inwards]
6 - [The sides of the wall close in and latch itself]

	Crow, Mike and Tom Servo are standing around staring at each other.  Their
heads move from one face then to another.

	"Did anyone ELSE find something completely wrong with that intro?" Tom
finally asked.

	"Yeah, it seemed like we're being cancelled," Crow responded.

	They all simultaneously turn to the camera and stare off into the
audience.  Mike quickly regains his posture.  "I'm there's a reasonable
explanation for it, we'll just contact Dr. F and find out all about it�"

	"Mike," Crow interrupted.  "We've moved over that arc in this series."

	"Yeah," Tom chimed, then asked,  "maybe we should contact, Mrs. F."

	Again, they all look at each other then shake their heads quickly.  They
all let out a "Nah."

	"You know," Mike continued.  "Your voice sounds different Crow, are you
feeling alright."

	"Why, I'm operating within full boundaries of my programming," said Crow.

	"I don't know, you still sound a bit different," Mike pursued.

	"You know, I think Mike is right," Tom said.  "You sound different than
before but familiar.  You don't think�"

	Just then the viewsceen turned itself on and displayed the ever familiar
face of Dr. Forrester.

	"Hello, Mike," the Doctor welcomed, then sneered, "Robots."

	"Dr. F, its been a long time," said Mike.

	"But not long enough," grumbled Crow.

	"Well, your prayers are being answered, I'm replacing you as test
specimens," said Dr. F.

	The three looked shocked beyond belief. "Does that mean we get to go
home?" Mike asked.

	"No, I have an even greater job for you.  Oh Pearl!"

	"Ahh no. Not another season with HER." Tom cursed.

	"Do with them as you wish sweetie, I have other fish to fry," laughed Dr.
F.  Pearl Forrester merely cackled in response.


In another, unseen until now part of the Satellite of Love�


	"� so the man says, that's what your napkin is for!" smiled Tempest as he
finished his joke.  The room was unusually silent afterwards.

	"Is that the BEST you can do?" asked the voice of Gary Owens, who intends
to and will be without a body for the duration of this arc.

	"Oh come on, I'm working with almost nothing here.  Besides its hard to
talk to a someone without a body."

	"Oh fine, try and strike a personal blow at me."

	Just then, the interdimensional, subspace holographic communicator light
flashed.  The ID beacon identified the signal coming from a one 'Doctor
Forrester, supreme ruler of Earth.'  Tempest just cringed at the thought
and pressed the receive button.

	Dr. Forrester's head appeared, floating over the console.  "Well, isn't it
nice to have new people to play with."

	Tempest seemed less than subdued. "Listen Doc, I didn't sign on for this
and want to know how I can get off this hunk of flying junk."

	"There's an image easy to visualize," commented Gary.

	The Doc just laughed.  "Oh, you don't know how wonderful it is to hear
young, spirited people just before I rob them of their sanity.  But getting
down to business, today's Fanfic is�"

	"Hold the phone there buster, I told you I don't want to have any
involvement in this, now just use your transporters or shuttlecrafts or
whatever and take me home!"  Tempest's blood pressure rose a few notches
causing the anti-stress devices to come on and give him a back rub and
shoulder massage.

	"No one leaves the Satellite of Love, not until their will has been
completely broken.  But until that time comes, you will watch these fanfics
or you'll find yourself floating in space."  The Doc turned around and
picked up a mini-disc. "Your Fanfic for today is Tuxedo Mars by Mark
Doherty. And its only a taste of what's to come."

	The image of the Doc fizzled out of existence and Tempest was left alone
with just himself and Gary's voice.  Tempest clenched his fist and slammed
it against the panel, causing the anti-stress devices to come out again.

	"You know, maybe this won't be too bad," Gary stated.

	"Easy for you to say, you're only a voice," Tempest replied.  He looked at
the panel he hit the got a grin on his face. "Well, if I have to suffer
this, I won't do it alone."  He said as he began typing.

	"Geeze, that says a lot for what he thinks of me."

	Suddenly a holographic person materializes next to Tempest.

	"Please state the nature of the medical emergency," recited the hologram. 
Tempest cursed inwardly before hitting the panel a few more times causing
the hologram to trade its black and blue jumpsuit for casual clothes with a
trench coat and a chest plate.

	"Intriguing," was the only thing he said.

	"Gary," Tempest began.  "I'd like you to meet Richard Vedas.  He's the
most developed character I've created and this program has been equipped
with all my notes and released works concerning him."

	That was all he could get off before the sirens went off and a big
holographic "FANFIC ALERT" sign appeared.  Tempest shrugged and walked
towards the theatre, with Richard close behind.

6 - [One of the doors from Star Trek: The Next generation, its opens with a
hiss of air]

5 - [A steel safe door, the tumblers click into place and it swings out]

4 - [A paper wall with the word 'Braves' on it. A football player proceeds
to run through it with a football]

3 - [A electromagnetic forcefield that sputters and shimmers as it shuts
down]

2 - [A glass patio door, as it opens you realize that its not the same as
what you saw through the door]

1 -  [An old submarine hatch spins and swings into the theatre]


<Tempest strolls down to the second to front row of seats and puts his feet
up.  Richard follows close behind but sits normally.>

Tuxedo Mars
by Mark Doherty(mdoherty@mailbox.uq.edu.au)

Tempest: Does this mean his Tuxedo is filled with caramel and nougat?
 

Shortfic? Sillyfic? Prelude to a 20 chapter opus?

Richard: Mr. Holland's Opus?

Gary: As indecision strikes the author, he is unable to continue the fic;
and there was much rejoicing.

All [softly]: yea, yea

Don't ask. Just don't ask. I honestly wish I'd been drunk or suffering

from

lack of sleep or something when I wrote this, but I have no such excuse.

Tempest: This is sad, he couldn't even make up a decent excuse.

Gary: I bet he WAS drunk and he's trying to cover it up.

Richard: Is this the best we can do?

The saddest thing is, it wouldn't surprise me if someone else has already
done this one. If someone has already done it, then they're a sad,

strange

little person. ^_^

 
Tempest: Its not the size that counts, its how you use it.

And another Sailor Moon fic. Oh well, whatever works, I guess. C&C

welcome.

Tempest: And WHAT'S wrong with Sailor Moon fics?

Gary: Other than they suffer from lack of story line and seriousness?
 
Richard: That must mean I'm a contradiction in terms.

Tempest: You're just a contradiction in rational thought.

Richard: You wrote me.

Tempest: �

Sailor Moon and associated characters/background were created by
Naoko Takeuchi. No disrespect is intended in their use. No, really,
I mean that. Don't look at me that way.

Gary: He's talking to himself again.

Richard: I'll get the Prozac.
 

++++++++++++++++

Tempest: I guess this means it's a 'plus' that the notes are over.

Gary: Please tear at the dotted line
 

The gods give, the gods take away. Their gifts are mighty, and mortal
minds were not meant to examine their munificence. Their divine will
empowers us all, they can do no wrong. For are they not...

Tempest: Damn, gods are greedy, selfish and egotistic.

Gary: not�? What?

Richard: Not enough time to finish that sentence before posting.

Oh, let's face it. Sometimes the gods just screw up.

 
Tempest: I'm glad the author is here to tell us these things

Gary: I guess this means the narrator isn't a god

++++++++++++++++

In heaven, specifically the department of Gifts From the Gods, two

dieties

bumped into each other, accidentally spilling the contents of their
folders all over the floor.

Tempest: In the great office building in the sky�

Gary: � two people on a diet are so skinny they can't see each other�

Richard: � so they 'bump' into each other and spill their Gifts From the
Gods all over the nice floor.

Tempest:  That's right, Gifts from the Gods for all your gift giving needs
to everyday mortals.

Gary: That's only $9.95 plus delivery.  Gods are not responsible for
damaged goods dropped from the heavens.

After a bit of apologising, and a promise to
meet later for drinks and a bit of smiting, the two gods cleaned up the
mess of papers as best they could, putting them back into the folders

they

thought were the right ones.

A few mixups occured with the gifts from the gods.

Tempest: So the stork with the gorilla got mixed up with the one with bugs
bunny.

Gary: That's why my sister was so hary�

A letch from Tomobiki was born with the ability to see through anything,
instead of the ability to survive shocking amounts of damage. Sure, he
lived a far shorter life because of it, but at least he died smiling.

Tempest: Excuse me ma'am, if you could pick up my wallet for me� oh yeah..

Richard: Tempest�

Tempest: What's wrong with the 'naked' truth?

Gary: This conversation is going nowhere�
 

A martial artist who eventually lived in Nerima was born with a whole bag
of extra gifts, including a romantic backbone, an ability to think before
speaking, extraordinary intelligence, and humility. He still couldn't

solve

his fiance troubles.

Tempest: This wouldn't be that nameless series that everyone likes to write
fics about and never read Sailor Moon ones, is it?

Gary: Is that finance or fianc�e?

Richard: So either he's broke, or he's still at the altar.  Either way he's
screwed.

And in Juuban...

Tempest:  Its not grammatically correct to start a sentence with 'And'.

Gary: Actually, this is a show of author style, its quite fine.

Tempest: Grrrrr
 

++++++++++++++++

"Naru-chan? She's in danger!"

"You are now Sailor Moon, Usagi-chan! Go help her!"

Tempest: Was I too abrupt for you Sailor Moon?

Gary: This is called breaking the information to her, *lightly*
 

++++++++++++++++

The temple maiden screwed her eyes shut. There was something calling to
her, tearing at her, demanding she do something. Somebody needed her

help.

Tempest: Yikes! That must have hurt, screwing her eyes shut.

Gary: Maybe she was screwing, with her eyes � nah.
 
Richard:  Its nice to be needed

She gritted her teeth. The feeling just wouldn't go away, she had to do
something. She reached into her robes, pulling out the rose she had

picked

from the temple gardens that morning.

 
Tempest: I don't remember roses in the Temple Gardens.

Gary: Maybe she meant the temple at Bush Gardens.

Richard: Then we'd be sure the author was drunk.

++++++++++++++++

"Who is that?" The youma looked at the tuxedo-clad figure, wary of the
new foe. First this Sailor Moon person, and now another one?

"I am Tuxedo Mars. Stop being such a crybaby, Sailor Moon. Whining to
the youma isn't going to help."

Tempest: I guess this is what Mars calls 'Constructive Criticism'
 

"Wha? Why are you picking on me!? I didn't even want to be Sailor Moon!
Waaaahhhhhhhh!"

Gary: Egad! That's a long cry.

Tempest: What is the human need to say either "Wha?" or "What?" after
everything someone says?

Richard: Perhaps you full bred humans are slowly losing your hearing�

Gary: Oohh, and what are you?

Tempest: [quietly] Don't get into this, I haven't worked out the details
completely�
 
Richard: Why, I'm a vampire!

Tempest: ONLY PARTLY!

Gary: A vampire, huh?  I narrate vampires for breakfast.

Richard: What about Blood Omen: Legacy of Kain?

Gary: I wasn't asked to do that narrative�

Richard: A likely story�

Tempest: Speaking of which�

Tuxedo Mars and Luna sweatdropped.

Tempest: As if you can actually SEE this�

Gary: Oh please, like you've never used figurative storytelling.
 

"Use your tiara, Sailor Moon!" Luna cried out. "Say 'Moon Tiara Action',
and then throw it!"

 
Tempest: Normally, I'd have an inane comment about this cheesy dialogue,
but for some reason, it seems to fit in this fanfic.

Richard: The light suddenly dawns on him!

Tempest: �

"Why do I have to that?" Sailor Moon asked the cat. At the same time,
Tuxedo Mars was sneaking up on the youma, cane ready to strike in one

hand,

a spirit ward in the other.

"Just do it!" Luna cut off further argument from her new charge.

Tempest: Boy is she gonna get sued by Nike.

Gary: And now, replacing Michael Jordan, is new Basketball superstar�.
LUNA!
 
Tempest: That was reaching a bit�

Sailor Moon gave in to the cat, throwing the tiara at the youma with a
cry of "Moon Tiara Action!" The youma was hit by the glowing disc, and
crumbled into dust.

 
Gary: This is going to be hard to explain to the police�

Tempest: [As Sailor Moon] Oh Officer, I just did like my cat told me to do
and threw my beautiful tiara at the bad person and it just went away!

Gary: [As Officer] Uh-huh, now if you'll just try on this nice white jacket
with the long sleeves.

Tuxedo Mars blinked, before lowering the cane. "Not bad, Sailor Moon.
Maybe you're not a complete ditz after all." The masked figure waved,
before flying through a nearby open window.

Tempest:  There always seems to be a window nearby Tuxedo Mask.. uhh.. I
mean Mars.. I mean. .uh.. Tuxedo�

Gary: Don't Mess with it!

Tempest: What?

Richard: I suppose he felt he needed a homage to Space Quest 4. 

"Yes, good job, Sailor Moon." Luna added.

Gary: At least she hadn't subtracted
 

Sailor Moon sighed. "What a man..."

Tempest: Umm.. we'll get to this later 

"Ummm..." Luna fidgeted, not an easy thing for a cat. "Are you sure that
was a man? I mean, he was wearing a man's suit, but he sure looked a bit
padded in certain areas, if you know what I mean..."

 
Gary: This wasn't very much later�

Tempest:  Padded?  So Mars has an inferiority complex?

Richard: Perchance she meant that she looked more round and soft in some
areas.

Gary and Tempest: What?!

Richard: �

Tempest: If you'll allow me�

Gary: Be my guest.

Tempest: DON'T MESS WITH IT!

++++++++++++++++

In an apartment a few streets away, a nineteen year old college student
sat staring at a red pen in his hand.

 
Tempest: Wow a pen, I wish I had one of these when I was a lad

"Perhaps this thing holds the key to unlocking my memories." he mused.
"It did just appear from nowhere one day, after all."

 
Gary: Maybe I'll win the Lottery Too!

Tempest: All you need is a pen and a dream.

"It's strange. Whenever I hold it, I feel words in my head, just waiting
to be said." He thought about it, before he decided. "Why not? What's the
worst that can happen?"

 
Richard: Words like� "I'm a cross dresser".

Tempest: Does it whisper sweet nothings in your ear?

He stood, held the pen up, and shouted "Mars power make up!"

Light exploded, and a new super hero was born.

 
Tempest: I wonder how big an explosion is necessary to make Light explode.

Gary: This isn't anything like that giant space fetus in 2001?

"Such a feeling of power... Say, why is it so drafty in here all of a
sudden? And why does it feel like I'm wearing high heels?"

 
Gary: Talking to oneself is the first sign that oneself is becoming
twoselves

Tempest: [eyes widen]  I think YOU'RE drunk now.

Richard: At least this fic is almost over.

There was a slight pause, as realisation set in. And then, the screaming
started.

 
Gary: Realization not realisation

Tempest: Now you're a spelling critic.

Gary: Hey, you gotta work your strengths.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Richard: Certainly is a positive attitude around here.

Gary: Perhaps they were having a shortage on stars this week
 

What do people think? Should this travesty be continued, or should I
slink back to I'm Here to Help, and actually finish off that %&$^!^$
100% Woman (Writers block sucks, do you know that? Especially when you've
only got it for one storyline.)

 
Tempest, Richard, and Gary: WAIT! HE WAS SERIOUS WITH THIS FIC?!? 
 
[silence]

Tempest: You learn something new every day.

Gary: Oh yeah, like the limits of one's better judgement.

************  
Mark Doherty  -  mdoherty@mailbox.uq.edu.au
The Weekly FFML Synopses Lists are at:
http://www.uq.edu.au/~zzhdoher

My fanfics will be back on the web sooner or later.

Tempest: Threat or Blessing?

Gary: Hey, I actually liked that "I'm Here to Help" thing.

Tempest: Don't even get me started on that fic, you KNOW I have a lot to
say about that fic.

Gary: [snickers] Why, what ever could you mean? Not like you spend waking
hours of the night thinking about it.
 
Richard: Both of you, be quiet.

"Time grows short, but I remain tall."

Gary: No Comment.

1 -  [An old submarine hatch spins and swings back into place]

2 - [A glass patio door, as it closes you realize that its not the same as
what you saw originally]

3 - [A electromagnetic forcefield that sputters and shimmers as it
activates]

4 - [A torn paper wall with the word 'Braves' on it. A football player
proceeds to tape up the hole while holding a football]

5 - [A steel safe door, the tumblers click out of order and it swings in]

6 - [One of the doors from Star Trek: The Next generation, its closes with
a hiss of air]

	Tempest and Richard stroll into the room wearing fedoras and laughing. 
Tempest is, again, in the middle of talking as they enter the room.  "�so
you say, 'Sweet' as you pull out your Sword of Power and eviscerate the
senior staff of the hotel!"
	"And this sells in the Fanfic market?" Richard inquired.
	"Yes!  And it'll add a unique continuity for the rest of my fanfics." 
Both of them seem to ponder the possibilities before Dr. F's holographic
image appears again.  Tempest suddenly stiffens and Richard dematerializes
back into the main computer.
	"Well, if it isn't my guinea pigs, are you spirits broken yet?" the doctor
said cheerfully.
	"Yeah, right Dr. F-man. Like you could ever triumph over me?," Tempest
responded with a laugh.  "Now, can you let us back to earth now?"
	"I've got a date with a Space Quest 7 voice director you know," said Gary
Owens.  "I really can't be late."
	"No way," Dr. F sternly said.  "You're gonna suffer through these fics
until your spirit is broken and that's final!"  His image seemed to shake
before disappearing back into the computer.
	Tempest looks around the room, futilely looking for a place to direct his
statement to.  "Looks like we're gonna be here for a while, Gary," he
alluded.
	"Oh joy, like this is how I planned to spend my years," Gary retorted.
	"No choice in the matter, man.  Just live with it."
	"Just hope there's a better fic for next week�"


**************
Authors Notes:
	I can only hope that no one becomes offended by this.  I felt it was
necessary to join the large band of rebels who have been doing MST3K's in
the last few months.  While each one of them adds a twist to the mix, I
managed to compile a few of the idea's I liked from a bunch I read and
mixed it into this MFT9K.
	As for Mark, I can only say that this is a form of comments and criticism
and to be taken lightly.  Don't overreact like SOME people I know�

	Sailor Moon is owned by Naoko Takeuchi, and is copyright 1992-1997. 
Mystery Science Theatre 3000 was owned by Comedy Central when Dr. F was
around, but is now owned by the Sci-fi channel which is where Pearl came
from. Don't sue me or anything drastic like that.


In the Not-too-distant future
Somewhere in time and space
Mike Nelson and his robots
Are floating out in space.

The bots and Mike were cool
Their show won the ratings pool
But the producers wanted new guys
So they turned to the most despised

I'm just a stupid Author
The worse, of my kind (la la la)
But since I'm stuck in this ship
I'll drive everyone out of their mind

Now keep in mind Tempest can't control
Where these fics begin or end
But he'll survive every one of them
With the help of his few fake friends

FAKE FRIEND ROLL CALL!

Richie! (Hey!)
Seether!
Mystery! (?)
Gary Ooooooooowans!

If you're wondering how he eats and breathes
And other science facts (la la la)
Just repeat to yourself "It's just a thread
I should really just relax."

1 - [A hatch closes shut]
2 - [A Gate drops down]
3 - [A Draw bridge raises]
4 - [The sections of the door close in from the sides]
5 - [Two doors close inwards]
6 - [The sides of the wall close in and latch itself]

	Crow, Mike and Tom Servo are standing around staring at each other.  Their
heads move from one face then to another.

	"Did anyone ELSE find something completely wrong with that intro?" Tom
finally asked.

	"Yeah, it seemed like we're being cancelled," Crow responded.

	They all simultaneously turn to the camera and stare off into the
audience.  Mike quickly regains his posture.  "I'm there's a reasonable
explanation for it, we'll just contact Dr. F and find out all about it�"

	"Mike," Crow interrupted.  "We've moved over that arc in this series."

	"Yeah," Tom chimed, then asked,  "maybe we should contact, Mrs. F."

	Again, they all look at each other then shake their heads quickly.  They
all let out a "Nah."

	"You know," Mike continued.  "Your voice sounds different Crow, are you
feeling alright."

	"Why, I'm operating within full boundaries of my programming," said Crow.

	"I don't know, you still sound a bit different," Mike pursued.

	"You know, I think Mike is right," Tom said.  "You sound different than
before but familiar.  You don't think�"

	Just then the viewsceen turned itself on and displayed the ever familiar
face of Dr. Forrester.

	"Hello, Mike," the Doctor welcomed, then sneered, "Robots."

	"Dr. F, its been a long time," said Mike.

	"But not long enough," grumbled Crow.

	"Well, your prayers are being answered, I'm replacing you as test
specimens," said Dr. F.

	The three looked shocked beyond belief. "Does that mean we get to go
home?" Mike asked.

	"No, I have an even greater job for you.  Oh Pearl!"

	"Ahh no. Not another season with HER." Tom cursed.

	"Do with them as you wish sweetie, I have other fish to fry," laughed Dr.
F.  Pearl Forrester merely cackled in response.


In another, unseen until now part of the Satellite of Love�


	"� so the man says, that's what your napkin is for!" smiled Tempest as he
finished his joke.  The room was unusually silent afterwards.

	"Is that the BEST you can do?" asked the voice of Gary Owens, who intends
to and will be without a body for the duration of this arc.

	"Oh come on, I'm working with almost nothing here.  Besides its hard to
talk to a someone without a body."

	"Oh fine, try and strike a personal blow at me."

	Just then, the interdimensional, subspace holographic communicator light
flashed.  The ID beacon identified the signal coming from a one 'Doctor
Forrester, supreme ruler of Earth.'  Tempest just cringed at the thought
and pressed the receive button.

	Dr. Forrester's head appeared, floating over the console.  "Well, isn't it
nice to have new people to play with."

	Tempest seemed less than subdued. "Listen Doc, I didn't sign on for this
and want to know how I can get off this hunk of flying junk."

	"There's an image easy to visualize," commented Gary.

	The Doc just laughed.  "Oh, you don't know how wonderful it is to hear
young, spirited people just before I rob them of their sanity.  But getting
down to business, today's Fanfic is�"

	"Hold the phone there buster, I told you I don't want to have any
involvement in this, now just use your transporters or shuttlecrafts or
whatever and take me home!"  Tempest's blood pressure rose a few notches
causing the anti-stress devices to come on and give him a back rub and
shoulder massage.

	"No one leaves the Satellite of Love, not until their will has been
completely broken.  But until that time comes, you will watch these fanfics
or you'll find yourself floating in space."  The Doc turned around and
picked up a mini-disc. "Your Fanfic for today is Tuxedo Mars by Mark
Doherty. And its only a taste of what's to come."

	The image of the Doc fizzled out of existence and Tempest was left alone
with just himself and Gary's voice.  Tempest clenched his fist and slammed
it against the panel, causing the anti-stress devices to come out again.

	"You know, maybe this won't be too bad," Gary stated.

	"Easy for you to say, you're only a voice," Tempest replied.  He looked at
the panel he hit the got a grin on his face. "Well, if I have to suffer
this, I won't do it alone."  He said as he began typing.

	"Geeze, that says a lot for what he thinks of me."

	Suddenly a holographic person materializes next to Tempest.

	"Please state the nature of the medical emergency," recited the hologram. 
Tempest cursed inwardly before hitting the panel a few more times causing
the hologram to trade its black and blue jumpsuit for casual clothes with a
trench coat and a chest plate.

	"Intriguing," was the only thing he said.

	"Gary," Tempest began.  "I'd like you to meet Richard Vedas.  He's the
most developed character I've created and this program has been equipped
with all my notes and released works concerning him."

	That was all he could get off before the sirens went off and a big
holographic "FANFIC ALERT" sign appeared.  Tempest shrugged and walked
towards the theatre, with Richard close behind.

6 - [One of the doors from Star Trek: The Next generation, its opens with a
hiss of air]

5 - [A steel safe door, the tumblers click into place and it swings out]

4 - [A paper wall with the word 'Braves' on it. A football player proceeds
to run through it with a football]

3 - [A electromagnetic forcefield that sputters and shimmers as it shuts
down]

2 - [A glass patio door, as it opens you realize that its not the same as
what you saw through the door]

1 -  [An old submarine hatch spins and swings into the theatre]


<Tempest strolls down to the second to front row of seats and puts his feet
up.  Richard follows close behind but sits normally.>

Tuxedo Mars
by Mark Doherty(mdoherty@mailbox.uq.edu.au)

Tempest: Does this mean his Tuxedo is filled with caramel and nougat?
 

Shortfic? Sillyfic? Prelude to a 20 chapter opus?

Richard: Mr. Holland's Opus?

Gary: As indecision strikes the author, he is unable to continue the fic;
and there was much rejoicing.

All [softly]: yea, yea

Don't ask. Just don't ask. I honestly wish I'd been drunk or suffering

from

lack of sleep or something when I wrote this, but I have no such excuse.

Tempest: This is sad, he couldn't even make up a decent excuse.

Gary: I bet he WAS drunk and he's trying to cover it up.

Richard: Is this the best we can do?

The saddest thing is, it wouldn't surprise me if someone else has already
done this one. If someone has already done it, then they're a sad,

strange

little person. ^_^

 
Tempest: Its not the size that counts, its how you use it.

And another Sailor Moon fic. Oh well, whatever works, I guess. C&C

welcome.

Tempest: And WHAT'S wrong with Sailor Moon fics?

Gary: Other than they suffer from lack of story line and seriousness?
 
Richard: That must mean I'm a contradiction in terms.

Tempest: You're just a contradiction in rational thought.

Richard: You wrote me.

Tempest: �

Sailor Moon and associated characters/background were created by
Naoko Takeuchi. No disrespect is intended in their use. No, really,
I mean that. Don't look at me that way.

Gary: He's talking to himself again.

Richard: I'll get the Prozac.
 

++++++++++++++++

Tempest: I guess this means it's a 'plus' that the notes are over.

Gary: Please tear at the dotted line
 

The gods give, the gods take away. Their gifts are mighty, and mortal
minds were not meant to examine their munificence. Their divine will
empowers us all, they can do no wrong. For are they not...

Tempest: Damn, gods are greedy, selfish and egotistic.

Gary: not�? What?

Richard: Not enough time to finish that sentence before posting.

Oh, let's face it. Sometimes the gods just screw up.

 
Tempest: I'm glad the author is here to tell us these things

Gary: I guess this means the narrator isn't a god

++++++++++++++++

In heaven, specifically the department of Gifts From the Gods, two

dieties

bumped into each other, accidentally spilling the contents of their
folders all over the floor.

Tempest: In the great office building in the sky�

Gary: � two people on a diet are so skinny they can't see each other�

Richard: � so they 'bump' into each other and spill their Gifts From the
Gods all over the nice floor.

Tempest:  That's right, Gifts from the Gods for all your gift giving needs
to everyday mortals.

Gary: That's only $9.95 plus delivery.  Gods are not responsible for
damaged goods dropped from the heavens.

After a bit of apologising, and a promise to
meet later for drinks and a bit of smiting, the two gods cleaned up the
mess of papers as best they could, putting them back into the folders

they

thought were the right ones.

A few mixups occured with the gifts from the gods.

Tempest: So the stork with the gorilla got mixed up with the one with bugs
bunny.

Gary: That's why my sister was so hary�

A letch from Tomobiki was born with the ability to see through anything,
instead of the ability to survive shocking amounts of damage. Sure, he
lived a far shorter life because of it, but at least he died smiling.

Tempest: Excuse me ma'am, if you could pick up my wallet for me� oh yeah..

Richard: Tempest�

Tempest: What's wrong with the 'naked' truth?

Gary: This conversation is going nowhere�
 

A martial artist who eventually lived in Nerima was born with a whole bag
of extra gifts, including a romantic backbone, an ability to think before
speaking, extraordinary intelligence, and humility. He still couldn't

solve

his fiance troubles.

Tempest: This wouldn't be that nameless series that everyone likes to write
fics about and never read Sailor Moon ones, is it?

Gary: Is that finance or fianc�e?

Richard: So either he's broke, or he's still at the altar.  Either way he's
screwed.

And in Juuban...

Tempest:  Its not grammatically correct to start a sentence with 'And'.

Gary: Actually, this is a show of author style, its quite fine.

Tempest: Grrrrr
 

++++++++++++++++

"Naru-chan? She's in danger!"

"You are now Sailor Moon, Usagi-chan! Go help her!"

Tempest: Was I too abrupt for you Sailor Moon?

Gary: This is called breaking the information to her, *lightly*
 

++++++++++++++++

The temple maiden screwed her eyes shut. There was something calling to
her, tearing at her, demanding she do something. Somebody needed her

help.

Tempest: Yikes! That must have hurt, screwing her eyes shut.

Gary: Maybe she was screwing, with her eyes � nah.
 
Richard:  Its nice to be needed

She gritted her teeth. The feeling just wouldn't go away, she had to do
something. She reached into her robes, pulling out the rose she had

picked

from the temple gardens that morning.

 
Tempest: I don't remember roses in the Temple Gardens.

Gary: Maybe she meant the temple at Bush Gardens.

Richard: Then we'd be sure the author was drunk.

++++++++++++++++

"Who is that?" The youma looked at the tuxedo-clad figure, wary of the
new foe. First this Sailor Moon person, and now another one?

"I am Tuxedo Mars. Stop being such a crybaby, Sailor Moon. Whining to
the youma isn't going to help."

Tempest: I guess this is what Mars calls 'Constructive Criticism'
 

"Wha? Why are you picking on me!? I didn't even want to be Sailor Moon!
Waaaahhhhhhhh!"

Gary: Egad! That's a long cry.

Tempest: What is the human need to say either "Wha?" or "What?" after
everything someone says?

Richard: Perhaps you full bred humans are slowly losing your hearing�

Gary: Oohh, and what are you?

Tempest: [quietly] Don't get into this, I haven't worked out the details
completely�
 
Richard: Why, I'm a vampire!

Tempest: ONLY PARTLY!

Gary: A vampire, huh?  I narrate vampires for breakfast.

Richard: What about Blood Omen: Legacy of Kain?

Gary: I wasn't asked to do that narrative�

Richard: A likely story�

Tempest: Speaking of which�

Tuxedo Mars and Luna sweatdropped.

Tempest: As if you can actually SEE this�

Gary: Oh please, like you've never used figurative storytelling.
 

"Use your tiara, Sailor Moon!" Luna cried out. "Say 'Moon Tiara Action',
and then throw it!"

 
Tempest: Normally, I'd have an inane comment about this cheesy dialogue,
but for some reason, it seems to fit in this fanfic.

Richard: The light suddenly dawns on him!

Tempest: �

"Why do I have to that?" Sailor Moon asked the cat. At the same time,
Tuxedo Mars was sneaking up on the youma, cane ready to strike in one

hand,

a spirit ward in the other.

"Just do it!" Luna cut off further argument from her new charge.

Tempest: Boy is she gonna get sued by Nike.

Gary: And now, replacing Michael Jordan, is new Basketball superstar�.
LUNA!
 
Tempest: That was reaching a bit�

Sailor Moon gave in to the cat, throwing the tiara at the youma with a
cry of "Moon Tiara Action!" The youma was hit by the glowing disc, and
crumbled into dust.

 
Gary: This is going to be hard to explain to the police�

Tempest: [As Sailor Moon] Oh Officer, I just did like my cat told me to do
and threw my beautiful tiara at the bad person and it just went away!

Gary: [As Officer] Uh-huh, now if you'll just try on this nice white jacket
with the long sleeves.

Tuxedo Mars blinked, before lowering the cane. "Not bad, Sailor Moon.
Maybe you're not a complete ditz after all." The masked figure waved,
before flying through a nearby open window.

Tempest:  There always seems to be a window nearby Tuxedo Mask.. uhh.. I
mean Mars.. I mean. .uh.. Tuxedo�

Gary: Don't Mess with it!

Tempest: What?

Richard: I suppose he felt he needed a homage to Space Quest 4. 

"Yes, good job, Sailor Moon." Luna added.

Gary: At least she hadn't subtracted
 

Sailor Moon sighed. "What a man..."

Tempest: Umm.. we'll get to this later 

"Ummm..." Luna fidgeted, not an easy thing for a cat. "Are you sure that
was a man? I mean, he was wearing a man's suit, but he sure looked a bit
padded in certain areas, if you know what I mean..."

 
Gary: This wasn't very much later�

Tempest:  Padded?  So Mars has an inferiority complex?

Richard: Perchance she meant that she looked more round and soft in some
areas.

Gary and Tempest: What?!

Richard: �

Tempest: If you'll allow me�

Gary: Be my guest.

Tempest: DON'T MESS WITH IT!

++++++++++++++++

In an apartment a few streets away, a nineteen year old college student
sat staring at a red pen in his hand.

 
Tempest: Wow a pen, I wish I had one of these when I was a lad

"Perhaps this thing holds the key to unlocking my memories." he mused.
"It did just appear from nowhere one day, after all."

 
Gary: Maybe I'll win the Lottery Too!

Tempest: All you need is a pen and a dream.

"It's strange. Whenever I hold it, I feel words in my head, just waiting
to be said." He thought about it, before he decided. "Why not? What's the
worst that can happen?"

 
Richard: Words like� "I'm a cross dresser".

Tempest: Does it whisper sweet nothings in your ear?

He stood, held the pen up, and shouted "Mars power make up!"

Light exploded, and a new super hero was born.

 
Tempest: I wonder how big an explosion is necessary to make Light explode.

Gary: This isn't anything like that giant space fetus in 2001?

"Such a feeling of power... Say, why is it so drafty in here all of a
sudden? And why does it feel like I'm wearing high heels?"

 
Gary: Talking to oneself is the first sign that oneself is becoming
twoselves

Tempest: [eyes widen]  I think YOU'RE drunk now.

Richard: At least this fic is almost over.

There was a slight pause, as realisation set in. And then, the screaming
started.

 
Gary: Realization not realisation

Tempest: Now you're a spelling critic.

Gary: Hey, you gotta work your strengths.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Richard: Certainly is a positive attitude around here.

Gary: Perhaps they were having a shortage on stars this week
 

What do people think? Should this travesty be continued, or should I
slink back to I'm Here to Help, and actually finish off that %&$^!^$
100% Woman (Writers block sucks, do you know that? Especially when you've
only got it for one storyline.)

 
Tempest, Richard, and Gary: WAIT! HE WAS SERIOUS WITH THIS FIC?!? 
 
[silence]

Tempest: You learn something new every day.

Gary: Oh yeah, like the limits of one's better judgement.

************  
Mark Doherty  -  mdoherty@mailbox.uq.edu.au
The Weekly FFML Synopses Lists are at:
http://www.uq.edu.au/~zzhdoher

My fanfics will be back on the web sooner or later.

Tempest: Threat or Blessing?

Gary: Hey, I actually liked that "I'm Here to Help" thing.

Tempest: Don't even get me started on that fic, you KNOW I have a lot to
say about that fic.

Gary: [snickers] Why, what ever could you mean? Not like you spend waking
hours of the night thinking about it.
 
Richard: Both of you, be quiet.

"Time grows short, but I remain tall."

Gary: No Comment.

1 -  [An old submarine hatch spins and swings back into place]

2 - [A glass patio door, as it closes you realize that its not the same as
what you saw originally]

3 - [A electromagnetic forcefield that sputters and shimmers as it
activates]

4 - [A torn paper wall with the word 'Braves' on it. A football player
proceeds to tape up the hole while holding a football]

5 - [A steel safe door, the tumblers click out of order and it swings in]

6 - [One of the doors from Star Trek: The Next generation, its closes with
a hiss of air]

	Tempest and Richard stroll into the room wearing fedoras and laughing. 
Tempest is, again, in the middle of talking as they enter the room.  "�so
you say, 'Sweet' as you pull out your Sword of Power and eviscerate the
senior staff of the hotel!"
	"And this sells in the Fanfic market?" Richard inquired.
	"Yes!  And it'll add a unique continuity for the rest of my fanfics." 
Both of them seem to ponder the possibilities before Dr. F's holographic
image appears again.  Tempest suddenly stiffens and Richard dematerializes
back into the main computer.
	"Well, if it isn't my guinea pigs, are you spirits broken yet?" the doctor
said cheerfully.
	"Yeah, right Dr. F-man. Like you could ever triumph over me?," Tempest
responded with a laugh.  "Now, can you let us back to earth now?"
	"I've got a date with a Space Quest 7 voice director you know," said Gary
Owens.  "I really can't be late."
	"No way," Dr. F sternly said.  "You're gonna suffer through these fics
until your spirit is broken and that's final!"  His image seemed to shake
before disappearing back into the computer.
	Tempest looks around the room, futilely looking for a place to direct his
statement to.  "Looks like we're gonna be here for a while, Gary," he
alluded.
	"Oh joy, like this is how I planned to spend my years," Gary retorted.
	"No choice in the matter, man.  Just live with it."
	"Just hope there's a better fic for next week�"


**************
Authors Notes:
	I can only hope that no one becomes offended by this.  I felt it was
necessary to join the large band of rebels who have been doing MST3K's in
the last few months.  While each one of them adds a twist to the mix, I
managed to compile a few of the idea's I liked from a bunch I read and
mixed it into this MFT9K.
	As for Mark, I can only say that this is a form of comments and criticism
and to be taken lightly.  Don't overreact like SOME people I know�

	Sailor Moon is owned by Naoko Takeuchi, and is copyright 1992-1997. 
Mystery Science Theatre 3000 was owned by Comedy Central when Dr. F was
around, but is now owned by the Sci-fi channel which is where Pearl came
from. Don't sue me or anything drastic like that.