On Thu, 25 Sep 1997, Jeanne Hedge wrote:

A few more comments

At 11:18 AM 9/24/97 -0500, Ranma Al'Thor wrote:

     The young officer saluted the commander.  "Sir, the operation is
complete.  The final locks have clicked into place.  KAIN will never
bother the galaxy again."

Rule #1 (of life *or* anime):  Never say Never   ^_^

Heh.  Quite :)
 

She was short, and in excellent shape for a woman of her age,
thought she had a slight limp in her right leg.  Whatever that was

 ^^^^^^^  = though?

exactly.

Whatever *what* was? The limp or the leg?

Uhhh...I think I meant, whatever her age was exactly.  I'll have to fix
that and make it mo' comprehensible.
 

     "What other job lets you blow up Genom corporate property legally on
a daily basis?"  Leon started checking the menu.

     Ryu laughed.  "Well, other than working FOR Genom.  They blow up
enough of their own property for five companies."

     Priss started checking out the menu.  "Besides, if I joined the
ADPolice, they might stick me with you, Leon."

A bit of personal preference on my part, I guess, but I think it sounds
really weird to use almost the exact same phrase to describe Leon's action
and then Priss's action a few seconds later.

Nod.  'Phrase repetition bad', 'phrase variety good'.  Will fix.
 

     "However, this proved unnecessary, as the offending sexaroid was
found tied up on the roof of the ADPolice building, with photographic
evidence and a Tarot card, the Queen of Swords, lying nearby.  The
suspected sexaroid claimed a flying woman in a kimono with a glowing sword
had captured her.  The investigation remains in progress."  The newsman
paused and shuffled some papers on his desk.

IIRC, Sexaroids are not common on Earth - weren't they legally banned
because of their ability to synchronize with certain types of weaponry?  And
Genom shipped them all off to Genaros?  If so, wouldn't the newscast be
playing up the appearance of a banned boomer-type as well?

Good point.  I should have known that, but didn't think about it :)

Will fix.
 

<    There had been an earthquake a little while earlier.  Priscilla
Samantha Asagiri had never experienced one before.  She hoped no one had
gotten hurt.  She tried calling some people, but the phone lines were
dead, so she turned on the CD player to listen to some music and wait for
her parents to get home. 

Does Priss live outside Tokyo? (because the 2nd Kanto was only be an
'earthquake' (as opposed to a disaster) and her home still has utility
services (electricity, definitely)?) If so, why would she be sent to an
orphanage *in* Tokyo - wouldn't they (if they still stand) be overflowing
and unable to take outsiders?

She's in the greater Tokyo sprawl, but not close enough in for the quake
to annhilate everything.  As to the Orphanage...I dunno. I may rewrite
this scene so that the earthquake stops the music instead of the cop
visiting.  I'm probably just being too much in love with my own writing :)

     Priss smiled in a rather uncharacteristical way.  "Me too.  I almost

I think the word you want is 'uncharacteristic'  (I don't think
'uncharacteristical' is a word)

Nod.
\ 

    Celia nodded.  "I'll chew out Linna in the morning.  Macky, take them
home."

    He did.

Again with the personal preference, but I'm finding these little "wrap-ups"
(like this one) and the end-of-section foreshadownings amazingly annoying.
Most of the time you don't really need them - they don't do anything to
advance the story.  In the above case, you can end the section with Sylia's

I dunno.  I don't feel comfortable just trailing off with her statement
there.  A taste thing.  Of course, I have a tendency to spend eons trying 
to do transitions, but almost ANYWHERE I break a scene, I get antsy as to 
if it's a good scene break.

Obviously I've been reading ahead ^_^

Hai.
 

Speaking of which, in a later section you have a flashback with Chief Goto
and Chief Shinobu.  That would be like having a scene with Chief Biles and
Chief Jeanne. The woman's family name is Nagumo. Shinobu is her given name. 

D'oh!  Again, I should know better, but I goofed anyway.  Thanks!


John Walter Biles :  MA-History, Ph.D Wannabe at U. Kansas         
ranma@falcon.cc.ukans.edu       
rhea@tass.org              http://www.tass.org/~rhea/falcon.html
rhea@maison-otaku.net      http://www.maison-otaku.net/~rhea/

      It sought to scour him to ash, but he would not burn.  It tried to 
crush him, but he would not be broken.  It tried to blow him away, but he 
would not move.  He locked his mind around it and struck back with his 
anger, binding it with the power within himself.  He had gone beyond 
rage, into the calm at the heart of the hurricane of his anger.  By 
turning his anger outward, he mastered it, and now he did the same for 
the power.

                                   --from 'Power', the first third of my
unfinished story, 'Parallel Lives'.