Ok, here goes, the third installment of our little self-
insertion fanfic. C&C welcomed. Flames will be met with
retalliation. Send it all to MIDP@Rocketmail.com
In case you don�t know the symbols used in this story, here
they are:
� � -sarcasm
< > --thought
[ ] -action, setting, other occurrences
{ } -Panda sign
And now, On with the show!
Recap of previous events: John and Paul flash back and tell
the Tendos/Saotomes how Paul�s �shortcut� got them lost,
and how they ended up in China. Ranma and Mr. Saotome
explain Jusenkyo and the curse story to John and Paul.
Then Meng Lie, the crazed Amazon who is out for John�s
blood, pays a visit to the dojo. John and Paul fend her off,
and turn her into a Chihuahua. Then Akane, thinking she is
sooo smart, dumps hot water onto Meng Lie Chihuahua,
turning her back to a human...a naked human. John stares,
gets labeled a pervert by Akane, and is kicked from the
dojo. He lands in Uc-Chans, and has to repair the damage
to the roof.
Ukyo: [GLARES at John] You�re lucky to be alive, sugar,
now go away! I have work to do.
[John leaves, and heads for the Tendo Dojo.]
And now...
JPR� Part 3
By: John Harding and Paul Schumacher
[The scene opens with Paul and Ranma working on the wall
that Meng Lie crashed through earlier. Ranma has just
finished telling Paul about Ryoga�s sense of direction, and
his curese.]
Paul: Heh heh heh, well my sense of direction isn�t that
bad. Usually I have no problems getting to where I need to
go. It�s just whenever I try to take a shortcut...
Ranma: I see.
Paul: And John never stops me. I don�t know how many
times my shortcuts have added hours to our journeys, and
the mook keeps going along with it.
Ranma: How�s his sense of direction.
Paul: Just fine...you�d think we�d learn.
Ranma: Heh heh heh.
[Pan to the streets of Nerima. John is wandering around
trying to find the Tendo Dojo. His sense of direction is fine,
if only he would swallow his pride and ask for directions.]
John: I could have sworn it was around here somewhere.
[He smells food] Hmmm...well, there�s plenty of time...I
think I�ll get a bite to eat.
[John follows the smell, to a small restaurant.]
John: Hmmm...Ne-nek-ko H-Han-ten...hmmm...Cat Caf�.
Sounds as good as any.
[John enters the Restaurant. His eyes bug out.]
John: (gapes at Shampoo, the waitress) Whoa!
Shampoo: (hearing John�s outburst) Welcome to Cat Caf�!
How can help you?
John: Uh...err...(having trouble understanding Shampoo�s
broken Japanese)...I�d like some food. What�s the
specialty?
Shampoo: Specialty is too too delicious ramen! Like
some?
John: (not quite following) <octopus ramen?!> Uh, ok.
I�ll have some of that.
[Shampoo disappears into the kitchen. A couple of minutes
later, she reappears bearing a bowl full of piping hot ramen.]
John: Mmmmm...Thanks!
[Shampoo smiles brightly, hands John his food, and goes to
help other customers. John looks at the ramen.]
John: This looks like chicken...[eats a little]...tastes like
chicken�
Cologne: It is chicken. Is there a problem?
John: Uh, no. Not at all. Thank you.
Cologne: Very well. Enjoy your meal. [She bounces away
on her stick.]
[John continues to eat, completely embarassed.]
[Pan back to the Tendo Dojo]
Ranma: [Putting the last of his tools away] So, how long
do you and your friend planning on staying here.
Paul: I don�t know...we�ve been traveling for so long, and
I�ve always wanted to visit Japan. Hey, do you know any
places around here that I might be able to make a little
money and stay for a little while.
Ranma: Well...[rubs his chin thoughtfully] like I said
earlier, the Cat Caf� had a help wanted sign the window last
I saw.
Paul: Uhg...my last job was at a restaurant...
Ranma: Well you can�t be too picky around here, there just
aren�t that many jobs.
Paul: [grumbles] Well, it�s a small price to pay to live the
Japanese dream. Can you show me where it is?
Ramna: Uh...[shifts uncomfortably] I really don�t want to
go there.
Paul: Why?
Ranma: Well, the waitress there is super crazy about me�
she thinks we�re engaged.
Paul: But I thought you were engaged to Akane.
Ranma: I am...sorta...but it�s all our parents� fault anyway.
Paul: Why would you agree to marry her if you knew you
were engaged?
Ranma: Well, her people have this weird rule that if an
outsider defeats one of them, the defeated Amazon must
marry the guy that beats her...
Paul: Did you say...Amazon?
Ranma: Yeah...why?
Paul: Well, do you remember Meng Lie?
Ranma: Yeah...
Paul: Well John defeated her, and she kissed him on the
cheek and has been trying to horribly dismember him ever
since!
Ranma: That�s weird...John is a guy, right?
Paul: (looks disgusted) OF COURSE HE IS!!!
Ranma: That�s really strange...she should be all over him
and calling him �airen� and other corny stuff.
Paul: Hmmm...well, can someone show me how to get to
the Cat Caf�?!
Ranma: I suppose I could, as long as Shampoo doesn�t see
me. I don�t want her around me all day.
Paul: Sounds fair. Just show me the building. I�ll go in
alone.
[Paul and Ranma head for the Nekohanten.]
[Pan to John. He is still eating. There are 6 empty bowls
next to him.]
[Paul and Ranma arrive just down the street from
Nekohanten.]
Ranma: It�s that one right over there...well, this is as far as
I care to go.
Paul: Ok, thanks. See ya around.
[Paul walks over to the door and looks around.]
Paul: [seeing John] Oh my god!
[John is sitting at a table, facing away from Paul. He is
eating. There are 12 empty ramen bowls next to him.]
Paul: JOHN!
[John whirls around to face Paul.]
John: Oh, hey Paul! How�s it goin�?
Paul: (still gaping at all the empty bowls) [walks up to
John] How do you intend to pay for all of this?!
John: (realizing he doesn�t have any money) Erk!
[Cut to scene of John and Paul washing dishes in the back
of the restaurant]
Paul: I still don�t see why I have to wash dishes too.
John: Because you were there.
Paul: [grumble, grumble, grumble] Sometimes I wonder
why I put up with you. [sigh] Oh well, I guess it could be
worse.
[No sooner does Paul say this when Moose walks into the
back with a huge stack and drops it on the counter. Paul
makes gurgling noises and lets out a huge sigh]
[We pan to the clock and it suddenly jumps from 8pm
o�clock to midnight. Pan back to a huge stack of clean
dishes.]
Paul: [Putting the last dish on the stack with a clink]
Whew, [cracks his back] it�s done.
John: *sigh* Well, that sucked. Time to go home!
Uh...where are we staying, Paul?
Paul: Uh...I don�t know. Maybe we should...
Shampoo: [coming out of nowhere] So you done now?
[John notices Shampoo and starts staring.]
Paul: Ms. Shampoo?
Shampoo: What you want?
Paul: I�m looking for employment.
Shampoo: What you say?
Paul: employment.
Shampoo: Huh?
Paul: a job.
Shampoo: Oh...what you do?
Paul: Um...I am a culinary specialist and a sanitary
engineer. I can also do outside transportation work.
Shampoo: Speak Japanese, stupid boy!
John: He can cook, clean, and do deliveries.
Shampoo: Oh, Shampoo understand...wait here minute.
[Both boys nod, but John�s line of vision seems to be a little
lower than Paul�s. Shampoo takes notice.]
Shampoo: (to John) What you looking at?!
John: Your breasts...no...I mean...that is...HAIR!!! I�m
looking at your beautiful hair!
Shampoo: Hentai! You no good! [Shampoo kicks John
out the door and across the street. She just stands there for
a minute breathing heavily.]
Paul: Uh...excuse me?
Shampoo: You! You leave too!
Paul: But...I didn�t do anything...[getting ready to cry]...I
just want a job.
Shampoo: You pathetic...just like stupid Tendo man! You
wait here minute!
[John gets up and hobbles away.]
Cologne: [Enters on her staff and gives Paul the once over]
So, my granddaughter tells me that you�re looking for a job.
Paul: [Trying not to stare at the one foot tall woman]
Uh...yes...
Cologne: You don�t sound very sure of yourself.
Paul: [Realizing he�s making an idiot of himself] Oh, well
I�m new to the area, that�s all. I need the money and was
told by a friend that job openings were here.
Cologne: Well you�re friend was right, I could use an extra
person to clean and give Shampoo a hand.
Paul: [Glances at Shampoo and smiles] Ok, I can do that.
Cologne: Wonderful! You start tomorrow.
Paul: Cool, but do you know where I can spend the night.
Cologne: You don�t have anywhere to go?
Paul: Well, no. I was staying with a friend but I don�t want
to impose.
Cologne: I see...well we do have a spare bed here, but it�s
not free.
Paul: How much?
Cologne: No, it won�t cost you money, I want you to clean
the shop every morning.
Paul: Well I can do that...
Cologne: Before we open.
Paul: When do we open?
Cologne: 6am.
Paul: *gasp* [makes a grotesque face then returns to
normal] ok.
[Pan to John. He is again wandering the streets of Nerima.]
John: Man, I need a place to stay. I�m tired.
[John stands there for a minute feeling sorry for himself.
Ryoga rounds the corner behind him.]
Ryoga: [notices John] <That guy looks kind of familiar...>
Hey! He�s the guy who stole my umbrella! [He starts
running toward John.] HEY YOU!!! GIVE ME BACK
MY UMBRELLA!!!
John: Huh? [turns around and sees Ryoga tearing after
him] AHHHHH!!!
[Ryoga takes a flying leap and lands a kick to John�s face.
John falls back and lands on his rump, stunned.]
Ryoga: Give me my umbrella, you FREAK!
John: Uh...err...[takes out the umbrella, which Ryoga
snatches away] well take it! I don�t want it!
Ryoga: Don�t you try stealing my umbrella again or you�ll
really regret it! [he turns and walks away. John gives him
the finger. Ryoga turns around and glares at John, who
quickly hides the gesture and stares in another direction.]
John: What a dick...well, it�s not like he took something I
actually needed...
[We hear a clap of thunder and it begins to rain.]
John: Oh shit...
[The rain continues to build�quickly�until it�s a full
blown monsoon. John scowls at nothing in particular, and
starts walking again, spouting obscenities.]
[Eventually the rain stops and a beautiful sunrises greets the
world. A moment of complete peace and tranquillity occurs
and we feel relaxed. We then pan to Paul who is asleep on
a cot. A ray of sunlight comes in through the window and
strikes him right in the face.]
Paul: [Extremely disoriented] Hmph...guh...ugh...<oh
great I have to get up now> *yawn* [He gets up, pulls his
cloths on and stumbles to the bathroom where we hear a
splash of water] AAAHHHH!!! That�s cold!
Shampoo: [Holding a now empty bucket and wearing very
little] OUT OUT OUT OUT!!! [Starts throwing things at
Paul.]
Paul: [Still trying to recover from shock] Huh...uh...[He
starts getting hit by flying debris] Ow, hey...ah, hey stop
it...ack, ow! [He retreat to the hall and closes the door.
His eyes now focus and he looks closely at the sign on the
door. It�s in Chinese.] Oh great. [Shakes the water off of
him.]
[Suddenly the door opens]
Shampoo: Stupid boy. You no can read? [points to sign]
Paul: It�s Chinese.
Shampoo: So?
Paul: I can�t read Chinese.
Shampoo: Hmph! Well go use bathroom now.
[Pan to John. He is sleeping under a tree. Yes, he is still
sleeping.]
[Back to Paul, he�s wearing grungy clothes, an apron, and is
cleaning tables with a rag.]
Shampoo: [Cleaning a window] Be sure to make tables
look good.
Paul: [Not looking up from his work] Do you know
Ranma?
Shampoo: Airen!?
Paul: That�s definitely a yes.
Shampoo: How you know Airen?
Paul: He�s a friend of mine, he suggested I work here. Is it
true all Amazons must marry the man who defeats them?
Shampoo: Is true, Shampoo have to marry Ranma by
ancient Amazon tradition.
Paul: [Paul stops washing the tables] Shampoo, what
happens if the Amazon doesn�t want to marry the man?
Shampoo: [Her face suddenly becomes very serious] She
have no choice, she marry or is banished from tribe.
Paul: Is there any situation where that would be different?
Shampoo: No, tradition always hold. Why you ask?
Paul: Oh, I was just trying to pass time. Well I�m done,
what�s next.
Shampoo: Next you go with Moose to market and get
supplies.
[Pan back to John . He has just awakened from his sleep]
John: Whoa...what a night. [scratches his head] Well, I�m
hungry. Gotta find some food. [He heads off in a random
direction.]
[Pan to Paul and Moose go to the market. The market is
full of customers as it always is. The two walk, without
talking, for quite a distance. Moose stops to buy some
exotic mushrooms and Paul decides to see what Moose
knows about Amazon tradition.]
Paul: So Moose!
Moose: [Surprised by Paul's sudden decision to strike up a
conversation] Wha...
Paul: Is it true that a defeated Amazon has to marry the
man who defeats her.
Moose: Why...no!! Not you too!! You can�t have her!!!
Paul: [Backing off] What? I didn�t...
Moose: I will challenge all who wish to marry my beloved
Shampoo!!!
Paul: Hey stop it man people are starting to stare.
Moose: Fool! Prepare to defend yourself!!
[Before Paul knows what is going on Moose suddenly
materializes four daggers out of each sleeve and throws
them at Paul]
Paul: OH SH* [Before Paul can finish his colorful
metaphor, he is forced to leap out of the way or become a
pin cushion]
Moose: [Drawing a pair of large swords] DIE PAUL!!!
Paul: [Drawing his fighting sticks] FINE!!! [Paul blocks
Moose�s attack and their weapons lock.]
[The two warriors glare at each other. Then Moose breaks
the lock and spins in a circle causing a buzz saw effect.
Paul blocks the blades and drops to the ground. He sweeps
his leg but Moose jumps over it and leaps ridiculously high
into the air. Then his swords, which are suddenly attached
to chains come flying strait at Paul.]
Paul: How does he do that? [Paul ducks to the side and one
of the blades grazes his arm drawing blood] Bastard!
[Paul leaps into the air and meets Moose in aerial combat.
Lashing out with his hook bladed fighting sticks he slashes
at Moose in anger. Moose pulls daggers from his cloak and
blocks with them. The two then land and begin a series of
melee attacks that don't gain either one ground.]
Moose: [Using his swords again] Is that it? It will take
more than that to beat me!
Paul: Then I'll stop holding back! [With that Paul slams the
bottoms of the sticks together and then twists them. The
two sticks click together and extend forming a staff
approximately six feet in length] HIYA!!!
[Paul now has Moose on the defense. Moose falls back a
bit to block Paul's new series of attacks but still manages to
hold his own. Then Moose fires one of his chains at Paul
and wraps it around his body.]
Paul: What the...[Moose then pulls hard and Paul hits the
ground] *oof*
[Moose then dives at Paul with a rather large blade]
Moose: DIE!!!
[Paul grabs the chain and flicks it around Moose's arm, he
then lunges backward moving himself out of the way and
driving moose into the sidewalk. As Moose hits the ground
"stuff" flies out of his robes and rolls across the ground]
Paul: How much crap has he got in that robe anyway?
[No sooner does he say this when Moose throws a training
potty at Paul. This, of course, is the last thing Paul would
expect to see being hurled at him so it hits him in the face
with a satisfying *thud.* Paul falls to the ground and drops
his staff.]
Moose: Now feel the wrath of my ultimate technique,
behold the screaming hawk�s talons.
[Moose leaps into the air and a bolt of energy crackles, he
then grows talons and dives strait at Paul, who is now laying
on the ground. Desperate, Paul grabs one of Moose's
blades and throws it at a near by fire hydrant. Their is a
brief explosion as water bursts forth washing both
combatants and half of the local market a couple feet from
their original positions.]
[When the water clears, Paul looks around for his opponent
and sees only a slightly annihilated market place and a very
unconscious duck laying about. Paul is now very confused
but decides not to wait around for the crowd to return, so
he grabs his staff and disappears into the shadows. Having
nowhere better to go he makes his way back to the Cat
Cafe.]
[Pan to John]
John: Food...must find food...
[Several people stare at John and move out of the walking
mountain's way]
John: Got to find...[the smell of ramen ascends to his
nostrils] FOOD!!!
[Pan Back to the Cat Cafe]
Shampoo: What you mean you no got mushrooms!?!
[Paul is standing in the kitchen with Shampoo and looking
rather pathetic. The cut on his right arm has clotted into a
rather crusty mess and a rather noticeable swollen red area
has appeared on his forehead.]
Shampoo: Why boys always fight!? Now Shampoo has go
get mushrooms herself!
Paul: Sorry...
Shampoo: Sorry no good, you go clean yourself up and get
back to work now! [Shampoo storms out of the Dinner
leaving the Bowl of ramen she was preparing out in the
open]
[Paul lets out a rather verbal Sigh and then goes into the
back to clean himself up]
Paul: [grumbling to self] Stupid Moose...@#$#&...just
what was he thinking? *grumble* *grumble* *grumble*
[No sooner does Paul make him self look presentable, and
step back into the dinning area with his uniform on, when
John drags himself into the main area tracking all kinds of
mud and water onto the floor.]
Paul: NOOooooo!!! Now I'm going to have to clean that
again!!!
John: [Eyes suddenly turning red] Damn you Paul!
Paul: Oh shit.
John: You left me out in the cold to die again, I' going to...
[suddenly see's the bowl of ramen Shampoo was preparing]
oooo! [downs the ramen in one gulp]
[Before Paul can say, "No wait!" John has devoured the
contents of the bowl. John puts it down, smiles rather
stupidly, then falls over and passes out.]
Paul: John! [rolls the big lug over and sees that he's asleep]
You big dummy.
[Paul drags John into the back and leaves him there.]
[An hour passes and Shampoo returns]
Shampoo: [Cheerfully] Nihao!! How was you while
Shampoo gone?
Paul: [Relieved to not have the Amazon pissed at him for
once, Paul smiles] Just fine.
[Shampoo walks in the back]
Shampoo: HIYAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Paul: [Runs into the back] What happened!?!
Shampoo: [Pointing at counter] Where Ramen?
Paul: [Pointing to John sleeping on the floor] John ate it.
Shampoo: But that one made special for Ranma!
Paul: Sorry there was nothing I could do to stop him.
*sigh* oh well you'll just have to make another one.
Shampoo: Stupid boy no understand. Shampoo put magic
potion in ramen.
Paul: WHAT!?!
Shampoo: Is true, whoever drink only wake up when
kissed deeply by Shampoo.
Paul: Well John will love that.
Shampoo: Shampoo no want kiss him.
Paul: What?! But if you don't he'll...
Shampoo: Shampoo not care, serve him right.
Paul: Damn you John! Just have to always think with your
stomach don't you!! [Kicks John]
[Suddenly John's arm triples in size and gives Paul a knuckle
sandwich that sends him flying out the door, across the
street, and into the pile of garbage across the street.]
John: Fuck you!
Paul: I...thought...I...
Shampoo: I told you, potion made special for Ranma.
Paul: Oh. [collapses into a pile]
-----------------------
Well, that's it. Part 3 is done. Yeah, we know that the
characterization of Ranma is way off in these episodes, but
rest assured, it will be fixed in subsequent chapters of the
story. As always, C&C is greatly appreciated!
