A couple typos, but a pretty good opening. Of course, I've a few other
comments ^_^
Now, the last survivor of the Russian royal family was on his
train. A young girl named Anastasia Romanov, and her uncle, Sergei.
I think we've had this conversation before, but I don't remember the outcome.
Wasn't the family name Romanoff, or was that an Anglicazation? And if it's
Romanov, being female, wouldn't she be Romanova?
(Yes, I know... this would tip your hand about Nene's ancestors a bit too
early?)
Or perhaps it began a hundred years later, somewhere in Japan.
<snip>
Dr. Stingray parked his car in the garage and unloaded a very large
crate. He could barely move it on his own. His daughter, Celia, helped
his son, Macky, get out of the car. Celia was twelve and Macky was six
Just have to be different, huh? ^_^ 99% of the world calls them Sylia and
Mackie (thank you, AnimEigo <g>)
Are you being literal with that 100 years, btw? If so, Sylia would be 8
(born 2010), and Mackie somewhere between 1 and 3 (conflicting material on
his year of birth, either 2015 or 2017)
Or perhaps it all started long, long ago, on a planet far, far away.
<groan>
But we shall begin here, in Mega-Tokyo, in the year 2034...
Er... does/has Crash happen(ed) in this universe? (an important question
when C+C-ing BGC fics. given how many people despise that series, it tends
to not happen in BGC fics, even though it's canon material)
suddenly jolt, yawn, and sit up. Where am I?, she thought, then rather
I don't think you need both the '?' and the ',' in unquoted material such as
thoughts. IMO, the question mark by itself is fine
She turned on the small TV in her office. The 'Live Action News
Crew' of Channel 52's newscopter was broadcasting live footage of what
rather distinctly looked like a middle-aged woman in a hospital gown
<snip>
"Three boomers trying to kill some boomer that looks like an old woman and
fires energy beams. She's already killed two boomers. That we know of."
Is she 'old' or 'middle-aged'?
The ADPolice squads crashed into the mall through the east entrance
as the Boomers chased the woman into Victoria's Secret's newest store in
Japan. Soon, bits of underwear were flying everywhere.
Less competition for Sylia ^_^
The need to get the civilians out of the way slowed down the ADPolice
squads. By the time they got everyone out of the way, the boomers and
I might have worded this differently, so as not to have 'out of the way'
used in consecutive sentences
high grade models, 56-C, designed for Polar Combat conditions. While they
Is this a typo? The basic blue boomer in BGC was the 55C
The Sabres flew through S-mart. Unfortunately, it was real big,
they were real small, and pretty soon they had mainly succeeded in getting
lost and discovering a really good sale on toilet paper in Aisle 4-b.
Good joke, but I find it hard to believe someone would get lost in a
K-mart-esque store. Especially given all the gear they have in those suits.
"This place is a maze", Linna said over her radio.
Who cares about a maze. Blow the racks over!
The Sabres zoomed about through S-mart. After a few minutes, Daley
<snip>
Meylia stared at herself in the mall bathroom mirror. What's
It never occurred to anyone to look in the ladies room?
Macky nodded. "I'd really like to be able to talk to her...she's
been in the coma since I was really tiny."
Well, since you were 6 anyway. Or 4. ; )
Later!
Jeanne Hedge
http://www.accsyst.com/jhedge/
_____
Girls do what their mothers tell them. Ladies do what society tells them.
Women make up their own minds.
The same thing applies to boys, gentlemen and men.
- 'Consult Charity' advice column;
"Katwalk", Karen Kijewski