On Fri, 19 Sep 1997 20:07:36 +0000, "Thomas Schmidt"
<Tschmidt@[204.120.67.5]> wrote:

	 Ranma Saotome sat alone at the dinner table in the Tendo Dojo,
staring into a cup of tea.  Akane Saotome sat across from him, her
hand tracing the curve of the delicate wood, also alone.  Later, each
went upstairs.  They met in their bedroom, and Ranma watched Akane
silently cry herself to sleep. 
	This was their honeymoon.  They had met for the first time 
yesterday.  

Some of the paragraphs are offset by an extra space, and some aren't;
does that indicate anything?

	Ranma was a little taken aback by her bluntness.  "Be that way," he 
said.  "It's not like I care."  His mind raced for an insult, 
something that would really get to her.  "You are so uncute, anyway." 

That's about the right level for Ranma's witty repartee. :)

	"She's in the dojo," Ranma said.  He watched Kasumi cook for less 
than a minute before becoming bored.

Kasumi would NEVER get bored while cooking. (Yes, I know what you
meant... :-P )

	Kasumi busily chopped some carrots.  "What are you good at, then?" 
she said.  
	"Martial arts, for one thing," Ranma said.  "I'm probably 
the best martial artist in the world."

I know he ain't the humble sort, but I don't see how Ranma could think
this at this point -- e.g. after being forcibly ejected from China by a
crazed Amazon. "I'll probably be the best in the world someday." would
be more reasonable and maybe even true.

	Ranma leapt to the next balcony, pausing only long enough to peek in
the window before continuing on.  If she didn't find Pop soon, she
would have to go talk to the desk clerk, and she was a girl.

So what? Lots of desk clerks are girls. :p

	 Genma stood now, and there was a hint of regret in his voice.  
"We're not going to leave," he said. 
	Oh gods, Ranma thought.  The wedding.  The marriage.  He had 
supported the marriage, forced it on her.

'her' indicating Akane? (Ranma is male in this scene.)

	Kasumi frowned seriously now, a sign of extreme disapproval.  "I 
wasn't trying to hurt you, Akane."
	"So what were you trying to do?  Make sure Dr. Tofu chooses you?" 

That's a little too up-front, I think. Akane didn't generally like to
talk about her crush on Tofu.

	Akane sighed.  "Come in." The door opened slowly, more slowly than 
Akane would have imagined possible.  Kasumi quietly stepped inside 
the room and carefully pulled the door shut.  She took a moment to 
collect her thoughts before speaking.  "I didn't realize you would 
resent me this much.  I guess I should have expected it."  Akane said 
nothing.  "I'm sorry I pushed you into the marriage instead of 
letting him decide, Akane.  I guess I was afraid."

One speaker per paragraph, please.

	The bedspread tossed and turned under Akane's fitful hand.  "Thank 
you," she said; slowly, as if the words were being pulled from a 
vise.  "I forgive you."

"Thank you" seems a bit odd to me here.

	"Very true, Tendo.  It was certainly the best thing to do."
	Nabiki scowled and turned to her sister.  "I have one thing to say 
to that."
	 "Hmm?"
	"Annullment."
	"Oh my."  

OK, let me guess what comes next:

"Saotome, the marriage will be anulled unless we act quickly. What can
we do?

"There's only one thing, Tendo. For the good of our families and the
school, our children **must consummate their marriage**!!"

End part 1 

them together.  Please send C&C, especially about characterization 
and dialogue -- does it sound like something anyone might actually 
say? 

It seems overall pretty good to me. The characters reacted about how I'd
expect. Kasumi and Nabiki were a lot more involved than they were in the
original, but that's normal for serious fics.

This storyline has some good dramatic possibilities ahead. Looking
forward to more!


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics