Ranma 1/2 - All mixed up part 3

-By Harper-

Disclaimer: The extremely funny and unique characters belong and are
copyrighted to the talanted and humourous Rumiko Takahashi, Viz
Communications, Shogakukan Inc. and other such clever companies who know
something good when they see it (ie, Ranma 1/2).

(XXX) = actions/description
~XXX~ = sound effects
[XXX] = signs (mostly Genma-panda)

Chapter 3: Going out.

(Ranma and Ryoga sit down at a table with Cologne.)

Ranma: (his chair leans dangerously to one side but he catches himself) whoa!
Ryoga: (smug) looks like you got the defective chair Ranma, quite apt really.
Ranma: (daggers in eyes) you...!
Cologne: now boys, it's no time to play games. (to Ranma) I assume you want
to help your fiancee, groom?
Ranma: even a macho chick like Akane don't deserve to be in love with an
idiot like Kuno!
Cologne: (flatly) I was referring to Shampoo, son-in-law.
Ranma: (nervous) uh... I knew that. I'm not dumb!
Ryoga: some might disagree with that statement. 
Ranma: (to Ryoga) once this is all over, I'm gonna kick yo -
Cologne: could you two stop your fighting and listen, _now_! I don't want my
great-grandaughter to become such a weakling. Word from China has reached me
that a young Amazon, who was dabbling in a mind-altering drug in order to win
over her husband, dropped the unfinished drug into the local river in anger
and impatience. A sample was caught and it turns out that she accidently
created a "spirit cloud" which travels in the wind, attracted to areas of
high magical and spiritual energy. It chose Nerima for obvious reasons and
fell down as rain. It will fall down in three bursts. Anyone touched by even
one drop of it have their personalities warped but not completely changed.
Any other questions, groom?
Ranma: uh... what? 
Ryoga: Ranma has a low concentration span when it comes to anything which
isn't martial arts.
Ranma: that's not true!
Ryoga: what was Cologne just talking about?
Ranma: some Amazon was working on a mind-altering drug?
Ryoga: ...and?
Ranma: um. Heh... she said... stuff. Er.. so ghoul, is there a cure for this
purple rain thing or what?
Cologne: knowledge of spirit clouds is sparse and has only ever existed in
legend. There is no known cure.
Ranma: that can't be right!!
Cologne: but that doesn't mean there can't be. I'm working on it, groom. Just
keep taking those preventative pills and check up with me later.
Ranma: nothing else I can do?
Cologne: you could see if anyone el -

~Slam!~
(Someone bursts through the front entrance.)

Nodoka: son, there you are! You're OK! (hugs him tightly) Oh, sweetie
darling, I was so worried about you! (starts to cry) It's so cold outside,
today!
Ranma: hey, mom! What's up? You're all wet.
Nodoka: this ghastly coloured rain just ruined my new haircut! Look at me!
I'm a total fashion disaster in need of help, ASAP!!
Ranma: wh -? Mom, what are you wearing??!

(Nodoka stands up uneasily in her high, high-heels, adjusting her very short
red leather dress, her mascara is smudged and she is on the verge of more
tears. Her hair is in a frizzy perm, a slightly flattened frizzy perm. She
has a tiny leather handbag also and wears no wedding ring.) 

Nodoka: (to Cologne) hey granny, do you have a ladies room here? I need to
freshen up!
Cologne: there's a bathroom just at the back. I'll lead you there. 
Nodoka: (to a very shocked Ranma) my little sweetie, (gives him a quick kiss
on his cheek) I'll be back in an instant and we can go shopping, okee dokee?
See if there's a Harvey Nicks in town.
Ranma: (jaw dropped to the floor) (gaping) ...
Nodoka: oh goody then! (totters off, tripping on her shoes) Dearie me, I'm so
clumsy!

(Ranma and Ryoga are left staring after her)

Ryoga: and I thought your dad was an idiot!
Ranma: ....
Ryoga: hey Ranma, are you still with this world?
Ranma: ....  
Ryoga: (grins) oh, what a shame! It's just a pity that, unlike you, I'm
honourable enough _not_ to take advantage of this situation. Aaargghh! It's
just too hard!!!! I want to tear you apart from limb to limb _so_ much!

~Wham!~

Ryoga: hey!
Ranma: (removes his fist from Ryoga's face) lucky for you I woke up, then.
Nodoka: (comes back, looking slightly better for ware) my, my son, don't be
so violent now. You could hurt your friend! 
Ranma: that's the point.
Nodoka: (takes his hand) c'mon, son.
Ranma: what is it?
Nodoka: I thought I'd take you shopping, darling... for some new clothes.
Ranma: I'm fine as I am.
Nodoka: I insist, my treatsy! Some nice, pretty dresses for your feminine
side to look good in, sweetie-pie!
Ranma: NO WAY...!!! Uh.. Mom... no..
Ryoga: oh, go on Ranma, you know you want to.
Ranma: why y -
Nodoka: you can bring your mate, too. I might even get you both a facial as a
bonus, you adorable little sweethearts!! Oh golly, I'm coming out in a flush!
Ranma: he's not anywhere near being my friend!
Ryoga: I have an... urgent appointment to get to! Bye! (dashes out)
Nodoka: bye, cutie-pie! (sighs) If I was only twenty years younger...
Cologne: groom, you might want to know that it is raining outside.
Ranma: so?
Cologne: it's _raining_. And Ryoga, without an umbrella, is outside.
Ranma: (pause) (realises) Oh! Raining...!! So? 
Cologne: the rain could make Ryoga a match for you, being as weak and
defenceless against your superior abilties as he normally is.
Ranma: you really think so? (runs outside) Hey, Ryoga!     
Cologne: sometimes, this is too easy. (holds up Ranma's pill box in
satisfaction.)

(Meanwhile, outside in the purple rain, Ranma spots Ryoga further down the
street. Ryoga is down on his knees, his fists gripped tightly together and
his face screwed up in determination. Neither notice one important happening
in the downpour.)

Ranma: (runs over to him) hey, Ryoga, you OK man?
Ryoga: (gritted teeth) must fight it... must...!
Ranma: c'mon, let's get back to the cafe before it takes effect.
Ryoga: (stands up slowly) too late...! Compulsion too great...
Ranma: for what? Compulsion for what?
Ryoga: I want to be...
Ranma: to be..?
Ryoga: t-to be...
Ranma: this doesn't sound too good...
Ryoga: ...your best buddy!
Ranma: (upset and shocked) no way! Fight it, Ryoga, fight it!!
Ryoga: no, I can't. I... I... l-like and respect you too much to.... to ever
h-hate you!
Ranma: you can beat this thing!
Ryoga: I'm sorry...
Ranma: no...! No Ryoga! You're tougher than this! Noooo!
Ryoga: but...
Ranma: (hopeful) c'mon.. c'mon...
Ryoga: I love you, man! (hugs Ranma) You're my best bud and my hero! (gets
violently dispatched) (covered in bruises) And such a kidder too! (laughs)
(pats Ranma hard on his back with his usual delicacy and grace) Isn't this
world so wonderful? (starts singing) I'll be there for yoouuu...! Like you're
there for me tooo..!
Ranma: (picks himself out of the pavement) (to himself) I have to get out of
here before I go insane.. spiritual cloud or no spiritual cloud! (starts to
run towards somewhere.. anywhere)
Ryoga: see you later, sempai! (cheery, fangy smile, bordering on the slightly
disturbing)
Ranma: uh yeah... (runs even faster) (thinks) How long is this rain gonna
last?   

(A few minutes later, Ranma reaches the busy high street. Thugs are
ransacking stores, sorry, policemen are ransacking stores; shop owners are
not caring less and the eldery are beating up a bunch of young
leather-jacketed bikers - who are pleading for their lives. It suddenly stops
raining.)

Ranma: (looks around) this place is crazy, how can it it get any worse?
Voice: take a lookie at that "guy" over there, Ko-chan, isn't he just the
grossest wimp on my beloved Kuno's earth?
Ranma: who-? (turns around) Is it you...? Akane? And Kodachi?
Kodachi: (in long, white dress with hair in a braid, holding a basket of
groceries, _safe_ groceries) he f-frighten's me!!! Acchan, c-can we leave
now? (cowers behind Akane) I want to g-go h-home!
Akane: sure we can Ko-chan! This really horrible guy makes me want to throw
uppy-duppy. Never thought someone could be as ugly as my Tatty-chan is
handsome. (sighs lovingly) Oh Tatewaki, why can't you wuv me too, my widdle
baby! (cries into a pink lace hankie)
Ranma: your baby?! Akane, you're not preg -
Akane: perverted idiot! I mean, Kuno's my baby! (sighs)
Ranma: you called me perverted.. and an idiot? 
Akane: (bemused) yes?
Ranma: (smiles) Akane.. do you think I'm an arrogant jerk also?
Akane: yes, definitely. Why does that make you so happy, ugly face?
Ranma: (grins) yes!! There's hope yet for you, Akane! You'll be back to a
macho chick in no time!
Akane: I'll get Kuno-chan on you! When he finally accepts my proposal of
marriage that is...
Ranma: (misses the last bit) you'll be back to beating me up by yourself,
soon! I can't wait!!
Kodachi: (tugs on Akane's sleeve) he's weird, Acchan! I'm sc-scared. Can we
go now, pretty-pretty please with cherries on top?
Akane: okay dokey, Ko-chan. Let's fix Kuno-chan a surprise dinner. (giggles
incessantly) 
Kodachi: yaaay! (they skip happily off)
Ranma: there's one fate Kuno deserves... Akane's cooking. Unless she can cook
now without committing a environmental health violation. (shakes head) No,
I'm not lucky enough for that. (tug on leg) Huh? Happosai, back to normal,
yet?
Happosai: I haven't felt this good in years!! Do you think my tuxedo looks
OK? (adjusts bow-tie)
Ranma: why?
Happosai: I've got these roses and this ring (shows both) and I'm going to
propose to Cologne-san!
Ranma: ugh, I don't even want to think about _that_!! (thinks) Considering
how close I came to it a while back. (shivers)
Happosai: I'll see you later, m'boy! (bounces off)
Ranma: (still shivering) imagine what would have happened if I'd taken the
permanent pill. (goes _very_ pale) (hits head) Aw heck! I forgot about mom!!
I'd better -
Voice: - darling, there you are!!! Let's shop til we drop and then get a
makeover!!!
Ranma: run as fast as I can. (shouts) I'll just look around, mom, and meet up
with you later! See you!
Voice: bye sweetie-darling! I'm off to find some Bolly then. Ta-ra! Ooh ooh,
call me "mummy" in future!
Ranma: (to himself) now, what do I do? ~Ping!~ (Lightbulb above head)
Ucchan's, of course! 

End of chapter 3...

C&C wanted, and some assurance that it's worth continuing on with. (No point
doing something no-one likes) Is this chapter better or worse than the last
two? ('E' me for a copy) I'm no Rumiko Takahashi!  ^_^