Note!!! Although Andrew's story is *NOT* a lemon, my comments
are sick and ecchiish enough that this C&C *is*, at least in
terms of warnings. So, if you're not into sticky things, don't
read it. Except you, Andrew. You have to read it. :-)
In the not-too-distant future
Somewhere out in CT
There was a guy named Sean
Not too different from you and me
He worked as a DJ on the radio
Played from Mozart all the way up to Coolio
But his attitude didn't set well with Rei
So she conked him on the noggin and she stashed him away
(Hey, you can't do this! I know people!)
I'll send him cheesy fanfics
Most of which are actually fine (la la la)
He'll have to C&C them all
And I'll monitor his mind
Now keep in mind Sean can't control
Where the story begins or ends
But he'll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his Senshi friend
SENSHI ROLE CALL!!!
HOTARU!!
(Well, more than friends...)
<Is that it?>
<Yep.>
If you're wondering how he eats and breathes
And other science facts (la la la)
Just repeat to yourself "It's just a post
I should really just relax."
On Crystal Tokyo Fanfic Theater 3000...
(o...2...3...4...5...6...G)
(Sean and Hotaru are sitting around playing Hearts. They look terminally
bored.)
Sean: Hi, everyone, welcome to our own special little hole in the wall.
I'm Sean, and this is my wife Hotaru, aka Sailor Saturn.
Hotaru: Didn't you already have one person telling you to get a life
today?
Sean: I have a lovely one, thanks. I'm sure our readers at home can
tell the difference between a real me and a semi-fictitious one
left over from Made of Stone.
Hotaru: I wouldn't count on it...
Sean: Hey, Lessa is calling...
(Cut to a small room in what looks to be the Palace. Rei is standing
there with a manic grin on her face.)
Rei: Greetings, captives? And how are we this fine morning?
Hotaru and Sean: Fine, Rei.
Rei: No problems?
Hotaru and Sean: No.
Rei: Good. Actually, Sean, I've got just the thing for you. Andrew
Huang has written the latest chapter in his parody fic Neon
Genesis Evanjellydonut. Unfortunately, he's far too mature for
his own good. Sean, can you put on your hentai hat?
Sean: I got news for you, my hentai hat is *always* on.
Rei: And Saturn dear, if you could see your way clear to providing
actual C&C?
Hotaru: Why can't Sean do that?
Sean: I'll be busy milking Andrew's lines for their fourth entendre.
He already hit the other three.
Rei: It's actually a very good fanfic, but it could use some C&C
nonetheless.
Sean: Got it. I don't suppose we could get some food?
Rei: What do I look like, a vending machine? GET IN THE THEATER!!!
Hotaru: You don't suppose this is because you wrote her as a cliched
stereotype?
Sean: *I* didn't write her at all, remember? We've only got Pluto's
word that this is a story...
(lights, buzzers, etc.)
Sean and Hotaru: WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!!!
(6...5...4...3...2...1...o)
Andrew Huang, nutcase, headcase, briefcase, member
begun July 21, 1997
Sean: Airedale, Clydesdale, Teasdale, Chippendale, Mondale, and other
fine shopping centers.
Hotaru: For persons who care about cats.
Reminder: There _are_ spoilers in here. Big time.
Hotaru: You mean where we find out about the room with all the...
Sean: We observe spoiler codes until the story itself, Hotaru-chan.
Hotaru: Hmph.
Evangelion is the property of Gainax (great bunch of people, they are).
Sean: And please try not to sue my ass off.
This is starts up right at the end of the part one, "I Left My Soul in
Tokyo-3". Do read it first--you won't be able to understand what's going
on in here otherwise.
Hotaru: Should we assume for the audience's sake that we read it?
Sean: Let's do.
,
And *AHEM* most of all, this writer doesn't do lemons. Thank _you_
very much.
Sean: Not a problem, Andrew! I'll help you out!
After a little while, he exited Micro$oft Word, and returned to his
own writing, pausing a moment to contemplate the Evangelion poster on
the wall next to his computer (and trying not to stare too hard at
Ayanami Rei). For inspiration, of course.
Sean: There's a picture of Ayanami as Saturn out there.
Hotaru: Really?
Sean: Yep. It's got you in a plugsuit, too.
The writer stopped to smack his head a few times, then began typing.
"I'm gonna die," whispered Shinji, glumly.
Sean: I'm into homosexual necrophilia, Tom said, in dead Ernest.
He yelped suddenly as Rei suddenly glomped onto him, murmuring sweet
_somethings_ in his ear. He vaguely determined that he had never been
glomped before, then decided to gracefully pass out, suffering a slight
nosebleed, as she detailed to him what they might do with a can of
whipped cream, cherries, a number of tongue depressors, and a lot of
feathers....
Hotaru: Been there, done that.
Sean: Aren't you glad I left those scenes *out* of Made of Stone?
***
Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut, part 2:
The Faces of Dea...I Mean, Ayanami
Hotaru: Pretty much the same thing.
Sean: You weren't exactly Miss Personality at first, you know.
Touji hurried up to Shinji, still dressed in his plug suit and lying
Hotaru: I swear it, I'll love you forever, baby!
Sean: I believe Andrew means 'laying'...
Hotaru: No, that's what *Rei* meant...
Shinji, whose eyes were slightly out of focus, murmured, "Loosely used,
yes, 'hit' could be the right word." He grunted and tried to sit up.
Sean: In the sense of 'she whacked my lips with hers'.
Touji, with a grin slowly spreading on his face, clapped his hand on
Shinji's back. "Well done, my friend. I've always suspected you had a
thing for--OW!" He rubbed the spot on his head where Shinji had whapped
him.
Hotaru: <blink> This is everyone's favorite doormat?
Sean: Shinji gets a little better. Not much, though.
"A-a-A-A-a-a..." replied Shinji.
Sean: A-a-Ayukawa!
Hotaru: Wrong series...
"What, has Rei had ANOTHER one of her mood swings?" asked Asuka,
skeptically. All boys were perverts. Shinji was a boy. So, logically,
Shinji was a--
Sean: All dogs have four legs, my cat has four legs...
Hotaru: Therefore my dog is a cat?
"Shiiiiinji-kun..." came a low, but most definitely feminine voice.
Everyone turned pale, and they turned towards the source. It was Rei,
with one arm out of her plug suit, and...and.... "Could you please help
me out of this thing? It seems so...so _clingy_ today."
Hotaru: For someone who avoids lemons, he's got innuendo down.
Sean: Indeed.
--Shinji was a wimp.
Sean: Ah, good. For a moment I thought I had the wrong series.
"SICKO!!!!!!!" She launched herself at Rei.
Hotaru: That was about as bright as Picket's Charge.
Sean: By the way, since this is a C&C more than an actual MSTing,
there will be a few judicious edits.
Hotaru: Don't leap through the fourth wall like that.
Sean: I think it was more like the fifth.
[Me too. And Balthshazar?]
[Yes?]
[Don't call me Mel.]
Sean: BONNIE LANGFORD, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Hotaru: This whole scene was very amusing.
He decided that he just wasn't quite used to a slightly nymphomaniacal
Ayanami...and, he guessed, neither was the rest of the world. And he was
correct--mostly. But let's not worry about those exceptions.
(Hotaru whacks Sean, who has his hand raised.)
Sean: Please sir, can I have one sir?
"I'm sure Asuka will get over her problem sooner or later. As for Rei,
well...." Misato paused, trying to think up something. Another smile,
but of a different sort, crept up on Misato's face. "I might have an
idea."
Hotaru: Can you imagine how Andrew would deal with Gryphon in this
situation?
Sean: Ano...DJ, remember?
Hotaru: Uh-huh. *right*.
As it turned out, there seemed to be no hot water running into her
small apartment, so she just grit her teeth and managed to take a (very
short) cold shower. She quickly lathered up and soaped up her beautiful
<CENSORED> and <CENSORED> and her <CENSORED>, too--and we musn't forget
her <CENSORED> as well. Did I mention her shapely, firm <CENSORED>? She
finally turned off the water, stepped out, and toweled herself off,
starting down with her <CENSORED> and moving up from there, finally
rubbing her <CENSORED> dry.
Hotaru: No comments?
Sean: It seemed a little heavy-handed...I dunno, I like Andrew's humor
more when it's subtler than this.
Meanwhile, just outside Rei's living quarters, a certain Ikari Gendou
was struggling with a monkey wrench and the piping that ran into her
apartment, number 402.
Sean: Furthermore, all the scenes with Gendou seemed out of place. He
doesn't fit into this plot as well as he did as the rabbi in the
last one.
************************************************
"That shower scene should make you pervs happy.... No? Oh well. That's
the most you'll get out of me. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA--*koffkoff* Ack."
************************************************
Hotaru: I see what you mean. A little over the top.
Sean: Some of us read lemons for storytelling as well...it does mean
we're disappointed a lot of the time, but...
"Well--I--of course! They, they did all of that in _my_ EVA unit! I
want to keep it pure, you know. I've got to sit in that entry plug!"
Sean: As Asuka sits back in her pure, virginal EVA plug, letting the
warm oxygenated water enter her body, she could feel a slight
tingling in her extremi -
Hotaru: (knocking him unconscious) Once too often, boyo.
Reluctantly, Asuka answered. "I...I got into a fight with Rei. She
kind of flipped me." It had been most humiliating.
Sean: She's making me wear this special leash now...
Hotaru: What are you doing up? <WHAM!>
"I wonder what it would be like to kiss Touji-kun...must be nice...."
Hotaru: If you can get over the fact that he compares every girl to his
sister...there's a subplot in itself.
Asuka decided that this would be a long, long night. But enough with
the girl talk.
Sean: Mom - do you douche?
Hotaru: KNOCK IT OFF!
"Congratulations! So, what exactly happened?"
Sean: Misato wanted to play that game where she dresses up like the
Angel and sits on --
Hotaru: You don't give up, do you?
Sean: Nope.
"You GO, boyyyyyyy...." Kensuke chuckled a bit, then continued. "It
always seemed like you had an interest in Ayanami. Admit it!"
Hotaru: AN Ayanami. Not necessarily this one.
Really,
how would _you_ react if Ayanami started to throw herself at you?"
Sean: I'd be too busy watching pigs fly and hell freezing over.
Hotaru: Which reminds me, can I borrow that Dilbert book?
"Well, Misato-san says that, um, I should...go
on a date with her."
Sean: Admittedly, that's Misato's solution for everything.
Hotaru: No, alcohol's up there too.
Touji thought that over for a second. "What's wrong with that? Sounds
perfectly reasonable. Professional matters be damned. We're still just
kids after all."
Sean: After all, being an EVA pilot is expensive...
Hotaru: Huh?
Sean: Well, it's cost Touji an arm and a leg, that's for sure.
"Let me...let me see that." Kensuke took it from Shinji. "What the....
'EVA Brand Condoms (tm)'? They're serious? 'When you need protection as
good as an AT Field'? Oh, boy."
(Hotaru and Sean both burst out laughing.)
Sean: Now *that's* better. Hee hee.
Hotaru: Nice one. *giggle*
************************************************
The writer shook his head.
"I am _really_ sorry about that. Really."
************************************************
Sean: Don't be. Great line.
It's the kind of scene that would make you either scream, cry tears of
joy, or say, "So? I've already seen up to episode 23."
Sean: I've only seen through 16...time to make another stop in
Chinatown soon...
Hotaru: Presuming they haven't sold out of 17-20 *again*...
There was a large room, and it was filled with Ayanami Reis.
Sean: Hi, welcome to Andrew's dream.
Hotaru: <WHAM> Sean! Apologies, Andrew.
"I see. These are all my personality fragments, recently come out of
dormancy."
Hotaru: It's very nice to see that this does have a running plot,
rather than just being a series of gags.
Sean: Betcha it's at *least* as confusing as the original...
"And I'm the Ascendant fragment," said yet another. Somehow, despite
being dressed in the same clothes as every other Rei in the room, this
Rei was looking seductive. Yes, in that frumpy looking school uniform.
This was...er, Affectionate Rei.
Sean: Where's Kissy, Lusty, and Passionate?
Hotaru: Those are the foxes. They're with Greg in his bunker.
"Why are you suddenly all here now?" asked Original Rei.
Hotaru: Or Rei Classic, as others call her.
"Why're you asking her, if _you_ don't know?" Irate Rei huffed.
"Anyways, I ought to go thrash Asuka again for getting in the way. She's
starting to really annoy me now." She glanced over at Kickboxer Rei, who
nodded and flexed a fist.
Sean: I should point out that we *have* seen irate Rei before. Check
out Episode 16, when Rei gives Asuka a look of pure rage.
Hotaru: Hey! *I'm* the C&Cer, you're the hentai.
Sean: Sorry. Um...being a kickboxer, you think she'd have better things
to flex.
Hotaru: Hmph. Not up to your usual standard.
The writer paused, looked up from the screen, and stared hard.
"Note that I used the term 'Ascendant' rather than 'Dominant'. That's
for a very good reason. Yeah, I'm talking to you."
Sean: Hi, Andy! Yes, we all want the complete, unedited Rei/Asuka
fight, thankyouverymuch...
Hotaru: (sigh)
Asuka just couldn't sleep. It bothered her. And the fact that it was
bothering her also bothered her. Why should she bother?
Hotaru: Nice writing here.
"Jahrtausend Hand und Garnele, *mumble*."
Sean: This makes the second use of Foul Ole Ron in an anime fanfic in
as many months, I should point out.
Hotaru: It's a thrilling new trend.
I'll be damned--Rei _does_ know Aikido, after all. I should have known
better than to bluntly forbid her to chase after Shinji....
He winced. Must stop splitting infinitives, too.
Hotaru: Yes, but 'to forbid bluntly' sounds silly.
Sean: Again, Gendou seemed a little off here.
"Um, well, all right, er...Rei." He cleared his throat nervously. "I,
well, Misato suggested, maybe, that, we, we go out on a, a, a date, you
know, movie and stuff...."
Hotaru: This boy *is* the living reincarnation of Kyosuke Kasuga.
"Shinji...Shinji just asked Rei on a date...."
"That's...that's ni--WHAAAAAAT!?!!?"
Sean: He would have asked Asuka, but he said he wouldn't date her
unless they were the last people on Earth...
Hotaru: Good, just *give* away the ending like that...
Kensuke was in a bit of a daze. It was all so...unexpected. How did he
get bamboozled into a triple-date situation?
Sean and Hotaru: ~Bamboozled by looove...~
Hyuuga swiveled around in his chair. "But the vending machine outside
is the only place that I can get non-Diet Dr. Pepper! They only have
that 'Mr. Pibb' junk in the convenience stores, and everyone _knows_
that Diet Dr. Pepper doesn't really taste more like regular Dr. Pe--"
Sean: Can I just say that the first time I read this, I was actually
drinking a Dr. Pepper?
Hotaru: Can I touch your robe?
Sean: OK, minor point. Still...
An anteater with wings perched on Shinji's shoulder.
Hotaru: The whole anteater bit is a nice dose of surrealism.
"No Dr. Pepper? Not the diet stuff, that wouldn't work, or Mr. Pibb.
Sean: Actually, if I was *forced* to drink a diet soda, I could do
a lot worse than Dr. Pepper.
The anteater nodded. "Your mind's been so frazzled lately that the
direct line is kind of flaky. All I keep on getting are these images of
two soft, round things. What _is_ that, anyway?"
Sean: Well, we have several options. One --
Hotaru: <WHAM> Or not.
"So...how does it feel, though? Not the kiss, I mean, but to be...
loved?"
Hotaru: This did seem to come out of nowhere. It was very nicely done,
but it seemed a little out of place.
"Shinji! You're all right! I'm so glad...."
Sean: Sure, cut away! Deny us Misato's body pressing up against Shinji
once again in a stunning display of --
<WHAM>
Hotaru: This running gag brought to you by the Booze Council.
"Ah, Ghost in the Shell...good date movie. I remember when Ka...ah,
never mind." She mentally pictured a voodoo doll with many pins in it.
Hotaru: Good date movie?
Sean: For Misato, Little Miss Contradiction? Why not?
"But I have no idea how to do this, you know...."
"Don't worry, it'll come to you.
Hotaru: Just lie back and think of Tokyo-3...
Sean: HEY! Who's the hentai here?
Gendou put down the phone and stared at it for a few moments.
"DAMN!" *CRUNCH* "Owww...forgot about the arm...."
Hotaru: Again, Gendou seems off in these types of scenes...
Sean: Though in a parody, that might be the point.
The setup: some people Rei Shinji Asuka Kensuke Hikari Touji other people
Sean: The homage: Biles' Putting Your Heart in the Right Place.
Hotaru: I *thought* I recognised that chart...
"But...Kusanagi...she's got such a cool gun!"
Asuka fell out of her seat and onto her Tub-o-Popcorn.
(Sean has facefaulted as well.)
Hotaru: ~Big Gun! Number One...~
"Quiet, you! We're trying to watching a movie here! Stupid kids."
Sean: No, stupid *rabbit*. *Trix* are for kids.
Hotaru: What?
[No drinking on the job. This means YOU, Hyuuga-baka-kun.]
Hotaru: Another sign of Ritsuko's plan for world domination going into
effect...
Sean: First they came for the sodas...
Kaji was sleeping. So was Misato.
In the same bed.
Sean: All right! Action! Even if it is with Kaji...
Hotaru: I thought you said Episode 15 made him a little better?
Sean: I still don't like him.
However, they were both fully dressed. Looks like they passed out
before anything could happen.
Enough with that, though.
Sean: You call that a lemon scene? Where's the money shot?
Hotaru: SEAN!!! <WHAM WHAM WHAM!!!>
Sean: Nighty-night...<clunk>
and Shinji
and Rei, who were sharing a single milkshake using two straws. The
waiter had slyly mis-taken their order for two shakes. Except for Asuka
herself and Kensuke, who was nervously trying to avoid any sort of wrath
>from any source, the entire scene was like something out of a Disney
movie.
Sean: You can be specific here. It's not as if any other Disney movie
did the Italian restaurant, staring into each other's eyes thing.
Hotaru: That wasn't in Aladdin?
Sean: No.
"I hate this night."
Sean: Getting off hentai matters for a bit, Asuka, while naturally
annoying, seems especially so in this part. You just wanted to
slap her.
"I wish I...." Asuka trailed off, leaving the rest of her thought
unspoken.
"I wish I had a gun...."
Sean: "I really hate her!"
Hotaru: "I really hate him!"
Sean and Hotaru: "I really wish I had a bone."
And the moon...is the only...light we'll see.... *ahem* Anyways--
Hotaru: Ben E. King, ladies and gentlemen! Give it up!
The embarassment was about to drown everyone involved. Finally, Rei
just darted in and gave Shinji a long (but far less deep than before)
kiss on the lips. After the initial surprise, he responded and held her
gently by the shoulders, much like he did in the entry plug just a few
days ago.
Sean: Though with a smaller audience, of course.
Hotaru: This was rather sweet, actually.
Sean: Yeah. Andrew better make with the death soon, or this isn't
gonna be Evangelion at all.
Hikari was just staring at Rei and Shinji. Suddenly, she muttered,
"Oh, what the heck," grabbed Touji around the neck, and planted a long
kiss on him. A firm one. A very firm one.
Hotaru: Has Andrew read Lew Burden's 'Just a Dream'?
Sean: I dunno. If I told you how many lines I'd shamelessly stolen from
*my* stories, though, we'd be here all week.
Hotaru: Trying to avoid the whole pot/kettle thing?
Sean: Ayup.
Shinji gulped when he realized that Asuka wasn't going to be staying
over at Hikari's tonight.
Hotaru: Oops.
Sean: Hey, he's young, he's in love.
Hotaru: He's gonna get whupped.
Sean: Ayep.
That got her awake in a hurry. It also set off all those mandatory
pain sensors that act up during hangovers.
Sean: Although I do get evil migraines every few months, I don't get
hangovers.
Hotaru: Neither do I. In fact, I've never been drunk.
Sean: Drunk Saturn...now *there's* a fanfic for you.
The writer crawled away from the keyboard, twitching.
"Need...insulin...shot...nowwwww...."
Sean: Now, now...
I kind of found it a little odd that aside from the Hikari-Touji bit,
there was just about no romantic element among the teenagers in
Evangelion. And the aborted kiss in ep 9 and the boredom kiss in ep 15
don't count.
Hotaru: The movie does, though.
Sean: Yeah, between Shinji jacking off *on camera*, and that whole big
Rei sex scene...I think Andrew meant *romance*, though, in which
case he's correct.
Don't take my writing to think that I dislike Asuka. I am fond of her;
I also understand why she's so loud and brash. But, well, for the
purposes of this storyline...well, it just seems like she's going to get
the short end of the stick a lot. Poor girl. I promise, I'll give her a
better break next time. 'Kay?
Hotaru: Thank you.
I _like_ Dr. Pepper.
Sean: So do I.
Hotaru: Exit?
Sean: Indeed.
(o...2...3...4...5...6...G)
(Sean and Hotaru are in armchairs, doing a wrapup.)
Sean: Very funny, then, and nicely written.
Hotaru: Any Evangelion fanfics at this stage are welcome.
Sean: Gendou didn't ring true in this one, but as I said, when you write
a parody, you have a little more leeway.
Hotaru: And Andrew managed to take a story about a sex-addict Rei and
make it clean, mostly.
Sean: Except for that one overdone bit.
Hotaru: Yeah.
Sean: So, overall, nice job, and I can't wait for #3.
Hotaru: Will Rei send us that one?
Sean: I dunno. Rei?
(Cut back to the palace. Rei is bust putting out several small fires
that have started around the room.)
Rei: Dammit, remind me never to masturbate as Sailor Mars...um,
you're back! Yes, you'll be getting future installments.
Though I can't say when exactly.
(Back in the hole in the wall, Sean and Hotaru stare at Rei.)
(Back in the palace)
Rei: WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT!! GO AWAY!! Yuuichiro, push the button.
<THWOOOSH!>
Credits:
This C&C of Episode 2 of Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut was written by
Sean Gaffney. The story itself was written by Andrew Huang, who's
a nice guy despite his idea that Ryouga and Ukyou belong together.
Evangelion is GAINAX's, and all that that entails.
--Sean Gaffney
--who may or may not do this again...