You see? Gary's good at this type o'thing...
I've considered the alterations (NOT altercations :)
and acted accordingly.
In Mousse's Misery:
The mother was in tears, arms reaching for the father and son.
"He's too young." She harriedly tugged at the fabric of her kimono,
revealing a breast. "He hasn't even stopped breast-feeding yet."
The man's eyes bulged out.
The baby's not the only one, apparently... :)
Now this made me look up and say, "ah!"
The mother's tear-soaked eyes grew in focus. "... man among
men..."
A jerk stopped the two males' surreptitious departure. She turned
him to face her.
Er... that's a rather unfortunate combination of sentences. You're
saying that Mom's a real jerk?
I knew there was something wrong... fixed:
The mother's tear-soaked eyes grew in focus. "... man among
men..."
The two males' surreptitious departure was halted by a firm hand
on the father's shoulder. She turned him to face her. "Promise me!"
The father looked down, and "Erk!"ed.
The mother, with her nose suckled by her son, said, "when you get
back, get him some prescription glasses, will you?"
Ha ha! These aren't who we think!
Punchline found. :)
In Akane's Story:
Akane argued that Auntie Nodoka would probably be amenable to
dissolving the agreement if she and this Ranma would not see eye to eye.
So it's been decided already that it'll be Akane? Not Kasumi or Nabiki?
Somehow it made the most sense to me, and hopefully to Nodoka (who
knew about the engagement), that if Akane were to be heir to the Tendo
Anything-Goes School of Martial Arts, and Ranma was to be married off to
reunite it with the Saotome School, Akane would be the best choice to be
married off. Besides, better children to inherit the dojo, right?
(Which would mean that the dilly-dallying and "you decide" talk of
the first episode would have been a ruse. I can imagine Genma saying,
"you see, Tendo? I knew that the boy would make the right choice on his
own.")
The man introduced himself as Ranma Saotome.
"Oh, Ranma," Auntie Nodoka had said, hugging the muscular young
man. "Whe- where is your father?"
"Genma... father... is dead."
"YESS!!!" :-)
But is he really? Ryu had been looking for him for quite a while
before... hence the significant change from "Genma" to "father".
(Sorry! Had to be a wet blanket, didn't I?)
Fiancé. Fiancée is a woman. (Though in this case... :-))
Got it! (I've used "fiancée" too often...)
Though I wonder what happened to Ranma/Ryu...
Shinnosuke's blood ran with a fever sending him into seizures. His
grandfather had gotten up, knowing that his grandson was going to die.
He took a mop, and donned his monster-killer outfit, amidst coughs. She
wanted to go with him, but the old man cried, "NO!"
"Someone must stay to watch over him," he quickly covered his
agitation.
"I'll go get the moss of life, and you take care of him," Akane
persisted.
How the heck did she get here all of the sudden?
The phone call. The disappearance. Oh, darn! I forgot the note.
Akane would have left without leaving a note... at least she didn't in the
original. Fixing...
Weeks passed without Akane's knowledge, until a phone call brought
her past to her present. She disappeared, and the people of the Tendo
household feared she had gone searching for her fiancé. That was until
someone checked the note she left on her desk.
Shinnosuke's blood ran with a fever sending him into seizures. His
grandfather had gotten up, knowing that his grandson was going to die. He
took a mop, and donned his monster-killer outfit, amidst coughs. The young
girl wanted to go with him, but the old man cried, "NO!"
"Someone must stay to watch over him," he quickly covered his
agitation.
"I'll go get the moss of life, and you take care of him," Akane
persisted.
She stopped. He remembered her name. He was also having a hard
time to talk. She shushed him. "Keep quiet, and open wide." She had a
ladle in her hand, and waited for him to comply. He tried, and soup
trickled down the side of his face, and down his throat. "Oh, dear."
Akane quickly wiped the offending trail away. She then saw the look that
was in his eyes.
He was delusional, at that point. But it didn't matter. He was in
pain.
Her cooking's been known to do that... :)
"How'd this get in there?" Akane examined the marijuana leaf she had
extracted from the soup. :)
On the overall...
Sorry, Gary, I didn't really think that it was normal...
Huh? Actually it's pretty normal for one of YOUR fics... :-P I still
have no idea where all this is going, though.
...and...
You keep putting in more and more complications. I'd like to see you
slow down a little and give us some big picture -- some idea of what
this is leading up to and how it will all fit together. Something to
hook us into the story.
Like Gary, and Terence Marks (hey, buddy! Love is What ch 5 rocked!),
I suppose that most people who've read it have already said that. I'm
going to do a little rearrangement... maybe I'm going to have to put
out "Kuno's Day" first.
The whole of "One Man's Dream..." will basically comprise the teaser,
background and introduction to that all-important darkfic I'm setting
up... the last few segments will fill-in the other integral cast
members:
Ryoga's Journal
Kuno's Day
Ranma's End
I hope that whoever's been reading will not find it TOO complicated, or
too dragging, because most of these events will fill you in on what has
happened to the character in question (though events not mentioned can
be assumed to have been taken from the Ranma manga) and further the
development of both the characters in the new setting, and the new
setting itself, which incidentally will be Nerima. But what WILL happen
to Nerima...?
Thanks for the C&C!
Switch
Nikholas F. Toledo Zu @ http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Flats/3145/mezza9.html
Vector, Switch, Yebah, Don Juan, goo, Pervert, Scruples, Hollie, NomaD,
Blitz, Gee, Datzo, Jewel, Elf, Radler, Pinball, Mayhem
Fanfiction @ http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Flats/3145/fanfics.html
Warp Zone @ http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Flats/3145/thirteen.html
----------------------------------------------------------------
The logo of the Church of All Worlds is nine concentric circles.
Word from the Laity: Wipe yer feet! Bloody 'ell...
http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Gallery/3145/index.html
Currently under construction... confessional at the links.
----------------------------------------------------------------