Gary Kleppe wrote:

On Tue, 09 Sep 1997 16:58:48 -0400, Emily Siazon
<emily9@bellatlantic.net> wrote:

    "Hi!" Kasumi exclaimed cheerfully as she placed the shopping bags
she was holding on the ground. "I've been calling your names for a
while now."

    "Sorry, Kasumi. I guess we didn't hear you.

I wonder why this is... Kasumi is too soft-spoken, Akane & Shinnosuke
are hard of hearing, or they weren't paying attention? Guess we'll find
out later.

They were reading about the talent contest and weren't paying attention.

    Akane's happy smile wavered a bit as she remembered the unwanted
incident at the rink a week ago. She still couldn't believe that her
first kiss was with a major jerk.

She was hoping for a MINOR jerk! :-P

Heh. 
 

    Akane looked over at Ranma who was busy making guestures not to

gestures

tell.

That wording seems kind of unclear to me. I take it you mean he was
making gestures indicating that she shouldn't tell?

Mm-hm.

    The frown on Shinnosuke's face deepened as he watched them from
the opposite side of the table. Something was up between the two, and
he didn't like it one bit.

Another delightul thing is that it's Akane who has the multiple fiance
problem here...

Why should Ranma have all the fun ^_^

    Akane smiled up at Kasumi while she helped the older girl bring
the desserts to the table. Everyone was drooling as the two put their
respective bowls of purple yam ice cream before them.

Purple yam ice cream? Bleah! :)

Actually, those things taste pretty good.
 

    [A tragic story,] his father cut in. [After we left Jusenkyo, we
visited this small amazon village...]

At this point, Ranma should be shoving a pot of hot water in his face.
It would be painful to wait for him to write down this whole flashback
on signs...

Maybe he anticipated this and wrote the story in advance ^_^
Seriously though, I guess I have to change that part.

AUTHORS NOTES: Yet another chapter done. As for the next part, who
knows. I've been so busy lately that I won't have time to write as
often. I will try though since I pretty much know exactly what happens
next.

Much as I'd like to see more of this soon, I think you need to slow down
a bit. The plot was OK, pretty standard stuff, but a lot of the
narration seemed like you were writing too quickly. I tried to point out
the most obvious places, but you might want to go through this again and
look for things that could be phrased better.

Sorry. It wasn't that I was writing this quickly, it was just that I was
watching my new KOR tape at the same time ^_^
 

Also, don't be afraid to skim over stuff that's the same as in canonical
Ranma. We all know how the scene at Shampoo's village went. (Though it
was very amusing to see Genma's embellishments on the truth. Guess he
learned something from training under Happosai. :))

I don't usually do that. But putting the idea of the flashback from
Genma's perspective wouldn't leave me alone ^_^
 

I'd like to thank Scott(the author of the wonderful fanfic series,
Orange Marmalade) for pointing out mistakes in my first draft.
So what lesson did you learn in reading this chapter besides that you
get shameless plugs for your fic if you're my prereader? ^_^

I could plug my own series here... er... um... can't remember. I'm
suffering from Shinnosuke syndrome! Where's that water of life again?

I don't know either.
Don't forget to send C&C! See you next time ^_^

C&C on what? What's this strange message doing in my outbox? Might as
well just send it off...

^_^