On Tue, 09 Sep 1997 16:58:48 -0400, Emily Siazon
<emily9@bellatlantic.net> wrote:

    He was lost. To Ryoga Hibiki, this has become a common and

Take out the 'and'.

occurrence and he wasn't too bothered with it. However, that didn't 
mean that he was giddy with joy. He had spent the whole day frowning 
and generally scaring off little children when he would suddenly 
snarl out of the blue.

That last sentence is really confusingly worded. Try something like
'He had spent the whole day frowning and would often scare off little
children by suddenly snarling out of the blue.'

    Ryoga's head jerked up with a start as the thought made it's way

its

    He cherished the warm feeling that suddenly enveloped his heart
as his mind became filled with happier moments with her. He slowed
down considerably when it was replaced by a dull ache after he
realzed that she wasn't there with him.

realized

    "Hi!" Kasumi exclaimed cheerfully as she placed the shopping bags
she was holding on the ground. "I've been calling your names for a
while now."

    "Sorry, Kasumi. I guess we didn't hear you.

I wonder why this is... Kasumi is too soft-spoken, Akane & Shinnosuke
are hard of hearing, or they weren't paying attention? Guess we'll find
out later.

    Akane's happy smile wavered a bit as she remembered the unwanted
incident at the rink a week ago. She still couldn't believe that her
first kiss was with a major jerk.

She was hoping for a MINOR jerk! :-P

    "Akane?" Kasumi asked, sounding a bit worried.

    She couldn't help but blush a bit as she saw her two companions
looking, faces filled with concern. How long had she been out of it?

Counting today? Fifteen years, three months, and... (I really ought to
start doing MSTs again.)

    "Ranma, I kill!" she yelled angrily as she followed the wet trail
of water Ranma-chan had left behind.

    She blinked in surprise when the obviously foreign girl

'She' here refers to whom? (I presume the 'she' in the last paragraph
was Shamps, but then it's not here.)

dissapeared from her sight as well.

disappeared.

    Akane looked over at Ranma who was busy making guestures not to

gestures

tell.

That wording seems kind of unclear to me. I take it you mean he was
making gestures indicating that she shouldn't tell?

   "Bad!" the chinese girl exclaimed while crushing various

Chinese

    The two teenagers blinked in surprise and opened their mouths to
explain but realized how ridiculous their story sounded, so all they
said was, "We'll keep that in mind."

It's kind of nice seeing that they get along better in this version. :)

    The whole Tendo household was busy eating lunch and
complementing Kasumi on another fabulous meal. That is of course,

That is, of course,

with the exception of Ranma and Akane.

    Ranma had managed so far not to explain what was going on and
Akane was dying of curiousity.

curiosity

    She watched him from the corner of her eyes, noticing that he

'corners of her eyes', or 'corner of her eye'

    The frown on Shinnosuke's face deepened as he watched them from
the opposite side of the table. Something was up between the two, and
he didn't like it one bit.

Another delightul thing is that it's Akane who has the multiple fiance
problem here...

    Akane smiled up at Kasumi while she helped the older girl bring
the desserts to the table. Everyone was drooling as the two put their
respective bowls of purple yam ice cream before them.

Purple yam ice cream? Bleah! :)

    [I'll have it you don't want it,] the panda said as it finished
its bowl and was busy trying to take his sons.

son's.

    Ranma eyed the purle haired girl warily as she made her way in.

purple

    Her disappointed frown turn to an annoyed scowl when she spotted
Akane. "You hide Ranma. Shampoo kill!" she yelled, unsheating her

unsheathing

    "Ah, so that's how she got it that color," Nabiki murmured from
a corner of the room, calmly eating the contents of her bowl.

Gotta admit, that makes as much sense as any other explanation... :)

    [A tragic story,] his father cut in. [After we left Jusenkyo, we
visited this small amazon village...]

At this point, Ranma should be shoving a pot of hot water in his face.
It would be painful to wait for him to write down this whole flashback
on signs...

    A giant panda and and two humans slowly made their way into the

Take out one 'and'.

    Her over confidence caused the girl the match and Ranma-chan

'cost', not 'caused'.

    "Losing to outsiders is worse shame than death. She give you the
'Kiss of Death'. Now she chase you to end of earth and kill!"

Earth

    The entire household watched Shampoo warily as She slowly stirred

she

    "What are you doing," she asked, puzzled. You're not in your girl

"You're

AUTHORS NOTES: Yet another chapter done. As for the next part, who
knows. I've been so busy lately that I won't have time to write as
often. I will try though since I pretty much know exactly what happens
next.

Much as I'd like to see more of this soon, I think you need to slow down
a bit. The plot was OK, pretty standard stuff, but a lot of the
narration seemed like you were writing too quickly. I tried to point out
the most obvious places, but you might want to go through this again and
look for things that could be phrased better.

Also, don't be afraid to skim over stuff that's the same as in canonical
Ranma. We all know how the scene at Shampoo's village went. (Though it
was very amusing to see Genma's embellishments on the truth. Guess he
learned something from training under Happosai. :))

I'd like to thank Scott(the author of the wonderful fanfic series,
Orange Marmalade) for pointing out mistakes in my first draft.
So what lesson did you learn in reading this chapter besides that you
get shameless plugs for your fic if you're my prereader? ^_^

I could plug my own series here... er... um... can't remember. I'm
suffering from Shinnosuke syndrome! Where's that water of life again?

I don't know either. 
Don't forget to send C&C! See you next time ^_^

C&C on what? What's this strange message doing in my outbox? Might as
well just send it off...


Gary Kleppe
kleppe@execpc.com, Home page http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe
My fanfics and the FFML map are on my comics/manga page,
       http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics