RANMA 1/2:- A LITTLE T.L.C. Parts 5 & 6
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-By Harper-
Key:
*xyz* means they're speaking in English. **xyz** is in Chinese. All other
times it's in Japanese.
(actions/description) <sounds> [genma sign] {authors notes}
Ranma-chan is when Ranma is female. P-chan refers to Ryoga when he's a
pig (literally).
{{{Disclaimer: the make-you-laugh-out-loud Ranma 1/2 characters are _not_
mine and are copyrighted and owned by Rumiko Takahashi, a very funny and
imaginative lady; Viz Communications; Kitty; Shougakukan Inc.; and
possibly other companies who were clever enough to buy into this great
piece of manga and anime.}}}
{{{PS, no offence intended to Californians and please don't take this too
seriously. I've never actually met any of you.}}}
{{{I'm not too sure about the layout of the Tendo's place, so please
forgive me - or correct me - for any mistakes I make.}}}
CHAPTER 5: TROUBLE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Next early morning at the Tendo house. It's about 5:55am. Everyone's
still asleep.)
<CRASH!> <CRIINKLE!>
(front door is knocked down)
Shampoo: (coming into house) Nihao! I made ramen! (looks around) Rannmaa!
Tooomm! Come eat wife's food!
Genma-panda: [grrr ...too early for such noise! Even for food!]
<SLAP!>
Ranma: (flying down the stairs) huh? Wha..?
Shampoo: lover, Shampoo made you breakfast! Wife keep husband happy!
Especially after you say you love me!
Ranma: (awake) what are you talking about?!
Shampoo: eat food! I go wake up Tom. Keep husbands strong and healthy.
Ranma: he's in the study.
(Shampoo rushes to the study. A few moments later.)
Tom: **Shampoo! What are you doing here? (pause) Shampoo, get off of me,
I can get up myself!**
Shampoo: ** (seductively) I know...**
Tom: ** Shampoo!** (gets up and goes to the table.)
Shampoo: made breakfast for husbands!
Tom: (with translator) Shampoo! I told you already I can't marry you!
Shampoo: Why not? Someone else?
Ranma: well?
Tom: err... n-no! I just not think someone should marry someone they not
love! What fairness in that for everyone? In end, no-one wins.
Ranma: where'd that 'gem' come from, Mr Philosophical..?
Shampoo: (crying) **then you hate me!**
Tom: **no, no I don't! I couldn't hate y --**
Shampoo: (hugs him) **you do love me!**
Tom: (protesting madly) **no, no, no, I just..!**
Ranma: (wearily) don't try and fight it, you'll never win!
Tom: I just not want to hurt anyone's feelings...
Ranma: ...apart from Lisa's, y'mean!
Tom: (gets idea) **Shampoo! Ranma misses you _desperately_!**
Shampoo: poor Ranma darling! (hugs Ranma really tightly)
Tom: what about you and Akane? You always insult her!
Ranma: (long pause) ...she's a tomboy!
Tom: so Lisa. So what? (they glare at each other)
Shampoo: oh dear. Husbands jealous. Shampoo should just have one.
Tom & Ranma: (at each other) him!
Shampoo: You fight each other. Winner marry me!
Tom: I rather marry Shampoo than lose fight...
Ranma: same here...
Shampoo: is good, you fight each other in afternoon, yes?
Ranma and Tom: yes... and _I'll_ win.
Akane: (just behind the door.) (quietly) not if I have anything to do
with it, Ranma...
Lisa: (on crutches) (listening in at window) (quietly growling) *not if I
have anything to do with it, Tom.* (thinks) Clueless Chinese Amazon laws!
So out of date! I'll let it be fair, though ...I'll only use my fantastic
martial arts skill to my advantage and nothing else!
(Early afternoon, at an empty lot, somewhere in Nerima. Shampoo, Ranma
and Tom are standing around, preparing to fight.)
Shampoo: (thinks) I love Ranma more but Tom treats me better. I'm happy
with whoever I get!
Ranma: (thinks) Just hope Akane doesn't find out...
Tom: (thinks) now I dodge, turn round and strike, then use a jumpkick,
grab hold of Ranma and throw him up in the air! Maybe even use a Moko
Takabisha. Not too strong though.
(There is a fence running on either side of the the empty lot. Akane's
hidden by one fence while Lisa's hobbling behind the other.)
Akane: (seems to be checking some equipment she's brought) hammer, check!
One of Shampoo's 'lost' bonbori's, check! Table, check! Hose, check!
Hammer #2, check! Hmmm, mallet....
Lisa: *let's see what I can use... aha! <clang!> A dustbin! My crutches,
of course! <wham!> My fists still work! A brick wall will come in useful!
(sees assorted bits and pieces lying on pavement) Some bandanas, who can
those be? A spatula, a really big and pointy and sharp spatula! Neat!
<rrrippp!> A pipe. Emotional blackmail will come in useful...*
Shampoo: you start fight now!
(Lisa gets ready to throw the pipe at Tom as Akane grips her hammer
tightly. Both are ready to throw.
Ranma and Tom jump towards each other just as something flies through the
air.)
<CLANG!> <CLANG!>
Lisa: *Hey! That totally clueless person knocked my pipe out of the
way!...Oww!* (is hit by wayward hammer)
Akane: where did my hammer go?
<CLONK!> <CLANK!>
(Both Ranma and Tom are knocked out on the ground. Someone steps in
between their motionless bodies, picking up the brass instrument they
used, looking rather pleased with themselves.)
Mousse: (holding trombone triumphantly in the air) For once the power of
love has strengthened my sight! Shampoo, why can't you see that it is me
who really loves you, not these heartless two!
Shampoo: why you hug lampost? Stupid Mousse ruin fight. Leave Shampoo
alone. Go away Mousse!
(Ranma and Tom slowly stand up.)
Mousse: but I love you Shampoo! (glomps)
Tom: (hits Mousse into orbit) *don't you touch me!*
Mousse: (into distance) Sssssshhhaammmppoooo!!!!!!
Ranma: let's get this fight over with.
Tom: yeah, something on TV in five minutes.
Ranma: this fight will be over in half that time...
Akane & Lisa: he's so arrogant!
Akane: I'll try the bonbori this time!
Ranma & Tom: Let's go! (Ranma tries to punch Tom when something wraps
round his legs and pulls him down to the ground.)
Ranma: ahhhh!
Ryoga: I meant to get the other guy! (thinks) If Ranma wins, like Mousse
said, then he will have to marry Shampoo and Akane will be mine! I
already gave him a chance to marry Akane and the undeserving jerk ruined
it!
Tom: *do I win? hey! * (something strikes his head and he falls down)
Akane: No! That was meant for Ranma!
Lisa: *where are all these wacko's coming from? That guy's voice is
familiar, I wish he'd turn round!*
Shampoo: bad person! (knocks Ryoga out while he's daydreaming of his and
Akane's wedding ceremony)
Ranma: this time, for real!
Tom: *I'm gonna win!* (Tom jump kicked towards Ranma, who dodges, ducks
and sweep kicks Tom off his feet. Tom whirls round and lands on his
feet.)
Lisa & Akane: now's my chance. (Lisa fires a spatula towards Tom, while
Akane launches her table at Ranma)
Tom: *what the...?* (Both he and Ranma watch as these two items fly from
opposing sides of the fences and land on the fence on the other side)
Akane & Lisa: OWWWW!
Tom: *Lisa..?*
Ranma: Akane..?
Lisa & Akane: (both girls emerge from either side, looking rather
sheepish and rubbing their heads) (to each other) You?! What?!
Ranma: you were trying sabotage the fight, why?
Tom: *Lisa, you're supposed to be in hospital!* (thinks) She's not even
wearing a cast on her leg! Only a crutch to support her! What is it with
that girl?!
Akane & Lisa: ..... (foiled, they sit at the sidelines, receiving an icy
glare from Shampoo)
(They start to fight again when...)
<snap!> <snap!> <snap!>
(The boys fall down, blinded by the flash.)
Akane: (under breath) Nabiki...
Nabiki: just taking a few pics for the school calender...
Ranma: (angry) a school calendar?
Nabiki: St Bacchus School for girls. Since Kodachi spread the word,
(under breath) with a little help from me since Tom's arrival, (out loud)
you two are the hottest items there. Pictures go for more than I could
ever get Kuno to buy the pig-tailed girl ones for! <snap!> <snap!> done!
(leaves)
(Ryoga stands up groggily. Lisa sees him.)
Lisa: Yo! Ryoga! Watcha doin' here?
Ryoga: Lisa! What are _you_ doing here?!
Lisa: I'm here for that martial arts competition!
Ranma: so you _do_ know that pig?!
Lisa: met him in China, about a year ago, he was looking for Furinkan
High!
Tom: good friends are we?
Lisa: kinda, ain't we P-chan?
Ryoga: <pink!> how about we go catch up on old times? (they walk off,
Lisa making pig jokes)
Tom: finally, we can start! (Tom jumps over Ranma only to see a familiar
figure rush towards him) (bigsweats) *uh-oh, not her!*
Ranma: who --?
Voice: **Tom! Wife missed you!** (Tom is glomped but Lisa suddenly comes
back, boots her off with a crutch, then runs back to join Ryoga) (the
figure stands up and a beautiful fiery red-haired Chinese girl stands
before them)
Shampoo: **twin sister! I missed you! (hugs the girl) What are you doing
here?**
Shampoo's sister: **I come for my husband, Tom!**
Tom: **C-Con-Conditioner! What a surprise!!**
Ranma: Conditioner? They look exactly alike, apart from the hair.
Shampoo: we like two minds in same type of body, two-in-one, village
people say.
Ranma: Two-in-one, huh? No need for a separate conditioner! (sings)
Amazon Selectives!
Akane: Ranmaaa!!! Now, how did this all happen, Tom?
Tom: <sigh> (gets out translator) well, trouble began when I went to
China to visit friend and got directions from Japanese teenager with odd
umbrella....
(A while later... Tom sits down at Ucchans, eating an okonomiyake, having
just explained the story to a curious crowd, and trying to ignore the
fact that Conditioner is hugging him very tightly. Imagine the story
representing Ranma when he first defeated Shampoo, and imagine what would
have happened if he had been a guy at the time.)
Tom: ...and so I try explain that I not interested in marrying her. She
no listen so following night I escape.
Akane: (thinks) Once again, someone gets reeled in by the Chinese
Amazons.
Tom: I had hoped she would just forget... but obviously that not work!
Conditioner: (to Tom) I love you.
Shampoo: why does Conditioner love him?
Conditioner: he's handsome, he's strong and he saved me from nasty people
who didn't like me and thought I was weak. He left me money to look after
myself because I had to leave village, when it was found out that I had
been dishonored in the past and had not avenged my dishonour.
Shampoo: (looks down in shame, then looked up angrily) (stands up) you
should have given Sequin, who from next village, kiss of death, when she
beat you in match!
Ranma: why didn't you? (under breath) I sure wish Shampoo had been that
nice!
Conditioner: (faces Shampoo) I couldn't kill her! She was my best friend!
(grumbles and crosses arms) Even if law says I have to! To prove that I
was a real Amazon I made Tom fight me when he stumbled into the village.
When he beat me, I wanted to hate him but he was so nice to me, I fell
for him anyway ...Now I want to marry him even more. <sigh>
(Tom is struggling with the translator but everyone knew what she had
said.)
Tom: *oh dear....*
Shampoo: well, then you can have Tom and I have Ranma! Everyone happy
then!
Ranma & Tom: who's everyone?!!
(Fifteen minutes beforehand somewhere in Nerima...)
Ryoga: stop calling me P-chan!
Lisa: what were you doing back there, anyway?
Ryoga: I heard about the fight off Mousse and had to make sure Ranma won
so that dear Akane would be free...
Lisa: You mean _your_ Akane is _that_ Akane? And the 'lecherous jerk' you
went on about, is _Ranma_? When I met you, I totally never caught on
that the people you talked about I'd end up hanging with. (pause) Y'never
told Akane about her pet piggy?! You were, like, so full of resolve to
tell her when we met.
Ryoga: that thought ...only lasted a few weeks.
Lisa: but you took a boat back to Japan!
Ryoga: I never made it to the harbour...
Lisa: (laughs) poor, lost, you!
Ryoga: hey! No need to laugh!
Lisa: It's lucky that you weren't splashed with water ...you could have
ended up in a ramen sauce!
Ryoga: (offended) At least I know who I am!!
Lisa: (ignores him) it's a great vibe to see you again! It's neat to
meet someone with a scrap of sanity who ya' can have a decent
conversation with. Someone who digs that it's OK to get a little angry
and depressed sometimes, even if it means you level a few buildings in
the process.
Ryoga: Aren't our souls more important than a little inconvenience? Don't
they realise it's for the greater good of martial arts?!
Lisa: word. (looks around) Where are we?
Ryoga: I have no idea.
Lisa: as they say, per say, that bugs! Oh well, what does it matter?
(pause) Do you still, y'know, love Akane?
Ryoga: sweet Akane! So beautiful and kind, and stuck with that fool
Ranma! (puts hand through wall)
Lisa: that would be...yes, then. Are you still mad at him? It has been
over a year now since he knocked you into a spring! Shouldn't you move
on?
Ryoga: he deserves no mercy!
Lisa: it's a pity. You two dig the same sorta scene. If it wasn't for the
fact that you were both liked the same girl, that he ran out on a fight
and gave you the curse which has made your life a livin' hell and
constantly takes the mickey out of you and your curse, you two could be
great friends.
Ryoga: with him?! Never!
Lisa: you're both pretty arrogant, dedicated to martial arts, honorable,
brave, foolish, with the same taste in girls and both suffer from curses.
Ryoga: (not sure what to say as some of the stuff had been complimentary)
(pauses)...but the way he treats Akane, even when I know he loves her...
Akane deserves better, she deserves --
Lisa: -- you?
Ryoga: yes!
Lisa: how's Akari?
Ryoga: (sadly) I haven't been able to find her...
Lisa: how about Ukyo?
Ryoga: Ukyo? What about Ukyo?
Lisa: I'm assuming we're talking about the same chick ...From what I've
heard about her and what you've told me of her, you two sound so perfect
for each other!
Ryoga: (flushes) don't be ridiculous! Me and Ukyo! Me and Ukyo!! She
loves her "darling Ran-chan" anyway! How can I like anyone who could
possibly think that Ranma's a great guy?! (thinks) I had never thought
about Ukyo that way, I guess she is a good fighter and kinda cute...
Lisa: what about Akane? She's Ranma's ...friend.
Ryoga: ...that's different!
Lisa: like, how?
Ryoga: ....<sigh> Ukyo's not Akane...
Lisa: I'm glad I'm not in love with anybody, to be a lovesick fool? Not
for me... (thinks) yes that's right mind, I'm not in love. No, I'm not,
so there!
(Both wander off into nowhere, lost in thought. The next day...)
Tom: (silently sneaks out of the study and moves for the front door)
(whispers) I think I lost Conditioner....
Conditioner: (glomps him) you'll never lose me, Tom!
(The word "never" resonates in Tom's head.)
Akane: (steps out behind him) sorry, I tried my best to distract her!
Kasumi: breakfast!
(Everyone dives to the table, Ranma and Genma demonstrating their
vacuuming technique, the ability to eat food so fast that your stomach
doesn't even realise it's there and you gain no weight! Tom manages to
pry off Conditioner.)
Akane: where's Lisa?
Ranma: I think she still is walking around Nerima, or Japan, or even Asia
by now, with Ryoga.
Nodoka: has she ever been around Japan before? It'll be a nice
sight-seeing trip. I hope they make it back in time for the competition
tomorrow...
Ranma: that's right, I gotta train!
Tom: I join you! We have a little match.
Ranma: we wouldn't want you getting hurt before tomorrow.
Tom: you won't get a punch in!
Ranma: we'll see about that! (they run off to the dojo)
Nodoka: what manly men, devoting themselves to their art!
Nabiki: (under breath) or their ego's....
(Akane runs after Paul and Ranma. In the dojo... Ranma dodges every punch
Tom throws and Tom dodges every kick Ranma does. Then both of them build
of big balls of chi, directed at each other but the chi's merely bounce
off each other and explode in Tom and Ranma's faces.)
Akane: <yawn> you nearly done yet?
Ranma: I (dodge) can (dodge) beat (dodge) you (dodge) anytime!
Tom: oh (kick) yeah (kick) ? (kick)
Akane: you could never admit that anyone could be a match for you, Ranma.
Ranma: (turns to face her) ha! I'll show you!
<SLUUNK!> <BAP!>
Akane: (looks at Ranma's bruised body on the floor) Really?
Ranma: (stands up) I was just distracted, that's all. Let's go Tom!
(jump-kicks towards Tom, Tom dodges and lunges for Ranma, Ranma misses.)
Akane: hmm, once again they fight... This is going to be a long morning.
(In the kitchen, Kasumi is washing up the breakfast dishes, when a
familiar face steps through the side door.)
Dr. Tofu: is Lisa he -- (sees Kasumi) K-K-Kasumi what are you d-doing
here? (shreds up important piece of paper in hand)
Kasumi: um.. I live here.. oh, I'm sorry! Is the kitchen still hot? I see
your glasses are all steamed up.
Dr. Tofu: (thinks) Kasumi... Kasumi... Kasumi.... Kasumi.. (it goes on
like this for a while)
Kasumi: doctor, are you feeling well?
Akane: (walks through to kitchen) Hello Doctor Tofu! Hello? (sees his
expression, sees Kasumi) Ahh. Uh, Kasumi, daddy wants to see you.
Kasumi: oh right, (starts to walk out of kitchen, turns towards Tofu)
goodbye Doctor! (flashes a smile to him, Tofu is now having a hard time
standing up.)
Akane: (tries to snap him out of it) doctor? (pause) Doctor? Hmm,
nothing's worked so far! Maybe I should cook him something.
Dr. Tofu: (his eyes snap open) I have to go now.
Akane: wait, doctor!
Dr. Tofu: what, Akane?
Akane: you did come here for a reason other than to see Kasumi didn't
you?
Dr. Tofu: (eyes start to glaze over) Kasumi....
Akane: want a homemade curry?
Dr. Tofu: <blink> yes, I came to see Lisa about something.
Akane: what?
Dr. Tofu: (looks at the shredded pieces of paper in his hands) oh dear...
I better just tell her then.
Akane: tell her what?
Dr. Tofu: just some information I found out about... her ancestry...
Akane: well, she went on a walk with Ryoga yesterday... (thinks) What
would Tofu have to do with ancestry, he's a doctor..?
Dr. Tofu: maybe I'll talk to her next weekend.
Akane: that would be wiser. (sees Kasumi heading back to kitchen, looking
bemused) You'd better go. (gently pushes him out of the door before
Kasumi comes back in)
Kasumi: that was funny, daddy had no idea what I --
Akane: -- say, Kasumi, have you seen P-chan around?
Kasumi: sorry, I haven't, I'd better finish washing these dishes now.
Akane: uh, right. (thinks) Say? Where has P-chan been, I haven't seen him
in ages.... He does seem to be gone for weeks, like Ryoga. Sometimes
those two are so alike, it's almost like Ryoga _is_ P-chan! What a
thought! (laughs)
CHAPTER 6: CALIFORNIA LOVE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(A few hours later, on a sunny beach somewhere, a soaking wet teenage
girl holding a cute little black pig emerges from the ocean, her broken
leg much better. The girl looks around and recognises the setting. She
looks angrily at the pig.)
Lisa: (sweetly) say pig, you know how you said "Tokyo's just over this
river, trust me, even I can't get this one wrong." (murderously) Well,
Ryoga! Where is it?!! (starts to bash the little pig) Does this look like
Tokyo? Huh, like Nerima, maybe?!! I, like, knew the journey across "the
river" felt a bit long! Next time make sure it is a river you're gonna
across, not the totally largest ocean in the world! That shark chased me
for a 100 miles at least! And I have a broken leg! Well, I used to have
one for a day or so... but that's not the point! These are not the vibes
I dig!!!
(People start to gather round this site, most of then wearing very
little.)
Guy: *hey dude! Chill out!*
Lisa: (growiing annoyance) *chill out? Chill out?!! Do you realise I've
just swam over the Pacific Ocean?!!*
Girl in pink bikini: *cool! Pity about the clothes, they are so last
season!*
Girl in blue bikini: *oh your pig is sooo cute! Can I hold him?*
(Other girls start crowding around Lisa, wanting to hold "P-chan".)
Lisa: *totally get offa him! (evil glint in eye) Sure, here ya go. (gives
a terrified P-chan to the fashionable mob) Revenge is sweet.*
Guy: *cool head wear, pig-guy, can I have it? (the pig squealed in
defiance) Yo! Don't get all hyped up little creature. Jeez, you'd think
he was human or something!*
P-chan: kwweee!
Lisa: you're just lucky I didn't throw hot water over you right there and
then! (P-chan wriggles out of the busty girls' grasps, his nose bleeding
profusely). Hey, Ryoga! Wait!
Another Guy: *welcome to California, beautiful baby!*(swaggers over to
Lisa, totally drunk and leers)
Lisa: *welcome to my fist!*
<SMUSH!>
Lisa: (thinks) heh, and Tom said that I couldn't connect with anyone.
(out loud) *Don't call me baby! Where'd Ryoga go?* (in Japanese)
Ryogaa!!!!(goes up and down the beach looking for Ryoga)
(Mid-day, Tendo household...)
Ranma: take that!<kick!> And that!<punch!> And that!<punch!> Ready to
give up?
Tom: never! <punch!> Never! <kick!> Never! <kick!>
Akane: (walks in) you two still fighting? It's lunchtime.
Ranma: (suddenly tired) wha...? Lunchtime already? (collapses) (Tom
follows his lead)
Akane: Ranma's all burnt out. I've had lunch, I'll use the hall now it's
finally free.
(Mid-day, California, in one of LA's airports. Lisa and Ryoga are weaving
their way through crowds of people, trying to find a phone, Lisa has
calmed down and Ryoga's back in his human form, wearing his old clothes
which Lisa had taken with her.)
Ryoga: (in a huff) you didn't have to pour hot water back on me in front
of everyone!
Lisa: look, it was mean of me, I know, but I've already apologised! If
it wasn't for me, you'd be in a sharks stomach by now. (thinks) And me
too.
Ryoga: I've apologised for that! Let's not fight anymore, we have to get
home.
Lisa: !!???? (thinks) What is wrong with Ryoga??! Not wanting to fight?!
Ryoga: (sees the look on Lisa's face) I just want to get back in time for
the championship and show Akane that I am worthy of her hand!
Lisa: figured as much. Look, there's a telephone. Ryoga, do you know the
Tendo's number? (pause) The Saotome's number? (pause) Ukyo's number?
(pause) Shampoo's number?! (pause) Anyones number?!!
Ryoga: I spent so much time travelling and I never needed Akane's phone
number, <sigh> I always managed just to turn up there.
Lisa: I'll just have to phone my home, well not my home but where I'm
staying for the moment, Tom's place. It'll have to be a collect call.
They can somehow look up the number for the Tendo's. (looks at her watch)
It's tea-time over in Japan, boy, am I hungry! I could profit from a
doughnut right now! (picks up phone) *Hello, can I make a collect phone
call to..*
Ryoga: I'm just going to clean up at a rest-room somewhere.
Lisa: yes fine, fine... (waves him away) *the number is...*(gives number)
Phone operator: *I'll just patch you through*
Lisa: *total thanks* (realises something) *aw heck! Ryoga's gone! Oh
well, I'll just have to find him later... Hi, hey it's me Lisa!
(disappointed) Oh Laura, it's you...*
Laura: (on other end of phone line) *what do you want? We haven't heard
from you and cousin Tom since Monday. Not been up to anything, have you
two..? Hmmmm?*
Lisa: (annoyed and fed up) *no!! Anyway, you know how Tom, like, gave you
the phone number of the place we're staying, could you look it up please
and tell it to me?*
Laura: *why do you need it? You're staying there aren't you? If you've
got lost, I'm sure a policeman can give you directions!*
Lisa: (hot-headedly) *look, I am so not lost!*
Laura: *where are you then?*
Lisa: *I'm in an airport.*
Laura: *where?*
Lisa: *in a city.*
Laura: (impatiently) *which city?!*
Lisa: *a really big one.*
Laura: *where??!!!!*
Lisa: (ashamedly) *LA..*
Laura: *the LA??!!!*
Lisa: *uh-huh...*
Laura: *how did you get ther --*
Lisa: *-- met Ryoga, went on a walk with him, didn't know my way around
Tokyo that well...*
Laura: *that Ryoga?! The cute half-pig one with a lousy sense of
direction?!*
Lisa: (sarcastically) *how many cute half-pig guys named Ryoga with a
lousy sense of direction do you know?!!*
Ryoga: you said my name?
Lisa: Ryoga!! You made your way back, but how?
Laura: *hey Lisa! I'm still here....!*
Lisa: *yes, unfortunately you are...*
Laura: *HEY!!! (calms down) I'll go look up the number, you call in half
an hour, right?* (hangs up)
Lisa: c'mon Ryoga, let's go find somewhere to eat.
Ryoga: where..? With what?
Lisa: remember when you first met me, I was homeless and you
hadn't eaten for a few weeks? You turned into a pig, and distracted the
staff in the restaurant while I stole food from the kitchen.
Ryoga: that trick! You're really that desperate?
Lisa: Ryoga! I have just crossed the Pacific Ocean in about a day and it
is so hot here, you could probably fry an egg in the freezer! I'M LUCKY
TO BE STANDING, PERIOD!!!! (Lets out a small ki blast which hits a
vending machine, causing food to fly everywhere) (smiling as a packet of
crisps lands in her hand) we are a good team!
Ryoga: (grabs a packet,) <crunch> hmm.... <munch> this is an odd
flavour... familiar... <munch> quite nice though...
Lisa: (looks at the name of the crisps Ryoga is eating, her face turns
pale) uhh... Ryoga.
Ryoga: <munch> <munch> what? <munch>
Lisa: that's -that's tomato and.... bacon flavour.
Ryoga: ! (turns to stone)
Lisa: Ryoga! (looks at crisp packet more carefully) Oh, that's OK, it's
only artificial flavouring! Ryoga? Ryoga?! Ryogaa!! Ryogaaaaa!!!
(Twenty minutes later... Lisa phones back on a collect call.)
<brrr> <brrr>
Laura: (picks up phone) *Hey Lis!*
Lisa: *you have it?*
Laura: *it's (give's Laura the number) OK? Next time, just telepath me a
message, it's cheaper!*
Lisa: *don't say it out loud! Someone could be listening! I told you that
in strictest confidence!*
Laura: *Temper! Temper! Bye!* (hangs up)
Lisa: *wait! <angry sigh> Right, I'll phone. (picks up phone and dials
number)
(At the Tendo house, around the same time but there it's night.)
<brrrinnngg!> <brrrinnnggg!>
Kasumi: (picks up phone) hello? (pause) Hi Lisa! (pause) You're where?
(pause) How? (long pause) Oh, a shark! Are you all right? (long pause)
I'm sure Nabiki can arrange something. (puts phone to side) Nabiki, could
you --
Nabiki: the seats on the 2.00pm flight have already been booked, just
tell Lisa and Ryoga to tell the airport staff that Nabiki Tendo booked
the tickets for them, LA South Central Airport will understand....
Kasumi: yes, Nabiki.
Nabiki: (turns towards the stares) I have my connections. (goes back to
reading her magazine: "Vague")
Tom: (while Kasumi is relaying info on the phone) she in LA? How did she
get there?
Ranma: it's been over a day since she went on that walk with Ryoga, I'm
surprised they haven't gone further.
Tom: but how far could he --
Ranma: -- don't ask, just don't ask.
(A couple of hours later at the airport...)
Lisa: *whaddya mean that the flight is delayed for 24 hours??!!*
Staff person: *I'm sorry but the electrics in some of the planes suddenly
went haywire around lunchtime due to a mysterious energy burst.*
Lisa: (embarrassed) *heh! I wonder what it could have been... Thanks...*
(in Japanese) Ryoga, the plane option is out, we're going to have to find
another way back...
Ryoga: you could --
Lisa: -- don't even think that I'm gonna swim back! Nuh-uh!
Ryoga: but --
Lisa: --no! No! Don't make me angry. How come you can travel over water
without noticing most of the time but not now!
Ryoga: I-I do? I guess I do but I've never really been aware of it, I
just always find a way.
Lisa: you get so lost you _lose_ the water?!
Ryoga: but now I'm aware of it and I want to see dear Akane and prove to
her my worth, in the contest... (looks at Lisa pleadingly) Lisaa... I
wouldn't ask unless I was desperate enough!
Lisa: (furious) don't do that, you know I fall for it every time!
(thinks) ...And how come I seem to be the only one you try it on!
<SPLOSH!>
Lisa: (looks down at the little pig and picks up some wet clothes) I
warned you, p-chan! (picks him up)
Voice: (from behind) my waif! (glomps Lisa)
Lisa: (turns round) It can't be! Kuno! What are you doing here? (kicks
him off)
Kuno: when I was told you were heading across the Pacific, I chartered my
private plane so that I could save you from any deviants you came across,
you innocent and beautiful girl! I couldn't let one of my loves be lost
among a sea of fools and sorcerers!
Lisa: alright already, Kuno! (gets idea) Say, how fast can you get it
back to Tokyo?
Kuno: faster than my beating heart! Faster than the winds of time and the
arrows of love!
Lisa: fast enough to get back in time for the martial arts contest?
Kuno: the contest slipped my mind as I thought of you!
Lisa: (purrs sweetly) but Kuno, you'd win for sure!
P-chan: (thinks) (unhappy) she's not going to take us back to Japan on
Kuno's plane. Just us and him!!
Kuno: you are right, we shall leave right away! Sasuke! To the plane!
(puts his arm around Lisa, which she soon disattaches) (Lisa picks up a
protesting P-chan and punches him out)
(Five minutes later, at the Tendo's...)
<brrinng!> <brrrinng!>
Nabiki: could someone get that?
<brrinng!> <brrinng!>
Ranma: don't look at me!
<brrriinng!> <brrriiinng!>
Akane: I'm finishing off this book!
<brrrinnng!> <brrriinngg!>
Soun and Genma: Tom, could you get that?
<brrrinn -->
Tom: (picks up phone) Hello, the Tendo school of indiscriminate
grappling.
Lisa: *your Japanese is improving.*
Tom: *Lisa?!*
Lisa: *clever! So, look, the flight was delayed but we bumped into Kuno
here so we're getting on a private jet with him back to Jap --*
Tom: *-- with Kuno!! You can't be serious! You and Kuno and that bandana
guy from the fight, alone on the same plane for the entire trip!!!*
Lisa: *yuh-huh!* (thinks) What's he so worked up about? You'd think he
cared or somethin'.
Tom: *wouldn't it be safer just to wait for the Tokyo plane?*
Lisa: *the competition would be nearly finished by the time I got back!*
Tom: *but it won't be safe with Kuno around, even if you are a psycho
chick!*
Lisa: *your concern melts my heart but I'll manage. Bye, you!* <click>
Tom: *wait!* (turns round) She hung up.
Ranma: what was that all about?
Tom: Lisa's flight has been cancelled, she and that bandana boy will
travel on Kuno's private plane!
Ranma: K-Kuno's got his own jet?! It's OK for some!
Akane: at least she'll be back in time, even if she has to break some of
Kuno's limbs in the process. Ryoga's with her, she'll be safe with him,
he's a nice, polite person.
Ranma: (angry) Ryoga's a p -- (stops himself)
Nabiki: a political analyst?
Ranma: a p.. (thinking)
Akane: a professional noodle eater?
Ranma: a p... (hesitating)
Tom: a pizza with extra topping?
Ranma: a... (gives up) person...
Nabiki: (sarcastically) oh... that _is_ bad.
(A while later, on the plane, currently flying over the Pacific...)
Lisa: (sitting on the seat opposite Kuno, with P-chan on the floor beside
her. Lisa is still amazed with the interior of the plane) (thinks) This
plane is going a little too fast for my comfort. (out loud) All these
pictures of Akane, (clears throat) the pigtailed girl and, um, me,
plastering the walls. I can't even see outside!
Kuno: who needs windows when you have these beautiful eyes staring back
at you.
Lisa: and you have such an cool library of Shakespeare in that oak
bookcase and thses leather chairs are really the word! And that classical
music is nice to listen to. It feels like sometimes you're real not too
bad, Kuno!
Kuno: when the prince rides the wings of the gods, he and his companions
must be properly entertained. Nothing common will befit this walker of
the skies.
Lisa: only sometimes, only sometimes... Say, Kuno, do you use your sword
on that tattered straw dummy of Ranma inside the plane?
Kuno: training for his punishment must happen through both night and day!
Lisa: that would be yes. Isn't that dangerous?
Kuno: not with expert mastery of the sword!
(Neither has noticed P-chan wandering off to the bathroom.)
Kuno: The electronic map shows we are nearly there. It's 4.00am in Japan.
Sasuke! Bring us some wine to celebrate my waif's safe return!
Sasuke: but I'm piloting the plane single-handedly with no formal
training!
Kuno: I shall get us some, then. (gets up and goes to another
compartment)
Lisa: (sings along) da-da-da-dummmm! Da-da-da-dummmmm! (Lisa doesn't
notice the shadow come up behind her)
Voice: hello. (puts their hand on Lisa's shoulder.)
Lisa: yaaah! (flips the person over hard and they land on the table
splitting it in two.)
Ryoga: ooohhh... (gets up, he's wearing his old clothes)
Lisa: Ryoga!! I'm really sorry!
Kuno: (rushes through) what is going on here? (sees Ryoga) Infidel!
Destroying my antique table and attacking my dear waif! You must pay!
(goes for sword) (Ryoga takes a defensive position)
Lisa: wait, Kuno! He hates Ranma too, he's my friend!
Kuno: (puts down his sword) relax, commoner!
Ryoga: (offended) commoner?!
Kuno: you are on the side of the right and the just, fighting for the
good, fair and pure maidens of this world against the evil doing of
Saotome the sorcerer and his accomplices!!
Ryoga: huh?
Lisa: (whispers) just go along with it.
(Everyone starts to relax until a jolt rocks the plane, black-clothed men
then fall out of cupboards, corners and plants. They take defensive
positions, ready to strike.)
Lisa & Ryoga: ninjas?! (standing back to back, ready to fight)
Kuno: Sasuke! What is going on, who are these strange men?
Sasuke: (from the cockpit) sorry sir, I must have left them there from
our last flight to the ninja convention!
Kuno: But our last voyage hasn't been for three months.
Lisa: these must be seriously unhappy ninjas.
Ninja #1: you must pay for leaving us to die! And you, (to Lisa) you must
pay for your family's mistakes..!
(The ninjas lunge towards Ryoga but he and Lisa kick him away, while
hitting two others simultaneously. Kuno is knocked out by another. One
strikes Lisa on her shoulder.)
Lisa: (falls back) AAAHHH!!!
Ryoga: (dashes forward) Lisa! (Ryoga aims a ki blast at the ninja but
strikes the door of the plane, pushing it open. A blast of air sucks a
few ninjas into a free tour of the Japanese shoreline, which is getting
nearer as the plane descends, somehow steadily) Lisa, are you OK?!
Lisa: watch out!
<WHAM!>
Ryoga: (gets thrown out of the plane) AAAAHHH!!
Lisa: Ryogaaa! (jumps out after him.)
(Both are now falling at an alarming rate towards the ever present watery
grave. Lisa tries hard to catch up with Ryoga.)
Ryoga: (reaching up) LIISSSAA!!! WHAATT AAARRE YYOOOUUU DOOIIINNG!!
Lisa: III CAANN'T LLEET YYOOUU DIIEEEE, YYOOUU''LL DRROOWNN!!!
Ryoga: WWHHAAAT?? III CAANN'T HEEARRR YOUUU!!!
(Lisa is barely able to breath as the wind whips her breath away. The
collar on her shirt strangles her as the sea gets closer. Gritting her
teeth, barely able to keep her eyes open, she grabs hold of Ryoga's
hand.)
Ryoga: LLIISSSAAA!
Lisa: PLLEEAASSEE FFOORRGIIVE MEEE!!!
Ryoga: WWHHATT???
(With all her strength Lisa flips her body around and whips Ryoga high
above her and towards the beach as they plunge into the moving grave.)
<SSLLAAP!! SSSWWOOOOSSSHH!!!!>
(Lisa smacks into the ocean head-first, and the waves she creates swing
back and engulf her.)
Ryoga: (heading at high speed towards the beach, a few hundered yard
away) NNNOOOOO, LIIISSAA!!!
<WHUMP!> <SPLUSH!>
(Ryoga falls onto the beach, just catching a retreating water current.)
P-chan: (looks towards the sea, but can't see anything because of the low
light) BU-KWWWWEEEEEE!!! KWWWEEEE!!!!! (Desperately looks for signs of
life but it is too dark and the waves are not calm) KWWWEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
(thinks) For me! She did it for me! And with her bad leg and bad
shoulder! (hears a plane fly over head and items come flying towards the
little piggy, including a kettle of hot water, the plane lands in a field
nearby)
<WHONK!> <SPLASH!>
Ryoga: oww! That's hot! (gets dressed and is about to jump in and save
Lisa when he remembers.) DAMN!!! (strikes rock nearby and shatters it) I
wouldn't be able to save her in my pig form, I'd drown before I got
there!! I never thought that this curse would end up killing anyone, not
even Ranma, well...I'll take a raincheck on that one... no-one could
survive that impact (a depressed aura surrounds Ryoga and the chi slowly
builds up in him.) Nnnnoooo!!! (he releases it into the air and it
explodes, causing a massive blast and explosion, which knocks Ryoga
back.) Hurry up Kuno, this is one thing which you can help on!! (Sees
some figures come towards him, it's Kuno and some other guys, lifeguards
probably.)
Kuno: I have summoned rescue teams to help my waif. Where is she?
Ryoga: (sadly points out to the far ocean) I don't know.
Kuno: I shall save her!! (dives for the sea)
<CLLOONNGG!!>
(Kuno unconscious.)
Ryoga: (holding bruised metal kettle) leave it to the professionals, they
don't need two people to save. (thinks) Lisa never told me the Tendo's
phone number and I never learned their address, I just always knew where
to go. Curse me! (backtracks) Well, not literally...
(Three hours later, in the Tendo's place, Akane gets up early to
practise, when she sees someone sitting near the door.)
Akane: Tom?
Tom: she said she would be home before now.
Akane: maybe Ryoga got them lost again.
Tom: Lisa not that stupid, she would have led the way this time, she has
sense of direction when she wants to.
Akane: maybe she's still at Kuno's?
Tom: Like I said, Lisa's not that stupid. (they both laugh nervously)
Akane: you've been up all night, haven't you? You're really worried.
Tom: (soberly) I woke around four with horrible sinking feeling in chest,
I know something happen.
Akane: It could just be heartburn?
Tom: (smiles at her weakly) thanks Akane, you really nice... but I know.
(A few minutes later, Akane and Tom are sitting at the table, drinking
hot mugs of cocoa. Tom is clenching his tight.)
Akane: I wish somebody cared about me as much as you care about Lisa.
Tom: (confused) but you do!
Akane: I do?!
Tom: Ranma, of course! (looks at Akane strangely) Do not tell me you
have not noticed?
Akane: noticed what?
Tom: I seen how he looks at you. How jealous he got when you complimented
Ryoga.
He is very crazy for you. (thinks) Or just plain crazy...
Akane: <pink!> (flushed) d-don't be ridiculous, Ranma doesn't l-l-love
about me, and why should I, him? (thinks) It can't be true, can it?
Tom: whatever you say.
Akane: r-right! I'm sure Lisa's OK. (thinks) How does Ranma feel about
me? What do I feel about him? Do I... love him?
(Both sit there, as the sun begins to pour in from cracks in the curtain,
with much on their minds.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
End of Chapters 5 & 6....
Once again, C&C much wanted and needed.
Thank you for reading this far.
eve.harper@usa.net
eve@cheerful.com