RANMA 1/2:- A LITTLE T.L.C.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-By Harper-
Key:
*xyz* means they're speaking in English. **xyz** is in Chinese. All other
times it's in Japanese.
(actions/description) <sounds> [genma sign] {authors notes}
Ranma-chan is when Ranma is female. P-chan refers to Ryoga when he's a
pig (literally).
{Disclaimer: the make-you-laugh-out-loud Ranma 1/2 characters are not
mine and are copyrighted and owned by Rumiko Takahashi, a very funny and
imaginative lady; Viz Communications; Kitty; Shougakukan Inc. and
possibly other companies who were clever enough to buy into this great
piece of manga and anime.}
{I'm not too sure about the layout of the Tendo's place, so please
forgive me - or correct me - for any mistakes I make.}
CHAPTER 1: CAN I KICK IT? I MEAN, HIM!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Zoom in on one of Tokyo's airports. It is late morning and a group of
students from Furankin High are being shown around the bustling airport,
bored bored bored....)
Voice: DIIEEE!!!
(Suddenly a young girl comes flying out of the cafeteria, her long black
hair flying in all directions, pinning a short-haired guy of the same age
to the wall with plastic knives.)
{NB: you can do that?!}
(Everyone looks on in awe as she then takes a chair and attaches it to
the apparently hapless young man. As she prepares to attach something
else to
him, he suddenly rips free, jumps fast and high and lands behind the 17
year old before she realises he's gone. She jumps round in amazement and
faces the 17 year old martial artist with a glare which freezes everyone
except the dark haired boy. They are completely oblivious to the stares
and gapes they are receiving from everyone in the airport.)
The boy: *Not bad for a clumsy uncute non-babe like you!*
The girl: stupid jerk!
The boy: *I hate when you insult me and I can't understand it!*
The girl: (sweetly) *but you're so cute when you're clueless, Tom*
Tom: (face faults) *wha...?!*
<KA-BOOOOT!>
(Tom now finds himself heading for the roof, a hundred feet up. He then
starts falling back and lands without harm.)
The girl: (smug) *Ha! Gotcha!* (Japanese) stupid! (pulls a face)
Tom: *I have no idea what you just called me but I know I'm deeply
insulted by it!*
The girl: *I wasn't the one who forgot to book a hotel! Where are we
gonna stay during the Everything Goes International Young Martial Artists
Competition?! *
Tom: *But you said you would do it even if it killed you!*
The girl: *nuh-uh! I said I would get you to do it even if it killed you!
Duh!*
Tom: *Lisa!!...Well, what can you expect from a psycho like you!*
<WHAM!> <sound of glass breaking>
(Tom reaches the exit before he expected to, the exit thought the same as
well. Lisa storms towards the newly created window in the sliding doors
shouting out unprintable stuff.)
Furankin Students: ....
Furankin student 1: if they didn't insult each other in English I'd swear
that they were R --
Furankin student 2: -- do you think it's something in the water?
Furankin student 3: is it infectious? I have low immunity to these sort
of things.
(A few hours later in the "quiet" district of Nerima, the Tendos and the
Saotomes were cautiously sitting down to lunch. It started off quietly
enough -- Akane and Ranma were not there -- until shouting was heard in
the street.)
Nodoka: what is going on out there? Such a noise!
Nabiki: those two just won't stop fighting. (thinks) Where's my camera
and the water hose? Kuno-baby will shell out to see his two beauties
fighting.
Voice 1: Pervert!!!
<WHAM BANG CRASH! etc...>
Nabiki: Where's my camera?!
Ranma: (pops up) why'd you need it?
Nabiki: If you're there, then who's Akane fighting?
Ranma: huh?
(Suddenly a bench comes flying through the window and lands on
Genma-panda. It breaks in two.)
Genma-panda: (shakily holds up sign) [that hurt]
(More arguing is heard outside.)
Soun: Akane!
Akane: yes? (emerges from kitchen, obviously trying to cook as a
not-so-faint odour of burning seeps through).
Soun: if you're... then... who... how.... why....
Akane: where did that bench come from?
(Everyone points to the new door in window.)
Akane: oh my god, that's --
Ranma: -- almost as dangerous as your cooking , true. (now finds
remainder of bench on his head)
Nodoka: Akane, I see you've started preparing for marriage, good. Keep
practising your cooking for your future husband!
Akane: wait a sec --
Nabiki: -- who _is_ that?
Voice 1: pervert, jerk, idiot, dummy!
Akane: must be someone looking for Ranma.
Kasumi: (quickly changing subject) they don't look Japanese.. or Chinese,
like Ranma's friends usually are.
Nabiki: they're European, well he is at least. (sees surprised faces)
......You don't get ahead in business by not taking a truly
international view of our ever expanding corporate global market!
Everyone else: .....
Nabiki: (flatly) we had a couple of exchange students from England the
other week, OK?
Ranma: (curious) England?
Akane: Don't tell me that you don't know where England is, idiot?!
Ranma: who you calling idiot, tomboy?!
Akane: jerk!
(Ranma soon finds himself being malleted outside where a second fight
starts. Everyone steps through the hole to get a better look at the
chaos. An audience soon builds up.)
Onlooker: this is why we don't bother to get cable.
(The fight soon ends when Lisa and Akane accidentally knock out each
other's opponents.)
Akane & Lisa: Thanks! I don't need any help. He's a jerk by the way.
Lisa: word on that for Tom.
Akane: My name's Akane, where are you from?
Lisa: (tall and quite slim; but her physical features suggest that her
descent is torn between European and Asian) I'm Lisa, from around,
staying in England at the mo'. Unfortunately that's where this pervert is
from
also, we go to the same high school. (Motions to Tom, a tall, dark haired
boy, quite good-looking, even though he's unconscious at the moment)
Tom's
family insisted on paying for both our tickets! I had to travel with this
idiot all the way from London to Tokyo.
Akane: How did you cope?
Lisa: same as always, sedatives. (Looks around with panic in her eyes)
Where did the airport go?
Akane: uh, the airport is 7 miles from here.
Lisa: what? Where am I?
Akane: welcome to the <choke> lovely district of Nerima.
Lisa: I'm sure I've heard that somewhere...
Akane: wouldn't be surprised.
(The two boys start to recover.)
Akane: pathetic aren't they?
Lisa: tell me about it. Sorry about the mess, didn't mean to disturb the
peace.
Akane & Ranma: (facefault) ....
Akane: what are you in Tokyo for?
Lisa: Everything-Goes International Young Martial Artist Competition,
being held next week.
Akane: really? We're in that too!
Ranma: Akane, you won't make it past the first round.
(Ranma unconscious again.)
Lisa: Sorry about the damage, Tom's father will pay for it, he's
loaded.
Akane: is his father a martial artist?
Lisa: His mum was, Tom's inheriting her school. No, his father... uh...
owns a successful business.
Everyone but Lisa & Tom: What is it?
Tom: (whispers) *Have you told them that my dad will pay for it, as
<groan> usual, with his successful drive-through funeral business.*
Lisa: Its... uh.. .a vehicular orientated post-human management
corporation.
Nabiki: Drive through, cremation while-u-wait?
Lisa: if-if you want to put it like that.
Kasumi: where are you staying during this competition? You're welcome to
stay here.
Lisa: That would be so cool!
(Soun breaks out in a sweat as he thinks of the insurance costs.)
Tom: *what did we just agree to?*
Lisa: * If you hadn't slept through -- snored through -- those Japanese
evening classes you would know.*
Tom: *It didn't help that I got there through you kicking me through the
window.*
Lisa: * Alright already, but would you have gone without my help?! We're
staying at their place.*
Tom: *but after what we've done --*
Lisa: *on one condition, though, that you help with the housework. *
Tom: *what about you?*
Lisa: *just because I'm a woman doesn't mean I should be forced to do
degrading, menial work.*
Tom: * Why not?* (seeing Lisa brimming with anger, Tom runs down the
street and jumps onto the top of a lamppost, in less than a second)
Lisa: PIIIG!!!!
(Just before Lisa broke the lamppost in two, Tom jumped away, hopping
from roof to roof, unaware that he was heading towards the Cat Cafe. Lisa
said
something incomprehensible under her breath, and then with remarkable
calmness to face the stunned crowd.)
Akane: (thinks) she's as strong as Ryoga...
Ranma: (thinks) ...but thinner than that English supermodel, what's her
name?
Akane: (thinks) ...Kate Moss. It's just not fair!
Lisa: Sorry about that. Anyway, he's promised to help with the housework,
in apology.
Kasumi: He doesn't have to --
Lisa: -- it's OK, he wants too. Just don't let him cook (chokes with a
dire look). Please! You have_not_ tasted cooking like his, it, like,
makes an
atom bomb seem edible.
Ranma: Tell me about it, Akane's cooking is like a --
<SLAP!>
Akane: (hits Ranma and runs off) (thinks) I'm not going to stand around
and be insulted! I try to do my best and all he can do is insult me, time
and
time again. A little appreciation of my cooking wouldn't kill him. I'm
not his slave, if he can't even respect me then... then... (she's unaware
that she is heading towards the Cat Cafe. Ranma runs down the street
after her)
Lisa: what is it with those two, all they do is fight when it's totally
obvious that they have the hots for each other. Now where'd that jerk Tom
got to..?
Tom: (runs down the street) *mmm, I'm hungry. I haven't had anything to
eat since England. I didn't have anything to eat on the plane, funny
that. I
don't even remember the trip!...Mmm, what's the delicious smell?
(realises he is standing outside a ramen shop called Cat Cafe. It is
quite busy)
Cat Cafe, why would anyone name their cafe that? It's nice that they had
a
sign in Chinese.* (he hadn't told Lisa that he knew a bit of Chinese --
he had
been to China just recently) (walks in and sits down) (thinks) The
waitress is Chinese and is really beautiful! What's she doing working in
a place
like this?
Shampoo: (stops for a milisecond) I help you soon (rushes about, serving
customers in record
time).
Tom: **Its OK, I'm not that hungry, I can wait.** (his stomach growled in
disagreement).
Shampoo: (pleased that someone here speaks Chinese and is nice to her)
**I'm Shampoo, you are a kind person, I'll get you something extra
tasty.** (thinks) He's extra tasty too, I wonder if he can fight martial
arts like
my Ranma. (sighs at thought of Ranma)
Tom: (thinks) she seems a nice person, if only Lisa was like that...
(fails to notice in the corner of the room is a dartboard featuring
Akane's
face, now nearly unrecognisable through overuse by one Chinese waitress
and occasionally an insane gymnast)
(Back at the Tendo residence, Lisa is attending to Genma's wounds which
are healing quite nicely, he is still a panda. Her demeanour has changed
and
she deals with Genma-panda's wounds quite gently and patiently. Everyone
is finding her unpredictable behaviour only slightly unnerving; they have
seen much more unusual characters.)
Lisa: nice panda-wanda. Does Mr Panda want some lovely bamboo sticks to
chewewuwe on? Hmmm?
(Everyone else was quite enjoying watching this. Nabiki even video
recorded it, it could come in useful for something...)
Nabiki: just out of curiosity, does your... friend have many "friends"?
Lisa: (bemused) like what?
Nabiki: like three fiancees chasing him: one, a sweet but violent maniac
who denies it; another, a cross-dressing okonomiyake chef; and the other,
a beautiful Chinese Amazon warrior. "Admirers" such as...
Lisa: (thinks) who could be _that_ popular? Strange humour these people.
Nabiki: ...a misguided kendo artist <sigh>, an insane gymnast, a
lecherous martial artist and a hormonally enhanced ice skater. And then
there's their
enemies..
Lisa: (thinks) whose enemies?
Nabiki: ...a 16 year-old voodoo practitioner, a temper-challenged guy who
would spend days just finding the front door, the same misguided kendo
artist <sigh>, the same insane gymnast , the same lecherous martial
artist, the same horm --
Lisa: -- jeeze, this guy or girl sure seems to attract people who can't
make up their mind. (sits for a while, thinking about it)
Nabiki: (under her breath) more like guy and girl...
Lisa: sorry about hurting your pet, he is sooo cute! Does anyone have any
idea which direction Tom (her face suddenly tensed up) went in? Thanks,
you guys! Later! (smiles as she dashed off. She was quite cute when she
smiled and the Tendo's wondered why all these good-looking, talented
people
wanted to kill each other)
Nabiki: didn't Ranma and Akane go that way? Isn't the Cat Cafe that way?
Everyone: ...uh-oh!
Soun: (starts crying) the medical bills are killing me!
(Back to the Cat Cafe where Ranma and Akane are nearly at.)
Ranma: Look, for the 516th time, I'm sorry!
Akane: (thinks) jerk! Jerk! Jerk! Jerk! Even if he is good looki --
Shampoo: nihao Ranma!
Ranma: S-Shampoo! Where d'you... where d'you... come fro -- (looks up and
sees the Cat Cafe sign) uh-oh.
Shampoo: (grabs onto Ranma and hugs him tight) Shampoo so happy that
husband come see her!
Akane: I see now, you weren't apologising, you just came to see her.
Ranma: no, t-that's not tru --
Akane: womanising pervert! (throws Ranma through window of Cat Cafe)
Ranma: well... I don't think you're cute at all! (thinks) Gyaaah! Well
actually I do think she's cute! What is wrong with my mouth?!
Akane: huh! Now you insult me! I don't know what Shampoo sees in you, you
jerk! (thinks) Or do I?
(All the customers except Tom, who's lost in his own thoughts, run for
safety, trampling over Ranma in the process.)
Ranma: <cough> not... cute... <splutter>
Shampoo: violent girl hurt poor Ranma!
Akane: don't call me that!
Tom: *huh? Where'd everyone go?* (notices broken window) (turns to
Shampoo) **What's going on?**
Shampoo: **the violent girl threw my Ranma through my window. She doesn't
deserve him. He deserves a better wife than her.**
Tom: ** wife?! She's married to him! Those two!**
Akane: (who's learned a bit of Chinese by now) **I'm not his wife!**
{Well, Akane's clever - in terms of IQ not common sense - isn't she? Why
shouldn't she know other languages?!}
Tom: (relieved) **that makes more sense!**
Akane: **I'm his fiancee.**
Tom: **why?! You two obviously hate each other!**
Akane: ** I... don't hate him! ...Not totally. Our parents arranged it,
not
us!** (thinks) If only we were marri -- hey, where'd that thought come
from?! (metaphorically hammers the thought) Hmm, thought no baka!
Lisa: So why don't you break it off then, this is the nineties!
Akane: ....
Tom: *Lisa! Where did you come from?!*
Ranma: Could all the bilinguals please leave the building?!
Shampoo: I, his fiancee too!
Lisa: !
Ukyo: <coughs>
Ranma & Akane: Ukyo!
Ukyo: Ran-chan, honey, don't forget me!
Lisa: !! (thinks) Ranma is the guy Nabiki was on about?!!
Tom: *what's going on?* ( Lisa tells him the story.) *Three!! That's not
fair! How come he gets all the luck?! Instead I get stuck hanging around
with a tomboy like you.*
Lisa: ...Tom ....you are totally diggin' a grave for yourself!!!!
(smashes the chair and table where Tom had been sitting a couple of
milliseconds
ago. She twists round and jumpkicks Tom and swings at him, who dodges
each punch and grabs onto a ceiling light, swings round and balance on a
hair
handle, Lisa missing him with every kick she throws)
Shampoo: (sighs) he good! (thinks) I wonder if two husbands are allowed
for me?
Lisa: *fight back, you total coward!*
Tom: *you know I don't hit girls! Who are you calling a coward,
giirrrlllie!*
(Lisa jumps forward and attempts to knock Tom off the chair with a
controlled but powerful ki blast but he just jumps over her, turns round
and taps her on the shoulder. The ki blast, however, bounces off the wall
and blasts the ceiling lights, and some of the ceiling. Cologne looks
down from the above floor and sees the commotion, she sees Lisa and a
surprised look, for once, crosses her face. She picks up a book and looks
through
it...)
Cologne: (to herself) **thought I recognised her...**
Tom: (boasting) *ha ha!*
Lisa: why, you! (hammers Tom into floor with a spare bowl of cold ramen)
Nabiki: they remind me of another couple...
Akane: Nabiki?
Ranma: We're not a couple, what would I want a flat-chested girl like
her!!
Akane: that's true... -- what did you just call me?!!
Nabiki: did I say your names? (smug grin on face)
(Ranma and Akane go quiet and both find the floor suddenly fascinating.)
Shampoo: this place get crowded quickly.
Tom: (recovering on floor) *mmm.. this ramen is nice...*
(Lisa pays for the light with what little yen she has. Ranma and Akane go
home for something to eat (or rather, Akane chases Ranma home with her
mallet after that earlier comment). After Lisa helped Shampoo clean up
(she insisted), she decides time's getting on and says goodbye to
Shampoo. She
steps out into the dwindling light only to get a fright. She sees
something waiting in the shadows.)
Lisa: (mutters under her breath) *it's another pervert. I'll totally get
them. HIYAHHH!!*
Voice: *Owwwww... what did you do that for?!*
Lisa: *Tom? What are you doing here? Were you worried?*
Tom: *don't be silly! I'm just trying to protect everyone else from a
psycho like you!*
Lisa: (momentary twitch) (shrugs shoulders) *sure. Fine. Whatever.*
(starts to walk fast away)
Tom: *Are you OK?*
Lisa: (head down)*I'm not a total psycho all the time.*
Tom: *I never said you were.* (thinks) What's wrong with her, I'll try
to cheer her up. What with? (spends a few blocks thinking about it)
(makes a
face)*nyaaah!*
Lisa: !
Tom: (finds his head connected to a wall, or rather through a wall, with
a nice view of the owner's garden) *uuhrggh.... t-that's m-more like
i-i-i...*
Lisa: *I think you trying to say "that's more like it".*
Tom: *uh...yeah* (thinks) at least she's feeling better... keep
conscious, keep con -- (collapses)
Lisa: *I guess I overdid my violence quotia today.* (rips a bit of cloth
off her jacket and dabs it against the cut on his head, she then takes
his unconscious body and carries it away.)
(A few minutes earlier in the Kuno residence...)
Kuno: Sasuke, have you polished the great and beautiful picture of Akane
and the pig-tailed goddess yet?
<CRASH!> <Sound of glass smashing>
Kuno: Sasuke! What have you done to my beautiful Akane and pig-tailed
girl!?
(The gold frame and picture were in pieces in the living room.)
Sasuke: (very nervous) s-sorry Master Kuno, I slipped on some of those
black rose petals a-and the picture is 5 metres tall and does weigh over
5 kilog --
Kuno: Silence infidel! For committing such a grievous crime you must die.
But I will give you an honourable death since you have been such a loyal
servant. ONE HUNDRED SWIN--
Voice: !
<BOOM!!> <RUMBLE..... RUMBLE>
Kuno: Some poor innocent is suffering at the hands of some
deviant...Saotome!!!! Sasuke, clear up this mess and attend to your
duties! (whisks away to help the "innocent")
Sasuke: y-yes sir! (Sasuke faints onto the floor)
Lisa: (looks back at the wall, there is a big dent in it) *Maybe I was a
little too hard on him (hears shouting coming from the house), oh no,
someone in the house heard! Better get out of here qui --* (a figure
approaches her, she couldn't quite see who it was in the diminishing
light)
Kuno: Saotome, don't hide in the shadows, coward! I, Tatewaki Kuno shall
punish you!
Lisa: what?! Who's Saotome? (she drops Tom to her side with shock)
Kuno: (aims the sword towards Lisa, she dodged it just as the sword cuts
through his wall) Damn you Saotome! Come out and face me!
Lisa: (steps out under the flickering light of a lamppost) who's
Saotome?!
Kuno: ah, an innocent beauty, a long-haired waif! I shall save you from
his evil clutches!!
Lisa: WHO'S SAOTOME?!! (hits him over the head hard, but it has no effect
because Kuno's head is so thick)
Kuno: why poor girl, that weakling beside you!
Lisa: that's no weakling, that's Tom, I'll have you know!
Kuno: sorry, fair maiden, for the trouble I have caused you. In apology I
shall let you date me.
Lisa: I don't even know you!!
Kuno: ah ha! Please forgive me. My name is Upperclassman Tatewaki Kuno,
captain of the Furankin really High kendo club, undefeated new star of
the high school fencing world....but my peers call me... the 'Blue
Thunder'
of Furankin High! (lightening strikes)
Lisa: (sarcastically) oh right, sure. (thinks) Blue Thunder..? Why...?!
Kuno: You have not heard of the deviant Saotome?
Lisa: his first name in a city of millions might help...
Kuno: his name is Ranma Saotome, an evil trickster and magician who has
enslaved my pig-tailed girl and dares to live under the same roof as the
beauteous Akane Tendo! Enemy of all women!!
isa: the pigtailed guy who Akane beats up?! He acts macho, yes, but he's
harmless enough.
Kuno: You know of him and you, too, are under his spell! Just like dear
Akane and my pigtailed girl. (sighs at the thought) Oh my goddess!
Lisa: pigtailed girl? (thinks) Who's she? No-one's mentioned her...
(picks up the still unconscious Tom and starts to walk to the Tendo
residence)
Kuno: (lost in thought) the trusting and yet ever so pretty long-haired
waif. Oh my Akane, sweet and strong and so pure... My pig-tailed goddess:
beautiful, mysterious and yet full of vitality and health.... (imagines a
triple wedding with all three girls around him, begging to be married to
him first)
Lisa: (thinks) I'm out of here before that weirdo comes out of his
daydream.
CHAPTER 2: I'D LIE FOR YOU (AND THAT'S THE TRUTH)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Lisa and a bandaged up Tom were sitting round the table having some
belated dinner while Ranma and Akane were watching the TV, Genma-panda
and Soun were playing chess and Kasumi was washing up.)
Lisa: mmm, this is so great! Kasumi, you should be on Masterchef.
Kasumi: what's that?
Lisa: never mind.
Kasumi: by the way, Lisa, there was a phonecall for you.
Lisa: really, who was it?
Kasumi: they didn't say.
Lisa: hmm.. odd vibe...
Akane: (to Lisa) so, why are you so late?
Lisa: some space cadet attacked me, thought I was Ranma, a real pervert.
Akane: someone worse than Ranma?
Ranma: ...
Lisa: makes Tom look he's got it goin' on! You probably wouldn't have
heard of him, he's a real loser and a bore.
Tom: *what are you saying about me?*
Akane and Ranma: Kuno?
Lisa: yes, that was it! He kept going on about some pig-tailed girl. Do
you know who she is?
(The room fell silent.)
Lisa: like, what did I say?! (thinks) They're hiding something and I'm
gonna find out what, one way or another! I could just read their minds
but that wouldn't be as much fun and they might get suspicious of me...
(out
loud) Akane? Who is she?!
Akane: ...no-one important!
Kasumi: want some more food, dear?
Lisa: I'm fine, Kasumi. (looks around to see if she can tell anything
from peoples faces and notices something unusual) Why's a panda playing
shogi?
Nabiki: It's a very bright panda.
Ranma: I wouldn't say that. (grumbles)
Lisa: whatever...(not entirely convinced) (starts to eat again,
apparently happy with the explanations. Everyone gets back to what they
were doing.
Nodoka still seems a little disturbed at the 'pigtailed girl's'
mention.)
Tom: *what was that about?*
Lisa: *I'll tell you later.* (thinks) Is the pigtailed girl another one
of
Ranma's fiancees? Or was Kuno not a complete bonehead when he ranted on
about her? This family is weird!
(Later on, when everyone was getting ready for bed, Lisa went to
Nabiki's
room.)
Lisa: Nabiki?
Nabiki: Hmm? (sees Lisa) It'll cost you.
Lisa: what?
Nabiki: you are after the low-down on the girl and the panda?
Lisa: Yes, I am. (hand on hip)You got it or am I wasting my time?
Nabiki: Drop the attitude, it doesn't work on me. 5000 yen, minimum.
Lisa: as if! I haven't got that amount of money!
Nabiki: well you could either figure it out for yourself or find some
more money.
Lisa: (flatly) thanks.
Nabiki: where are you sleeping?
Lisa: in a room near the porch. It'll be nice and quiet.
(Nabiki tries hard to hide a smile, knowing about Genma and Ranma's
regular morning spar in the back garden early in the morning. Lisa walks
out,
totally bemused at everyone's strange behaviour.)
Nabiki: she's a smart girl, I'll give her a day to figure it out,
tops...
(Lisa yawned as she stumbled into the living room, grabbing a mattress
Kasumi had left out, she lies down and instantly falls asleep, even
though her body clock should have thought it day, she felt as if she had
not
slept for weeks. A few minutes later, when the house was in darkness,
Tom
groggily emerged from the bathroom, looking the worse for wear after
accidentally eating one of Akane's cookies which someone had abandoned
in
the kitchen for fear of their life. He was suffering concussion from the
incident with the concrete wall and fell over a few times. The last time
he tripped over something and went face into... a pillow, an unusually
hard
pillow.)
Tom: *mmm... comfy....* (he then drifted off into sleep or a coma).
(6.30 AM the next morning.)
Voice: Hiyahh! Take that, old man!
Lisa: (stirred slightly. She leaned over as if to switch off an alarm
clock. Finding none there she just let her arm drop) *mmm... another
pillow... bit hard though... me cold... cuddle pillow tighter....*
(7.00AM in the morning.)
Voice 1: Try that out for size, Pop! Yaah!! You're getting old.... Ahh!
Water! Not again!
<SPLISH!>
<SPLASH!>
Lisa: *hmmmm...?* (she snuggles up to the extra "pillow" and enjoys the
warm, safe feeling it gives her.)
Voice 1: AARRGHHH!!! NOT WATER THAT HOT, POP!!
Lisa: (wakes up suddenly and focuses her eyes)*doesn't look like a
pillow...?* (she then realises that she's looking not at a pillow but
something totally different).....oooooohhh ...PEERRRRRVERRT!!!!!
<Sound of window being smashed.>
(Tom knocks himself and Ranma into the pond. Ranma-chan panics and jumps
to an open window upstairs, she forgets that it's Akanes. And Akane is a
bit
grumpy.)
Akane: PEERRRVVEERT!!!!
Ranma-chan: I-I can explain...T-Tom knoc --
<THUMP!>
(Ranma-chan goes back through that same window at a much faster speed,
getting an arial tour of Nerima district. Akane hears something crash
into a dustbin further down the street.)
Akane: and stay there, that's where you belong!!
(Tom, meanwhile, is suffering from concussion and tries to snuggle up to
a rock at the side of the pond.)
Tom: *....bit cold this pillow...zzzzz.....*
(Lisa was standing in the pyjamas she borrowed from Akane, fuming at
Tom,
who still didn't wake up. Genma, as a human, just stood there and
watched
this with a mixture of nonchalance and amusement.)
Lisa: I totally cannot believe this! Get out of that pond and explain
yourself! You can't still be asleep, you're just totally buggin' me!!
(Tom remained blissfully asleep and tried to use a bemused fish as a
pillow. Even if he was awake he wouldn't be able to understand Lisa's
ranting.)
Lisa: (suddenly notices the third person standing on the porch) WHAT ARE
YOU DOING THERE. EXPLAIN YOURSELF.
Genma: (finds himself unable to move. It was almost as if his
subconscious
was afraid of this 17 year old waif) (mutters) damn subconscious.
Lisa: (no emotion or accent in her voice) WHAT DID YOU SAY.
Genma: (thinks) c-could it be... she knows the ancient and very rarely
mastered psychic technique of projecting paralysis onto opponents..
the..
the.. chi of the... chicken kibab! She seems so young to have learned
it?! It's getting cold and all I could find to wear in a hurry was this
ladies
dressing gown. Brrr.. very cold... If only I'd learned that technique...
I'd tell her who I am if I could move my mouth...
Lisa: Are you some sort of pervert? (thinks) Although he does have good
taste in ladies dressing gowns, I wouldn't mind one like that.
{Lisa speaking normally does not reverse the effect, she has to want to
and think it}
Akane: (pops her head out of the window) A pervert? Is Happosai
here?!...Uncle Saotome, why are you standing outside in that dressing
gown?
Lisa: Uncle... Saotome...?
Akane: that's Ranma's father, Genma Saotome.
Lisa: urk! S-sorry Mr. Saotome... er... (prolonged silence)
Akane: Since we're both up, why don't we go out somewhere! I'll get
dressed.
Lisa: um..we kinda left our stuff at the airport.
Akane: then you can borrow some of my clothes and we can go pick up your
stuff.
Lisa: Whatever! See ya Mr. Saotome! (and she dashes off)
Genma: (thinks) !
Nabiki: (peeks out of her window with her camera and accidentally drops
it on Genma's head) oh, my camera!
{What compassion she has for Genma!}
(In Akane's bedroom....)
Akane: what about this? (gives Lisa one of her tighter-fitting outfits)
Lisa: (tries it on) hmmm.. a bit baggy, especially around the waist...
(sees Akane's face) ...Good enough! Where did Ranma go?
Akane: Probably went to Ukyo's... or (tenses up) Shampoo's! (with
obvious
disgust)
Lisa: You're jealous!
Akane: no I'm not!! I don't get jealous of him! (face starts to turns
red
despite self )
Lisa: As if! You do!! (laughs) And after all the times you called him a
pervert and a jerk?!
Akane: (shouts, rather flustered) I'M NOT!!!...HE IS!!!
Lisa: you may have totally fooled everyone else (thinks) ..including
yourself... (out loud) but not me! Wouldn't Nabiki just love to record
this conversation; what it would cost you to keep it quiet!!
Nabiki: (in her own room, quietly) oh, don't worry about me, I'm already
on it!
Akane: (turns the tables on Lisa) and what about you and Tom ...huh? You
seemed pretty cosy this morning...
Lisa: (panics) how... how do you...? He.. he crept into the sofa bed
without me knowing! That pervert!
Nabiki: (in room) this gets even better! I might even get enough to get
that new camera!
Akane: Yes... and you with your arm around him!
Nabiki: (in room) someone up there likes me today!
Lisa: I-I did not! I-I thought he was... he was a... (head toward floor)
pillow...
Nabiki: (in room, trying not to laugh) no, not likes, loves me!
Akane: (laughs) who's fooling who now?
Lisa: uh, sure, fine, whatever. IhavetogogetmystufffromtheairportI'mouty
!
(speeds out of the room)
Akane: hey wait! I'm not ready yet! (a few minutes later, she dashes out
of her room and out of the door. The house is silent for a few moments)
Nabiki: (enjoying the unusual silence) I might even be able to help pay
the bills and have enough left over for one of those new, extra
powerful,
extra small cameras! Now, all I have to do is make some more copies of
that
conversation. (starts to play back the tape) it's lucky that I had my
radio-operated recorder nearby... Oh, the walls are so thin in this
place
and the heads... so thick!
(An hour or so later...)
Kasumi: breakfast's ready!!! (it was about 8.00am by now)
Nabiki: when did she get up? I never heard her. (goes downstairs)
(Ranma was sitting at the table, stuffing the food down his mouth at an
amazing but not surprising rate. His head was newly bandaged, covering
all his bruises, which were healing rapidly. He had gone to see Dr. Tofu
and
had changed back to a boy, if you want to call him that. Bedraggled
wasn't the word! Soaking wet, scalded from the hot water (boiling was
more like
it), clothes ripped and smelling of a dustbin; he wasn't too happy.)
Nabiki: (innocently) so Ranma, seen Akane this morning?
Ranma: (a look) ....
Kasumi: (looking round table and seeing only three others: Nabiki, Ranma
and Soun) where is everybody?
Nabiki: Akane and Lisa are in town, Nodoka's shopping, Genma's paralysed
and in the back garden wearing only a ladies dressing gown and Tom's
sleeping in his old clothes on a fish in the pond.
Kasumi: As long as everyone is accounted for and happy!
Nabiki: I think Tom's actually unconscious.
Kasumi: Oh poor thing! I'll take him to Dr. Tofu's later on.
Nabiki: no, I'll do that, you have lots of things to do.
Kasumi: (cheerily) No, I'll do it!
Nabiki: (thinks) I wonder if Tom has life insurance?
(The fish, meanwhile, has managed to escape Tom's grasp and head now
falls against the large rock.)
Tom: *Owww!*
Nabiki: someone's woken up.
Tom: (surveys his current state -- in a pond) *HUH?! What?!* (turns red
and dashes to the bathroom, only to realise that the only clothes he has
are
the wet ones on him.)
Nabiki: * you can borrow Ranma's clothes,* (Japanese) can't he? (to
Ranma)
Ranma: (not sure what he's agreeing to) uh, sure.
Tom: *I don't want to impose.*
Nabiki: * you can always borrow mine...? Or Akane's might fit --*
Tom: *-- Ranma's room is just up and along there, right?*
(Nabiki nods. Tom dashes to the room.)
Tom: (looking for something to wear) *what's this....? Oh my god!!*
Ranma: I didn't know you knew English?
Nabiki: of course... I don't. But this pocket electronic translator
comes
in real handy.
Ranma: what did I agree to?
Nabiki: that he could borrow something to wear.
Ranma: oh right. (pause) Oh no, oh no...!
Nabiki: what?!
Ranma: (rushes to room) Tom! Stop!!
(Nabiki and Kasumi go and see what's going on. Ranma's face has turned
cherry red as Tom stands there holding incriminating evidence, that had
fallen from Ranma's fallen waste paper basket.)
Tom: *what is this?!* (holds up a pink dress with Ranma's name sown in
English, a "gift" from his school chums on April Fools Day)
Nabiki: *that's not Ranma's !*
Tom: *why has it got his name on it?!*
Nabiki: *what a coincidence! That a dress that should accidently end up
in Ranma's room should have his name on it!* (remains calm because she
is
more amused than scared)
Tom: hmmmm....
Nabiki: *that's a friend of Ranma's dress! Yes! (holds it up to Ranma)
Does it look like it would fit him?*
Ranma: (pretty embarrassed) Nabiki.... (As Ranma pushes the dress away
from him, some photos fall out)
Tom: *what are these?! (photos of Ranma as he was caught in girl clothes
as a boy) Ranma! I never expected this of you! You think you know
people!*
Nabiki: (recognising these as blackmail photos she had sold Ranma.) You
were supposed to get rid of these, Ranma!
Kasumi: why, you look so nice in these clothes! (thinks) ...Yes, that
plan will work... It'll have to now. I don't want people to think that a
cross-dresser is engaged to my little sister. (realising she has been
thinking out loud) Oh, my...
Ranma: I'm not a pervert!
Nabiki: Depends on who you ask.
Tom: *hello! I'm still here!*
Kasumi: (in weak English) * you want food?*
Tom: (distracted and hungry) *what?*
Nabiki: get 'im!
(Ranma bashes Tom into unconsciousness while Nabiki and Kasumi pull a
net
out of nowhere and cover Tom. They then use the net as a sling and throw
him back in the pond. It works and Tom falls into sleep or
unconsciousness....)
Kasumi: that felt cruel but it was for a good cause.
Soun: (still sitting at the table, reading his paper) Intitiative,
daughters, that's what it's all about!
(An hour later and Tom had woken up.)
Tom: (thinks) I had the strangest dream.. (out loud)*I have an awful
feeling of deja vu.... This pond looks familiar.*
Nabiki: (innocently) *why would that be?*
Kasumi: *food?*
Tom: (forgets the situation he is in and rushes to the table) *mmm...
foood...*
(Around 9.20am somewhere in the Nerima distict.)
Lisa: it's nice that they'll deliver the luggage to the house.
Akane: I think that they were scared of you.
Lisa: the assistant manager was looking down my shirt, he deserved it!
Akane: (not believing that she's saying what she's about to) did you
really need to hit him so many times?
Lisa: (defensively) I did not hit him that much!
Akane: oh, so 978 punches are "not that much", are they?
Lisa: (annoyed) he's still alive, isn't he? By the way, do you know any
doctors? (thinks) Stupid question. (out loud) I thought I'd get a
check-up before the championship next week.
Akane: there's Dr. Tofu, he's very good. He can see someones aura, you
know? He's a martial arts master. I'll take you to him --
Lisa: -- no it's OK, just point me in the general direction, I can
manage.
Akane: but --
Lisa: no really, it's fine! (nervous)
Akane: (motions reluctantly) over there.
Lisa: thanks, later! (runs off)
Akane: what is her problem?
(A little while later, Akane arrives home.)
Akane: (notices that Nabiki looks a little too happy with herself) what?
Nabiki: where's Lisa? I need to talk to you both about something.
Akane: she's at Dr. Tofu's.
(Ranma barely manages to stifle an insult.)
Akane: it's just a check-up! (hits Ranma over head) I didn't hurt her!
Ranma: hey! What was that for? I didn't say anything!
Akane: You were thinking it.
Ranma: (thinks) I was thinking it? How would she know?
(Meanwhile at Dr. Tofu's.)
Dr. Tofu: A friend of Akane's are you? Yes, you seem in perfect physical
shape apart from...
Lisa: apart from what?... Oh, you can see it can't you, Akane told me
that
you were good at that sort of thing.
Dr. Tofu: you have a very powerful aura, unheard of in someone so young.
Lisa: I've done a lot of travelling around Asia, and Europe and America
checkin' my roots, y'know? Before I went back to England to stay with my
adoptive parents. That's when I found out about...
Dr Tofu: found out what..?
Lisa: I'll tell you telepathically. I know I can trust you, you're cool.
But you can't tell anyone, it might kill me.
Dr. Tofu: telapathically? (suddenly he stops for a few moments and then
shakes out of it) Kahlee's involved? Oh dear... that's the truth?
Lisa: totally. In China, I ran into this old man on my 16th birthday who
I didn't recognise but who thought they recognised me... I was real
lonely
so I tagged along with him. I learned many strange techniques from this
old
guy's dusty book; he became convinced that I was someone special, that I
was --
<rrrriinnngggg> <rrriiinnggg!>
Dr. Tofu: sorry Lisa, yes, hello? Tomorrow at ten, yes I have a free
appointment then. Bye! (turns round) You were saying Lisa.. Lisa..? (to
himself) She must have left, I'll have to look this up, it sounds so
unbelievable but strangely possible. Where did I put my old master's
books, (accidently glances at a piccy of Kasumi) (to a thin figure) do
you know,
Nabiki? My, you're looking a little thin!
Betty the skeleton: ...
(Outside the clinic...)
Kuno: ah! My long-haired waif!!
Lisa: come off it, Kuno! (punches him into the wall, no through the
wall)
Kuno: (recovers) you are as strong as you are beautiful! Just like my
pig-tailed goddess!
Lisa: whatever. (gets idea) Say, Kuno..?
Kuno: yes, my beauty?
Lisa: (angrily) my name's Lisa!!! (sweetly) I would really like to see
your place, I bet it's real nice. How 'bout I come for lunch today?
Kuno: that would be my pleasure, as sure as the wind still blows and the
waves in the sea still dance, I shall welcome you. What about my
beautiful Akane and the pig-tailed goddess?
Lisa: they won't be able to come today.. er... they are still under
the..
uh.. evil Saotome's wicked spell. (thinks) As if! I've met plenty of
people with paranormal powers but Ranma ain't one of 'em!
Kuno: that monster! I shall see you when the bell strikes twelve! (hugs
her and dances away)
Lisa: uh yeah, sure. (to herself) Brrr... I need a cold shower now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
End of Chapters 1 & 2....
Hope you liked it. It's a bit of an experiment I started a few months
back and it kind of built up over time to about 9 chapters but still
more
than that is needed to finish the story. I've written a couple of
stories
since then which are a bit more serious and one of them is ongoing. C&C
appreciated greatly, more than anything in the world (kind of) on any
aspect. Sorry for some of the characterizations being a little OOC and
OTT in places, it's for
the story. Any help, especially on Nodoka (I've only read the synopses
on
her) and Sasuke (Kuno's servant - I can't get the anime, y'see.) would
be
a great help.
eve.harper@usa.net
eve@cheerful.com