RANMA 1/2:- A LITTLE T.L.C. parts 3 & 4
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-By Harper-
Key:
*xyz* means they're speaking in English. **xyz** is in Chinese. All other
times it's in Japanese.
(actions/description) <sounds> [genma sign] {authors notes}
Ranma-chan is when Ranma is female. P-chan refers to Ryoga when he's a
pig (literally).
{Disclaimer: the make-you-laugh-out-loud Ranma 1/2 characters are not
mine and are copyrighted and owned by Rumiko Takahashi, a very funny and
imaginative lady; Viz Communications; Kitty; Shougakukan Inc. and
possibly other companies who were clever enough to buy into this great
piece of manga and anime.}
{The beautiful Oh My Goddess! comics were created by the talented Kosuke
Fujishima and the manga is distributed by Dark Horse Comics. I own
neither Urd, Keiichi nor the wonderful Belldandy!}
{I'm not too sure about the layout of the Tendo's place, so please
forgive me - or correct me - for any mistakes I make.}
CHAPTER 3: BREAKFAST AT KUNO'S
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Kasumi is in the kitchen, and Ranma, Akane, Lisa and Tom are sitting
round the table. Nabiki seems to be getting ready to go out.)
Akane: Kuno, you're going round to Kuno's house?!!
Lisa: yes, he's going to teach me some kendo.
Nodoka: is this Kuno a gentleman? He certainly has a good family name.
Ranma: not exactly, mom....remember the "wedding"?
Nodoka: (stiffly) I don't really care to.
Tom: (thinks) what do I care, she can do what she likes! She could marry
him and have lots of little Kuno's who make my life a living hell and I
still couldn't care... care about that free-spirited, adventurous,
pretty, unpredictable... what am I saying?!! She's one Uzi short of a
militia!
Ranma: why don't you go, Akane? I'm sure Kuno would love it.
Akane: how about the pig-tailed girl, Ranma? Kuno would surely marry the
girl on the spot if she came! (thinks) Unlike you, you coward, you can't
commit to anyone!
Ranma and Akane: grrrr... (they are looking at each other with the threat
of a fight looming).
Nabiki: it could be a double wedding, Kuno could marry both of them.
Lisa: (feigned innocent curiosity) pigtailed girl? (thinks) About time
they brought that up. Is this pigtailed girl Ranma's fiancee or sister
or...?
(Ranma and Akane suddenly drop their fighting stance with an unreadable
look on their faces. A few moments of silence come about, Nabiki gets
bored and leaves for an "urgent business phonecall".)
Kasumi: Ranma, you looked a little peaky, so here's a surprise treat for
you that was made earlier!
Ranma: thanks. (grabs it and wolfs it down) (thinks) This is a little
hard, actually a lot hard and what's this burning feeling in my gut?
(Akane gives him a relieved look as he wolfs it down.)
Ranma: (looking a little pale and is holding a hand to his chest) what's
the surprise part?
Akane: (cheerfully) I made it!
(Ranma's face falls. He collapses, choking and gasping for air.)
Akane: stop acting! It's not funny!
(Ranma reaches for a glass of water, nearly spilling it over onto
himself.)
Nodoka: I don't think he's kidding.
Akane: (worried) stop choking to death on my food, right now!
(As everyone panics except Tom and Lisa. Lisa walks over to Ranma, goes
behind him, and pulls him up, wrapping her arms around his chest.)
Akane: what do you think you're doing?!!
Nodoka: really, dear. This isn't the time.
(Suddenly Lisa pushes her arms back against his chest and in a gasp, the
offending culinary culprit flies through the air. Letting go, she drops
Ranma to the floor, who accidently falls on Akane who promptly hits him
off.)
Tom: *you were slow, you need to move a lot faster next time.*
Lisa: * I was finishing my breakfast first.*
Akane: what was that?
Lisa: the uh.. *heimlich maneuver*.
(Ranma sits there looking rather sheepish, having just been saved by a
girl.)
Kasumi: look, Akane's food is sinking into the table...
Nabiki: no, it isn't, it's eating its way through the table!
Akane: It is not!
Lisa: (thinks) can't have been Akane's fault! No-one's cooking is as
gross as that. Maybe it's radiation or somethin'.
(A few minutes later...)
Kasumi: how long is Mr Saotome going to stand out there, with my dressing
gown on?
Lisa: I forgot, I paralysed him!
(Everyone goes to look.)
Nodoka: Genma dear, what are you doing in Kasumi's dressing gown?
Nabiki: (suddenly back again) look, icicles have formed round him.There's
my camera! <snap> <snap>
Kasumi: isn't that a nest being made on his head. Oh what a cute bird!
Lisa: here goes... I RELEASE YOU ...why's he not moving?
Ranma: I think he's frozen in place. (grins)
Soun: we'll take him inside to thaw.
Tom: *Nabiki, I'll give you 8000 yen for that translater.*
Nabiki: *Done.* (thinks) only cost me 6000 yen.
Lisa: I'm outy!
Akane: be careful.
Lisa: I can handle it. Kuno may be a jerk but he's cute.
Tom: (sarcastically) *I hope you live happily ever after.* (walks off)
Lisa: *hey Tom, wait! What's buggin' you?*
Ranma: what's his problem?
Nabiki: he's jealous.
Ranma: but they're always fighting!
Kasumi: it is said that a couple like each other as much as they fight.
(Ranma and Akane stare at each other. Soun takes in this news with his
usual caution and calm.)
Soun: to the wedding!!! The gods love me, oh yes they do! (starts
praying, Genma thaws and does the same) I'd better get the wedding
preparations ready! Kasumi, bring out your mother's wedding dress!
(imagines big romantic wedding with flowers and ornaments and plenty of
sake) (considers asking Nabiki to send out wedding invitions but shivers
and immediately reconsiders not to)
Akane:going to daddy! No, not yet! I'm too young! (thinks) I'm only
marry someone who loves me back!
Soun: for the family, Akane, for the family!
Genma: yes, son, yes!
Ranma: no way, pop! (thinks) Not after what happened the last time!
<WHOP!> <KA-POW!>
(Inside the house..)
Lisa: *...you see, I have to go if I want to find out what's going on,
I'm sure I can find what all the wierdness in this house is all about!*
Tom: *you can't stand not knowing something everyone else does! They're
nice enough to let us stay here so we should try to be nice back! *
Lisa: *you're not to follow me like always, OK? I don't need your help.
Just because you regard females as a lower form of life does not mean I
shouldn't have a life!*
Tom: *I did save your life, risking mine I might add, when you were
nearly hit by that lightening strike!*
Lisa: *yes, you keep reminding me!*
Tom: *this is the first time I've mentioned it!*
Lisa: *and you think that I'm totally unable to care of myself! That I'm
some sort of bimbo!*
Tom: *I don't think you're a bimbo! Anyone who can travel around the
world on their own for two years is much smarter than anyone I know.*
Lisa: (smiles) *why thank you, kind sir!*
Tom: *are you sure that you're going to be alright alone with that jerk
Kuno? You need.... any back-up?*
Lisa: *I can totally take care of myself! You promise not to come?!*
(thinks) Nice you thought of me, though...
Tom: *like I care! I should get myself three fianc‚es like Ranma, yeah,
then I wouldn't have to hang around with a delusional, manic, psycho
chick like you!*
Lisa: * why you...!*
<sound of window pane being broken and someone landing in a pond >
Lisa: *don't you ever call me a chick!* (comes out into the back garden)
Say, where did Mr. Saotome and Mr. Tendo go to?
(Nodoka seems to be looking in the sky for something or someone.)
Ranma: they...
Akane: .. had an errand to run, a very important one!
Lisa: whatever... well, later! (walks off)
Akane: Bye!
Ranma: right..... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! Let's go, Akane!
Akane: where?
Ranma: (whispers) I think that Lisa has an ulterior motives --
Akane: -- don't use such big words now --
Ranma: (angry) -- I thought we could go undercover. Look, I think she's
trying to get clues as to who the "pig-tailed girl" is and I don't want
her finding out! Being a foreigner, she might think I'm crazy and some
kinda pervert!
Akane: (sarcastically) where would she get that idea?
Ranma: (miffed) I'm going on my own then!
Akane: hey, wait up!
Kasumi: you two working together, how nice!
Ranma: why would I want an clumsy dweeb like Akane dragging me down!
Akane: who are you to talk, you macho jerk!
(They start to argue into the distance.)
Soun: (back from his "trip") how romantic! (Akane pummels Ranma into the
ground) I could just weep with joy to see how close they are!
Nabiki: great "undercover agents" they'll make!
Soun: how they must love each other! (Starts crying as Akane hits Ranma
sky-high)
Kasumi: there's a shooting star!
(Everyone looks at a distant object flying through the sky at high
speed.)
Nabiki: in the daytime? (looks through binoculars) That's no star, that's
Ranma!
Soun: (brings out the hankies) this is so moving! To see such a public
display of affection..!
Nabiki: "affection"! Dad, don't take Kasumi's words to heart! I'm off to
keep an eye on those two! (Dashes off also)
Genma: (also back, albeit with a few bruises) where did Tom got to?
Nodoka: I think he's gone to look after that nice but rather
short-tempered girl, Lisa.
Soun: if I had to choose someone else to marry Akane, that Tom would be
an almost perfect choice: strong, young, a skilled martial artist...
(gets glint in eye) I have an idea.
Kasumi: oh dear, daddy, not another one....
(Meanwhile at Kuno's house....)
Kuno: younger sister! You shall cook lunch for me and the long-haired
waif since Sasuke is not here!
Kodachi: of course, elder brother! (thinks) Anything to keep you away
from that horrid Akane!
Kuno: (suspicious of his sister's helpfullness) the dishes without
mace...
Kodachi: (face falls) yes, brother.
Kuno: or poison...
Kodachi: (reluctantly) yes, brother...
Kuno: or paralysis potion...
Kodachi: (face falls further) yes... brother...
Kuno: or arsenic...
Kodachi: (hurt) but I don't know any others! Apart from those cookies I
gave Ranma... (sighs)
Kuno: cookies?! I shall permit nothing that that sorceror Saotome has
eaten! Kodachi! Wake up Sasuke!
I do not care if he does have pneumonia and his mother is dying... food
_must_ be provided!
(A few blocks away from Kuno's house.)
Tom: (slowly walking far behind Lisa) *can't let her see me...* (thinks)
got to make sure she's safe alone with that pervert!
(Suddenly something runs into him, he looks down and sees something small
and shrivelled up carrying tons of underwear.)
Tom: ah, it's a ghoul!
Happosai: no silly, that's Cologne. (starts gathering up his "items")
(Tom hears a rumble approaching.)
Happosai: could you hold some of these for me?
Tom: uh sure. (thinks) What's an old guy like that doing with women's
underwear?..oh no..
Girl Mob: DIIIEEE PEERRVERRTSS!!!!
Tom: no, no, it isn't like that! (jumps over their heads as they approach
him, dropping the underwear on their heads to distract them while he
dashes off.)
(Meanwhile at the Kuno residence... Lisa is dressed up and is wearing a
short, slinky black dress and a see-through, silk shirt on top and has
her
hair styled;
quite different from the way she looked when leaving the Tendo's. )
Lisa: (thinks) I have to stay on good terms with this Kuno guy in order
find out what's going on in this wierd district.
Kuno: ah my long-haired waif, you have come! (tries to glomp her)
Lisa: (dodges) don't call me that! (resists the temptation to put Kuno to
an early grave and smiles weakly)
Kuno: oh, your smile is as beautiful as your face! The delicate flower
that hath bloomed into a rose!
Lisa: (thinks) he certainly has a way with words... (out loud) Kuno,
there is something I need to ask you...
Kuno: yes, my English rose?
Lisa: do you --
Kodachi: eeek! Die, you pervert, who dares try and strike the Black Rose!
Voice: hey, wait I can explain!
<KRUSH!>
Tom: (comes unexpectedly into the back garden where Lisa and Kuno
are)*phew, that was close. Who was she? (notices where he is ) Uh oh...*
Kuno: (unhappy that Tom has spoiled his lunch date) die, you lech who
hath the wrath of the gods upon you!
Tom: (cheerfully) (didn't hear what Kuno's said) *hey Lisa!* (thinks)
She's fine. Good.
Kuno: you know this specimen?
Lisa: (flashes a smile innocently) no, never seen him!
Tom: (reels back when he finally notices Lisa's new "look") (thinks)
she's beautiful! Lisa... beautiful! Never thought I'd hear those words in
the same sentence.
<THUNK!>
(Unfortunately this means he also forgets to dodge Kuno's bokken and now
lies half-unconscious on the grass.)
Lisa: (purrs) thanks Kuno! You are so brave! (looks at Kuno sweetly)
(thinks) Hey, I'm better at this than I thought!
Tom: *what is she up to, trying to get me killed?!*
Lisa: I would love a tour of your house.
Kuno: (totally hooked) yes, my waif!
Lisa: don't call -- (bites back her tongue)
(Lisa and Kuno walk off into the house, Tom fumes silently. He nearly
doesn't notice two figures coming up behind him. He jumps round, ready to
fight, only to see Akane and Ranma.)
Tom: what are you two doing here?!
Ranma: we could ask you the same thing. Not jealous are we?
Tom: I could ask you the same thing when someone tries to date Ak --
(looks at Ranma and then looks at Akane) (thinks) From what Lisa's told
me, anyway. She seems to know everything!
Ranma: (defensively) -- what's that supposed to mean?!
(Meanwhile...)
Lisa: Kuno, shall we continue the conversation that was so rudely
interrupted? (thinks) God, I'm talking like him, now.
Kuno: go on, my love.
Lisa: Kuno, do you --
Sasuke: Lunch is served!
(As Kuno lead Lisa down the passageway to the dining room, she notices
pictures of Akane and...Ranma?!)
Lisa: Ranma...?! Kuno, why?
Kuno: my sister -- evil and cunning though she is -- has somehow fallen
under his spell!
(As Kuno and Lisa had lunch quietly, the others were still in the back
garden, trying to make up excuses for being there to each other, a crash
came through the roof.)
<CRASH!> (surprised, huh?)
Voice #1: Urd! This is the wrong house! Keichi's at the next door down!
(two beautiful goddesses descended into the house. Kuno was speechless
for
once) Sorry about
that... Hello Lisa, what are you doing in Japan?! I haven't seen you
around here for ages!
Lisa: what's up Belldandy, hey Urd -- still not first class eh?
Urd: (a look which could kill if Belldandy wasn't there with her) .....
Belldandy: Sir? ...Sir? Is he always so quiet?
Lisa: I totally wish for that!
Belldandy: How does it feel? Knowing your true background.
Lisa: I think it's...an experience.
Belldandy: (looks at Lisa sympathetically) It's quite a big step for
someone who thought they were normal... even if you are the last one of
your kind....
Lisa: I've always prided myself on not being normal! (smirks)
Belldandy: (confused) huh? ...Does anyone know about your background? Any
death threats? I hope not, there is too much warring in this world,
already.
Lisa: only two or so know and thankfully, no death threats... yet. And
still no sign of that 'Kahlee' guy... At least my connections with you
guys means I'm a little safe, though I know I can handle _any_ situation
myself, of course!
Belldandy: if Kahlee shows up, we are here to help...
Urd: (looking at Kuno) he's cute! Can I have him?
Belldandy: (to Urd) now, you know what happened after you took your own
love potion and tried to date every man you could find? Now all of them
in our part of town keep trying to date you!
Urd: (grins) there's nothing wrong with that...
Belldandy: You know how much trouble your actions cause! I won't let you
do that here, turn all the men into two-timers and lovesick maniacs.
Lisa: I wouldn't worry about that with Nerima!
Voice: (outside) Belldandy, where are you?
Belldandy: (recognises the voice, immediately looks happy) we have to go
now, goodbye!
Urd: (to Kuno, seductively) bye-bye gorgeous... Hope we can meet again
soon...
Lisa: see ya'! (they disappear)
Kuno: what beauty they possess! The heavens hath sent angels to look over
me and my godessess. When the sun sets they shall still be in my heart,
when the sea comes to the land I shall think of them, when the stars --
Lisa: -- eat your food, Kuno! (thinks) He can never shut up, not ever! At
least Tom is interesting to talk to some fo the time and a good listener,
some of the time. He's soo fin -- <click> (switches the thought off
immediately)
Nabiki: (sneaking around the house) hmm... Kuno's left all these photo's
of Ranma lying around. (Takes them with intention to sell them back to
Kuno).
Kodachi: (in her kitchen of pain, she is cooking up a new batch of
paralysis gas, cackling evilly) NYAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAH!
OH-HO-OH-HO-OH-HOOOOOOH!
{See?} (Meanwhile....)
Lisa: Kuno...?
Kuno: yes, my waif ?
Lisa: I --
Ranma & Akane & Tom: -- found you!
Tom: now what we do?
Ranma: ...I hadn't thought about that.
Lisa: what are you doing?!!
Kuno: for your insolence, Saotome, I shall kill you! (thinks) Disturbing
my lunch just as the waif was going to declare her love for me!
Lisa: (murderously) *that _so_ goes for you too, Tom...*
Kuno: prepare to meet your doom!
Ranma: (confidently) yeah, right! I accept your challenge!
Akane: Ranma! Not again!
(They all tense into fighting positions, ready to strike.)
<BRUMBLE!>
(They all turn to see who's just "stepped" into the room through a wall.)
Voice: (looking deeply into what to be a map, upside down) hmm... go
north... or is it south... curse you, Ranma... or is it west.... or
east... or up.... curse you, Ranma... or is it... (goes out again through
the opposite wall).
(Everyone looks at the Ryoga-shaped holes in the walls for a few
moments.)
Lisa: wow! That was Ryoga Hibiki, I hung out with him about eight months
ago!
Ranma: you know that moron?
Kuno: Silence! Tatewaki Kuno shall punish you, Ranma, for the grievious
damage you have done to my beautiful abode!
Ranma: hey! I didn't do tha --
(Kuno dives towards Ranma with his sword, Ranma merely grabs the sword
and flicks Kuno away. Lisa seizes this moment, grabs Kuno and hammers Tom
into the ground with him.)
Lisa: I knew he was good for something.
Kuno: (slightly dazed) ahh! My dear waif is so resourceful!
Nabiki: Kuno was always impressed easily.
Akane: (Akane steps out from the doorway) Nabiki?!
Kuno: Akane! I never noticed your beauty, it was overshadowed by
Saotome's wicked spell!
Ranma: (flatly) well done, Akane.
Kuno: silence! Punishment will be served.
Lisa: (thinks) let's make this more even...
(Kuno picks up his sword and lunges for Ranma, he barely misses. Ranma
dodges but Kuno swipes him off his feet and prepares to go down with his
bokken for the deadly blow.)
Akane: you leave him alone, Kuno! (grabs Ranma and drags him away as Kuno
smashes his bokken into the floor, leaving everyone but Lisa amazed)
Ranma: (thinks) what's come over her? (outloud) Where are we going?
Akane: (drags him out into the street) Kuno's got better! I don't know
how!
Ranma: (unhappy at this comment, Ranma releases his pigtail from Akane's
grasp) don't be ridiculous! ...Kuno? I just let my guard down, that's
all. (looks at her) Akane, were you worried?
Akane: (hesitates) about a pervert like you! No way!
Ranma: (hurt) well, what do you expect from an unfeeling tomboy like you!
Akane: jerk! (prepares to punt Ranma into orbit when something happens..)
<PLOOSH!> <click!> <click!>
Akane and Ranma-chan: hey! Nabiki!!
Nabiki: (with camera) just making a little money, sis.
Kuno: (steps outside) ah, my pigtailed goddess!
Lisa: (still in house) I wanna see her! (suddenly a bicycle falls on top
of her)
Shampoo: **hello Tom! I heard that Ranma's here; where?**
Tom: **outside.** (Shampoo rides off)
Lisa: (dazed) uuhhhhh... mmmmm..... where did those flying elephants come
from? ..They're so pretty!
Tom: *hey, you OK?*
Lisa: (stands up suddenly) *my dress! It's totally ruined!! And my hair!*
Tom: *but you've always been such a tomboy! Why do you care, now?*
Lisa: thanks for the sympathy, you insensitive jerkhead!!!
<CLONK!>
(Tom finds himself on Kuno's head.)
Kuno: what are you doing on my head, weakling?
Tom: (faces him and deciphers Kuno's words) I'm no weakling! (spots
Ranma-chan) She's...she's beautiful!
Kuno: you may be Saotome's accomplice but you have excellent taste.
Tom: I'm no-one's accomplice! (stares at Ranma-chan) But she soo cute!
(thinks) Not as cute as Lisa though; but a lot friendlier looking...
Akane: (whispering) looks like you've attracted some admirers!
Ranma-chan: hey! Please don't let me spoil your fun. (sulks) (looks round
for hot water)
Akane: stop pouting, you're acting like a girl!
Ranma-chan: unlike an macho tomboy I know....
Akane: (thinks angrily) can't he even be nice to me, at one point I even
though he l-lo...but no, he obviously doesn't! The jerk! How can I get
back at him..? I have an idea! (out loud) Hey Shampoo, over here!
Shampoo: (runs over and hugs Ranma-chan tightly) darling!
Ranma-chan: (sees the stares) I-It's not what you think!
Ukyo: (comes along the street) Ranchan! Are you ok? (hugs him/her tightly
also before spotting a moving CD collection, nearby) Tssuubbaassaaa...
get away from me! (runs after the retreating CD collection (it's a
compilation y'know))
Ranma-chan: it's not like what you think it's like! (suspicious glares
dart Ranma-chan's way)
Nabiki: after this shot I'm outta here. <snap> (thinks) Where's the
nearest chemist?
Lisa: (comes outside and sees what's going on, she sees Ranma-chan)
(thinks) that pigtail... those clothes... they're familiar... I-it can't
be... I-I'm so not thinking straight! (sees Tom staring at Ranma) So, he
digs her, not me... well, that's just fine. The pathetic excuse for a
male can have her! It'll be real sweet justice if that girl is who I
think she is...
(An old lady is watering her plants nearby.)
<PLOSH!>
(A cat is where once Shampoo was, a very cute cat.)
Shampoo-cat: meow.
Lisa: huh? (thinks) Not Shampoo too! Poor girl! It's turning out this
place ain't so normal...
Ranma-chan: s-s-see it's only a cat, not a girl! A... a... c-c-c-cat!
(starts dashing around madly) EEEEYAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Shampoo-cat: meow? Meow? (chases Ranma around)
Ranma-chan: (runs into Tom, knocking him over, Akane pours cold water
over Ranma-chan to snap her out of it) watcha do that for, Akane? (stands
up) sorry about that Tom!
Tom: do I know you?
Ranma-chan: (thinks) put my foot in it this time!
Tom: what's your name..?
Ranma-chan: uhhhh.....
Akane: -- Ranko!
Tom: you... wanna go see a movie sometime, Miss Ranko? (thinks) Lisa
thinks that I'm a jerk. I'll show her I can be nice an' polite!
(Akane and Ranma shiver at the thought of a "date" while all Lisa can do
is laugh and cry at the same time.)
Lisa: (whispers) can I borrow your hyper-dimensional hammer?
Akane: here you go.
<WHAM! BANG! CRASH!>
(Tom flies first-class into the next few millennia.)
Lisa: WOMANIISSINNG JEERRRK!!!!! PERVERTED BONEHEAD!!
Tom: (in dustbin further down the street) (starts to tap away at his
translater) (thinks) so that's what she meant all those times..? (pause)
She called me that?! In public?!
Lisa: (turns toward Ranma-chan and Akane) hi you, I'm Lisa!
Ranma-chan: (thinks) oh good, she hasn't guessed!
Lisa: friend of Akane's, huh? I don't mean to cause offence but do you
always wear such unfeminine clothes? You're never going to get a husband
dressed like that! Although you do act like a real girl, with all that
pouting an' all. (sees Ranma-chan getting angry and pulls out a kettle)
Anyone for a cup of tea?
Ranma-chan: (quite nervous) (thinks) these British are crazy!
Lisa: Tom really likes you, y'know! You could go out with him, I'm sure
it would cheer you up. It musn't be nice to be such a _plain girl_ (looks
pityingly at Ranma-chan) ....Something wrong, Ranko? (turns round) Oh my,
there's Shampoo!
Akane and Ranma-chan: (look over to where Lisa's pointing) where? Where?
<SPLASH!>
Ranma: yow! That's hot!
Lisa: hey Ranma, how's it going?! (thinks) I was _so_ right! Maybe it's
an empath thing, like Troi in Star Trek. Or maybe I'm just a plain old
genius!!
Ranma: hi, Lis -- aw heck!
Akane: I guess you know.
Lisa: I'm not clueless, y'know?
Akane: I guess we owe you an explanation...
Lisa: no need to. Don't you think I've heard of Jusenkyo?
Akane: how --
Lisa: -- when I met Ryoga, I found out.
Akane: but Ryoga doesn't have a curse?
Ranma: (nervous) what she meant to say was that Ryoga knows a lot of
people with curses --
Lisa: -- and he told me all about them. He's perfectly normal. Ryoga is
totally curse-free, 100%, utterly, totally completely, without a doubt,
unafflicted by Jusenkyo... mmm-hmm!
Ranma: yeah, that's right!
Lisa: yeah...!
Akane: ...?
Lisa: (whispering) thanks Ranma, close one there.
Kuno: my lovelies!
Akane & Ranma-chan & Lisa: rrrrr.....
(All at the same time....)
<WHAM!> <WHAM!> <WHAM!>
{I call that a triple whammy.}
Lisa: that was... satisfying. You should go, now.
Ranma: no way I'm running away from anything! (sees Shampoo-cat)
Waaaaaaah!! Eyaaaaaaaah!!
Akane: I don't think he'll need anymore persuasion. You coming too?
Lisa: I have to tell Tom something. It's not going to be a big blast. You
better look after Ranma, he needs help.
Akane: (smiles) if I help him, I might make him eat my cooking in
repayment. (gets wierd grin on face)
Lisa: (bemused) whatever. See you later, Akane.
Akane: Bye. (runs after Ranma)
Lisa: (over to Tom, who is now waking up) *there's something you should
know about "Ranko".*
Tom: *what?*
(A few moments later in the district of Nerima...)
Voice: *NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!*
Bystander #1: (panics) hey, where'd that come from?
Bystander #2: (flatly) the Nerima Ward.
Bystander #1: (calm) oh, phew, for a minute I thought something bad had
happened!
(15 cold showers later, in the Tendo house.)
Tom: (comes out of the shower and puts on a dressing gown.) *brrrr...
need more showers.* (thinks) First time in my life I take revenge and
that happens!
Lisa: (outside) *take your time in there... not! Get outta of there !
There's only so much water in this world.*
Tom: (steps out and faces her) *haven't I suffered enough?*
Lisa: (angrily)*stop whining!! Look I know that your so-called "manhood"
has been dented but get over it will ya'?!! It's not, like, the biggest
deal in the world for a guy to ask an aquatranssexual out! (Her
expression softens very suddenly) Look, they offered me the study room to
sleep in but you can take it, that way you can avoid Ranma, just for
now.*
Tom: (pleased and surprised) *thanks!*
Lisa: *it's cool and to help you forget the incident, have this.* (gives
him a peck on the cheek and smiles as his face goes red)
Tom: *I-uh-you-well-umm-so.....* {etc.}
Lisa: *I'm totally here to help!* (smiles and turns round and goes to the
living room, leaving Tom dazed).
Tom: (thinks) one minute she's ripping my head off, the next she's....
she's got such a cute smile.. so cute...
CHAPTER 4: FLAVA
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(In the main room...)
Ranma: what's for dinner Kasumi?
Kasumi: something special.
(Strange noises emanate from the kitchen.)
Ranma: what was that? I thought I heard the dead rising from the kitchen,
or something worse.
Kasumi: (thinks) it probably was. (out loud) It's the TV.
Ranma: but we don't have a TV in the kitch --
Kasumi: I have to go check up on it now.
(As Kasumi entered the kitchen Ranma was sure he heard Kasumi tell the
food to "back off".)
Ranma: (suspiciously) where's Akane?
Lisa: I think she's in the kitchen.
Ranma: no!
Genma: son, we need to go on a training trip!
Ranma: you're right! We'd better get going right away!
Soun: I'll go and look after my son-in-law, let us depart! (all of them
disappear)
Lisa: wait! What's up?
Akane: come back, Sushi!
Lisa: (goes through to the kitchen) sushi?... So which world war took
place in this kitchen then?
(The kitchen is unrecognisable, something representing a stove has been
burnt to the ground. There are deep mallet marks in the floor, Kasumi and
Nodoka are sweeping up while talking about household appliances with a
highly evolved soup. Food is splattered everywhere, some of it eating
through things, some just eating, colonies have been set up and the pots
and pans are now charred remains. Akane is running after the sushi in the
garden, which has now managed to grow legs.)
Kasumi: (apologetically) Akane, she cooked dinner. I didn't know about it
until it was too late!
(Tom Nabiki came in, both unsurprised.)
Tom: (getting the hang of the translator) did Akane cook? Ranma told me
all about it.
Nabiki: before or after you hit on him?
Tom: <pink!> we'd better help Akane, the sushi seems to have gotten out
of control.
(Everyone looks outside where Akane is fighting a losing battle with a
ten foot fish nightmare.)
Kasumi: she used the faulty microwave to make three courses, that
abnormally high dose of radiation plus Akane's cooking is not a good
combination. I wish daddy would get the microwave fixed...
Nabiki: but sushi is served cold.
Kasumi: yes... but Akane made it.
Nabiki: that is true.
Lisa: it doesn't even look like sushi. I'm glad I'm vegetarian.
Tom: since when?
Lisa: since...
Akane: keep still, Sushi! I have to serve you up before you get cold!
Lisa: ...now
(Akane's hammers just bounced off the sushi monster. Akane ran in after
she was nearly devoured by her own food. Tom dived outside and fought
with the monster, impressively dodging The Sushi Thing's blows and
getting a few punches and kicks in which The Sushi Thing reeled from,
temporarily. This went on for about an hour after which Tom got knocked
out and The Sushi Thing jumped over the fence.)
Lisa: (running towards him) *Tom! Tom! Are you OK?*
Tom: (sitting up) *beaten by a badly-cooked fish dish, how humiliating!*
Lisa: (sarcastically) *back to normal, I see.* (Japanese) I'm going to
get the police, where's the station?
Akane: (also humiliated) the way the uh... thing went.
Lisa: See you later! (jumps over the fence) (thinks) If I can defeat this
thing with no-one looking, nobody need ever know how I did it! I'll try
the police first, though.
Kasumi: Akane, why did you make sushi, you know what happened last time
you did?
Akane: I apologised didn't I?
Kasumi: yes, but that didn't save our neighbour's pet poodle, did it?
(At the Nerima police station....)
Lisa: (bursting in) help! (covered in sushi) Help! There's a monster
loose in the district! (thinks) No prizes for guessing how stupid that
sounded.
Police guy at desk: (disinterested) uh-huh. (turns round) Hey guys,
another psycho's loose in Nerima.
Policeman #1: that is getting soo old.
Police guy at desk: you wouldn't happen to know a Ranma Saotome?
Lisa: yes way, I'm staying at his place for a couple of weeks, look --
Police guy at desk: (sympathetic) you poor thing!
Lisa: (angrily) look, the monster's coming this way! It's _so_ not far
behind!
Police guy at desk: what is it?
Lisa: it's a uhhhh... giant sushi.. with legs.. but the funny thing is it
doesn't actually look like a sushi!
Police guy at desk: It looks like the only offence here is under-age
drinking.
Lisa: (angry) it's not totally not my fault that Akane's cooking is so --
Police guy at desk: (look of terror growing on face) A-Akane T-Tendo..?
Lisa: uh-huh.
Police guy at desk: waaah! Akane's cooking is out!
Policeman #1: I remember when her chicken ramen nearly killed me! (the
police quickly disperse)
Lisa: Hey! (grumbles) So much for fearless pursuers of justice! (looks
around) Hmm, no prisoners in the jail, funny that...
<RUMBLE RUMBLE> <BOOOO-OOOMMMM!!> <CRRUUMMBLLE!>
Lisa: huh? (turns round to face what is left of the front of the
building.) Oh my god!
The Sushi Thing: (now about 20 feet tall) uhhmmm.... (long pause)
Lisa: (annoyed) you're supposed to roar and shout now.
The Sushi Thing: thanks.. here goes... RRROOOOAAARRRRRRRRRR!!!
RRRROOOAAARRRR!!!
Lisa: (impressed) Word on that!
The Sushi Thing: thanks for the help! I have to kill you now. Sorry.
Lisa: (with glint in eye) alright already! At your own peril you strike
me, you totally poor imitation of a classic Japanese dish! (in a fighting
position as The Sushi Thing (TM) lunges at her)
Voice: STOP! Fight me instead you... (looks up dictionary) ...despicable
excuse for traditional cuisine!
(They stop and look back.)
Lisa: Ranma! What are you doing here?! (angrily) I thought you had a
"training trip"! (thinks) I already insulted it, so not fair!
Ranma: I heard some screaming on the way out of town.
Lisa: that was the police. And I fight quite well on my own! (thinks) An
hour to get out of town? I don't think _so_, he must have stayed... but
why?
Ranma: but --
Lisa: (jump-kicks The Sushi Thing but it merely knocks her away and she
crash lands on a desk) (thinks) I could've defeated it if Ranma hadn't
been here, he's got a big mouth, he'd tell everyone if I did anything
special!
Ranma: HIRYU SHOTEN HA! (a massive ball of ki {or is it chi? Please tell
me}) knocks The Sushi Thing over but then it gets bigger, Ranma's energy
is apparently feeding it.)
Ranma and Lisa: uh-oh.
Lisa: right, me first.
Ranma: I'm the better martial artist, I'll fight it!
Lisa: who's Mr. Ego then? I could beat you anyday, Akane seems to manage
it!
Ranma: you're a tomboy, just like her!
(They start fighting.)
Ranma: (dodging her punches) I won't hit you, I don't hit girls!
Lisa: (dryly) yes, but with three fiancees, you obviously hit on girls.
Ranma: (distacted) what?! No, I --
<WHAMM-OO!>
(Ranma really unconscious.)
Lisa: heh heh. Now it's just you and me, Michael Winner's# nightmare!
{#a notoriously critical restuarant critic for The Sunday Times and other
things}
The Sushi Thing: I'll enjoy fighting you, though you're a bit skinny to
eat..
Lisa: you are so dead...! (she looks like she's about do that 'special'
thing when she spots an onlooker) (she jumps to The Sushi Thing, it's
ready to toss her back when she jumps onto its head, jumps off to it's
back, taking an arm-type thing of the monster and flipping it over,
punching it hard in its centre, her hand going through it but it just
wouldn't die.The Sushi Thing gets up and slams Lisa's body really hard
against a wall, the pavement (fifteen feet under) and a vending machine
(it is destoyed completely) then flings her into a lampost, which is
snapped in two.)
(The Sushi Thing flings Lisa a hundred feet in the air, she falls a
hundred feet back to the ground, her body forming a rather close bond
with the earth. She can barely stand up -- her bones crack and she can
hardly speak.)
Lisa: (slurring) I... get.... you... (thinks) I could've protected myself
but I forgot the special technique! Damn! (She stumbles to the monster
who for some reason has weakened and is still lying on the floor) heh
heh...I...beat you.
(Suddenly, The Sushi Thing jumps up and grabs hold of Lisa's neck, she
releases chi but this just makes the monster stronger, and considering
the strength of Lisa's chi, Superman would pale to the monster now.)
Lisa: (thinks) It's feeding off our strength and confidence! (tries hard
to get free and slowly falls unconscious as her neck cracks)
The Sushi Thing: and now... for the finale! (It throws Lisa up into the
air and prepares to swallow her)
Voice: *Noooo!*
Tom: (comes out of nowhere, jumps up, catches the unconscious Lisa. He
jumps to a rooftop and tries to wake her up)*Lisa!! (pause) Lisa!!
(pause) LISA!!! (pause) LLIIISSAAA!!!!* (angry, Tom lays Lisa down
carefully and jumps to face the monster) (with darkening eyes) *now you
die.* (he hits the monster repeatedly, smashing it with his fists, bricks
and lamposts but the monster just gets bigger and stronger. Tom grabs the
monster and slams it down, causing a mini crater to be formed)
Onlooker: people wonder why property rates so high in this area.
(The monster punches towards Tom, Tom ducks and kicks it off it's feet.
He then turns round and kicks the monster sky high. It comes down, three
feet taller.)
Tom: (thinks) It's feeding off my power! (out loud) Wahaa! I no beat you,
you far too strong! (falls down to the ground and beats it repeatedly,
secretly building up chi)
The Sushi Thing: oohhh dear! Feeling weak!
Tom: (looks over to where Lisa lies unconscious, turns back, even more
depressed) SHISHI HOUKADAN! (An _extremely_ massive ball of chi is
suppressed and thrown at the monster, it envelopes The Sushi Thing, too
much for it to handle and it explodes, creating a sushi-type fireworks
display.)
Ranma: (standing up slightly with a huge bruise on his forehead, slightly
delirious) what beautiful fireworks!
Tom: *my cleverest move and no-one saw it.*
(A few moments later...)
Lisa: (stumbling along, trying not to show that she has broken bones in
several places) *...hey Tom. (disinterested) You defeated it then.*
(wipes the sushi off her clothes)
Tom: *Are you all right? You shouldn't be moving about in your
condition.*
Lisa: (defensively) *I'm OK. <crack> I think that was my neck.* (thinks)
At least a broken neck can't kill me...
Tom: *you should sit down.*
Lisa: *Even if I had needed to sit, which I don't, I can't. Some bones
have been broken in...real unusual areas.*
Tom: *I'll take you and Ranma to the hospital -- he seems to have been
hit really hard by that thing.*
Lisa: (very ashamed look on face) .... (thinks) and I was so holding
back!
Ranma: (thinks) oh, I feel awful! Jeez, she can hit harder than Akane..
or even Ryoga! (outloud) Why did you hit me? I was tryin' to help you!
Tom: *you hit him?*
Lisa: (pulls a bottle out from her jacket) I found this in the police
station, I think it will help you get over it, Ranma.
Ranma: (drinks the whole bottle) wow! This stuff is strong! (a glazed
look comes over his eyes and he collapses)
Tom: *what did you give him?!*
Lisa: *just some concentrated sake.*
Tom: *what?! That could kill him, drinking the whole bottle!*
Lisa: *he's strong and healthy, he'll get over it.*
(Tom and Lisa go over and try to revive Ranma. His eyes open slightly.)
Ranma: (slurred) I love you guys! (hugs them)
Lisa & Tom: Hey! Get off me! (they disentangle themselves)
Lisa: (picks up another couple of bottles lying around and drinks it all.
She's in a lot of pain, even for someone so strong) (glazed look)
(slurring) *This is even stwongehh!* (faints) (thinks) A hospital bed
would be preferable to another night on that sofa!
(Tom catches her before she falls down. Suddenly Akane and Kasumi come
rushing along the street.)
Akane: (sees the mess of what was supposed to be dinner and then sees
Ranma lying on the ground) (worried) Ranma! (rushes up to him)
Kasumi: we tried to call the police in case Lisa (now sleeping in Tom's
arms) didn't make it. We couldn't get through (sees that the Police
Station needs just a little refurbishment) and I can see why now. So you
defeated it then?
Tom: (working overtime with the translator while trying to keep a hold of
Lisa) *uhhhhmmmm....* (long pause) Yes, I did.
Akane: Ranma, are you all right? Please wake up! (thinks) I won't let him
die because of me! No!
(Ranma's eyes open slightly.)
Tom: oh, he fine, he just had too much --
Ranma: (eyes can't see quite right and neither can his brain) I love you.
(hugs Akane)
Akane: (doesn't seem to notice the smell of alcohol on his breath)
(happily) You-you ... do? Oh Ranma, do you mean it... do you really mean
it?! (thinks) Finally he's admitted it, but why am I so happy?
(Ranma has fallen asleep again.)
Tom: -- sake.
Akane: what?
on Tom: (sees Akane's happy face and hesitates) Lisa had too much sake.
(only Kasumi knew what he really meant.)
Kasumi: (whispers to Tom) Ranma's going to have an "interesting" time
when he wakes up.
Tom: maybe I should take him to hospital before he wake up and find out
what happened, he maybe say something he shouldn't. Akane hitting him
over head too many times would not help recovery in time for martial arts
competition. If he try and enter without medical treatment, then injuries
he may gain from Akane will be aggravated and may disable him.
Kasumi: (surprised by his logical state of mind) Can you carry both of
them there? I don't want Ranma hurting Akane's feelings by saying
something stupid.
Tom: Ranma not badly hurt but... if not take him away, he will be.
Kasumi: he looks like he'll being needing a 50 mg dose of amitryptiline,
or a similar hydrochloride. I think.
Tom: (surprised) .....you know that stuff?! You thought of being doctor?
Kasumi: when certain situations have sorted themselves out... I might....
(walks over to Akane and persuades her to come home. Tom puts Lisa one
shoulder and Ranma on the other and jogs away to the hospital)
(At the hospital an hour later.)
Doctor: She's going to be fine, but we'll need to keep an eye on her for
tonight, she'll need a cast to be put on her right leg. It seems to be
healing very quickly though.
Tom: And what with Ranma?
Doctor: At first his wounds seemed superficial but after you talked to
him it was as if he had turned to stone, he might be in that state for a
few hours yet.
Tom: right, I better go phone his family now. Lisa not have any I know
of. (under breath) None she admits to. (thinks) I didn't expect Ranma to
take it that badly, he must have feelings for Akane after all, just like
Lisa said. (he dialed the phone but it kept on ringing) Maybe they're on
their way over. (just about to put the phone down)
Akane: (answering) -- hello Tom!
Tom: hello, just thought you should know --
Akane: -- hey, Shampoo, get offa me! No, I won't give you the phone,
Ukyo! Kodachi, what are you doing here?! (Akane then drops the phone and
fighting sounds can be heard)
Voice: Hiyaah! (runs to the phone) Nihao!
Tom: **Shampoo! Where did Akane go?**
Shampoo: **How is my Ranma? I want to know.**
Tom: **Shampoo!! Please tell me!**
Shampoo: **tied all the violent pervert girls up.**
Tom: **Shampoo! Release Akane and the others immediately!** (thinks) I
can't believe Shampoo could be so childish!
Shampoo: **(childish voice) no want to.**
Tom: **Shampoo!! Why don't you just come and see him?!** (thinks) What I
have I done?!
Shampoo: **I'll do that later! Bye Tom!** (puts the phone down)
Tom: **Shampoo! Don't put the phone do-**
<click> <burrrrrrrrrr>
(Tom tries again.)
Akane: hello!
Tom: hi Akane! Ranma going to be fine. They just.... keep him in for
observation.
Akane: I'll come see him. (thinks) We need to talk...
Tom: (thinks) OK brain, think fast, think fast, it isn't one of your
strong points but... (out loud) Think it wise if you not come, so he then
not be stressed too much, especially in his condition, alright? Might be
bad for his health. (realises that the the pad on the translator has
started to smoke and proceeds to dab at it with a damp cloth.)
Akane: (reluctantly) yeah, fine.
Tom: I'll be home soon, I just have to.... uh... fill out some forms.
Bye-bye! (thinks) What am I going to do about Shampoo?
Akane: goodbye! (puts phone down)
Tom: * better go chack on Lis --*
Voice: Maybe a splash of cold water will wake him up.
Tom: (rushes) No! Not do that!
<SPLASH>
Voice: Gyaaaaahhhhh!!!!!!!
Tom: (sprints round the corner to find a slowly awakening Ranma having a
gender crisis) (at the gathered crowd) I think me should tell you
something...
(At the Tendo house...)
Soun: this ramen's great, Shampoo.
Akane: Dad!! What are you doing?!
Genma: mmmm... this okonomiyake's really nice, Ukyo!
Akane: Uncle Saotome!
Ukyo: (to Genma) if you break the engagement with Akane, I'll give you
free okonomiyake for life!
Genma: it's a dea --
<FLIIISH!>
Akane: (looking at a wet panda) selling your son out for food! How
greedy! I'm glad I'm not related to you!
Shampoo: Shampoo give free lifetime supply of ramen if Shampoo marry
Ranma!
Soun: hmmm (pondering) well, Akane could marry Tom or Ryoga...
(Somewhere in Hokkaido, Ryoga feels blissfully happy.)
Akane: dad! I'm just friends with those two, that's all!
(Somewhere in Hokkaido, Ryoga goes back to his normal mood, even more
so.)
Soun: ...or Nabiki could marry Kuno.
Akane and Nabiki: dad!!
Soun: ...or Kasumi could marry Dr. Tof --
<WHAM!>
Nabiki: that one was on me! (Akane cheers Nabiki, whose new found martial
arts skill is a relief to the three sisters and a bane to Shampoo and
Ukyo.)
Nodoka: my, my, Nabiki, your martial arts ability is improving rapidly!
Shampoo: I leave now. Bye!
Akane: (suspicious) she left in a hurry. I'm going to follow her!
Ukyo: me too! (thinks) If Shampoo thinks I'm going to let her get her
paws on Ran-chan...
Kodachi: darling Ranma! I'm coming! (thinks) Ranma! Ranma! Ranma! Ranma!
(it goes on like this for a long time...)
(At the hospital... Ranma is sitting on a hospital bed, covered in
bruises but back in his male form.)
Tom: I don't think that the nurse had to beat you that many times. At
least it woke you up, eventually.
Ranma: I was hoping it had all been a dream, (grumbles) especially with
this headache, what had happened at the police station. I told Akane I
loved her when I was totally out of it. She's going to kill me!
Tom: I don't think so. Not unless you lie to her.
Ranma: hmm?
Tom: I know you do love her, OK? (thinks) From what Lisa's told me...but
how does she know about all this? Is she psychic or something?
Ranma: n-no I don't! AKANE??!! Not an uncute tomboy with no figure and
zero sex appeal, NO!! NO! NO!
Tom: (mimics Lisa) sure. Fine. Whatever. (thinks) All he had to do was
say 'no, I don't'!
Ranma: (faces Tom) you wanna fight over it?
Tom: (condescendingly) no, course you don't love her.
Ranma: (offended) I --
Akane: (happily but with worry) Ranma? How are you feeling..?
Ranma: (nervously) A-Akane.... um.. What are you doing here? (thinks) Did
she hear the conversation..?
Akane: (starts to come over towards him) Ranma, I...
<TRING!> <TRING!>
Shampoo: (on bike) Nihao darling Ranma! Shampoo worry about you! Bring
you ramen!
Tom & Ranma & Akane: Shampoo!
Shampoo: (happy) ** Tom!**
Tom: (worried) **Shampoo!**
Shampoo: (frowns) violent girl!
Akane: (angry) Shampoo!
Shampoo: (cheery) Ranma! Ramen!
Ranma: (nervous) Shampoo!
Ukyo: Ran-chan, honey!
Ramna: (even more nervous) Ucchan!
Akane: (jealous) Ukyo...
Kodachi: Ranma darling!
Everyone: (scared) Kodachi!!
Kodachi: Ranma. I've come for you, darling....
Shampoo: Shampoo kill black petunia girl!
Kodachi: Black Rose of St. Bacchus School for Girls, I'll have you know!
Shampoo: (shrugs shoulders) no matter, you dead! (runs towards Kodachi)
Tom: (tries to intervene and accidently knocks Shampoo over) **Sorry
Shampoo! Just trying to hel --**
Shampoo: (grabs onto Tom)You I love... also! (thinks) I wonder if tribe
will allow two husbands for me.
Akane: she changes her mind easily.
(Ranma breathes a sigh of relief. Shampoo notices this and lets go of a
bemused Tom.)
Shampoo: (to Ranma) don't worry, lover, Shampoo still love you, you still
marry me! I have two husbands now!.. (looks at angry Akane) (ultra
sugary) ..Unlike violent girl who have none! (smug) (smiles sweetly)
Tom: **what's going on, Shampoo?**
Shampoo: (happily) ** You defeated me! You will marry me!**
Tom: **what?! Look, I don't want to hurt your feelings but I don't want
to marr --**
Shampoo: **it doesn't matter! It is tribal law and by it we are already
married!**
Tom: **tribal law! No, not again...**
Shampoo: **but stupid Ranma finds this hard to accept and nobly <sigh> is
sticking faithfully to his own country's laws ...or because stupid tomboy
pervert, Akane, make him.**
Akane: hey! I can speak some Chinese too!
Shampoo: (glint in eye) I know...
Ranma: (feeling left out) what's going on?
Shampoo: don't worry, husband!
Ukyo: he'll never be yours! He's my fianc‚!
Akane: he was my fiancee‚ first!
Ukyo: I was engaged to him before you two even met!
Akane: that doesn't count!
Ranma: (to Tom) this used to be fun to watch but now it's annoying!
Akane: (looks at him angrily and then says sweetly) don't worry Ranma!
Now you've finally been able to say who you really love, they won't be a
problem --
Ukyo & Shampoo & Kodachi: what?! Who do you love?
Ranma: (starts to sweat and backs himself into a metaphorical corner)
this isn't happening... This isn't happening... This isn't --
Ukyo: I knew you always loved me, Ran-chan!
Shampoo: Ranma no love spatula girl! He love me!
Kodachi: you're all wrong! (scatters black roses everywhere) Ranma will
be with me! (the paralysis takes effect and everyone collapses as Kodachi
grabs a helpless Ranma, makes him swallow some wierd capsule and runs
off) (distantly) We shall be together forever, now, Ranma darling!
(cackles maniacally)
(A few moments later, Akane suddenly gains strength and stands up and
starts to run after Kodachi.)
Akane: I won't let you take him! He's mine! I care for him more than you
ever will! (realises what she's just said but doesn't care) (to herself)
I'll save Ranma, that's all that matters...
Tom: (gets up, just after her) *I'll help Akane, that Kodachi seems a
little off-kilter!* (runs off in that direction, soon followed by Ukyo
and Shampoo)
Lisa: (from round the corner) I think I'll leave this one to them..it
would look so wierd if my broken leg healed up in, like, a few hours...
Jeesh, this is terrible! Why can't things be simpler?!
(At the Kuno's house, Kodachi runs through the main room clutching a now
unconscious Ranma under her arm. Kuno is standing, reciting Shakespeare.
He barely blinks.)
Kodachi: nyahahahaaa!!! (is running towards her room)
Kuno: (disinterested) You haven't kidnapped Ranma again, dear sister?
Kodachi: this time, he shall be mine forever and eternityyy!!!
Kuno: yes, of course. Supper is served in an hour. Please don't make too
much noise, I'm trying to recite. (goes back to his Romeo and Juliet
book)
(20 minutes later in Kodachi's room....)
Kodachi: ever since you professed your love to me, I've decided to stop
taking things slowly. (Kodachi is standing in a western style wedding
dress but it's black, completely black. Ranma has been knocked
unconscious and is in a smart suit, totally black also) We needn't even
leave my room (covered in black rose petals), a kind gentleman from Las
Vegas is going to marry us. (She turns to look at the tied up Elvis
impersonater who accidently told Kodachi he could wed legally.)
Fake Elvis: (singing) *unh-huh-huh!*
<sound of window, door and roof, being broken simultaneously>
Ukyo: (at window) Kodachi, what are you doing to Ranma!
Shampoo: (at roof) Shampoo get Kodachi!
Akane: (at door, holding her hammer) This is what I'll do to you,
Kodachi... (holds up a black rose and crushes it) owww! It had thorns!!
(All the girls tried to disassociate Kodachi's DNA but she escaped their
reach, managing to fight all of them. During this time the Elvis
impersonater escaped.)
Fake Elvis: *unh-huh-huh!*
(Kodachi snagged Ukyo's spatulas, kicked away Shampoo's bonbori and
dodged Akane's hammer, which landed on Ranma.)
Ranma: owwww! That hurt, Akane!
Akane: he hasn't even opened his eyes yet, how does he know?
Shampoo: he know violent pervert girl when he see one.
Akane: why you...! (dives for Shampoo)
Ranma: (sees what he's wearing and looks at Kodachi) ....yaaahhh!! Please
tell me I'm not married to her?!
Ukyo: (dashes to Ranma's side as he sits up on the bed) Ran-chan, it's
OK, I got here in time! Now, was there anything you wanted to tell me..?
(looks deep into his eyes)
Ranma: (confused) no, Ucchan. What's going on? (rubs the back of his
head) Sore... what happened? What am I doing in Kodachi's room?
Kuno: (steps into room) I would ask that same question, evil enemy of all
women, devilish sorcerer of the black night, capturer of the divine!!!...
(calms down) If I didn't already know the answer.
Ukyo: you don't remember, Ran-Chan? The hospital? The Sushi Thing?
Kodachi kidnapping you? (pause) Poor honey! (moves closer to Ranma)
(Kuno merely gazes at Akane. The other girls begin to get jealous of
Ukyo.)
Akane: It won't work, Ukyo. It's not you he loves, it's me!
Everyone: !!!
Ranma: (shocked, embarrassed, confused, nervous {take your pick}) what?
When? I must have been out for a long time!! I don't remember saying
that!
Ukyo: (backs away) no, it can't be! Akane, you're lying!!
Shampoo: pervert girl!
Akane: you mean you don't love me?
Ranma: err... I didn't say that!
Akane: you mean you do!
Ranma: I didn't say that either!
Akane: tell them, Ranma! Tell them the truth! You told me you loved me
just after you and Tom had defeated that sushi!
Ranma: I did?! I think I was really drunk, that's the last thing I
recall.
<SMACK!>
Akane: (upset, not realising he's actually telling the truth) Ranma, you
jerk! (she runs out the back, twisting her ankle but refusing to say
anything.)
Ranma: Akane, wait!
Kodachi: nooo! (pounds Ranma to keep him from leaving. Ukyo and Shampoo
then pound Kodachi, for pounding Ranma, and then they all pound Kuno,
just because he's Kuno.)
Ranma: (wakes up, and then realises where he is and makes his escape
through the back door, and spies Akane sitting down on a chair, trying to
stifle tears) Akane? What's the matter?
Akane: (under her breath) Ranma you jerk! Ranma you jerk!
Ranma: (not to anyone in particular) what have I done now? I don't even
know what I'm doing here! Boy, it got dark quick, I was so sure that
there was still some light left when we fought that sushi monster...?
Akane: (cuts in) you mean, you don't remember anything?
Ranma: no, nothing after Lisa knocked me out and I drunk some sake.
Akane: nothing at all? (thinks) Lisa manage to knock him out, good on
her! W-wait, I didn't mean that brain, it's just a reflex thought!
Ranma: why are you acting so wierd? Did something interesting happen?
Akane: (sadly) no, nothing... (thinks wistfully) I wonder if anything
ever will?
Ranma: did I say something to hurt you? If I did, I'm sorry.
Akane: (surprised) you are? (she steps towards the street when her ankle
gives way) owww!
Ranma: (worried) Akane, are you alright?
Akane: (reluctantly) I can manage... (steps on ankle again) Ouch!
Ranma: (concerned) need some help? Does it hurt? Can I carry you?
Akane: I don't need your h -- yes, that would be nice, just someone to
lean on would be... fine (thinks) maybe something will happen, someday..
Ranma: good. (smiles) (Akane leans against his shoulder and slowly they
walk home, leaving meteor showers of flying spatulas, ribbons and deadly
bonbori's -- with cries of 'pyscho', 'slut' and 'cross-dresser' -- behind
them)
Akane: (to herself) I'm feeling better now. Tonight, I'll try not to hit
Ranma for at least an hour.
(Twenty-five minutes beforehand ...near the Kunos' house.)
Tom: (running) *At this rate I'll be there before anyone else.* (round
the corner, he spots a familiar sight, too late)
Girl Mob: hey! There's that pervert who helped Happosai!
Tom: (backed into a literal corner) It isn't like that!
Girl Mob Leader: enemy to all women! Get 'im girls!
Tom: no, wait! No!
<WHOM!> <BANG!> <THAMP!> <WHOP!>
(Tom unconscious for rest of night.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
End of Chapters 3 & 4...
C & C wanted on any aspect. Still got 5 chapters to go. Thanks for
reading this far! *^_^*
eve.harper@usa.net
eve@cheerful.com