J. Austin Wilde and Bridget Ellen Engman <wildeman@flash.net>

Ranma Monogatari

Part 5

Ah, another story from the Wilde one and this time he's got a co-writer.

(Or an editor or other whip holder, it's hard to tell ;-)



So, on with the review of Ranma Monosodiumglu-- er Monogatari.



First a trip through my mimescan program.



Conversion to 7-bit ASC-II complete.

Koremitsu was

fussing far too much over the fall of Ranma's sleeve; his fluttering

movements only added to Ranma's own jitters.

Show not tell.  Ranma can express himself most vividly when the situation

requires.  Think about how this would be shown as Anime.  This wouldn't

get "voiced over", instead the "camera" would zoom into the scene,

Koremitsu would be doing something, Ranma would react and then say

something.

He was still uncomfortable in his new role, and despite

his success so far, there was always the chance he would be unmasked as

an impostor, with who knew what dire consequences.

Too thoughtful for our boy Ranma.  He'll just charge in, sure that he can

wing whatever it is.  And then he'll learn better and quickly forget the

lesson.

Within moments of his groggy rising,

Koremitsu had appeared, babbling like the moron Ranma suspected he was

about the big day, the day at court, oh what a thrill....!

What a soggy mess.  The commas don't really split the sentence at

separable points.  Where are your subordinate clauses man?



Best to draw this out and give different actors different sentences, or

better yet paragraphs, to work in.

"Yeah, whatever.  Like I'd have any constructive criticism to

offer."

Ranma the lurker?

If looks could kill, he'd be a pile of ashes under a black

lacquer hat.

Now there's a good turn to a cliche, pity you didn't mention the hat

before now.

He was

surrounded by dolls.  He fought down the urge to flee.

Too late now.

It was the face of Tatewaki Kuno.

With all the poetry references there could be little doubt, no?

A bare instant later, a folded fan wielded by Go-Saiho whacked him

upside the head.

At least it didn't toss him high into the air.



You have enough room on the line to present romanized Japanese forms of

the poems too...

"He said you were swaying?"

Ah, comeon, work in "Kane no chikara ni nabiku" before I use it as the

title of a spamfic.

Koremitsu indicated a

gentlemen clad in crimson, who gazed upon Kirishi with adoration.  His

lacquer hat seemed to be steaming.

Let me guess, the emperor Go-Tofu is always calm and rational, except when

she's around and she never leaves his side.



Lord Ranma met To no Chujo in boy's school, yes?

"But if you read it to me

now, I'll... uh... critique it, or something."

Whining is the best way to get some comment.

"Sure, pal.  What are friends for?"

Urk.

To no Chujo had left shortly after their conversation, pleading a

headache and reminding Ranma yet again to contact his sister.

But not tonight?

But even so there was a rawness to his waiting like an open wound

quivering beneath a salt shaker,

Salting the FFML, that's my job...



Apparently Ranma hasn't touched cold water before this point in the story.



Damn those ancient Japanese were smelly slobs!



	Henry J. Cobb	hcobb@slip.net          http://www.io.com/~hcobb