The scene is inside Cog's main control room, which looks like the bridge
of the Starship Enterprise-D, except that the three chairs in the 
centre have been replaced with a comfy sofa, occupied by a burly Irishman
with sharp teeth, a disembodied translucent head, and a cute Japanese
girl who says:  Hi!  I'm Hitomi Mizu!

Cogito Ergo Sum and Joe Boggs both scream, Cog's holo-icon bulging 
Mask-like, while Boggs attempts to hide under the sofa.  

Boggs:  Make it stop!  For the love of God, make it stop!

Mizu:  Hello and welcome back.  We're here with another review,
this time of "In Mind and Body" by Florencio B. dela Merced, 
selected, as always by Cogito Ergo Sum through rigorously logical 
criteria.  And tell us, Cog, just what were those rigorously logical
criteria?

Cog:  It was the only message in the last hundred which didn't deal
with either Tybalt or Hitomi Ichinohei.

Mizu and Joe Boggs both scream and try to hide under the sofa.

Mizu:  Make it stop!  For the love of Kami-sama, make it stop!

In Mind and Body
------------------------

by Florencio B. de la Merced, Jr. (fmerced@pworld.net.ph)


Ranma amd Ryoga accidentally fell into a pond tainted with a spell created
by Happousai.  The spell was intended for Cologne and Ranko, but in the end,
Ranma and Ryoga each ended up in each other's body.  Ranma is in Ryoga's
body while Ryoga is in Ranma's body.

-Mizu:  Oh there's a great idea.  Combine Cologne's skill with Ranma's
natural speed and stamina.  Happosai's obviously a masochist.  
-Boggs:  He spends his days fondling panties and provoking crowds of
women to kick him and stomp on him.  What else would you call him?
-Cog:  Short.  Miniscule.  Possessed of a height complex.
-Mizu:  Alright, already!

Ranma: Hey, I can't be absent from school for a week. Miss. Hinako will kill
me.

-Boggs:  What?  He never heard of sick days?  

Ryoga: What do I know about school?

-Mizu:  He only dropped out last year, so I assume he knows
that school is a really hard place to find.  

[in another corner of the room]

Shampoo: [frowning] Shampoo is getting a big headache.

Ukyou: [hands a bowl of ice] Here, this will relieve you.

Shampoo: Thanks. How did this happen. [looks at Ranma and Ryoga]

-Boggs:  What, did you forget how to speak bad Japanese, luv?
-Mizu:  Usually she'd say "How this happen?" and "Shampoo getting
big headache
-Cog:  This is after the continuity.  Her linguistic skill may
have improved.
-Boggs:  But it's just no fun unless the sex-kitten talks like
an idiot!  (Bonbori appears out thin air and smashes Boggs skull)

Ukyou: Cologne said it's because of a spell Happousai put on the pond
outside.

-Mizu:  Thank you Ms. Exposition.  You know, you don't need to put
the explanation in the forward if you're going to include it in the
text.  

Shampoo: Spell?

Ukyou: You better ask your great-grandmother that.

Shampoo: [stares at Ranma and Ryoga] Good thing airen will only be in ugly
body for a week.

-Mizu:  Funny, I'd 've thought she was into fangs.  

Ukyou: Hey! Ryoga is not ugly!

-Boggs:  Ryoga doesn't appear to be disagreeing here...

Shampoo: [applies more ice on her head] Whatever.

Ukyou: Hmp!

[Back to Ranma and Ryoga]

Ranma: Be thankful that this is not permanent.

Ryoga: Easy for you to say.

[Just then Akane entered the room carrying a tray of food]

Akane: Kasumi made these for you two.

Shampoo: Shei Shei.

-Boggs:  Huhn, Huhn?

-Mizu (as Shampoo in a trenchcoat):  Shei, shweetheart, whats a nice
boy like you doing in a body like that?  

Ryoga: Thanks, Akane. [grabs a lot]

Akane: [giggle] Reminds me so much of someone.

Ryoga: [blinks] Huh?

Ranma: [sneers] Very funny.

Akane: [was about to leave] Hey, has anyone seen P-chan?

[Ryoga almost choked, Ranma almost fainted, and Ukyou could hardly contain
her laughter]

Akane: [glares] Jeez, you don't have to make fun of my pet. [closes the door
forcefully]

Ryoga: [recovering] Hey, Ranma. I'll make you a deal.

Ranma: Huh? [sees the evil grin on Ryoga's face] Oh, no! No way!

[A splash of cold water drenches Ranma]

Ukyou: [giggles] Time to go to bed, P-chan. [grabs Ranma's transformed form]

-Boggs:  Howcum Ukyou's helping Ryoga maintain his P-Chan identity?

-Cog:  They are personally involved in this story.

-Boggs:  And she wants her boyfriend to continue to sleep with another
girl?

-Mizu:  Sure, if she can get a cruel practical joke out of it.  

Ranma: <Damn it! Damn it! I'll get you both for this.>

Shampoo: [blinks] <Airen is a pig? Oh, no!>

Ukyou: [walks out the room] Oh, Akane. [whispers to Ranma] Stop whining.

Ranma: Bweeee!

Akane: P-chan! [grabs and hugs P-chan] Thanks Ukyou. [walks up to her room]

Ukyou: [smiles then walks back inside] I guess Ranma never saw that coming.
[notices Shampoo is gone] Where did she go?

Ryoga: I don't know. She left in a fit, I think.

Ukyou: Well. [sits beside Ryoga] What now? [smiles]

Ryoga: [freezes a bit] Eh, Ukyou...I...[blood oozes out of his nose] Yikes.
[rushes out of the room]

-Boggs:  If he's that paralytic around her, how'd he ask her
out in the first place?  

Ukyou: [frowns] Oh, well. [leaves the room]

[In Akane's room]

Ranma: <I'm not hentai! I'm not hentai> [his eyes are shut]

-Boggs:  Pathetic.  What kind of 16-year old boy is he?  

-Mizu:  It's funny and in character, and after all, he has
been well trained.  

Akane: What's the matter, P-chan? This is not the first time you saw me get
dressed.

Ranma: <What! That bastard has seen Akane get dressed! Why that no good...>

-Boggs:  Well duuuh!  What did Ranma think Ryoga was doing?  

-Mizu:  What makes you think he thought?

Akane: [picks up her pet] Off to bed now.

Ranma: [is pressed on Akane's chest] <I swear! I'll kill him. Even if he is
still in my body! Ryoga you...> [gets a kiss on the snout]

Akane: Goodnight.

Ranma: [sighs]<Goodnight>

[In the morning]

Akane: Well, I'm off to school Kasumi. [grabs her lunch]

Kasumi: Isn't Ranma going to school too?

Akane: I don't think he's in...shape to go to school right now. [giggles]

Nabiki: Let's go Akane.

Ryoga: <I don't know why I'm doing this>...[walks behind Akane and Nabiki]

Akane: Ranma?

Ryoga: No, Ryoga.

Nabiki: What do you think you're doing?

Ryoga: I'm going to take Ranma's place. [frowns]

Akane: What? [runs towards Ranma's room] Ranma!

Ryoga: What did I say?

[Akane forces her way inside Ranma's room but only found a sleeping Panda
inside]

Akane: [comes back] Where is that BAKA?

Nabiki: Come on Akane. It's no use arguing with your fiancée right now.
[rushes out the door, Akane and Ryoga follows suit]

[Coming out of the bath]

Ranma: [back in his human form] I hate being a pig! Ryoga is definitely
going to pay!

Kasumi: Oh, hello Ryoga.

Ranma: Ranma.

Kasumi: Oh, that's right. Aren't you going to school?

Ranma: School? Yikes! [runs off] Got to go Kasumi.

Kasumi: Don't forget you're lunch, Ranma.

Ranma: [runs back and grabs his lunch] Thanks.

[On the way to Furinkan High]

Akane: <That no good fool. Forcing poor Ryoga to take his place.>

-Boggs:  What's she so mad about?

-Mizu:  Ranma did or said something.  Therefore Akane is mad.  

Ryoga: [balancing up the fence] Eh, why do I have to do this anyway?

-Mizu:  Oh come on!  You're wasting a great excuse for a gratuitous
transformation, and I don't think Ryoga's been a girl once, yet!
How's he going to get groped by Kuno?

Nabiki: Ranma always walks up the fence whenever we go to school.

Ranma: Hey! Wait up!

Akane: Ranma? [turns around] What are you doing here?

Ranma: [sees Ryoga up on the fence] Hey, thanks Ryoga. I knew I could count
on you. [avoids Akane's mallet] Hey!

Akane: How could you force Ryoga to take your place in school?

Ranma: Well duh? He has my body kawaiikune...Oww! [a mallet hits him]

Nabiki: Stop it you two. People are staring.

Akane: So what?

Nabiki: If it didn't occur to you, Ranma is Ryoga now.

Akane: Hmp!

-Mizu (as Akane):  And your point is?

Ranma: [jumps on the fence] Tomboy!

Ryoga: So, Ranma. How was last night? Sleep well?

Ranma: Damn you! I'll get you...next week!

Ryoga: What for?

Ranma: Like you don't know.

Ryoga: [runs faster] Eh, I guess being a pig has its privileges.

Ranma: [runs after Ryoga] I change my mind. I'll kill you now!

-Cog:  "changed"  Unless it's Shampoo

Ryoga: [jumping up to avoid Ranma's punches] Hey! I'm still in you're body!

Ranma: I don't care...No one sleeps with Akane, but me!

Ryoga: [blinks and comes to a stop] You...slept with Akane? [gets kicked
further ahead] Oww!

-Mizu:  Well, duuuh!  

Ranma: No, but I guess you don't know that.

Akane: [arrives at the scene] What was that all about?

Nabiki: Sounded like they wanted to sleep with you. [grins]

Ranma: Che! [walks ahead]

Akane: Sleep with me?'

[Near the gates of Furinkan High]

Kuno: <Today be the day, that I, Tatewaki Kuno, finally rescue my fair Akane
from that...no good Ranma Saotome.> [swings his bokken around]

-Mizu:  Today be the day...

-Boggs:  Ah pity da fool...

-Cog:  Kuno's verbose archaicism isn't really coming through here.

[From the sky, Ryoga lands directly on Kuno]

-Mizu:  That's a nice pratfall


Ryoga: <Hmm...Something broke my fall> [rises up] Kuno?

Kuno: [struggles up] Ranma! How dare you insult me! Surprising me from
above, eh! [place his bokken forward] But no matter...I Tatewaki Kuno, Blue
Thunder of Furinkan high will defeat you in mortal combat.

Cog:  That's better.

Ryoga: Mortal combat? What the hell are you talking about!

Kuno: [raises his weapon] For the love of Akane Tendo. I will
now...[receives a flying kick causing him to fall back quite a bit] Aarrgh!

Ranma: Morning Kuno!

Mizu (as Kuno)

Ryoga: You always get this treatment?

Ranma: Every morning. Kuno never learns.

Akane: [runs past Ranma and grabs Ryoga] Got to run. Talk to you later
Ranma!

Nabiki: [pats Ranma on the cheek] Yeah, I've got plans for you too.
[giggles]

Ranma: Huh? [stares at Akane as she enters the building] Oh, Akane. [enters
the campus]

Kuno: [lying on the bushes a few yards away] I'll get you...Ranma...[losses
consciousness]

-Mizu:  You know, Ryoga isn't nearly so good at avoiding shots as 
Ranma, and is now in a far less durable body.  Kuno just might do it.

[Inside the classroom]

Akane: What are you doing here Ranma?

Ranma: I'm keeping check on him. [points to Ryoga]

Akane: But, you're not Miss Hinako's student. She'll notice you right away.

Ranma: Don't worry about me. I can take care of her.

Akane: You're such a show-off. [returns to her sit but constantly looks back
at Ranma whose sitting at the back of the room]

Hinako: Morning class. Bring out you're reading assignments ii gave you last
week.

[The bell rang and the students starts to leave the room]

Hinako: Don't forget the test tomorrow! [sees Ranma] Will you please come
over here?

Ranma: Me?

Hinako: Yes, I see you're new here. Are you a new student?

Ranma: Eh,...Why yes. I'm Hibiki Ryoga. I'm a new student, but only for a
while.

Akane: [staring at her teacher and her fiancée from a distance] Can take
care of her, he said! BAKA!

-Boggs:  Howcum Akane's mad?

-Mizu:  Ranma said or did something.

Ryoga: Eh, Akane.

Akane: What is it?

Ryoga: About that test tomorrow.

Akane: [smiles] Don't worry about that. Ranma...well, let's just say he
doesn't do too well on exams.

Ranma: I do not!

-Cog:  Shouldn't that be, "I do too"?

-Mizu:  Yeah, but Ranma's a moron.  Might be funnier, though, if
Ranma couldn't decide whether to say "I do too!" or "I do not!"

Akane: Ranma? What...what did she say?

Ranma: Congratulations Ryoga, you're a new student of Furinkan High.

Ryoga: What?

Ranma: For only a week, of course. [The trio leaves the room] Now, about
that test, we better study for it.

Akane: Are you all right Ranma?

Ranma: Will you stop insulting me! I'm not a jerk, I'm not a pervert, I'm
not a braggart, and I'm definitely not, absolutely not...[notices the
attention he attracted from the students in the hall] Nevermind!

Ryoga: Jeez, what's eating him?

Mizu:  What, you mean apart from Akane picking on him all morning?

Akane: [smiles] Probably his ego. [runs after Ranma] Hey, Ra...Ryoga wait
up.

Ryoga: [blinks] Huh? Akane. Hey, wait for me.

-Cog:  Might be better with exclamation points!

-Boggs:  Why did you yell that?

-Cog:  For demonstration purposes


End of Chapter 3
------------------------

C-C appreciated
Spam rerouted to Spam ML
If you're looking for Hitomi, she's not here.

Cog, Boggs and Mizu all scream and try to hide under the sofa. 

-Cog:  Make it stop!  For the love of the Unmoved Mover, make it stop!

Thanks to...

Jeff Shelton - hooky ?
Robert Morrison - "The Eternal Lost Lurker"
SuprCat - here's another one
Asri Jaffar - sawdust comes from wood, Tendo dojo made of wood.
Demonsword - I'm stretching it.
David Johnston - an articulate two foot tall monkey : )

Mizu:  Had to be done.  It was the only way to keep him from spamming.  
If he's good, I turn him back.  

and
Rumiko Takahashi - of course

Boggs:  And this brings to an end another meeting of Spammers Anonymous.

Cog:  And remember, One and One's associates suggest the best way to control 
the urge to spam, is to stick anything One has to say at the end of a 
fiction or C&C.

Mizu:  Not only does it reduce the amount of spam you commit, but it
also encourages you to write something slightly worthwhile.

Boggs:  Or, you could just post it to the Spam ML, or directly to the
person you want to respond to in the first place.  

Cog (in a thundering voice-over):

And Now For A Public Service Announcement

To subscribe, post a message to fanfic-request@fanfic.com
---(NOT fanfic@fanfic.com)---
with subscribe in the subject line!

To unsubscribe, post a message to fanfic-request@fanfic.com
---(NOT fanfic@fanfic.com)---
with unsubscribe in the subject line!

A two foot tall monkey with a cute little beard comes out from behind
a console, bearing a large sign which reads:  HITOMI!
All three commentators scream and run from the room, Cog's icon just
flying through the back wall.