Trial, Error, and Judgment

By Christian Clark <TekkaPlus@aol.com>

Skuld had

still remained the ever-so-vigil guardian for Belldandy to keep his hentai

hands off her,

A bit long winded here.  Why not show the action, even if it's stuff we've

seen dozens of times, just to set the scene?

and so they couldn't keep any eye out

for her.

Oh, just any eye they'd pick up at a five and dime?  Maybe Skuld painted

an iris on Rover?  (That'll keep an eye on her! Boing! Boing! Boing!)

Keichi always looked over his shoulder every five minutes to

make sure that he wasn't being followed.

Week and improbable.  Best to show, not tell this.

That bastard was the only thing he could

think about him at the moment,

Quotes or something here, no?

Soon reason crawled into the mental dispute, saying that

You're intentionally mixing the metaphors, aren't you?  Cute, but it

doesn't seem much like K1.

He took a deep breath and continued to eat

his sandwich.

Talk about inhaling one's food.

He was a sophomore now, and it was already past the 1st semester.

So they're on Xmass break or what?

Until he felt a cold hand reach out and grab his shoulder. With a grip only

a demon could possess.

He was eating until he was grabbed or what?

so he leaped forward and made a made dash

to his motorcycle.

He was dragging her along?

with a laughing Mara fling

Oh my goddess!  What will Bell say when she finds he's been having flings

with Mara?

so Keichi became the lucky

candidate and fired another while sounding like an

What exactly is K1 firing here?

she thought to herself as she warped to

another part of town where it looked like she wasn't the one at fault.

And who appeared to be at fault there at the other part of town?

Please, bring anyone else he knows here quick.

He knows a LOT of people.  The important thing is his next of kin.

Things kinda got out of hand at school and I'll be staying there for a

while, hope to see you soon.

If he's tied up at school how did the note get home?

They both changed to clothes where no one

would look at them,

Confusing.  Are the garments inconspicuous or the place of changing?

Skuld was locked in a stare of

uncertainty.

You're using Markov chains, right?

Worry crept into her voice as she asked Megumi and within

seconds told Belldadny everything,

Belldandy isn't talking on the phone.  There is somebody else talking on

the phone to Megumi and relaying the info to Belldandy, no?

and a glaive appeared out of nowhere.

Belldandy is Sailor Saga Saturn!  Be afraid!



>From the smoke stood



What exactly is the ACTION here?  Is Belldandy standing still while the

smoke clears around her or she charging out of smoke filled area?

So, doing the

only thing Mara could do,

This sentence would be slightly better if you used "she" here.

because the goddess had thrust the blade into the demon's heart

Oops! Treaty violation here.  Ragnarok at eleven.

He didn't know what to think.

Is this the same person who just spoke?

Since my daughter chose your family,

Yesss!  Somebody else agrees with the Daddy argument!



Now, why was Skuld alone in the heavens?  ("Oneesama!  I don't like the

way he looks at me!")

And Megumi has her own plus' as well,

Certainly came a long way since the old testament days.

For the

first time since they came to this world, they had clue as what to do.

Ah, goddesses with clue.  Quite a change.

"Oniichan no Baka! Why didn't you tell me about Bell, Urd, and Skuld?"

Actually after a while one gets the impression that Megumi knows about it.

all of Belldandy's talents with keeping house was lost

At least she still knows Japanese!

Here's where it's done so far

Noble Scarlet leans against the bars of her birdcage to read what Oni-cobb

is writing. "Koku-na!"



"Shut up tinkerbell or I'll sic my cat on you."



Noble Scarlet backs up against the far side of her cage and shivers.



"It's a relief to give up the human side of my heritage.  It makes me such

a much more effective editor.  Which reminds me, I need to work on that

plot to capture Skuld, but first I have to mailorder a few things."

Oni-cobb pages through a fetishwear catalogue.  "Yes a chain-mail bikini

would be nice."  He looks up into the cage.  "Are you ready to tell me

Skuld's secret measurements yet?"



The miniature angel shakes her head no.



"Here Kitty Kitty Kitty!"



	Henry J. Cobb	hcobb@slip.net          http://www.io.com/~hcobb