_Ranma 1/2_ characters (C)opyright by Rumiko Takahashi.
_Sam & Max_ (C)opyright by Steve Purcell
Ukyou & Kodachi, Freelance Martial Artists,
in:
Cleaning Up Nerima.
---------------------
(Based on the Heian Period scroll
_Ukyou & Kodachi Go for a Walk_)
Morning in the dingy apartment that serves as the base for
Tokyo's most feared defenders of Law and Order, Ukyou & Kodachi,
Freelance Martial Artists. Kodachi is disinterestedly holding a
fishing rod, the line hanging in the goldfish glass that is
labelled "Rufus". Ukyou is equally bored, throwing her fighting
spatulas into a dart board, then retrieving them for another
round over and over again.
Suddenly the phone rings. Kodachi, who is sitting right beside it
on the chest of drawers, swivels about and reaches for it
immediately.
Kodachi: [yells] I got it!
With lightning reflexes and pinpoint precision Ukyou throws a
spatula and nails the sleeve of Kodachi's nearly skin tight
leotard to the wall. Before Kodachi can free herself, Ukyou
cannonballs into her, knocking the breath out of her. She
snatches the receiver.
Ukyou: Yes? Yes. Yes. Yes? Yes! Yes.
Kodachi: [pulling at the spatula] I love it when you play
"Yes-man", Ukyou.
Ukyou: [into receiver] Yes. Holy jumping junebug! We're on our
way.
Ukyou replaces the telephone handle on its cradle. Kodachi has
freed herself from the wall in the meantime.
Kodachi: Was that the commissioner?
Ukyou: Either that or a telephone salesman with a really large
stock of criminal activities to go. There seems to be a crime
wave overrunning the Nerima district.
Kodachi: Oh goody, let's go out and participate.
Ukyou whacks her over the head amicably.
Ukyou: We're on the side of Law and Order.
Kodachi: Oh. Okay. Let's go.
She throws the fishing rod out of the window.
Kodachi: Rufus wasn't biting today anyway. I think he's on to
me.
They exit the apartment. As they walk down the hall, the next
apartment door opens and a young man with a pigtail looks out.
Ukyou: Why, look. It's our weird but friendly neighbour Saotome.
Kodachi: Hello, weird but friendly neighbour Saotome.
Ranma: [annoyed] Look, you two, do you always have to bang
against the walls like that? There's hardly a day were we don't
have a picture fall and break. And the ol' tomboy always gives
*me* trouble about it.
Voice: Tomboy?!
<SPLASH>
Suddenly Ranma is female. Behind her stands Akane with a bucket.
Akane: Who's a tomboy now?
She boots Ranma clear across the hall and out of a window where
she goes sailing towards the horizon. Akane slams the door, and
Ukyou & Kodachi resume their way down the hall and descend the
stairway.
Kodachi: The Saotomes are a truly strange, twisted and violent
couple. I respect that.
Standing in the doorway of their house, arms akimbo, the two
intrepid martial artists survey the streets around them. A
picture of desolation and destruction lays before them. There are
large holes torn into the facades of almost all nearby houses, car
wrecks are parked by the streetside and most of the lampposts
along the street are either bent in the middle or torn clean off.
Ukyou: Well, nothing conspicuous here.
Kodachi: Nope, looks just like we left it yesterday evening.
They walk down the street, looking left and right for evildoers.
Ukyou: Well, the commissioner seemed worried, so we'd better seek
out the root of his consternation.
Kodachi: And then I can blow it up in a never before seen
spectacle of destruction and pyrotechnic carelessness!
Ukyou: [grandly] You may... if you're good.
They pass a vaguely Ukyou-shaped hole in the wall. Kodachi jumps
up and down excitedly.
Kodachi: Oh, I'll be good! I'll be good!
Next to the pair a man crosses the street, ignoring the signal of
the pedestrian crossing. Ukyou casually flings a lump of her
special Okonomiyaki batter at his face. The man falls to his
knees, clawing at the gooey substance, while Ukyou & Kodachi walk
away unconcernedly.
Man: Aaaagh! My eyes! It's sucking at my eyeballs!
As they pass what seems to be an outline of Kodachi, made of razor
sharp throwing spatulas sticking in the wall, Ukyou stops and
turns her head as if to identify a noise.
Ukyou: Wait. Something's not right. I smell... evil.
Kodachi: You should try changing in the Girls' lockers sometime.
I'm sure someone could lend you a deodorant.
Ukyou: Ha. You crack me up, Kodachi. I meant I was picking up
the unhealthy harmonics of bad karma being created. Something
evil is happening even as we speak.
Kodachi: Cool.
Ukyou follows her feeling of uneasiness down a sidestreet.
Ukyou: Come, let's find the center of this evil, it is bound to
be the cause of the commissioner's call for help.
Kodachi: Cool.
Ukyou: And then we can destroy it utterly.
Kodachi: Cool.
They round a corner, turning onto a larger street.
Ukyou: Don't you have anything to declare besides "Cool"?
Kodachi: When in the course of human events it becomes
necessary-
Ukyou: [interrupts] I think I prefer "Cool".
Finally they stop before a large building.
Ukyou: Ah, this seems to be the headquarters of the Church of
Kasumi.
Kodachi: You mean those nuts who believe that a sweet young
homemaker from Nerima is really the incarnation of some Norse
Goddess of the Present?
Ukyou: Exactly. You know them?
Kodachi is busily uprooting a large sign that is planted in the
lawn before the house.
Kodachi: I think I bit one of their door-to-door pamphlet pushers
once.
Ukyou: Kodachi, I'm shocked. You would really sink your teeth in
the warm and succulent flesh of a peaceful missionary of love,
understanding and good cooking?
Kodachi: Tastes just like chicken.
She is hanging upside down from a tree, trying to read the sign
she just turned over.
Kodachi: Look, it says that their headquarters here is an exact
replica of a typical Scandinavian building from 200 AD where their
goddess would be worshipped.
They look at the building. Despite the sign's proclamation it is
not a long, low-slung, wooden hut with a thatched roof, but a
towering, large, gothic mansion, a cross between a medieval
European cathedral and something you'd expect to see in Gotham
City. But it's painted in warm, friendly colors.
Ukyou: Their reference material for that time period must be a
little faulty.
Kodachi: [hisses at a squirrel] Perhaps the Vikings ate it.
Ukyou: Let's go in and have a look.
Kodachi jumps out of the tree and they approach the building. The
huge doors are not locked, nor is there some kind of watch.
Looking around the huge entrance hall, Ukyou quickly locates a side
corridor that leads into the living quarters of the building.
Ukyou: We'll sneak into their changing room and appropriate
disguises.
Kodachi: Great! Then we can peek at unclothed women!
Ukyou: Baka! You don't even like women. You're one yourself.
Kodachi: Oh, yeah, right. I forgot.
The door of small locker room opens and the heads of the two
martial artists poke in, looking around.
Ukyou: All seems to be clear. Let's sneak in.
Kodachi: [tiptoes in after Ukyou] Sneak, sneak, sneak.
They force open two lockers and pull out some robes as they are
worn by the novices of the Church of Kasumi.
Kodachi: Hey, Ukyou! Hey! Hey, Ukyou!
Ukyou: What is it Ernie, I mean Kodachi? [turns to her]
Kodachi: Look, I'm an elephant!
Somehow she has attached one pantyhose leg to her nose and is
wearing someone's bra on her head to simulate large ears.
Ukyou: I don't think they have many elephants in this community.
Perhaps you'd better disguise yourself as something less likely to
cause comment.
Kodachi: OK, I'll be a dangerously insane martial artist inna
religious costume, then.
Ukyou: That's better.
As soon as Kodachi adjusts her costume, our two heroes step out
and continue their search through the vast building. They wander
through many halls, full of weirdly objects of worship.
Kodachi: [pushing a valuable Buddha figure of its pedestal]
Ukyou? Sometimes I get these weird urges to do really strange
things, just as if an evil entity was taking over my brain,
forcing me to act as its puppet. I feel like I am going crazy.
Ukyou: Kodachi, you *are* crazy.
Kodachi: [brightens up] Oh good, that's okay, then.
They walk through an arched doorway into a large, open space. In
an immense, cathedral-like room, there is an expansive kitchen,
where currently someone is working on a rather foul-reeking meal.
Kodachi: Oh, look! It's our violent but married neighbour
Saotome. Let's say hello.
Ukyou: No, let's not shed our disguises yet.
Kodachi: OK, can I blow something up instead?
Beyond the kitchen range, there is a large, clear space with an
altar, where currently a handful of C-Kas worship their goddess,
who is sweeping, humming to herself.
Kasumi: Could you move a little, please? I need to sweep that
bit of floor.
Disciples: She spoke to us! Blessed are we! Hail the goddess
Kasumi!
Kasumi: [laughs] My, you are so funny.
While Ukyou systematically searches the room, Kodachi sidles up to
Akane, who is messing up an area of the kitchen pretty thoroughly.
Kodachi: Hello, violent but married non-neighbour Saotome. I am
a normal worshipper of Kasumi, who is not a martial artist in
disguise, infiltrating this building.
Akane: [distractedly] That's nice. Hmmm, 'add two eggs', it
says. I wonder if you're allowed to break the shells. No, better
be careful and put them in gently. Ranma always says I cook too
violently.
Kodachi: When do you add the strychnine?
Akane: [frowns] Strychnine? [insecurely] I don't know. I'd
better add it right away, so it's not missing later. [to Kasumi]
Uh, Oneechan, where do you keep the strychnine?
Kasumi: [smiles, points] In the cupboard, right between the
cleavers and the hydrochloric acid.
Akane takes it.
Kasumi: What do you need it for?
Akane: Oh, I just thought it would add a little spice to this.
The recipe is so bland.
Kasumi frowns just the slightest little bit.
Kasumi: Akane, you have to be careful when adding strychnine to
your food. It can cause rather strong reactions.
While Akane is distracted by Kasumi's lecture, Kodachi takes the
strychnine shaker and unscrews the top. She puts it back, just
before Akane turns back.
Akane: Okay, Oneechan, I won't add too much.
She picks up the shaker, gives it a healthy shake, causing the lid
and all the strychnine to fall into the pot.
Akane: Ooops. Oh well, I'll have to add some more spices to
cover the taste.
In that moment the pot belches up a sooty-black cloud with an evil
green light shining from within, right into Akane's face, costing
her both eyebrows. She coughs a bit.
Akane: I guess I have to turn down the heat a bit.
She fumbles with the controls, causing a small gas explosion and
finally ending up turning the the heat to full power. A steady
column of oily, black smoke comes from the pot, forming a cloud in
the rafters of the room. Occasionally dead bats or little sizzling
droplets rain down.
Ukyou: [popping up besides Kodachi] This is it. I have
determined that the content of this pot is the source of evil in
this vicinity.
The fumes are starting to eat the chrome from the kitchen
implements and fixtures. Akane doesn't notice anything. Her
sense of smell is probably gone since the first eruption. She is
busily adding more and more clashing spices to the mixture.
Kodachi: Why don't you create a diversion, while I grab the pot;
then we make our way over there...
She points to a panorama window into the courtyard of the
building, where a large tethered balloon sways in the wind. It is
in the shape of Kasumi, smiling in at them.
Kodachi: ...and make away with the balloon. We can dump the pot
into a handy toxic waste dump, or someone's swimming pool.
Ukyou: That sounds like a dangerously insane plan, guaranteed to
lead to lots of property damage and mindless terror among the
citizens of this peaceful city. Let's do it.
Kodachi: Or we could throw it into the sea, killing all sea life
for miles around, so that fishers only have to pick the fish from
the surface.
Ukyou: We'll have to see if the wind is blowing right. Let's go.
She separates from Kodachi, points towards a street window and
shouts loudly.
Ukyou: Look! It's the Pope on a Harley!
Everybody's heads turn to look out. Kodachi grabs the pot and
makes a mad dash across the wide, wide room towards the window.
Meanwhile Ukyou proceeds to turn up the gas on all the stoves of
the kitchen. When Kodachi has almost reached the window into the
courtyard, she speaks up again.
Ukyou: Ah, no, it wasn't him. My mistake. Musta been the
helmet.
As the others turn back, she throws a match and runs, igniting the
gas clouds just when Kodachi jumps high, crashing through the
glass, feet-first. Ukyou, propelled by the force of the
explosion, follows close behind, vaulting through the hole on her
big-ass spatula.
[Kids: Don't do this at home - Ukyou & Kodachi are trained
professionals. Also they're mentally deranged]
The balloon in the courtyard is fashioned after the torso of
Kasumi and in its hands it holds a large plate, that is designed
to hold a payload of sweets or similar things. A banner is
affixed to it, reading: "Kasumi loves you, too. Have a cookie."
Kodachi puts the smoking pot onto the plate, while Ukyou begins
hacking away at the restraining tethers with her spatula.
Ukyou: Oh, o/~ I am a lumber jack and I'm okay... o/~
Kodachi: Your singing stinks, Ukyou.
Ukyou: So does your breath.
Kodachi: No, that's the dead rat I've been keeping in my pocket
since I found it, last week. I think it's going a bit ripe.
The C-ka's security troops are arriving. They have frilly aprons
and *huge* meat choppers.
Trooper1: Really, stealing balloons is not a nice thing to do.
Kodachi: Great! Just what I needed.
She jumps into the basket, lashes out with her ribbon and snatches
one of the cleavers, using it to cut the last tethers of the
balloon. Slowly it begins to lift off.
Ukyou: Hey, Kodachi, where do you keep that ribbon in your
leotard?
Kodachi: Harumph! And where do you keep your female parts under
that boys' school uniform?
Ukyou: None of your damn business!
The balloon slowly rises upwards, out of the yard. Kodachi is
standing on the rim of the basket, hanging precariously from the
ropes of the balloon. She is blowing raspberries at the scurrying
cultists below and wildly bouncing up and down.
Kodachi: I think I'll laugh insanely.
Ukyou: Please do.
She does, and small stucco works and gargoyles fall off the
building, as her voice reverberates in the courtyard. Kasumi is
waving them goodbye from the broken window, smiling.
Soon the balloon drifts up and away from the Church of Kasumi's
building. As they float above the streets of Nerima, Kodachi is
throwing off the heavy ballast sandsacks left and right wantonly.
Kodachi: Haha! *Death from above*! Ooohohohooohohohohoo!
Ukyou leans over the rim and calls down to the victims of the
sandsacks.
Ukyou: Sorry, people. She's nuts.
Kodachi: [proudly] Yeah. Oh, look, down there! I see a crime
in progress. Where is our terrible payload?
She scoops out a little of the toxic meal with a spoon, leans over
the rim of the gondola and drops it. The smoking dollop of
poisonous death drops out of the sky, finally landing on the head
of a mugger, just about to pounce on his victim. It begins eating
through his hair, then attacks the skin of his head, sending him
screaming in agony.
Kodachi: Gotcha!
Ukyou: Kodachi, I think I can make out the familiar shape of the
Nerima Toxic Waste Dump And Children's Playground below us.
Kodachi: Great! We can land here and play.
Ukyou: I thought we might leave of our portable source of evil,
corruption and destruction there.
Kodachi: No way! You're not getting rid of me that easily.
Ukyou: How do you land a balloon anyway? I know you throw off
the sandsacks to rise, but what do you throw off to sink?
Kodachi: Perhaps we should have tied ropes to those bags so we
could haul them back in, now.
Suddenly a loud shout sounds up from below.
Voice: Ranma no BAKAAA!
A familiar pigtailed figure rises up to our heroes' vehicle with
near-supersonic speed. As it passes them, it impacts with the
balloon, leaving two neatly Ranma-shaped holes in it; one between
Kasumi's eyes and one at the back of her head.
<FUMPH!>
Ranma: KAWAIKuneeeee.....
Kodachi: That was our weird but helpful neighbour Saotome, wasn't
it?
Ukyou: Yes it was. We seem to be sinking, thanks to him. Remind
me to mention him favourably in our report to the Commissioner.
The leaky balloon rapidly loses height and plummets towards the
Nerima Toxic Waste Dump And Children's Playground, where groups of
innocent children happily build castles in the thin layer of sand
that covers hundreds of metric tons of toxic waste. The gondola
hits the ground and is dragged along by the still buoyant balloon,
scouring a deep gouge into the sand, making the buried toxins
fountain up behind them and splatter over everything. Finally,
when the ropes of the gondola catch in the chainlink fence around
the area, ripping it out, the balloon sags completely to the
ground and our heroes disembark.
Ukyou: That was probably the worst landing in the history of
ballooning to this day.
Kodachi: And on our first attempt, too!
An overseer comes running from the management building of the dump
and begins ripping out his hair in horror, when he sees the
pandemonium taking place. The waste is leaking out, running into
the street and down into the sewers; screaming and rapidly
mutating children are running everywhere; birds are dropping from
the sky and what looks like a giant dinosauroid monster is
fighting out its way from under the waste. Kodachi grabs the
melting pot of fuming foodstuff and walks up to him.
Kodachi: Here, my good man; I entrust this to you. Don't spend
it all in one place.
She thrusts the pot into his unresisting hands and turns away.
The man looks at the scene around him with tears in his eyes,
scrawls a little note on the wall besides him, then upends the
pot, ingesting all of Akane's meal at once.
Kodachi: Mission accomplished, Ukyou. And I called him "My good
man", too. Tee hee hee.
Ukyou: Don't you sometimes get a warm feeling inside when you
know you've done the right thing?
Kodachi: Yeah, but I've found that Alka-Seltzer helps.
Ukyou gathers Kodachi with an arm around her shoulder.
Ukyou: Come, Kodachi, let's get you back to your padded playpen.
While they are making their way down the road, she looks back one
last time at the C-Kas who have arrived to try and salvage what
is left of the balloon, as well as the catastophe squad of the
fire brigade, frantically attempting to stem the flood of waste
that leaks from the dump.
Ukyou: What an unlikely bunch of people.
Kodachi: Yeah, I didn't like them either.
Ukyou: You crack me up, little pal.
Kodachi: I'm taller than you, Ukyou.
Ukyou: Only physically.
Kodachi: Oh. Okay.
The End.
Author's Notes:
This was actually someone else's idea (Terrence Marks? Gary
Kleppe? Who?), but I don't have my mail archives here, so I cant
check. Sorry. Anyway, thanks for the inspiration and for giving
me the go-ahead to write this.
Sebastian