Ok, here goes, the second installment of our little self-
insertion fanfic. C&C welcomed. Flames will be met with
retalliation. Send it all to MIDP@Rocketmail.com
In case you don�t know the symbols used in this story, here
they are:
� � -sarcasm
< > --thought
[ ] -action, setting, other occurrences
{ } -Panda sign
Oh, and by the way, we have decided to name Untitled Self-
insertion Fic. It is now called JPR�.
And now, on with the show!
Recap of previous events: John and Paul enter Nerima,
after traveling through China. They get separated after Paul
laughs at John for getting mauled by a Chihuahua, whom
was later found to be the Amazon woman who has been
chasing the pair since John knocked her into a spring in
Jusenkyo. John gets into a fight at Uc-chan�s, then mugs
Ryoga for his umbrella before finding his way back to the
Tendo Dojo, where Paul landed after being booted into
orbit during the Chihuahua incident. Now, at about
9:00am, John and Paul are sitting at the living room table,
along with the Tendos and Saotomes.
Mr. Saotome: [to Paul] So...you and your friend have been
traveling.
Paul: Yes. It all started when...
And now...
JPR� Part 2
By: John Harding and Paul Schumacher
Paul (voice-over): ...It all started when John and I went
camping in South Dakota with a bunch of our friends. We
had a blast, as we always do, and then it was time to go
home.
John (v.o.): Paul and I piled into my truck, and headed on
our way. Since the others had the map, and knew how to
get home, we were following them.
[we see a car headed down a rural highway, with a truck
following close behind. Paul and John are in the truck.]
John: Man, that was great. We really should do that more
often.
Paul: Yeah, but South Dakota?! The round trip takes
longer than the camping part!
John: Well, next time we won�t go so far, that�s all.
[The car ahead takes an exit, and the truck follows. They
end up at an intersection on some road. The car turns left.]
Paul: Hey, that�s in the wrong direction! It�ll take forever!
Let�s go straight.]
John: But how do you know which way is shorter?
Paul: My sense of direction tells me that home is straight
ahead!
John: Ok, straight it is.
John (v.o.): Of course, he was WRONG, and we were
going in exactly the opposite direction of home.
Paul (v.o.): Well sorry, master navigator, but you didn�t
object did you?
John (v.o.): ...so anyway, we went in the wrong direction
for quite some time, and didn�t notice it. We didn�t even
notice when we reached the Pacific coast...the wrong end
of the United States!
[We see the truck roll to a stop as they reach a beach]
John: Dammit! We�re out of gas...how much money do
you have?
Paul: 3 dollars and 41 cents.
John: Great. Just great! I got 5 even.
Paul: I told you to bring enough gas money!
John: I DID! We just spent it on the 3 tanks of gas it took
to get here!
Paul: Well this must be lake Michigan, so let�s go and see if
we can hitch a ride on a boat and when we get home we can
get your truck towed.
John: Ok
Paul (v.o.): ...so we looked around and found a cargo ship
that was being piloted by an old Chinese guy who, between
him and his first mate, spoke about 20 words of English.
[We see Paul and John walking up to an old Chinese Guy]
Paul: Ok John, just let me do all the talking.
John (v.o.): This, of course, was an even bigger mistake
than not following the guys with the map home.
Paul (v.o.): Hey shut-up man, do you want to tell this story!
So like I was saying, I started talking to this old Chinese
guy.
[Pan to scene]
Old Chinese Guy: So, you want go on boat.
Paul: Yes we�d like to go across the lake.
[A second Chinese guy walks up and the two start talking in
Chinese]
Old Chinese Guy: Yes yes, we take you to other side. You
got money, yes?
Paul: Yes, this much money.
[The old Chinese guy takes the money without even
counting it.]
Old Chinese Guy: Ok, you get on boat now.
John: [to Paul] A ride across Lake Michigan for 8 bucks?
Not a bad deal, if I say so myself.
Paul: Hey, like I said, let me do the talking.
[The two board the ship, and are escorted into a cargo
hold.]
John: Some living accommodations, huh?
Paul: Well what do you expect for 8 bucks?
John: [shrugs] I guess you�re right. This will be over
soon, after all.
John (v.o.): We had yet to find out just exactly what the
Captain and his crew had in store for us.
Paul (v.o.): Ugh...I don�t even want to think about it!
John (v.o.): Ok, now we were in the cargo hold of the sh--
Paul (v.o.): HEY! Who�s telling this story?
[Snap back to reality]
Nabiki: Hey, could you guys please stop arguing?! Geez,
you�re starting to sound like Ranma and Akane!
Akane: HEY!
Ranma: Could we just get on with the story? Please?
Soun: So you were in the cargo hold of the ship.
Paul: Ahh...yes.
[Return to flashback]
Paul (v.o.): So we were in this cargo hold and it was pretty
dark. We only had a single light bulb in the whole place and
John and I talked, slept, and had absolutely no idea as to
how much time was passing, We still don�t know how long
we were down there.
John (v.o.): After we were down there for quite some time,
the captain opened the door...
Paul (v.o.): It was then that our grievous misfortune began.
John (v.o.): You see, we were alone on a ship with a bunch
of guys who hadn�t had the company of a woman in
long time.
Paul (v.o.): And they tried...well...eh...stuff.
[snap back to reality again]
Nabiki: Oh really? How interesting...
John: [curling into a ball and convulsing] Argh...that was
really nasty!
Nabiki: Do tell...
John: Hey! We�re not...that way! ...it was REALLY sick.
Paul: Yeah...I mean, naturally we refused
[back to flashback]
[We see Paul and John getting thrown overboard]
John & Paul: AAAHHHHH!!!!!! *SPLASH*
John: COME BACK HERE YOU [The list of swears,
insults, and other expletives is not only inappropriate, but
would take up the next ten pages. Please forgive this
omission.]
[By the time John�s little �speech� ends, the ship is well into
the horizon]
Paul: I don�t think they can hear you any more John.
John: [looks and sounds like he�s on the verge of tears] So
now what do we do, man?! What the f--- man?! [John
goes into another fit of cursing.]
Paul: John! JOHN!!! [slaps John in the back of the head]
CUT IT OUT!!!
John: [frowns] Let me do all the talking, he says. 8 bucks
to get across the lake, he says. Y�know, Paul, I don�t think
this is Lake Michigan!
Paul: How do you figure?
John: BECAUSE THIS IS F---ING SALT WATER, YOU
IDIOT!
Paul: Oh...
[snap back to reality]
Paul: It was quite some time before we got anything
accomplished. Partially because my poetic companion
could do nothing but swear for about a half hour about what
a bad day we were having.
John: Now who�s fault was that �bad day� anyway?
Paul: Well...grrr...[Paul grumbles something under his
breath that no one catches]
John: What was that Paul? I�m right aren�t I? You and
your stupid-ass shortcut! [John begins to swear about
nothing in particular.]
*BONK* [Akane mallets John on the head. His eyes bug
out and he is suddenly quiet.]
Akane: Watch your language, baka!
Paul: [Slightly stunned and trying desperately not to laugh]
Thanks Akane, you know I�ve been wanting to do that to
him for a long time.
Akane: [still annoyed] Just get on with the story!
[back to flashback]
Paul (v.o.): Well anyway, when John got done with his
tantrum, we were trying to figure out which way back to
shore. I noticed some birds flying overhead and decided
they might know where the shore was.
Paul: Hey! Look at that!
John: Birds. Gee, how nice.
Paul: Let�s follow them. They probably know where the
shore is!
John: I guess we can�t just stay out here forever.
Paul (v.o.):...and so we swam in the direction that the birds
were going.
John (v.o.): And for once, Paul had a good idea! After two
days and nights at sea, we finally made it to shore.
[John and Paul crawl slowly onto shore, exhausted.]
Paul: *cough* *gasp* We *pant* made it...uhg...[Paul
collapses into the sand and doesn�t move.]
John: You know, Paul, this has been a real shitty
day...uhhhhh...[passes out]
[Back to reality]
John: And that�s how we ended up in China.
Ranma: That sounds a lot like how me and pop got to
China...we swam.
John: Why would you swim to China?!
Ranma: Why did you swim to China?
John: We got cast off the side of a ship!!!
Ranma: Err...well...pop was too cheap to buy plane
tickets. That�s all.
Paul: Why didn�t you take a boat?
John: They probably figured what happened to us would
happen to them.
Paul: I doubt it. What happened to us was pretty rare.
Ranma: No, just the cheapness thing again. *CLUNK*
Genma: Show your father some respect, boy!
Ranma: Why?! Why should I show you any respect?!
Nabiki: There they go again.
[Ranma and Genma start fighting, and the brawl is soon
taken outside, where we hear a resounding *splash*
followed by another. A few seconds later, a red-haired girl
and a giant panda enter the house, dripping wet.]
John & Paul: SHIT!
Akane: [mallets them both] WATCH YOUR
LANGUAGE!!!
John: What the hell is going on here?!
Paul: (wide-eyed)bl-bl-bl-bl-bl
Ranma-chan: [sighs] It�s a long story...
[Since everyone that is reading this story has heard the
following at least a thousand times before, the authors have
chosen to omit it from this story. Let�s just say Ranma and
Genma explain the curse thing to Paul and John, and be
done with it.]
Paul: Wait a minute. What did you say the name of that
training ground?
Ranma: Jusenkyo.
Paul: John, isn�t that where...
John: (wide-eyed and suddenly sweating) Uh...err...
Paul: Uh-oh.
Akane: What!? What happened!? Don�t tell me the two of
you went there too.
Paul: Actually we did.
[everyone big-sweats]
Akane: And now you�re cursed?
John: No...worse.
[Suddenly, the wall explodes, and in the middle of the
carnage is the Amazon woman.]
John: HIT THE DECK!!!
Paul: [Srambling to his feet] AHHH!!! MOVE IT
JOHN!!!
[John scrambles to his feet]
John: Uh...h-hey! Meng Lie! H-how nice to see you
again...hehehe.
Meng Lie: John! I find you! Now I kill!
Akane: (exasperated) Oh no...not again.
Ranma-chan: Ugh...
[Meng Lie (yes, I finally named her) gets out her club, and
takes a mighty swing at John and hits home. John goes
flying back, crashing into the stairwell and destroying it. He
gets up, picks up a large piece of wood, and attacks. Meng
Lie easily ducks it and throws John into the pond.]
John: AHHHH *SPLASH* [gets up once again]
[Paul then jumps her from behind. Paul has drawn his
fighting sticks and takes several swings at her. Meng Lie
masterfully blocks them and takes a thrust that impacts
solidly with Paul�s shoulder. Paul stumbles back.]
John: SHIT! [He prepares to attack again, then notices a
bucket on the side of the pond. He gets a contemplative
look on his face] I�m coming Paul!!!
[John grabs the bucket, and dunks it in the pond, filling it
with water.]
[Paul launches another series of attacks, which Meng Lie
dodges. Paul is now off balance, and Meng Lie takes
another swing with the club. Paul leaps out of the way as
the club blasts through the floor.]
[Meng Lie is now off balance, and John walks up with the
bucket of water.]
John: Heh heh. [grins evilly]
[John throws the contents of the bucket onto Meng Lie,
who turns into a very surprised, and very irritated little
Chihuahua]
John: [looking at the Chihuahua] YES! Wonderful things
these �curses�. Heh heh.
Paul: [wiping sweat from his brow] whew, great timing
John.
Ranma-chan: So she�s cursed too?
Paul: Yep, and fortunatly, this time it�s all John�s fault.
John: What do you mean �fortunately?!
Paul: Well since the rest of our little journey was all on my
head, I can push the blame for this one over to you.
John: Uh, yeah...whatever. You�re just glad she�s after me
and not you.
Paul: Heh Heh...yup, that too.
Chihuahua: GRRROOOWWWWLLLL!!!
Paul: Uh-oh, we forgot about our little fluffy friend.
[The Chihuahua lunges at John, and the familiar cloud
appears, along with yelps and the occasional �OUCH!� from
John.]
Ranma-chan: John is getting beat up by a...hehe...ch-ch-
chihuahua...hehe...[Ranma continues to stifle her laughter.]
Paul: HAR HAR HAR!!!
[John�s arm reaches out of the cloud and pulls Paul in. We
now hear Paul yelling in pain, as well as the yipes and
shouts. John then gingerly steps out of the fight, and
watches Paul and the Chihuahua beat each other up.]
Paul: Ah...!$@%...I�m gonna get...ouch...I�M GOING
TO K--...AAHHHH!!!
[The Chihuahua still hasn�t figured out that John is no
longer part of the ravaging cloud of smoke]
Akane: That was an interesting move, John.
Paul: Wh-h-h-hy me-e-e-e?!
[After a lot of ows, ouches, and bites, Paul finally nabs the
little beast.]
Paul: [Cut up and bleeding] Now...I finally...got
you...you...little...[Paul passes out. The Chihuahua glares
at John.]
John: Oh no you don�t. [He grabs the dog by the nape of
the neck.]
[Time passes. The group once again assembles at the
table.]
Ranma: (now male again) So what�s the story here?
John: Well, she kind of fell into a spring...and, like you
said, cold water turns her into a Chihuahua.
Akane: And hot water turns her into...[She pours a kettle
of hot water on the Chihuahua.]
Ranma: AKANE WAIT!!!
[It�s too late. The hot water covers the dog, and in its place
is a very attractive, very naked young woman.]
Paul: Uh...ummm...[he averts his eyes]
[John is staring]
[Meng Lie notices her nudity, and attempts to cover
herself.]
[John is still staring.]
Akane: [notices John] What are you looking at, you
PERVERT?! [She mallets John, then kicks him into orbit]
Kasumi: Here you go, dear. [She hands Meng Lie a towel,
and clothing. Meng Lie retreats to the bathroom to
change.]
John: (flying through the air) Man, this sucks! �Least I got
a good look. Heh heh...AHHHHHHHHHH!!!
[John continues to fly, and finally lands...through the
roof...of Uc-chan�s.]
John: AHHHHHH *CRASH* AHHHH *CRASH*
OOF!!!
Ukyo: What the hell is going--[she notices John on...err,
in...the floor] YOU AGAIN?!
John: Ughhh...what did I do to deserve this?!
Ukyo: YOU STUPID IDIOT!!! LOOK WHAT YOU DID
TO MY RESTAURANT!!!
John: [pulls himself out of the floor] uh...sorry...
Ukyo: oooOOOOOH GET OUT!!!
John: Hey hey hey, wait a minute!
Ukyo: Grrrr...[gets out her fighting spatula] OUT!
John: Hey, I�m really sorry about the damned roof!
[Ukyo lunges at John, and attacks with her spatula. John
grabs it and holds her in place.]
John: OK fine! I�ll even fix the ceiling [starts to cry] please
don�t hate me!
[This latest act takes Ukyo off guard, and she loses her
battle aura.]
Ukyo: [still smoldering, but under control] *sigh* You
know, I guess I shouldn�t be so angry, but this happens
ALL THE TIME!
John: You know, a lot of strange things happen here on a
regular basis...
Ukyo: ...well, I guess I forgive you...but you�re NOT off
the hook...fix the ceiling NOW!
John: Uh...Ok.
[The scene returns to the dojo.]
Paul: [Staring off to where John disappeared into the
distance] Man, your almost as bad as he is.
[Akane glares at Paul but lets it pass]
Meng Lie: [Stepping out of the bathroom] Thank you for
help. I sorry I messed up house.
Ranma: Well...come on Paul, let�s let the girls talk.
[They step outside]
Paul: Is Akane always that...well...
Ranma: Violent? Yep, she�s the biggest tomboy this side
of Japan.
[A brick flies out of nowhere and hits Ranma in the head.]
Paul: [Assumes a crouched position and puts his hands on
his head] I didn�t say anything...
Ranma: Ouch! [turns toward the door] What�d you do that
for? (to Paul) See?
Paul: [Getting back up] Yikes, remind me never to get on
her bad side. I don�t exactly have the biggest fan club when
it comes to females as it is. I don�t need to extend the list to
someone who grabs blunt heavy objects with an intent to
maim.
Ranma: Well if you don�t want her going after you, I
suggest you leave or you�ll eventually do something she
doesn�t agree with.
Paul: Is she really that bad.
Ranma: [Actually thinking for a moment before
responding] Well not all the time, just about 90% of the
time. DUCK!!
[Paul and Ranma duck a bird bath]
Paul: RUN!!!
[Cut to Uc-chan�s. John has finished patching up the hole in
the roof. He comes into the restaurant.]
John: Well, how�s that?
Ukyo: Not bad. Now get out of here before I kick your
fanny into next week.
John: (under his breath) hell of a way to say thank you...
Ukyo: [GLARES at John] You�re lucky to be alive, sugar,
now go away! I have work to do.
[John leaves, and heads for the Tendo Dojo.]
