Please give C&C.

Arrgghh!!  I haven't killed off TSY yet!  Must write more UY...

Benten sighed.  Her Ataru, the one she addressed as "Darling,"

Yes, characters totally adrift.  This is TSY.

Misery washed over her as she 

left, one thought echoing through her mind...*He doesn't love me!*

This is way overdone.  You're emphasizing the same thing three ways in this

sentence and you only need one.

However, he 

found her locked in an embrace with another woman,

At least the lesbian Shinobu has some slight basis in the time that Ryuu-kun

was more-or-less her boyfriend. (Like when they turned into each other).

So, he could not begrudge Shinobu her choice of someone else.  

He did, however, want to talk to her, to assure her that he would 

always love her.

Again way overwritten, especially for Ataru.

Although he talked directly to Ataru, he avoided 

looking at Benten.

Try thinking of how this could be rewritten as action and the reader left to

draw their own conclusions.

Ataru's emotions warred within.  He wanted to see Lum as the 

evil dictator ruling over Earth, but that image was getting harder to 

maintain.  He looked back at Benten and Nassur.

The reviewer's stomach warred within.  He wanted the turgid pose to pause

and turn aside from it's overgaudy path.  Clamping his nostrils firmly shut

he shouldered on down the page.

Ataru had not taken his eyes from Lum.

Then WHO is watching all of this action that is happening around him? (Wait,

it's Ataru's Ninja radar sense, right?)

"Very weak.  Whatever it was they used did a very good job.  

They must have done their research; I'm immune to most Earth 

poisons."

Hmm... pointed ears, logical speech.  Ataru's true love is Mr Spock!

(Please consider throwing in a few lumphemisms, t'cha?)

"Benten dealt with the minor irritants.  Anyone judged a 

nuisance.  She tickle-tortured whatever she could out of them, and then 

released them."

Uh, this is Benten?!?

"Well, for one thing, she's been listening at 

the door since I got back in."

Yeap, Ninja Radar sense with that and his secret decoder ring this Ataru is

one mean customer, especially if you don't give the correct change.

To be continued...

Forewarned is forearmed...



	Henry J. Cobb	hcobb@slip.net          http://www.io.com/~hcobb