The recent Slayers 1/2 discussion is my excuse for reposting this. (I've
been just dying to!) If you think Ranma was too much of a jerk in that
story, wait 'til you see him (and everyone else) in this one! :-P



			     RANMA IS DEAD

		      A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction spoof
			     by Gary Kleppe

	Special Guest Star: Kosuku Hatanaka from One-Pound Gospel.

			      INTRODUCTION
	
	There have been a lot of stories over the past year or two with
one or more of the characters dying and the others having to cope with
the loss. The stories of this type are often some of the most moving,
emotionally engaging works that fanfiction has to offer.

	But THIS one is... different.

	
	The characters of Ranma 1/2, as well as the special guest star
from One-Pound Gospel, are the creation of and rightful property of
Rumiko Takahashi. They are used here without permission. This story may
be freely redistributed, but it should not be altered substantially or
used for profit in any way.

	Note: This is in script format, which I think works adequately
for this story. It will not be rewritten into prose story format unless
there is a massive public outcry demanding it. BTW, words in angle
brackets, e.g. <ninety degrees> indicate character thoughts.

				   1

(SCENE: Morning in the Tendo Dojo. Ranma and Akane are in the living
room arguing. Nabiki is there, buried in her stock portfolio, trying to
ignore the heated discussion going on. Kasumi can be heard from the
kitchen, cooking and humming blissfully to herself.)

Nabiki: <Eight hundred shares of cattle futures in St. Louis? Better not
sell that. Looks like a bull market ahead.>

Akane: Insensitive jerk! How can you be going on a date with Shampoo!?!

Ranma: Hey, she trapped me into it! Do you think I'd go out with her if
there wasn't a good reason? She offered me free food.

Akane: What do you mean, free food??

Ranma: Y'know, stuff to eat that I don't need to pay for.

Akane: How would you like it if I was with another guy?

(P-chan sticks out his tongue at Ranma as he snuggles into Akane's lap.)

Soun: What's this about you going out with Shampoo? (Head getting big)
Why would you do such a thing?!?

Ranma: I... er... uh...

Kasumi: (Emerging from kitchen) Ohaiyo, Akane! Ohaiyo, Ranma! You want
something to eat?

Ranma: Yeah! That's it! That's the reason!

Soun: How can you go out with Shampoo for food? Why do you think we've
been feeding you here for the last couple of years?

Nabiki: <Four hundred shares of the ACME plumbing supply company of
Dayton? Time to sell those, that company's going down the tubes. And
just where is Dayton, anyway? Pennsylvania? No, don't think so...>

Kasumi: Ohaiyo, Nabiki!

Nabiki: What?

Kasumi: Ohaiyo!

Nabiki: That's right!! That's where it is! Kasumi, you're a genius!

Kasumi: Good heavens!

(In the dojo, Genma is training new student Kosuku Hatanaka.)

Genma: Discipline, lad. That's what it's all about. To become a master
of any fighting technique, you must discipline yourself. Any
distractions must be ignored. The world will try to distract you from
the art. You must not let that happen. The art must take priority over
all else. Now, let us begin the first training exercise...

Kasumi: (Sticks head into dojo area) Breakfast!

(Genma and Hatanaka stampede to the dining room)

Akane: Have your little date, Ranma. Just don't bother showing up back
here after you're done.

Ranma: You mean I don't get to eat here no more?

Kasumi: Shall I set one less place for breakfast, father?

(One of the walls crumbles to reveal a familiar Chinese amazon.)

Shampoo: Nihao!

Kasumi: Shampoo! Hello! Shall I set one more place for breakfast?

Hatanaka: Couldn't she have used the door?

Shampoo: Is Amazon law. As Amazon warrior, I not allowed to use doorknob
until doorknob defeat me in combat! (Nabiki winces.) Ranma ready for
date?

Ranma: Uh, about that date...

Shampoo: Not try to get out of it! Shampoo have deep love and affection
for you, Ranma. You try to get out of date, I have to hurt you!

(Ranma thinks for a second, then a huge spatula comes down on his head.
Enter Ukyo.)

Ukyo: Ranchan!! How could you let Shampoo bribe you with food into going
out with her? I could have done that!!

Kasumi: One more for breakfast?

(Ranma gets up, but is knocked down by a flurry of miscellaneous
objects. Enter Mousse.)

Mousse: Ranma!! How dare you try to seduce Shampoo into surrendering her
virtue? I want to be the one to do that!

(Ranma staggers up, then a cloud of gas hits his face and he collapses.
Enter Kodachi.)

Kodachi: OH HO HO HO HO HO HO!!!!! I, Kodachi Kuno, the Black Rose, will
not allow you to steal away my darling Ranma; for it is I who love him
most of all!

Kasumi: Two more for breakfast?

(A general melee breaks out among the four new arrivals, with the
unmoving Ranma getting stepped on and generally taking a good share of
the punishment. Suddenly Akane runs up, pissed.)

Akane: I've had *ENOUGH*, Ranma!!!

(Akane punches Ranma through the roof.)

Ukyo: Oh well. Time for school. (Leaves)

Kodachi: The Black Rose shall return!! (leaves)

Mousse: Well, I guess I'm out of he --

(Ranma comes crashing down, hitting Mousse squarely in the head and
knocking him out. Kasumi goes to examine Ranma.)

Kasumi: Oh dear. Ranma is dead.

Akane: Dead?!?

Kasumi: It's okay, I know what to do.

Akane: You do?

Kasumi: Yes. I'll just set one less place for breakfast!

				   2

Akane: What do you mean, Ranma is dead??

Kasumi: It's a condition involving a permanent cessation of the body's
circulatory system, resulting in the shutdown of brain activity and the
eventual decomposition of...

Akane: Dying. How inconsiderate! Isn't that inconsiderate of him,
P-chan?

(P-chan nods affirmatively. He looks at Ranma, then runs off to the
bathroom.)

Nabiki: Ranma is dead? This is the chance of a lifetime!! (looks at
Ranma) No offense. (Dials phone)

Genma: Tendo, this is the chance we've been waiting for!

Soun: How's that, Saotome?

Genma: The chance to try out...

Soun: You mean...

Both: ANYTHING GOES MARTIAL RIGOR MORTIS TRAINING!!

(Ryoga rushes into room, hair still wet)

Ryoga: RANMA!! How DARE you die before I've had a chance to kill you!!

Akane: Oh, hi, Ryoga!

Ryoga: Oh, er, hi Akane! (shakes Ranma's body) Don't think you've
escaped my revenge, Ranma!!

Shampoo: Feh. Ranma no have to die just to get out of date!

Nabiki: Really? How else would you have let him out of it, Shampoo?

Shampoo: Uh... um...

Nabiki: (into phone) Hello? Kuno-chan? Ranma says to meet you at school
for a fight at eight. What's that? Why are you fighting? Why... because
he called you a "blithering idiot with spam for brains", of course! Bye
now! (hangs up) I've got to go down to school to make sure all the bets
get covered. Carry Ranma for me, Ryoga. (they leave)

Mousse: (getting up) At last! Finally Shampoo will be free from Ranma!

Shampoo: Mousse got spam for brains! This not end Shampoo's obligation!

Mousse: Huh?

Cologne: (entering suddenly) Shampoo is correct. According to the 1947
_Conditioner Vs. Deodorant_ court decision, in the case of a dead fiance
the obligation of the amazon defeated by him is transferred according to
the written pre-designations of the former betrothed.

Shampoo: Come again?

Cologne: You need to find out who Ranma left you to in his will.

Kasumi: Oh dear. I'm afraid Ranma hasn't made out a will.

Cologne: In that case, his next of kin...

Genma: Excuse me... (Slips outside and jumps in pond; Shampoo follows)

Shampoo: Wo de airen! (Glomps Genma-panda, who holds a sign "I'm just a
panda!")

Akane: Definitely inconsiderate.

(Nodoka enters)

Nodoka: I heard my son was here! And my worthless husband!

Shampoo: (yelling from outside) Is now Shampoo's worthless husband!

Kasumi: Oh my. Ranma is here, but I'm afraid he's dead.

Nodoka: Oh dear. (Sees Ranma) But how manly he looks!

Kasumi: Goodness, yes!

Akane: Hmph!

				   3

(Shampoo and Cologne are in the Tendo living room with the dojo crew.
The two Amazons are at the table with various papers spread over it.)

Shampoo: What about this one? 1951 case, Facial Scrub end marriage to
Mr. Bubble by file lawsuit.

Cologne: That's no good. The Amazon Supreme Court later ruled that that
decision only applies when the defendant is a left-handed yak farmer from
Guangzhou.

Shampoo: Aiyou, Genma not left-handed. This hopeless!

Cologne: Keep trying. There must be a loophole somewhere!

(Tatewaki enters)

Nabiki: My champion! How'd the fight go?

Tatewaki: Very well indeed. I actually came quite close to winning.

Nabiki: (major face-fault) You mean you LOST?!?

Genma & Soun: The Anything Goes Martial Rigor Mortis training was a
success!!! (High-five each other)

Nabiki: Sigh... I guess you know you're responsible for paying off on
all the bets, Kuno-chan. Where is Ranma now, anyway?

Tatewaki: My twisted sister carried him away after the fight. She said
something about taking him out to dinner.

Kasumi: Oh dear! In all the excitement, I've forgotten to cook dinner
for us!

Soun: Excitement?

Akane: It's Ranma's fault.

Genma: How could you!! Where are your priorities!

Kasumi: It's all right, there are leftovers in the refrigerator! (Genma
looks happy) They're from two days ago, when Akane cooked dinner! (Genma
looks worried)

Hatanaka: Sorry, I finished those off this afternoon.

Soun: You ate ALL of that food?

Hatanaka: Yeah, I liked it. I wish there had been more, though.

Soun: Sir, you are the first person ever to eat my daughter Akane's
cooking and ask for more. If you and Akane were to be married, the
future of the Anything Goes School would be secure!

Hatanaka: Well... I... 

Akane: What do you mean, married?

Nabiki: Have you got a listening comprehension problem or something?

Akane: What do you mean, listening comprehension?

Soun: Unless Mr. Hatanaka is already interested in someone. Is there
anyone special in your life, sir?

Hatanaka: Well, it's like this... it's a... kind of like... there's
this... nun.

Soun: None? Good! Then it's settled.

Akane: Ranma dies, and I end up engaged to a boxer from another series.
He's soooooo inconsiderate!

Shampoo: Shampoo got idea. What if husband die with no living male
family members?

Cologne: Then the obligation would have been discharged, but that's not
what happened...

(Shampoo pulls out a big knife and grins)

Cologne: Excellent idea, Shampoo.

(Cut to Kodachi. She's on a roof somewhere, looking down at Ranma's
lifeless body.)

Kodachi: Finally, Ranma darling. Finally you can see that it is I, the
Black Rose, who loves you most of all. I am the one whose love for you
is truly unconditional. For us, your death is but a new beginning! The
loving between us will be boundless and unending! We will...

(There is a sudden downpour of rain.)

Kodachi: (Looking at Ranma) You?! How dare you!! Bring back my darling
Ranma! You wicked, WICKED corpse!!! (Starts beating on girl-Ranma as we
fade out...)

				END

	Any reactions, C&C, or threats to do a "Gary Is Dead" story
are welcomed!
Gary Kleppe
kleppe@execpc.com, http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe