On Tue, 19 Aug 1997 16:53:02 -0500, Keener <otakunxs@bellsouth.net>
wrote:
Note: Due to my current condition, broken finger which hampers my typing
tremendously, I have decided to spend my time regaining what little
reputation I have ever held by actually C&Cing some of the fics that
have been posted recently.
Cool. Sort of inspires me to do the same with this big backlog of fics I
have.
Oh, and you all can add me to the FFML casualty list. I tore a muscle in
my left leg right after GenCon.
I'll let Megane respond to the first part of this, as that was his bit,
and we'll skip to...
PART TWO
"GENMA SAOTOME! What have you done now?!"
Genma did a quick estimation, and realized that there would be
no way to reach the koi pond quickly enough to avoid his wife. "Hello,
dear!"
Awfully enthusiatistic for he that's about to die.
Whistling past the graveyard.
"I *am* taking the responsibility. Delegation. That's the key to
successful leadership."
More vintage Genma, though he really SHOULD nod his head self
approvingly. Looks better on Anime then on paper but that's no excuse
^_-
Not a bad idea.
Nodoka just hmphed and gave a look of disapproval.
I believe the proper spelling is humphed, that is if I'm reading my
Kipling right.
I don't think there is a proper spelling, it's more of a sound effect.
This scene needs a preceding chapter. ANY scene where the forces of the
Four Fiancee's of the Apocolypse (minus Akane for obvious reasons) plus
Kuno and Ryouga all working together needs major setup. There's the
The Kunos aren't in on this (though they do show up later).
obligatory Nabiki scene to throw in, the milling mass of insults and
anger finally resolving itself into a common goal, then there's the
Ryouga goes the wrong way bit. Merely standard operating procedures,
really. PLEASE feel free to twist, change or completely rewrite said
procedures but do give the cast SOME reason for their showing up.
I'll see what I can do; though I think the reader can probably imagine
how these three could've gotten together on this.
Okay, this bit from the Doctor's stand point kind of comes out of the
blue. We need a valid argument by Ranma to get this observation out of
him. Perhaps a word on all the constant "gooshing" as Ranma see's it.
Protests of his non-particaptatory nature while being gooshed that Akane
is seemingly ignoring so the Doctor can then make his point.
Sounds like a good idea.
A bit overly violent for Akane to the cat, she DOES toss Shampoo to the
four winds but any actual damage by said tossing would probably be
remembered by Shamps for later revenge.
Shamps wouldn't hurt Akane unless she could make it look like someone
else did it. She knows it would make Ranma hate her. And there isn't
really any serious damage involved, just a bit of comic slapstick.
Oh and no "Ranma freaks at cat"
scene?
Hmmm... yeah, given the proximity of Ranma to cat, this probably ought
to happen.
A voice was faintly heard from outside. "Your turn, sugar."
<cringe> I know she says it but something makes my skin crawl everytime
Ukyo says Sugar or Ranma Honey. Flo and Ronin just don't mix
I'm no great fan of this particular Trish-ism either, but I need
something in that line so that the readers know who's speaking.
P-chan stood on the table next to Hanawa. He gritted his teeth
and growled at Ranma. He backed up a bit as Ranma growled back at him.
Why'd he back up?
Ranma was staring him down.
"*You* shut up! Stupid jerk!"
That's a bit off though.
I'll see what I can do here.
Hanawa sighed, as his two clients erupted into an all-out foam
battle. Why did he have to choose marriage counseling as a specialty? It
would have been easier to work with full-blown psychoses.
Unfortuanatly, with what he said earlier, this bit doesn't wash well.
It's either not in character by what he said before or that bit before
is not in character. Of course, simply changing his intial state of mind
to one of more nervousness and despair over his job could fix that, as
would rewording this line.
I'll work on that.
"You said it. Imagine our fathers thinking that we need
psychological counseling. That's crazy."
No, that's irony. A Malkavian is crazy.
AH! AH! AH! You choost had to go and mention Vampires, deedn't you?
"Yeah, really. I don't think we got any problems that we can't
figure out ourselves."
"Uh huh. All we need to do is stop doing the things that make us
mad at each other. I'll stop hitting you, and you stop insulting me."
A bit quick on the scene swing from "He's not my fiancee!" to this.
Yeah. I wrote this whole section pretty quickly, only a couple hours
after I spent over a week (off and on) on HaM Prelude 4; I guess it
shows. ;)
It was payback time.
You've already said that. How about Revenge is a dish best served with
a bucket of cold water? Am I rambling?
I know we already said it. It's a sort of device, the repetition of a
phrase in a different context.
THE END
NO! NO! NO! You've got to have the scene where the Doctor is cringing
behind his desk while Nodako and Genma fight it out with Katanna and
Sign. "THE BATS PEOPLE! USE THE BATS!!!"
Hmmm... I dunno about that.
Thanks for the good suggestions!
Gary Kleppe
kleppe@execpc.com, Home page http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe
My fanfics and the FFML map are on my comics/manga page,
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics