fcasper wrote:
Note: Due to my current condition, broken finger which hampers my typing
tremendously, I have decided to spend my time regaining what little
reputation I have ever held by actually C&Cing some of the fics that
have been posted recently. Mayhaps I can regain the respect of the list
at large and perhaps a few friends I might have lost. My C&C is ALWAYS
public as it makes for good promotion of the fic I'm reviewing and gives
others the oppurtunity to point out where I might have messed up on my
own review. I WAS going to start out my C&C with a MSTing bit with my
Mokonators and maybe a co-author if I could find one <hint, hint> but
I'm in a bit too much pain as it is. Do realize that my C&C is normally
story or plot driven in nature and they'll be less time spent on typos
and more spent on scene pacing and character development watching.
"It never hurts to help!"
- Eek the Cat
Special Note: Quotes from Eek the Cat or Terrible Thunder Lizards,
ALWAYS peak my intrest
PROLOGUE
"YOU WHAT!?!"
Akane and Ranma looked at their fathers in disbelief at such
an outlandish suggestion.
"We think it would be best for you two." Soun cleared his
throat as he continued. "Since the moment Ranma arrived here, you two
have done nothing but fight and bicker among yourselves. We have
waited for over a year for you two to settle your differences and are
sad to say, we've seen very little improvement in your relationship."
"But pop...!" Ranma tried to reason with him.
Kind of strange here, Soun was the one speaking and the descriptive
sentance after the quote is longer then the actual quote. Oh, and spaces
after elipses... I think. <heh, I'M giving grammer notes now, Robert IS
right>
"No buts. We've already called the doctor and made an
appointment. You two are expected at 7:00 p.m."
"Dad!" Akane growled with irritation. "Ranma and I don't
need...."
Again with the alternate father bit. If the confusion of a family spat
was the originally intent, I'd make their reactions seem to be even MORE
to the original speaker. That way your reader gets the "Tennis" match
effect. It's one of those literary things you have to go ALL the way or
not at all.
"We think you do." Soun cut her off.
"I'm not going!" Ranma said firmly. "No way am I gonna sit
in a stupid doctor's office and have him tell me how to live my life!"
This attitude seems a bit on the cyncical and informed side for Ranma
and may be better suited to Akane <minus the stupid bit> I think Ranma's
perception of the doctor would be more along the lines of "There just
ain't now way I'm lettin' some shrink mess around with my head, I got
enough problems as it is." A humerous bit here might be to have Ranma
contiuining on, "still, might do you some good Akane, get rid of that
<insert pscyhobabble here that boils down to Akane's Overcompensation
over the Death of Her Mother into a Feminineless Shell to Block Internal
Pain> Have the group turn to him with wide eyes and big sweats, the have
Ranma say "Then we can go to a platic surgeon and see about fixing your
figure." <insert violence>
"He's not going to tell you how to run your life and you WILL
be going. Otherwise you can't go to see the new Jackie Chan movie."
Genma added with a warning.
This doens't sound quit like Genma. Nice to know Ranma's a Chan fan
though.
"Ha! Just try and stop me old man!" Ranma challenged.
Genma rose to his feet, a look of anger on his face. "You
disrespect your father! My friend Soun has given you and me free
shelter and food for all this time! We owe him for his generosity and
you owe it to your fiancee to try and work out your differences!"
THIS is Genma ^_^
"He is not my fiancee!" Akane screamed back.
"Damn right! I don't want to work out anything with that
tomboy!" Ranma said.
"That goes double for me, pervert!" Akane snapped back
Public Service Note: all writers of ficdom <including myself> REALLY
need to pull out their thesaurus and find new and intresting ways to say
Pervert and Tomboy. Or at least have them get the two mixed up and pause
to correct their mistake.
Akane and Ranma start to leave when their fathers hugged them
around their ankles and began to sob.
Hugged them around their ankles, kind of strange. I like tackled
better, hits better and puts you at about chest level.
"P....please don't go....!!!" Soun wailed.
"W....We only want what's b....b...best for you two!!!" Genma
sniffled.
I'm not completely sure about this as I was told by another C&Cer but
stuttering is better shown with b-b-but then b... b... but! Something
about the lenght of the pause or maybe it's just an effort by the
Punctuation Consrtium to preserve periods.
"Get off me!" Ranma tried to pry his father loose. Akane was
doing the same with Soun but not having very much success.
"All right!" Akane shouted in frustration. "I'll go to see
this doctor of yours. But just this once!" she quickly added.
Ranma whirled to face her. "What?! Akane, I don't want to...."
Need more of a plural pronoun for Akane's bit. Ranma doesn't just
follow here wherever she goes and if he even assumed that he would,
Akane would call him on it. "I said I'D go, you can stay here and play
Panda Bear Hug all you want."
"It's just for a little while Ranma, otherwise we'll have to
keep listening to them whine all night!" She pointed at the two
whimpering fathers surrounding their legs.
Not to mention acutuacly extruding themselvs from the two lampries.
Intresting scen right there. "Kasumi, could you pass the rice?" "Why
ceratinly Akane, would you like some to father?" Muffled cry from
Akane's leg, "Yes, thank you." Akane glowers.
"Aw, man...." Ranma had a bad feeling about this....
(Fade to Black)
"MODERN THERAPY"
(A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic)
A combined effort by Megane 6.7 and Gary Kleppe
This is a work of Fiction. All Characters and Landmarks are the
property of Rumiko Takahashi, Shogakukan Video, Kitty Films,
Viz Video, Shonen Sunday, and anyone else who legally owns the
rights.
DR. HANAWA'S OFFICE
7:03 P.M.
The doctor drummed his fingers on the desk, wondering if
his 7:00 appointment was going to show up. He carefully arranged
several case files in order of name and then decided to review his
current file again.
Name, severity of condition and Prozac usage.
It seemed like a straightforward case. A boy and a girl
forced into marriage by their parents and being sent to him so he could
hear their difficulties and try to help them work any problems out.
The doctor rubbed his tired eyes. He was a little sick of these
type of cases. He wished he could deal with a REAL psychological
challenge instead of these endless martial disputes. He never
approved of arranged marriages, especially since he had nearly been
forced into one himself. He thought love was better if it bloomed
naturally, with no restrictions or rules to get in the way.
Foreshadow of 6 out of a possible 10
Forshadowing scale...
1- Whispers in the Wind <Cheery say, "Very Ominous>
3- Light Tapping <Cologne Picks up on it, "Ahhhh, it's finally coming!">
5- Punch to the Gut <Ranma snaps his fingers, "I got it">
7- 10 Ton Mallet <Kuno realizes, "There both the one and the same?!?!>
10- Space Orbiting Laser <Kasumi goes "What the !@#$?">
Then there was a knock at the door. "Come in." The doctor
replied.
The door opened and two teenagers, both of them girls, walked
into the doctor's office; or rather, one girl with red hair bound into a
pigtail was being dragged in by the other girl, who had short black hair
and a look of anger on her face.
Go for the "Pigtail Drag" Gives Akane an excuse to not know Ranma's
changed.
"Uh....Can I help you ladies?" The doctor offered.
The short haired girl turned to him and bowed respectfully.
"My name is Akane Tendo and this is my fiancee Ranma Saotome.
We're here for an appointment."
The doctor's eyebrows raised in surprise. This was the couple
he had been waiting for? A lesbian arranged marriage? That was a new
one. "Did I hear you correctly?" the doctor stuttered in disbelief.
Actually, he didn't stutter.
Akane started to speak again then looked over at Ranma-Chan
and blushed. "Oh! It's not what it....I mean....!" Akane glanced at
the desk and saw a cup of tea. "May I?" she inquired towards it.
Glanced is a bit passive. How about "frantically scanned" or something
to that effect. Either that or have here scratch the back of her head
and have her eyes simply fall on the object of desire. Oh and inquired
towards it sounds like she was asking the cup. How about she inquired,
gesturing towards it.
"Uh....sure." Akane picked up the tea and without warning
splashed it over the red haired girl. The doctor was about to protest
when he was shocked to see that the red haired girl had now changed into
a black haired boy.
Might want to make a note of the steam waffing from it's surface. Not
an earth shattering bit but still, I'd like to know the tea was at least
warm, I think Akane would too.
"H....How....." The doctor stammered.
"It's a long story." Akane said as she took a chair in front of
his desk and sat down. A moment later, the boy followed suit in another
chair. "But it really doesn't have anything to do with our problem...."
"Problem? I would think turning from a girl into a boy would
be a interesting, if not bizarre situation." The doctor remarked.
Hmmmmm, I'm not sure what you mean here, care to elucidate?
"No, I mean that's not why we're here." Akane corrected him.
"We're here because our parents forced us to be here." Ranma
stated bluntly.
A reaction from Akane that turns to simply excepting the truth of the
statment might be nice here.
"I see." The doctor leaned back against his chair. "They sent
you two here then?"
"They're very stubborn. They want to see us together at all
costs. Regardless of how we feel about it," Akane said with mild
irritation.
"I see. Well, how do you feel about it Ranma?" the doctor
asked the boy who once was a girl.
"I don't FEEL anything. I just want to go home!" Ranma moaned.
"Ranma!" Akane glared at him.
"No, that's all right Akane. I want you both to feel you can
tell me anything. Since you don't know me, I'm impartial," the
doctor said.
Ranma muttered something under his breath that caused
Akane's face to flush and she turned to slap him across the face.
"What was that Ranma! Would you care to repeat that!!!"
Akane screamed at him.
Actually, I'm a bit curious myself.
Now, now, please don't use your fists for violence!" the
doctor admonished. "If you want to express your anger through
violence then hit him with this."
The doctor reached underneath his desk and pulled out two
foam rubber bats and handed one to both Ranma and Akane.
"These don't hurt when you hit someone with them but will
allow you to release your frustrations until you realize it's pointless
and your anger will drain out of you."
Doctor, doctor, doctor <sighs> please don't explain your treatments to
your patients. At least not until after a little time with said
treatment. I mean, how long was it till Mister Miagi explained to Daniel
what waxing all his cars was about? Of course, a later scene where the
Doctor is shown holding two handles of the now smoking and unfoamed bats
could be priceless as he tries to explain the point of said bats
existence to Akane who is employing treatment of her own to Ranma. The
Comfy chair CAN hurt if you are bluedgoned with it.
Ranma suddenly stood up straight and repeated, "These bats
won't hurt Akane."
"Yes."
"No matter how much I hit her with it?"
"Yes."
"What difference does it make, you hentai!" Akane yelled at
Ranma as she hit him over the head with the rubber bat.
A strange smile came over Ranma's face as he suddenly stood
up and faced Akane, a wicked gleam in his eye.
"Hehehehe...."
Without warning Ranma whapped Akane across the face with the
foam bat. Akane blinked in surprise but there was no sign of injury as
the doctor promised.
"Payback time!!!" Ranma screamed as he began to pummel her
with the bat.....
COME ON GARY, FCASPER!!! Your NOT going to have the Amiguriken <
probably misspelled but I'm C&Cing and have no need of spell checking :D
Foam Bat massacre? I spent this whole chapter WAITING for that bit!
PART TWO
"GENMA SAOTOME! What have you done now?!"
Genma did a quick estimation, and realized that there would be
no way to reach the koi pond quickly enough to avoid his wife. "Hello,
dear!"
Awfully enthusiatistic for he that's about to die.
"Don't you 'Hello dear' me. You've arranged for our son to be
sent to counseling. Why wasn't I consulted? I am his mother, you know."
"Tendo and I thought it would be best for all involved."
"And where is the honor in depending upon outsiders? As the head
of clan Saotome, the responsibility to oversee the family's well-being
ought to be yours."
"I *am* taking the responsibility. Delegation. That's the key to
successful leadership."
More vintage Genma, though he really SHOULD nod his head self
approvingly. Looks better on Anime then on paper but that's no excuse
^_-
Nodoka just hmphed and gave a look of disapproval.
I believe the proper spelling is humphed, that is if I'm reading my
Kipling right.
********
Mushoko, the receptionist, glanced up from her typing. A crowd
of people had gathered in the waiting area. "Can I help you? she asked
cheerfully.
"Ran-chan... er, Ranma... is he in there?" one of them asked.
Mushoko looked at her appointment log. "Why, yes, she is. Did
you want to make an appointment to see Dr. Hanawa?"
"That's all right, sugar. Ran-chan, you're not going to be
forced to marry Akane against your will, whether you want to be or not."
"Ranma! How dare you take Akane to a place like this!"
"We all agreed. They no get away with this!"
"Please sign in. The doctor will be with you shortly," Mushoko
said.
This scene needs a preceding chapter. ANY scene where the forces of the
Four Fiancee's of the Apocolypse (minus Akane for obvious reasons) plus
Kuno and Ryouga all working together needs major setup. There's the
obligatory Nabiki scene to throw in, the milling mass of insults and
anger finally resolving itself into a common goal, then there's the
Ryouga goes the wrong way bit. Merely standard operating procedures,
really. PLEASE feel free to twist, change or completely rewrite said
procedures but do give the cast SOME reason for their showing up.
********
"Whattaya mean, 'pervert'?!" Ranma cried.
The doctor spoke calmly. "Let's go with that question for a
moment, Akane. What behavior of Ranma's causes you to apply that word to
him? What is it that you'd like him to change?"
"He's always jumping over other women!"
"Hey, that's not fair!" Ranma shot back. "Anyway, why would
*you* care?"
"I don't! But we *are* engaged! How do you think it makes me
look when my fiancee has another girl every time I turn around?"
Doctor Hanawa turned to look directly at Akane. "Let's examine
what you said, Akane. What is it that you've seen that convinces you of
Ranma's infidelity. And are you being honest with yourself about the
scope of the problem? Is it really *every* time you turn around?"
Okay, this bit from the Doctor's stand point kind of comes out of the
blue. We need a valid argument by Ranma to get this observation out of
him. Perhaps a word on all the constant "gooshing" as Ranma see's it.
Protests of his non-particaptatory nature while being gooshed that Akane
is seemingly ignoring so the Doctor can then make his point.
Definition: Goosh- verb. 1) The act of something soft coming into direct
sqeezing, grappling or tackling contact with something else. 2) The
feminine form of Glomping. see picture <Shampoo, gooshing Ranma>
A voice was heard from behind the doctor. "Nihao, Ranma!" The
doctor spun in his chair to see a very shapely young woman sitting on
Ranma's lap, snuggled up to him in a tight embrace.
"Get offa me, Shampoo!" Ranma yelled.
Akane tossed her drinking water at the woman, who instantly
vanished, leaving behind only a cute pink pussycat. "Scat!" she yelled,
as she flung the cat out the door. It was heard hitting the far wall
with a thud.
Mushoko's voice was heard from the reception area. "I'm sorry,
the veterinarian's office is on the second floor."
A bit overly violent for Akane to the cat, she DOES toss Shampoo to the
four winds but any actual damage by said tossing would probably be
remembered by Shamps for later revenge. Oh and no "Ranma freaks at cat"
scene?
Akane got up and refilled her water glass. Hanawa wondered how
in the world she had turned a woman into a cat with only a splash of
water. He decided he really didn't want to ask. After all, it was his
job to project an air of rationality.
I think simply having the Doctor find Ranma shivering and attached
firmly to the physicians leg might work nicely. "Hmmmmmm, very
interesting," the doctor scribbled some notes unto his pad, "Um, would
you mind terribly removing your fiancee from my trousers?"
A voice was faintly heard from outside. "Your turn, sugar."
<cringe> I know she says it but something makes my skin crawl everytime
Ukyo says Sugar or Ranma Honey. Flo and Ronin just don't mix
Something small and black flew into the room, landing next to
Akane. "P-chan!" she exclaimed happily.
"What're you doing here, Porky?" Ranma said snidely. "Hey, Doc,
y'know how Akane accuses me of two-timing her? Check this out. This is
what she sleeps with."
Akane folded her arms and hmphed. "Honestly, Ranma. Jealous of a
housepet?"
P-chan stood on the table next to Hanawa. He gritted his teeth
and growled at Ranma. He backed up a bit as Ranma growled back at him.
Why'd he back up?
"Ranma, might you be making a false association here? You seem
to think of Akane's pet here as if he were your competition. Perhaps you
ought to re-examine your perception of her relationship with P-chan
versus hers with you. P-chan, after all, is not a human being."
P-chan moved back farther, only to knock over the doctor's cup
of tea. The piglet dove off the table as the hot tea spilled onto him.
Hanawa looked behind the couch to see a muscular young man, one
who wore a bandanna and nothing else.
Akane looked up at that moment. "Oh, hello, Ryoga! What are you
doing here?"
Need something to distract Akane.
"Akane? Uh... " Ryoga struggled for an explanation as he
concealed his exposed body behind the couch. "I'm being treated by the
doctor here for... uh..."
"Compulsive public nudity?" Ranma offered.
"Uh, yeah. NO! Shut up, Ranma!"
I LIKE that bit!
"*You* shut up! Stupid jerk!"
That's a bit off though.
"I've told you to be polite to Ryoga-kun!" Akane tossed her
water toward Ranma. "If you're not going to act like a gentleman, then
be a *lady*!" Ranma ducked, and the water flew over him to hit Ryoga.
The doctor watched as Ryoga was instantly transformed into
looking exactly like P-chan. He wondered how in the world Akane could do
that. She herself seemed to not be paying attention, glaring instead at
Ranma.
This bit needs a little work, though the Complusive Nudity bit was
priceless the rest seemed a tad contirived.
"Akane..." Hanawa returned as best he could to his calm,
detached manner. "That was meant for Ranma, wasn't it." Akane nodded
somewhat reluctantly. "I'm trying to help the two of you work out your
problems, but I need a little cooperation from the two of you. You
mustn't turn your fiancee into an animal."
"Hey, like she could anyway. She has like ZERO sex appeal,"
Ranma said.
I like humph or snort better. Other then that, another gem!
Akane picked up the nearest object, which was one of the foam
bats, and struck Ranma over the head with it. Ranma picked up another
bat and retaliated.
Hanawa sighed, as his two clients erupted into an all-out foam
battle. Why did he have to choose marriage counseling as a specialty? It
would have been easier to work with full-blown psychoses.
Unfortuanatly, with what he said earlier, this bit doesn't wash well.
It's either not in character by what he said before or that bit before
is not in character. Of course, simply changing his intial state of mind
to one of more nervousness and despair over his job could fix that, as
would rewording this line.
New voices were heard from the reception area.
"OHOHOHOHOHO!!!!! Where are you, Ranma darling?"
"Akane Tendo! I come anon to free you from the foul influence of
the sorcerer Ranma Saotome!"
The room erupted into general chaos. A boy in a kendo gi
attacked Ranma while attempting to embrace Akane. A girl in a leotard
did the reverse. Ranma and Akane seemed only interested in fending them
both off, switching to fists when the bats were found to be ineffective.
Hanawa just ducked out of the way.
"Doctor?" Mushoko called from the reception desk. "Should they
be charged group rates for this?"
********
Ranma and Akane walked home through the darkened evening
streets.
"What a nuthouse," Ranma said.
"You said it. Imagine our fathers thinking that we need
psychological counseling. That's crazy."
No, that's irony. A Malkavian is crazy.
"Yeah, really. I don't think we got any problems that we can't
figure out ourselves."
"Uh huh. All we need to do is stop doing the things that make us
mad at each other. I'll stop hitting you, and you stop insulting me."
A bit quick on the scene swing from "He's not my fiancee!" to this.
"Right, that'll work. Like I'd want to insult an uncute sexless
tomboy like you anyway."
Akane picked up a convenient garbage can lid and hit Ranma over
the head with it.
"Simple, really." Ranma continued walking.
"No need to make a big deal out of it." Akane followed.
"No need at all."
That last bit is real good though. A little more preamble and this'll
work bueatifully.
********
Gentle snowflakes, how romantic <it was payback time>
Akane and Ranma came into their home to the sounds of heated
discussion.
"You have failed in your duties to me, both as husband and as
father of my son. What kind of man are you, Genma Saotome?"
"You think you're easy to live with, Nodoka? You need to lighten
up. Why do you think I went on all those training sessions anyway?"
"How dare you?! Irresponsible lazy oaf!"
"Self-important shrew!"
The two teenagers said nothing as Genma and Nodoka noticed them.
They just stared, unyielding in their gazes.
It was payback time.
You've already said that. How about Revenge is a dish best served with
a bucket of cold water? Am I rambling?
EPILOGUE
"Good morning!" Mushoko said. "Can I help you?"
"We're here for... marriage counseling," the forty-ish woman
reluctantly admitted.
Behind her, a large panda pulled a sign seemingly out of nowhere
that read "We have an appointment."
Mushoko crossed the name Saotome off her list. "The Doctor will
be with you shortly."
THE END
NO! NO! NO! You've got to have the scene where the Doctor is cringing
behind his desk while Nodako and Genma fight it out with Katanna and
Sign. "THE BATS PEOPLE! USE THE BATS!!!"
This concludes a joint collaboration and experiment between Gary and I.
During one of our Sunday meetings in the #fanfic room on IRC, We had
come up with the idea of one of us writing a chapter of a fanfic and
then sending it to another person to be finished. So I send him the
first part of this fanfic that I had originally abandoned and he
finished it very nicely. We hope you enjoyed this story and we
encourage others to try the same thing and see how it goes. :)
Sincerely,
Megane 6.7 (fcasper@yesic.com)
Me and Gary already have, it's called Final Embrace and can be found
under at your local RAAC. Oh and Fcasper? When for Nabiki and Genma,
hmmmmmmmmm???
"Tenchi's Vault of Anime MSTings"
(http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Temple/4007/MSTings.html)
"100% Anime Fanfiction"
(http://www.smoky.org/~cberg/fanfics/)
Gary Kleppe (kleppe@execpc.com)
Home page http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe
My fanfics and the FFML map are on my comics/manga page,
(http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics)
#Fanfic is open every Sunday starting at 3:30 P.M. on the
anime.terratron.com channel on IRC. Feel free to join us! ;)
I'm trying for God's sake, but I don't get off work on Sunday's till 6.
It's not my fault I tell you!