An El Hazard story, thanks, thanks, thanks!

when Nanami felt that there was something peculiar about

Makoto.  For one thing,

You handle this better later on, by actively presenting his/her behaviour in

the context of the plot.

Makoto said calmly, rubbing his

head into her side.

How is he walking along like this?  (They are about the same height)

She was happy that Makoto finally made up his mind,

but something wasn't wrong.

"Makoto had finally" and most everything was wrong except for what?

Makoto giggled, which was something hard for Nanami to

believe.

Best just to give her a hesitant reaction to this.

Alielle silently climbed out of a giant

barrel, her body covered with flour.

Fatora: "This bread tastes like Alielle!"



Rune: gags.

Makoto delicately tear into his food.

Difficult to visualize, you do a better job later where you give examples of

what he's doing.

Nanami had been

keeping a close eye on Makoto

Is this the TV or OAV El Hazard?  (You only need describe Rune...)

Makoto carefully tore of the skin off the meat.

Is this chicken or something else equally fowl?

Another inconsistency.  She could

remember Makoto specifically telling her Masimichi's birthday.

Awkward, best to go with "distinctly remember" and drop the specificness.

"Makoto, are you feeling fine?"

Yeah, we feeling fine.

had never thought the evil princess was capable of

I don't recall anybody calling the princess evil.

Alielle seemed extremely calm.

You have this tendency to ARMYize your writing.  I.e.:  I'm going to tell

you something.  I am telling you something.  I have told you something.



Consider dropping these "third person scene-setting introductory phrases".

(Actually, this

happened to a freshman who stayed at Old Campus.

Other authors put a single digit here and write this up as a footnote, so as

not to distract from the story flow.

She blushed again.

The reaction is disproportionate.  Perhaps if he had said: "You look so

pretty."

She felt

her hand turned wet with tears.

That was a very quick reaction, unless she's holding the hand to his face

after the slap.

Makoto burying his

face into Shayla.

What part of Shayla?  If you leave it open like this, it kinda implies

her center of mass.

Nanami watched Shayla-Shayla suddenly sit

So Nanami is just watching dispassionately?

Nanami felt unholy anger consume the last shreds of decency

within her.

Restraint?

scared, and without a word, she ran,

But, she's just said something.  Without a further word?

She could feel the little girl's

hands moving around as if trying to get her off.

Yeah, we know how she gets hers off.



	Henry J. Cobb	hcobb@slip.net          http://www.io.com/~hcobb