On Sun, 10 Aug 1997 23:48:05 -0400 (EDT), you wrote:
This is my first.... you all know the rest C&C elcome be mean be creul but be
honest. tell me what ya think
First thing's first..I suggest ya edit story first so its down to about 80
chars;)
Ranma 1/2 and Dragonj Ball:
The Fate of Heaven and Hell
I like the title.
By Son Gokuu
****
Legal Documentation
All Ranma characters are property of Takahashi Rumiko. To whom I thank for creating Ranma. All Dragon Ball Characters are property of Toyiama Akira. Thanx! for creating a wonderful series.
<thoughts>
(authors comments)
****
PROLOGUE:
It's ten years after Ranma-kun dissapeared in a blinding flash of brilliant red ki. He didn't die as everyone thought, he was transported to Hell. The second Ranma-kun arrived he was fighting for his life, he
I like the first sentence. I caught my attention. I don't know how it is with
other people, but I tend to read more stories if it had a very catchy opening
line or paragraph. I liked both the line and paragraph for this one.
landed in the middle of a war that would decide the heirachy of Heaven and Hell.
I don't know about you, but this seriously reminds me of the movie spawn which I
saw not too long ago...
Life went on as normal (if you could call it that) except that Ukyou and the other's never dated anyone after Ranma dissapeared, Ukyou honed her martial skills, and created and mastered several powerful ki techniques.
Cool...7 new techniques. I'd like to find out what they are....
Chapter: I
Ranma Goes to Hell
Hey, didn't Justin Austin write somethin' like this....oops, it think it was
War...not Hell ;)
Well the scene opens to a beatiful sunrise over Nerima, which we see a sudden swarm of birds scatter as we hear the sounds of fighting. We pan to a traditional japanese house and dojo. The sounds of
This is starting out like a script. Is that what ya want? If it's gonna be in
prose, ya should have it where you actually talk to the reader and tell them
what they are seeing. A similar, proselike line for above would be somethin'
like,'The sun was slowly rising in the distant horizon. It was quiet, but all of
a sudden, a swarm of birds flew to the skies as sounds of fighting echoed
through the streets of Nerima'...this is JUST a suggestion. Ya don't hafta
follow it if ya don't want. Everyone has a different writin' style....
combat seem to be coming from the back of the house. We see two people sparring, over a koi pond. The two opponents seem evenly matched, the two people sparring are a older man in a off-white gi and a white bandana covering his head and the other person is a young man wearing a red silk chinese shirt and black silk chinese pants. The young man seems distracted this morning as though he was looking for something that was not there.
"Ranma! pay attention to the match," yells the older man who suddenly spin kicks Ranma-kun in the gut. He was surprised that his kick got through his opponants defenses, he just stands there.
I'm not too sure, but I think the story would sound better if it was written in
past tense. I did that when I first wrote in porse. I made the mistake of
writin' in present tense until I was told it would be better if done in present
tense.
Ranma-kun on the other hand is kicked into the koi pond. Then we see a young red headed girl appear where Ranma-kun had fallen into the koi pond. "Great just what I needed Pop!" The young girl gets out of the pond and heads toward the house.
"Well Ranma that wouldn't have happened if your attention was on the fight," said Ranma-chan's father. "What was distracting you my son?"
"Nothing that would concern you old man," said Ranma-chan in a very calm voice, that boardered on cruel. Her father stood there in shock, then she added, "It's probably your falt any way."
As Ranma-chan heads for the bathroom we see her with a distant look in her eyes. Fortunately for her the bathroom was empty, she decides to take a bath after her sparring match earlier. However, she can't shake the feeling that something is not right, she shrugs it off as she rinses with cold water. After she completely washes herself she enters a tub of hot water she feels the tingle of the curse taking affect. He stays in the tub for a while to relax.
I like how ya refer to Ranma as a he right after he changes :)
* * *
Akane returns from her morning jog to practice. She quickly changed into her yellow gi and stacks five cender blocks. Akane raises her arm high and yells, "KYAAA!" She breaks through all of the cender blocks without flinching in pain.
Ranma-kun enters the dojo to practice his kata's. He notices Akane and says, "Hi," as he starts his kata's. He is going through a difficult series of punches, kicks, and blocks, that Akane can barely see him execute.
Akane summons up her courage and asks, "Ranma-kun could you please show some me of the kata's you're doing?" She is expecting him to refuse her and make fun of her, so she doesn't get her hopes up.
Ranma-kun thinks for a minute before answering. "Sure I geuss I could, Akane," Ranma said. Akane's surprised that he agreed. Then he does the kata's at a slower pace, so she can follow all of his motions. Ranma shows her the kata then watches her perform it and corrects her where she does it wrong.
Man, someone could write an entire story on this, Ranma showing Akane some kata.
I don't think I ever came across a story liek that before...
They're at this for an hour, when Kasumi calls, "Ranma! Akane! Lunch is ready!" They head to the house to get the promised food just as they get there Genma is already chowing down the food like there's no tomarrow, they sit down to eat. Lunch goes by rather quitely, which in itself is odd. Through out the entire meal Ranma felt uneasy, but shrugged it off as nothing unusual.
* * *
In the late hours of a clam afternoon Ryuoga-kun appears out of nowhere and shouts, "RANMA PREPARE TO DIE!" They start to fight like usual, but Ryouga is landing more hits on Ranma-kun than
All you'd have to add is 'You cad', after the 'RANMA' and you can have Kuno
doin' the attackin' instead of Ryoga ;)
usual do to Ranma-kun's uneasy feeling. Do to that feeling Ranma-kun has, Ryouga knocks him into the koi pond.
Ranma-chan is getting angry because she is tired of always fighting Ryouga. Ranma-chan is unconsciously powering up, by tapping into her anger. Her clothing looks like it's blowing in a wind as does her hair, but as she continues to fight a pale aura appears around her. Everyone isstaring at Ranma-chan. Ranma either doesn't notice or doesn't care, but she does relize that she is having a easier time of hitting Ryouga.
Ryouga notices the aura and is scared because he's never seen Ranma-chan with a aura like this before. Ranma wanting to end the fight. Yells out, "KACHUU TENSHIN AMAGURIKEN," before proceeding to through countless punches at Ryouga. Ranma-chan notices that she is throwing more punches than possible and that they have even more force behind them, than is possible in her female form. Ryouga being unable to block the ferocious attack is nock into the wall very hard. Ranma-chan and Akane both run to check on Ryouga. He's unconscious and bruised every place Ranma-chan landed a punch on him. Ranma is shocked that she was able to do this to Ryouga and is scared that she did this to her 'friend' without realizing it. Ranma-chan heads in to the house to call Dr. Tofu. "Dr. Tofu This is Ranma could you please come over to the dojo. Ryouga's in need of your help." Ranma-chan hangs the phone and goes back to the over's. "Guy's Dr. Tofu is on his way over to check on Ryouga."
Kasumi approaches the group and says, "Ranma-chan why don't we move Ryouga to the guest room while we wait for Dr. Tofu." The group nods in agreement. Ranma-chan and Akane move Ryoouga to
the guest room.
Whoa..the entire paragraoh seems very confusing. Yells out 'Kashuu..." I know
it's Ranma yellin' that, but some people might not...
Oh yeah...add in some commas!!!! There should be short pauses after things like
'Ryoga, being unable to move'....
* * *
Dr. Tofu grabs what supplies he might need to treat Ryouga. As he races toward to dojo he runs into Ukyou who is also heading toward the dojo with some food. "Why hello Ukyou where are you heading?"
"Dr. Tofu I'm bringing Ranchan some food." Ukyou replies with a smile. As she walks to the dojo. "Why are you going to the dojo?"
"Well it appears that Ryouga's hurt and needs my help." Dr. Tofu tell Ukyou who has on a face of surprise. The two reach the dojo in short order and proceed in. Ranma-chan hears the door open and runs to see who it is. Ranma-chan is surprised to see Ukyou, "Dr. Tofu Ryouga's up in the guest room." The docter hurries past Ranma-chan and Ukyou. "Ukchan what a surprise to see you. Come in." Ranma-chan usher's Ukyou past they head for the living room.
I'm not too sure Ranma would feel all lively to usher Ukyo in the way he did
after realizing that he had just hurt Ryoga pretty badly.
Ukyou notices Ranma-chans silence and is worried about it. "Ranchan whats wrong with you tonight I've never seen you this quite and withdrawn before. Come on tell me what's wrong." She watches Ranma-chan while she decides whether totalk about it ot not.
After a while Ranma-chan starts to talk. She tells Ukyou about the fight and what happened to Ryouga as a result of it. Ukyou was surprised to hear what happened to Ryouga, concidering that he is practiculy immune to pain and injury. She was shocked to hear about the pale white aura that Ranma-cha had when she was fighting Ryouga. "Excuse me Ukchan while I go get cleaned up." Ranma-chan leaves Ukyou there and heads to the bathroom.
* * *
About ten minutes later the entire house is filled with a Ranma-kun's scream. Everybody rushes toward the bathroom to find out whats wrong. Ukyou being the first to arrive stops dead in her tracks. As does everyone else when they see Ranma-kun holding a monkey tail in his right hand. Ranma notices everyone staring at him, "Alright everyone out." Ranma-kun says on a cold tone. Everyone turns around and leaves Ranma-kun alone.
Man, this is what definitely caught my attention. I had to read on after readin'
this. The fight, where he got angry and beat up Ryoga, that was typical Goku
fighting. When I read this, I started to realize that Ranma is slowly starting
to turn into Goku...I remembered how ya mentioned about Ranma's aura, which ya
can't miss if Goku's pissed....
Except for Ukyou who stays. She asks him, "Ranma what happened?"
Once again, a pause 'Ranma, what happened?' There's more like this, but I'm too
lazy to point all of 'em out.
Ranma-kun tells her, "Ukchan I don't know this happened. But when I changed back I felt something weird at the base of my spine then the next thing I knoe I have a tail." He has finish dressing and gets up to leave he falls over. "What's wrong with me. Why can't I walk." Ranma-kun asks in a slightly panicked voice.
Ukyou thinks for a moment. "Ranma I think the reason you can't walk normally is that your center of balance is out of whack because you have now have a tail. Just give it time and I'm sure your balance will return." Ukyou says as she moves to help Ranma walk down to living room.
I like that. I had never occured to me that one's center of balance might be
disrupted by somethin' like a tail. Pretty creative :)
While they are going down the stairs Ranma starts to glow a dark red Ukyou see's this is to late to get away before Ranma-kun. Ranma feels he is being torn in two. He see's Ukoyu trying to grab a hold of him, but misses and grabs and rips a piece of his soul. The hole in his soul is replaced by a portion of Ukoyu's. Ukyou see's Ranma-kun starting to fade she lunges forward to grab his hand, but doesn't grab onto anything solid. She feels part of her soul ripped out and then is replaced by a piece of Ranma-kun's soul.
Huh? That's, like, a really confusing paragraph...how can Ukyo see part of her
soul being taken and such....
Everyone see's Ranma-kun walking down the stairs unsteadily and then he is serounded by a dark red aura. They then see Ukoyu try to grab Ranma-kun but passes right through him. Then Ukyou goes down with a heart wrenching scream of pain and passes out do to the pain.
Why is she in pain? I figured losin' part of one's soul; would be a spiritual
thing, not physical ;)
* * *
Ukyou wakes up up a few minutes later thanks to Dr. Tofu. He notices that something is wrong with Ukyou's aura. "Ukyou how do you feel?"
"I feel a little weak and there's a light buzzing in the back of my mind." Ukyou tell Dr. Tofu with a tired voice.
I liked it. The errors bothered me like hell, but I glossed over those. The
story is a bit creative, but you're gonna hafta explain that tail thing...how
did he get it....why was he acting strange and such. Also, this chapter just
ENDS. Ya might want to add in a few more lines to make it end with a larger
cliffhanger. This feel like ya decided to stop writin' BEFORE the end of the
chapter. Overall, I like the story. I like the thought of Goku entering, per se,
the Ranma universe....It would definitely rais the power levels up several
thousand notches. Since this story's a rough draft, I hope, I won't say much
about the errors since everyone make 'em. Ya might wanna look over this when
you're finish tho...ya might want to extend the first chapter some more tho
because I see nothin' to do with DBZ except for that tail. It'd might be better
if ya end it when Goku actually gets mentioned sometime through the
chapter...Well, that's all I've got too say. I apologize if ya think I'm a bit
harsh with my criticisms...it's just that I've always been honest when C&Cing
stories, and I always tell the author's what goes through my mind as I read
certain passages....
-OneShot
Jeffrey Keith Wong: jeffwong@li.net
http://www.rit.edu/~jkw7063/fanfic/index.htm
http://www.li.net/~jeffwong/index.htm
The latter site has been updated on Aug 4th.