On Monday, August 11, 1997 9:08 AM, KLEPPE@execpc.com wrote:
 

Please C&C! At least let me know that you've read this, and what
your reaction was. 

Ah, the usual begging for C&C.  I, too, haven't gotten tons of C&C on my
stuff, so I know what it's like.  Still, shouldn't complain if I don't
do it myself.  Besides, as immersed as I am in Kodachi right now, it
might be fun to read other views.

My C&C style is to read the story and provide comments as they occur.

	"What of father?"

"Father"

	"Why, brother!" she said condescendingly. "Not only a mere
waitress, but one from a savage culture? What would mother say?"

"Mother".

Like the way you've captured the speech patterns.

	Some instinct took control of Tatewaki. He charged with his
bokken, swinging it at his sister.

Instinct?  Instinct drives him to attack his sister?  I think a better
word would be "impulse".

instantly behind her brother. She gave an insane laugh as she paused to

"gave an insane laugh" sounds awkward.  I'd suggest something along the
lines of, "Her insane laugh echoed through the yard as she paused..."

	Kodachi smiled as her brother led the way off the estate. 

This shift in perspective is a little jarring.  My advice would be to
try and keep the perspective within one person during each scene.

	But it was not merely a matter of physical travel. Some called
Kuno Kodachi insane, but the truth was that she simply thought in
different ways than the Flatlanders, whose thinking was confined to
narrow, predicatble paths.

Nice.  Kodachi certainly *would* think like this.

Oh, and it's "predictable"

	"Excuse me?!?"

I don't like multiple punctuation marks.  It's fine for informal
communication, but grammatically it's indefensible.  Even "?!" is
technically incorrect.  I tend to use "?!" a lot because it's a very
effective way of denoting the speaker's tone of voice, but "?!?" is
overdoing it, I think.

	"Very well. And to the winner will belong darling Ranma!" Before
Akane could react, Kodachi bounced off, her twirling ribbon scattering
black rose petals into the air.

Hmm.  So what prompted her to do this?

<Dennis Miller mode>

I don't want to go off on a rant here, but what I find displeasing in a
lot of "resolution" fics is that people decide to suddenly either end or
escalate their hostilities for no readily apparent reason.  Any
resolution story must, IMO, give a reason why things come to a head all
of a sudden.

A wonderful parody of such resolution fics is Sebastian Weinberg's "The
Fanfic for YOU!".  If I were the ruler of the universe, I would require
that everyone read that story before attempting to write a Ranma fanfic.

I have nothing against resolution per se; in fact, that's why I wrote
"Thy Inward Love".  But resolution without reason... that annoys me.

Of course, that's just my opinion.  I could be wrong.

</Dennis Miller mode>

as she mentally malleted herself for allowing 
Kodachi to provoke her.

Hehehehe.

	Then she noticed that Ms. Hinako, and everyone else in the room,
were looking at her.

"was looking at her"

"Mr. Chappatsu. Do you honestly think you can distract me, or
buy me off, with a couple of Snak Kakes?"

"Sorry, ma'am."

"Hand over the whole box!"

Hehehehe.

	Meanwhile, in another part of the school...

Ugh.  I hate segues like this.  Kill it, I'd say.

Name Saotome Nobaka, yeah?"

Hehehehehehe.

	"I'd like to ask you about your wife." 

Ooh.  It'll be interesting to see your version of the Kuno family
history.

	"Hey! Waitaminit!!" 

Again with the multiple punctuation marks.  One exclamation mark will
suffice.

"Like the one who just happens to be your father? How stupid do
you think I am?

Hey, Akane?  Who's P-chan?  :)

Extreme tiredness was evident in Akane's voice. "... *if* I
lose, I'm going to look Kodachi right in the eye and tell her
 that I'm marrying you anyway. I'm marrying you even 
 though I lost the bet, because that's exactly what she would've
 done. That is... if you'll still... if you'll still have me."

	"Are you kidding? I'm proud of you."

Hmm.  Again, I have a problem.  This seems rather... sudden.  I'd expect
both of them to be a lot more awkward about this kind of conversation.

Kasumi reached Akane's bedroom and opened the door. "Then
mother passed away. 

"Mother"

	"Akane!!" 

One exclamation mark.  I'll stop pointing out further instances and
leave it to you to decide if you want to keep them or not.

		Please send a check for four thousand yen at your 
	convenience. Affectionately yours, (signed) Tendo Nabiki.

That *is* affectionate.  To non-family members, she'd charge ten times
as much.  :)

	Your children have dishonored me with their failure. I
	will not stay with you and them. Farewell, husband.

Heh, not a nice woman.  But definitely her daughter's mother.

	He noticed Akane, leaning against the wall behind her sister,

Again with the perspective shift, from Nodoka to Ranma.  I think you
could put a scene break in rather painlessly up above.

	He had thought of this earlier in the afternoon, and come up
with a plan to provoke Kodachi. 

Dang, I don't like this.  It's very... dishonorable.  And didn't he just
say that no one could interfere with the contest?

He's cheating, pure and simple, and in an extremely underhanded way.
Never mind that Kodachi would do the same thing; he's supposed to be
better than that.  Instead, he's stooping to her level.

"Thank you, mother. You honor me with your faith and trust."

"Mother"

	Now she had returned. And the intervening years had given her
some surprises, that Akane and the others would find out about in due
time.

Well, I was going to say that this was the best of your prelude stories
so far.  And it was working so well... until Ranma did the "pig-tailed
girl" routine.  I really, really didn't like that.  Since it's not
necessary to the plot, I would highly recommend getting rid of it
altogether.

Other than that, this was very good.  It'll be interesting to see what
kind of revenge Kodachi has in mind.  For once, she has good reason to
be angry.

Gary Kleppe

-Richard